Things not going your way? Looking for a quick fix?
Of course you are. Search no further. I am here to help YOU.
Unlike my silent counter-part, I hate to see all the pain and suffering in the world. It breaks my heart to know someone doesn't have the sports car he wants, or can't carry out revenge on his enemies, or can't force that slut to fall in love with him so that he can finally achieve life's ultimate goal of nailing her.
So let me lift the weight off your shoulders. Allow me to grant your heart's desires. I want to do it, but I can't unless you just promise to let me have your soul when you die.
Think of yourself as the spiritual equivalent of an organ-donor, you really are helping a great cause.
Some commonly asked questions:
Is this for real?
Totally.
Satan, I don't believe souls exist, can I still sell "mine"?
Hahaha, of course you can you short-sighted fool. I asure you, you are ripping me off BIG TIME.
But Satan, won't I need my soul in the after life
Not really, no.
I'm pretty sure God said something about ever-lasting life and souls and stuff.
Yea, ok, he did.
Buuuuut, see this? It's a check for a million bucks. Go on take it. Take it. No one's looking, it'll just be our little secret. There you go. Soul shmoul, right?
Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
Perhaps I'm not stressing the ANYTHING part enough.
ANYTHING YOU WANT.
And when was the last time your soul actually came in handy?
Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
Ice cream.
Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on :
I want a puppy
Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
Granted!
Two souls please.
Posted by Kama (Member # 3022) on :
can we give you other people's souls?
Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on :
bye bye soul, I'll miss you
Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
::scratches chin::
Only if they've pledged their soul to you I'm afraid.
So go out there and start winning some hearts and cliched phrases of affection, my dear!
Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
Ice cream?
Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on :
I'm sure K.A.M.A has quite a few souls to give away.
Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
Yes, ice cream, very good. Now hand over your soul.
Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on :
I gave you my soul and still havent' gotten a puppy, you liar!
Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
Ice cream!
Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
Hahahahaha, you've fallen for the oldest trick in my book.
I never said WHEN you'd get your ice cream and puppy.
Enjoy eternity in hell suckers!!!
Next customer.
Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
Ice cream.
Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :
I want your job.
Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
Just sign over your soul and it's yours!
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
How do we know you're the real Satan, and not just someone who will take our souls and run?
Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
::rolls eyes::
Read the NAME.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
...
Posted by JonnyNotSoBravo (Member # 5715) on :
Well, actually the real Satan probably would just take your soul and run. He is the Prince of Lies. Or is he the Father of Lies? I always get those confused...
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
I want to play the guitar really good, like Ralph Macchio.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
If I sold my soul for some soul food, would I be able to enjoy it?
Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
Done, you can now play the guitar like Ralph Macchio!
Not having any clue who Ralph Macchio is, I just went out and found the first guy with that name. I don't know why you want to play like him, though, he stinks!
Oh well, thank you for your business.
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
quote:He is the Prince of Lies. Or is he the Father of Lies? I always get those confused...
This is what I call the Quaddafi effect. I mean the guy is in charge of Libya and can do whatever he wants, and only makes himself a Colonel. Go figure. Same difference with Satan, he rules Hell and only makes himself a Prince.
Derrr.
Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
I'll give you David Guidry's soul, which he gave me in 7th grade for a piece of paper, for psychic powers.
I actually do have the contract in my wallet. It's a good conversation starter.
Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
Women go crazy for princes, more attainable, and younger too.
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
hey Satan, what do you want for breyerchick and Phanto's souls? I'll make you a good deal on 'em.
Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
If you throw in your soul , Book, I'll also shower you with gold and naked women.
Posted by Alucard... (Member # 4924) on :
quote:Women go crazy for princes, more attainable, and younger too.
Yeah but you should have made yourself a Baron or a Lord Those titles imply power. Being a prince sort of makes me think of Prince Charles and his two sons.
Not scary.
Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
Whatcha got, SM?
Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
I think I sold my friends soul a while ago.
Could I sell my bosses soul to you?
Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
Um, being that gold and naked women are usually heavy, I would be pleased to simply be presented with gold and naked women. I mean, if I was going to die, being crushed by nude models and gold doubloons is up there on my list of ways to go, but otherwise, having a truckful of both commodities driven up to the front of my house is preferrable.
But are we good on the whole psychic powers thing?
Posted by sarcasticmuppet (Member # 5035) on :
I'll give you my cat's soul. That's 9 for the price of 2! Don't wait!
Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
You can sell me your bosses soul if your boss has given you his soul. I'm afraid there's just no way around that.
Believe me, if I could do it without the consent of the soul-owner it would make my a job A LOT easier, but I just can't.
Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
quote:Originally posted by sarcasticmuppet: I'll give you my cat's soul. That's 9 for the price of 2! Don't wait!
Who you tryin' ta swindle?
Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
quote:Originally posted by Book: Um, being that gold and naked women are usually heavy, I would be pleased to simply be presented with gold and naked women. I mean, if I was going to die, being crushed by nude models and gold doubloons is up there on my list of ways to go, but otherwise, having a truckful of both commodities driven up to the front of my house is preferrable.
But are we good on the whole psychic powers thing?
Hahaha, the "shower" part was a metaphor, simply a metaphor. You frustratingly careful human, you.
Very well, it will presented to you, along with the psychic powers, for the price of two souls.
Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
quote:Originally posted by rivka: If I sold my soul for some soul food, would I be able to enjoy it?
You would enjoy it even MORE. Your soul doesn't leave you until you die, and you've got free "soul food".
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I'll give you my sole. I assume you'd like it blackened.
Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
Oh you poor punners, never realising how much God hates you, you just play further and further into my hands.
Posted by Book (Member # 5500) on :
Sounds good. I wasn't usin' it anyways.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
If I were to truly give up my soul it would have to be for something really COOL. Ummm.... OK. You accept Christ as the saviour and repent your sins and kiss and make-up with you know who. You do that and my soul is yours. Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
He started it.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
Oh, c'mon Satan, surely you recognize one of your own advocates when they post?
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
I tried to trade my soul for immidieate and eternal world peace, thinking that the act of self-sacrifice would be worthy of a place in heaven.
Then Satan showed me that total and eternal peace would follow the entire extinction of the human species, ie after the next Nuclear war.
I declined, but he says he still has a claim on my soul.
Posted by Satan (Member # 529) on :
Read the fine-print next time.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
quote:I want to play the guitar really good, like Ralph Macchio.
"Well, I had to be at the crossroads last night to sell my soul to the devil." "What'd he give you?" "Well, he taught me to play this here guitar real good." "Oh, son, for that you traded your everlasting soul?" "Well, I wasn't usin' it!"
Posted by Chris Kidd (Member # 2646) on :
Im sorry Target already has mine, but im sure their a subdivision or your corparation.
Posted by aspectre (Member # 2222) on :
![[Evil Laugh]](graemlins/evillaugh.gif)