I know I've used this forum as a sounding board during this past year or so. I appreciate the tollerance. It has certainly helped with the strfess to be able to get things off my chest. So thanks.
Anyways, we decided it's for the best. It's time to move on. I'm stressed out about how things are going to shake out. We've agreed to be peacfull about it all but I worry about the kids. We want to have shared custody and I'm ok with that but she's talking about all kind of money issues that have me concerened. I have no idea what the Ohio divorce laws are and I'll be seeing a lawyer to figure out my exact responsibilty. Any one have any ideas? So send me good vibes and hope for the best.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Just, please, whatever you do, don't talk bad about your ex to your kids. My mom used to pick us up from a weekend with my dad, grill us, criticize anything we let slip (as opposed to completely evading her questions) and then tell us that we were "only bad after [we'd] seen [our] father."
My dad wasn't so overt, but it was still there. Please, try really hard not to do it. It still hurts.
Oh, and I'm sorry, but good luck in your life. I hope you find happiness, whatever that will be for you.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
If you guys can work it out to still be friends or at least friendly with each other, it'll go a long way in keeping your kids balanced. And you guys focusing on that is certainly good.
Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
Dang, dude. Good luck, or whatnot.
Posted by Parsimony (Member # 8140) on :
Sorry to hear things are going that badly, beatnix. Good luck with all the legal stuff. I hope you find happiness as you move on. Be good to your kids.
--ApostleRadio
Posted by Allegra (Member # 6773) on :
Divorce is always hard for all involved. I hope yours goes as smoothly as possible. Good luck.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
beatnix, from what you've said in the past, this doesn't surprise me, and, remember that you did really try and took your time with this decision. In other words, don't beat yourself up over it...just move on.
And give yourself time before starting another relationship. You've had a lot of time to prepare for this, but believe me it will still put you on a roller-coaster of emotions and self-doubt. I know lots of guys who reacted to this "phase" by becoming misogynistic frat-boy/caveman hybrids. I'm sure you know a few as well. (Example: one guy started hanging out at the local water park so he could spend all day making sexist comments about teenage girls. As far as I know he never went further with that, but he was a complete drag to be around and I was very worried about what he might let himself do just because he wanted to spread his pain around...) (another guy I know hung out on the internet and married a MUCH younger woman. They seem happy though)
Anyway, there is good news at the end of all this. I suspect you'll find out a lot about yourself, and your kids. And it will surprise you to get to know yourself all over again.
I hope the money situation isn't horrible. I don't know Ohio's laws either. If the custody is truly "joint" and your income levels are fairly comparable, it would seem reasonable to not have much money change hands. Sadly, my advice on this regard is to get a great lawyer. Not just the best you can afford, but one that is truly experienced and isn't going to give up too easily.
You don't want to leave your ex in dire straights, but you also don't want to make it so you can't afford to live decently either. It's going to be painful in many ways, but the court can really mess with your finances if they don't feel you've dealt in good faith. So, you need a lawyer who knows not to play stupid games with the judge and who can stop the other side from pulling a fast one.
And if they ask you for information, provide it promptly and with a smile. Last thing you want is to appear uncooperative. Especially in front of the judge or arbitrator.
Good luck on that score.
I know you'll do well in all the other parts. Just give yourself time and try not to make too many BIG decisions when you're still in the depression (i.e., toxic) phase of the grieving process.
Some decision-making is required. But anything that can be put off until you feel ready, should be.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
I agree with KQ, that's the worst thing you can do. It puts the kids in such an awful situation.
*hugs* Good luck, beatnix. Just take a deep breath. You'll be fine.
Posted by imenimok (Member # 7679) on :
That's rough, beatnix. Hang in there.
Posted by Jhai (Member # 5633) on :
My parents got divorced when I was 6, and they did a truly wonderful job at making us kids feel secure and not like bargining chips. I don't know how old your kids are, but if they're old enough (and my parents felt I was at my age), involve them in any decisions that will affect them--where they spend the weekends, who they spend vacations with... Try to split it up as evenly as possible, but listen to what the kids have to say. If your ex-wife descends to bad behavior, don't follow her. Just tell the kids why you choose to NOT behave in that way, without judging their mother.
Good luck with everything!
P.S. A family counsler can help at times like these, just to sort out kid stuff between the parents, and to have another adult telling the kids that it will be ok.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Listen to Bob. He's a wise man.
I'm sorry this happened, but it's clear you can trust your choices once you've had time to consider them. Hang onto that trust so you don't second-guess yourself more than you have to.
Ditto on the lawyer. You want someone who won't play games but can call the other side on it if they try. Many "amicable" divorces become hostile because of one or both of the lawyers. Make it clear you don't want to roll over but also that you're not trying to get revenge. If your state has a mediation/arbitration program, make sure your lawyer knows how to navigate it.
Good luck.
Dagonee
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
beatnix, it sounds like you have tried. I wish the best and join the chorus of voices saying please be on good terms with your ex-wife for your children's sake.
quote:(another guy I know hung out on the internet and married a MUCH younger woman. They seem happy though)
*amused*
Posted by Kayla (Member # 2403) on :
Here's a child support calculator for Ohio. I found it surprising.
Another web site on your financial rights. Very broad strokes, but interesting.
