This is topic Advice... from those more experienced....(an update) in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.


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Posted by ill malkier (Member # 8244) on :
 
From a suggestion from rivka I have come to visit "the other side."

http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/main/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=003344;p=1#000001

And I just wanted some advice-- serious advice, please (though I do enjoy good humor )

I don't ask for advice much, but here goes...
I've got a really good friend-- she and I have been really close for a couple of years. We dated a bit before she served an LDS mission. She's back now, has been for 2 or 3 months now, and we started to date a bit again-- until she told me she didn't feel right about it (took me totally off gaurd).

So, I'm struggling because I really care about her and want to continue to date her and see where our relationship can lead, but I CERTAINLY want to respect her feelings.

We've talked about it, she and I, and she told me she wants to date me, too, but is unsure how she feels.

So, is patience the best course, or what? I don't really have parents I trust to ask about this , so I open it to those who may be able to help.

And, moderators, if this is not the place to post such things, I understand, just let me know and I will take it off. Not a problem.

[ July 06, 2005, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: ill malkier ]
 

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Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
 
I don't have any suggestions. Just wanted to welcome you to this side.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
Patience as opposed to what?

Your only options are to either go slowly and patiently with her, go find someone else, or be alone altogether.

All three are fine choices, if you approach them in a proper frame of mind.

If you are certain of your feelings for her, then waiting and being her friend is certainly not a waste, even if ultimately nothing comes of it. You can enjoy what time you do spend together and, if the activities are not actually "dating" that can even be more fun (less pressure).

You could decide that waiting IS going to go nowhere and you might as well find someone else. Or at least look. It depends. If she tells you she doesn't love you, believe her. That's a sure sign that someone really doesn't. If she's not sure, and never seems to become sure...that's a pretty good signal as well. If this is about marriage, marrying someone who actually WANT'S to be married to you is a huge plus. Trust me on this one.

Now, as for just spending some time alone...that's not a bad thing either. Too many people ignore this possibility. It's a chance to grow and become the person you want to be. Once you're married and (especially) starting a family, that opportunity might still be there, but it is sometimes "stolen" from other time and other activities. Whereas now, it's just there ready to be used.

By the way, are you also LDS?
 

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
 
This is definitely an appropriate place to ask about this.

I'm not Mormon, and so have never gone on a mission, so take what I say here with a grain of salt.

That said, here's the thing--she just came back from what has to have been a life changing experience. There's no way she can be exactly who she was before she left, and it's understandable that she'd be looking at the people who were a part of her life before in a somewhat different way as well. It strikes me as a very natural and healthy thing. If I were you, what I would do is tell her that you understand (assuming that you really do understand of course--I'd definitely advocate telling her the truth here). Let her know how you feel, but don't crowd her. Give her space to figure it out. Hopefully when she does she'll decide that who you are now is right for who she is now, but if she decides that she's changed too much for that to be the case, respect it and let her go.

Oh, and welcome to this side of the river!
 

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Posted by ill malkier (Member # 8244) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Bob_Scopatz:
marrying someone who actually WANT'S to be married to you is a huge plus. Trust me on this one.

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Yeah, I know that for sure. My mom's been married and divorced 5 times, and I nearly tried to marry someone who didn't seem to want to marry me (never would have worked, obviously) She was also of the "never seem to be able to decide" type.

And, yes, I'm LDS too.
 

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Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
 

quote:

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until she told me she didn't feel right about it (took me totally off gaurd).

So, I'm struggling because I really care about her and want to continue to date her and see where our relationship can lead, but I CERTAINLY want to respect her feelings.

We've talked about it, she and I, and she told me she wants to date me, too, but is unsure how she feels.

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I think she told you how she felt about it, my friend.
 

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Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
 
Both of the main advice points I was going to give have already been given, so I'm just seconding what Bob and Noemon said about patience and the life-changing aspects of missions (or any long, personally/spiritually important trip for that matter).

Also, when Bob says "trust me on this one," really trust him. Since you probably don't know this, being new to this side and all, he's married to my sister and they're so happy it's almost nauseating to be in the same room as both of them.

--Enigmatic
(is allowed to tease his in-law)
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
You can tease me all you want. I have someone who loves me, so everything feels good.
 

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Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
 
See? See what I mean? Blech!

--Enigmatic
(Can't you wait until you find somebody great for you and can make your friends this ill?)
 

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Posted by ill malkier (Member # 8244) on :
 
Shoot... Bob, I TOTALLY misunderstood what you meant. Sorry about that. I thought you were speaking from BAD experience, not good....

Congrats to you my friend.

 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
I'd say, back off and be "just friends," and get on with your life. If the relationship ripens from friendship to romance, then fine, but if not, you will have moved on and pursued other options. Romance is only nice when the relationship is reciprocal, otherwise, it can be, um, uncomfortable for all involved.

Advice from your Tante, Esther
 

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Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
 
That's good advice.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
ill m.:

I have both sides of that experience. I am living the good side of it. It's much better.

