4 points for a critique and a guess 2 points for a guess and a rationale 2 more points if your guess with a critique/rational is correct 1 point for critiquing yourself -10 points for a guess without rationale or critique
Once you have a critique down, you get points for it. If you make a rational guess, but are incorrect you have to do a rational again, or at least say "for same reasons I stated before". You do not get points for a critique or rational for saying "what he said". You have to at least say what that person said in your own words for credit.
You can critique your own work for one point, but you can not give away you are the author. If you want, you can try to be sneaky and guess other people, with a rational, but you won't get points for it.
Heres the Guess list (not all names are entries):
Astaril Advice For Robots Annie BannaOJ Beatnix Belle Bob_Scopatz Brinestone Celia Chris Bridges Da_Goat Dan_Raven Dante dkw Dragon eslaine Eaquea Legit Elizabeth Icarus imogen Irami JamGodJeff JaneX jeniwren Jenny Gardener Jon Boy Kat Kwea LadyDay LadyDove Leonide Little_Doctor Ludosti Mackillian Morbo Noemon Nick Orange7Penguin Orson Scott Card (it's possible!!) Papa Moose Pooka/Trisha quidscribis Raia Rivka Ryuko Sarahdipity SarcasticMuppet Saxon75 ScottR sndrake Strider T_Smith Teshi The Pixiest Troubadour TomDavidson Twinky
Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
I knew Shadrack saw what I saw. That a trap had been laid for us, and that we had walked right into it. The two men on the upper level of the saloon, the man at the piano pretending to be sleeping from too much booze, even the bartender seemed to be staring too closely to our table. No doubt there were countless others as well, waiting for the signal to attack from their leader, the man sitting at the table across from Shadrack. However, I wasn’t worried. After all I had seen traveling with Shadrack from town to town all those years, I didn’t doubt that he had already thought up a way out of this. “Will,” he said, looking out of the corner of his eye, “the horses are thirsty.” “The kid stays, Roundy.” “No, Rob, he doesn’t.” It was at this point that it finally hit me these two knew each other. I remember being curious about their past, and I also wanted to see how Shad was going to get out of this, so I started to sit back down. He stared at me. This was the first time since I had met him that I didn’t do what he asked me to. I knew better than to question Shads authority, so I backed off and headed for the swinging doors. I then turned around, laid on the ground, and peeked in to see what would happen. “I must admit, I was curious who was setting us up,” Shadrack said, leaning back in the chair, “though I never would have guessed you. So when did you ‘go straight?’” “Right after you ditched me in Lubbock, you two timing bastard.” “Don’t you dare try to dirty my good crook name. You had already sold me out before I skipped town.” The man Shad referred to as Rob smiled. “I didn’t know if you knew that for sure or not. Well, you’re right, I sold you out. I had planned to shoot you and take the earnings for myself, but when you left me with no way out of that godforsaken town, I played it as if I was planning on cooperating with the law all along.” “And here I thought I had taught you better than that.” “Better than shooting you and forgetting your ‘Robin Hood’ scheme?” “No, better than getting caught.” There was a lull in the conversation, until Rob whistled and snapped for the barkeep. “Thirsty?” he asked. “We both know that I don’t drink, and even if I did, it would be down right stupid for me to accept.” The two men on the upper level began to shift impatiently, and the rest of the room seemed to have their attention solely fixed on that table. “You set this up very nicely, Rob.” “I know. I figured the only one who could convince you that a map was found to Father Escalante’s gold was Liz. So my boys and I kidnapped her folks, and after that she cooperated nicely. But you already knew you were being set up.” “You’re damn right I did.” “So why did you come.” “I told you. I was curious who was behind it.” “Brave. Foolish, but brave.” “Rob, you know as well as anyone that I could easily kill you, and probably 4 others, and hell, I even have a good chance at getting away.” “You’re good, Shad, but not that good. Did you really forget that I spent 8 years with you?” “Then why don’t you order me dead? That seems to be what you’re wanting.” “Because of what I’m looking for. Something you stole from me before you left. I want my golden gun, Shad.” Rob’s brow was low, and his look was serious. There was an unnatural gleam in his eye as he said this, like he was longing for an addiction long forgotten. I knew what he was talking about. He was talking about the gun that Shad carried strapped to the outside of his left thigh. I had only seen Shad use it once before. “Then take it.” Shad grabbed his pistol on the right, and grabbed the golden gun with his other hand, and in a flash, Shad became the man I had only seen once. A man who wasn’t Shad at all, yet looked like him. Time froze for everyone except Shad and I. Not bullet, save the ones from Shad. The two men on the balcony, the man at the piano, who’s hand had barely touched his gun, and the bartender were dead. Shad looked around like a madman in the middle of a fight. That gleam that was in Robs eye was now in his. There was no one else willing to challenge him. Rob, though, was still alive, but fatally wounded. "I never thought I would see the day that you of all people would use that thing." He then died. Shad walked out of the saloon, and we rode back to Sacramento, not saying a word the rest of the trip.
Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
Teshi 25 Leonide 9 Eslaine 24 Mothertree 12 Pixie 4 Tom 20 Icarus 12 Sarcastic Muppet 9 Belle 26 Annie 19 Irami 12 Jeniwren 8 Lady Jane 2 Punwit 6 Saxon 6 Da_Goat 4 Rivka 16 Imogen 4 Scott R 4 AFR 16 Morbo 4 Astaril 8 Corwin 4
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Interesting.
It would be easier to read if there were lines between one paragraph and the next. While that's not how it's done in hardcopy, it is the norm online, where tabbed-in paragraphs don't show as tabbed.
This piece has potential, but I'm finding it very confusing. Who is "the kid"? Is he the narrator (Will?)? How many other people are part of the conversation? Is Shadrack the same person as Roundy? What does the conversation have to do with the trap?
And what is with the golden gun? That is the intriguing part.
I will be stereotypical and assume that this is written by a person of the male persuasion. Kwea?
Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
No.
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
quote: That gleam that was in Robs eye was now in his.
"Robs" should be "Rob's" (possessive).
Interesting in some ways. Not my genre of choice, and I realize that's what I'm having trouble with.
Upon mentioning the golden gun, the James Bond theme began playing in my head.
Still, there's a lot of information here, and not beaten to death. I feel that the scene could have been extended, with a lead-up to the actual confrontation. It's rather wrenching to suddenly talk about Shadrach knowing this person, Rob, and we are jumping into the confrontation with a little too much summing up done by our protagonist-narrator. This wouldn't be a scene in the beginning of a story, to be sure.
Still, it has promise. I'll guess AFR.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Hmm. Still thinking male.
Perhaps our charming game-conductor? T_Smith?
[ April 26, 2005, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: rivka ]
Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
Yeah, it was me. Got feeling creative last night.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Yay! I got one.
It does have promise, Nathan. I'd like to see what you do with it. Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
Myeh, I only wrote this for this game. Seemed like a nice place to write a short thingy.
Posted by eslaine (Member # 5433) on :
w00t! Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
Can we still critique?
Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
Of course.
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
Hee hee, this is an excellent bar room fight scene. I'm definately rooting for Shadrack and friend.
However, there are a few things that I would change, although I know you wrote it last night...
quote: “Will,” he said, looking out of the corner of his eye, “the horses are thirsty.” “The kid stays, Roundy.” “No, Rob, he doesn’t.”
This section initially confused me. It's not immediately clear who is being spoken to and who is speaking. Since this is the typical moment when everything freezes and the music hums, it needs to easy to know what's happening. I'd write it more like this:
quote: “Will,” he said, looking out of the corner of his eye at me, “the horses are thirsty.” “The kid stays, Roundy.” I froze, half out of my seat. The man across from us was speaking to Shadrack. Slowly, Shadrack shifted in his chair to look at the leader. “No, Rob, he doesn’t.”
It's not exactly brilliant, but you get what I mean. You may know who's saying what but the reader, who doesn't know who "Will" is yet, does know that he's a kid or that "Roundy" refers to Shadrack. We don't know that this isn't an exchange between Will and Shadrack. We need to know, because this is such an important moment.