First of all, don't let anyone tell you that your kids are from a broken home. Their home may be different, but it will never be broken. I've been divorced for over 6 years, and it is possible to raise well-adjusted, secure kids through a divorce. My ex and I are not friends, but we are business partners in a sense. We are unfailingly polite to one another in front of our children and do not talk each other down. I read once that the best thing you can do for your child is to give him/her permission to love the other parent, and I've found that to be very true. I might not like my ex, but our children love him and always will.
Hang in there. There will be bumps, especially in the first few years, but they will work themselves out. Remain devoted to doing what's best for your children and you won't go wrong. And don't waste time on guilt.
space opera
Posted by ctm (Member # 6525) on :
((beatnix))
Good luck with everything, I'll be thinking of you. You gave it your best shot, and you'll always be able to say you didn't just give up on your marriage without trying... no what-ifs to haunt you, and that is a good thing.
Hug your kids, and be good to yourself.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
I am sorry.
Good luck.
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
(((beatnix)))
Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
Hang in there beatnix. I know that you will do a good job af balancing it all and keeping your kid's best interests in mind.
Posted by beatnix19 (Member # 5836) on :
Thanks everyone. She actually started looking for a place of her own today. WE haven't talked with the kids yet but I hope to do that as soon as we have some definate plans for our seperation. I've kind of been feeling them out a bit with out saying too much yet. I think if we work together we will be able to make this happen smoothly.
Posted by ctm (Member # 6525) on :
beatnix.. a good book that I found very helpful is called "The truth about children and divorce" by John Emery... he's a psychologist who has done a great deal of research on the topic, and he is also a counselor who has worked with divorcing couples for many years. I found his advice practical, realistic and invaluable...it's especially helpful with such things as telling your kids.
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
Sorry to hear about your divorce.
Good luck and hang in there.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Occasional, that's a horrid thing to say, and not appropriate. Please edit it.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
beatnix, I recommend the Sandcastles book very highly. Well written, very insightful, and very useful.
I'm sorry you and your kids are going through this, but know that you WILL be ok. It may take a while. Email or AIM anytime.
[ June 23, 2005, 11:47 PM: Message edited by: rivka ]
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Occasional. Seriously. You're not being cool, and your comments, however you feel, are NOT APPROPRIATE. This is not the place. If you want to start a thread on your feelings on divorce in general, that's fine. But don't rag on an individual who has done so much to avoid this, but, lamentably, decided it has to be.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Occasional. DID YOU READ ALL HIS PRIOR POSTS ABOUT HIS MARRIAGE? If not, EDIT YOUR POST AND GO DO IT BEFORE YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD. Please.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
quote:You agree, through your use of this service, that you will not use this BB to post any material which is knowingly false and/or defamatory, inaccurate, abusive, vulgar, hateful, harassing, obscene, profane, sexually oriented, threatening, invasive of a person's privacy, or otherwise violative of any law.
From the user agreement.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
Occasional, you don't know the circumstances. You know almost nothing about this. You are not party to what's been happening in that marriage, nor are you a participant in the decision making process. It's not up to you and it's not for you to judge, regardless of your feelings.
Drop it.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
You're right, kq. Sorry.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
*agrees* You are way out of line... He's in enough pain enough as it is...
I'm sorry it has been so stressful for you, Beatnix. You are a cool guy.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
It wasn't directed at you, rivka. But if you feel you've been out of line, that just serves to emphasise my point.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Not out of line. I just shouldn't have posted it anyway.
But I think I'll leave it.
[Addit: Yeah, changed my mind.]
[ June 23, 2005, 11:49 PM: Message edited by: rivka ]
Posted by hansenj (Member # 4034) on :
I have to add that I have read the threads about Beatnix's situation, and I have come to strongly admire his strength in holding his marriage together as long as possible under circumstances that would have been unbearable for many people. I am not easily offended, and your rude comments on this situation without even *trying* to understand the situation are extremely offensive to me, Occasional.
Just had to echo the others.
Good luck, Beatnix. You have been so strong for so long, and I wish you the best.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Well, now that his post is gone...
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
And we look like we're tilting at windmills...
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Except that rivka quoted the original post.
Posted by Occasional (Member # 5860) on :
You can all paste and copy your comments on my newly opened thread about divorce. Then get rid of the ones here so that I'm not "messing with" this one.
P.S. I will delete this reply eventually.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Sorry, dude, not gonna do it.
Posted by hansenj (Member # 4034) on :
ditto
Posted by Occasional (Member # 5860) on :
Ok, don't delete them. However, that kind of seems to be hypocritical for the reason you slammed me in the first place.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
Hypocritical? How the *heck* do you figure that?
Posted by hansenj (Member # 4034) on :
I can't speak for everyone else, but I don't think pretending the conversation didn't happen is fixing things in any way. You have still refused openly to understand Beatnix's background. Because if you did take the time to find out more about the situation, you would also find that you have significant reason to apologize for your behavior--not for your personal views, but for your accusations toward someone who probably holds very similar views on divorce as yourself.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
quid, I think we need to let it die. If he's not going to apologize, we shouldn't prolong it.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just steams me...
Posted by Papa Janitor (Member # 7795) on :
Occasional's comments were out of place on this thread, and I appreciate that he has removed them from here. I think the making nature of the board would be well served if the conversation about the posts were at least dropped, if not also removed.
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