Next!
quote:I remember being curious about their past
All of a sudden, this is a memory. Until now, this is happening in the 'present'; all the "had"s have been referring to before the bar, not before a moment when this is being recollected. If you're going to make this a memory, it has to be a memory all the way through.
The next section, from "He stared..." to "...what would happen" is a very tense moment. First, Will disobeys Shad, then Shad directly contradicts an armed enemy, then Will walks across the bar to the doors while he knows that four or five armed people are watching him, and yet we get nothing other than what happened. Were there other people in the bar? What were they doing? Were Will's footsteps loud? Was he afraid? Did the people watch him? All through this entire passage, also, there is a lack of this kind of detail. I have a feeling that this is partially because it was written last night.
quote: I then turned around, laid on the ground, and peeked in to see what would happen.
This needs to be thought through and explained a little more. In my mind, the swinging doors of saloons do not reach the ground, so it would be obvious that Will lying down. If this is not the case, you might need to say something. Also, peeking through what? through the crack in the doors? under the doors? Will seems to have an awful lot of confidence in Shad and the ability of wood to protect him. I think it would be great if Will was really foolhardy and a bit dumb, because that's the way he's coming across right now.
quote:So when did you ‘go straight?’”
I get an image of Shadrack using airquotes here. If you use slang, use it with confidence. If explanation is needed, explain it after you use it.
Then Shadrack goes on a long explanation about how he has no morals and what exactly happened that day when he last saw Rob. You could cut this section down to half the length and still get that same fact across. Also, I'm assuming Will knows all this and thinks it's just dandy, because there's no reaction from him.
There's something very interesting about this immoral baddy who doesn't drink. I'm not sure it goes together, but if you can make it, it could be very cool.
Also: "We both know..." is very cliche and sort of saying too much. If Rob knows that Shad does not drink, he's playing for time. I think in this passage you need to decide who's in control. Is Shadrack worried at all? He seems to be when he sends Will out, and yet its clear he could have shot them all to kingdom come in a few seconds. Is Rob afraid? He should be. He knows what Shadrock is, clearly. If he's afraid, is he trying to hide it from his men? Once you decide on this I think the entire section will be much clearer, character-wise.
You have a long passage that is just dialogue. Add some thoughts, actions etc. in there or it's difficult to keep track of who's saying what.
quote: for an addiction long forgotten.
If it's forgotten, how could he long for it? Perhaps "long left behind" or somesuch?
quote: Rob, though, was still alive, but fatally wounded. "I never thought I would see the day that you of all people would use that thing." He then died.
You need to do something about this. It's the last breath in its purest form; the leader is not dead, but he has just enough time to gasp out a meaningful phrase before he dies. Bah. You can solve this by giving Will feelings. Will may feel bad for Rob, he may be frightened of what Shad has done, considering he just shot five men with a terrible mad look in his eye.
quote: Shad looked around like a madman in the middle of a fight.
"like" a madman? He is a madman in the middle of a fight. This is a terrible, terrible moment of quiet. Shad's insane, and Will should acknowledge that.
Anyway, great scene. I really enjoyed reading it!
Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
It felt uneasy using a Golden Gun. I, too, kept thinking about James Bond.
Growing up, my Grandpa always told those kind of stories, past down through the years by word of mouth. He told these stories mainly on memorial day, stories about Shadrack Roundy (who was mentioned in D&C briefly) and seperate stories involving his Grand (or maybe Great Grand) Uncle, Curly Bill, one of the members of the family who crossed the plains when he was a boy. So I decided to have them be mystical in their own right, trying to tell it as a "remembered" story (and had trouble with).
I started out with the first paragraph, and like always when you start writing, the story took off on it's own. So here I was late at night, had a page written down, and suddenly it hit me to add in that bit with the gun. So I did, and ran off to bed (I was really tired and Jamie was already asleep) not really editing the rest of the story to make it more... substantial.
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
Yeah, I figured it had been written quickly. I tried not to be too critical... but, erm, most post was quite long...
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Kwea?
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![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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![[Cool]](cool.gif)
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I get an image of Shadrack using airquotes here. If you use slang, use it with confidence. If explanation is needed, explain it after you use it.![[Blushing]](graemlins/blushing.gif)