I like to think I appreciate it more. But really, the feeling of being loved is pretty darn nice even if you don't know what it's like to be with a partner who was never sure.

My real advice. Find someone who loves you and isn't afraid to show it. Marry her and live happily ever after. And don't forget to love her right back!

And nauseate your friends and family while you're at it.
 

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Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
Awww... (sweet)
 

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Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
 

quote:

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so everything feels good.

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OOC anyone?


So Bob...how have you and Dana ascertained this fact? Extensive testing?
 

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Posted by TL (Member # 8124) on :
 
Unfortunately you really have no choice. You can't date someone who doesn't reciprocate....

At least not without ending up in handcuffs.
 

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Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
 
She has told you.

I'm an LDS girl, and I can say that part of the culture is the pressure to never make someone feel bad or rejected. The inconvenient part of that is that sometimes in order to do that, the girl ends up ignoring how she feels for a very long time. This happens ALL THE TIME.

I was on the phone the other day with my dad, and mentioned how someone had asked me out but I said no because I didn't want anything to happen with him. My dad gave me a guilt trip for it, and I finally recognized where that pressure to lie to make someone feel good came from. That's how guys end up in a relationship for years with someone who doesn't really want to be there - she don't want to be a bad person. There is definitely the idea out there that saying "I don't want to date you." makes you a bad person.

Definitely respect her feelings. If it is worth it to you to be friends anyway, do that, but don't put any pressure on her. Either she'll hate it and pull away, or she'll hate it and she won't. Neither is a good option.
 

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Posted by OlavMah (Member # 756) on :
 
If you can be friends. It's okay also if you don't want to be friends, if your feelings aren't of the friendly kind. I mean, don't be mean to her or anything, but ask yourself if is friendship a real option. Do you want to be buddies, or do you really want to be around her because she's pretty and you're crazy about her? If it's the latter, don't be friends. (This advice is similar to don't stick sharp sticks in your eye on purpose and don't play in traffic.)

Move on, date other people, and be honest with her. Explain that you have feelings for her and they aren't going away right now. Maybe someday, and if someday ever comes and you still want to be friends, call her up then.

But my "experience", from two LDS guys trying to convert relationships into friendships (and now as a young single adult advisor and also as a seminary teacher for high school seniors - which is probably a sign that I don't know anything and must be humbled repeatedly) is don't hang out in limbo. It's painful and unnecessary, and the old adage about if you love something let it go, etc. etc.? It's true.

One guy who wanted to be "just friends" is pretty much out of my life and things are good; the other is my husband
 

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Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
 
Move on. Swallow your feelings as best you can and move on. The "let's just be friends" thing might be sincere, but it would be torture for you and would probably just lead to more pain and embarassment. Back off, drop off contact to acquaintence level, and move on.
 

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Posted by ill malkier (Member # 8244) on :
 
Thanks for the suggestions...

Here's the latest so far. After she said she didn't feel right about us dating, we spent a week without hardly talking. It was a little awkward becuase we hadn't really defined much.

Then we talked, and I told her exactly how I felt-- that I wanted to date her, but respected her feelings.

Since then (that was a few days ago) we've been more comfortable being together (without being TOGETHER, you know), which has been a lot better.

I appreciate all the comments and suggestions. I don't think I'm ready to just cast it all to the wind, but I'm certainly not going to put all my eggs in one basket, so to speak.

If anything, time will tell the most. My plan is just to let things do as they will, make sure I am always honest about my feelings with her and with myself... and let her do the same.

Thanks again for all the help. I'll keep you posted as things unravel... if and when they do.
 

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Posted by whiskysunrise (Member # 6819) on :
 
Just remember, it will be better to be married to you best friend.

My husband and I never really dated until after we were engaged. We spent time together with other people. That is how we got to know each other.

So if spending time with her and being her friend is an option take it. Give her time to really find out what she wants. It may also let you know that she isn't right for you.

Good luck hope it works out the way it's ment to.
 

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Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
 
I would ask her exactly what reservations she's having, but do it in a way that's gentle enough that she can not answer if she wants to. You may find that she isn't in love with you, or you may find out that she's afraid of marriage, or you may find out that she feels she has become someone you can't love anymore--or any number of other things. Some of them you can work through, and some of them you can't. You have to be willing to hear her true answer. If you're not, don't ask and move on.
 

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Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
 

quote:

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Then we talked, and I told her exactly how I felt-- that I wanted to date her, but respected her feelings.

Since then (that was a few days ago) we've been more comfortable being together (without being TOGETHER, you know), which has been a lot better.

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quote:

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If this is about marriage, marrying someone who actually WANT'S to be married to you is a huge plus.

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HUGE plus!
 

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Posted by ill malkier (Member # 8244) on :
 
I just wanted to give you all the *good news* update.

She and I talked about our situation about a week after she told me she didn't think we should be dating. We hadn't really talked much that week. I told her how I felt and asked what she wanted and how she felt.

Turned out that she WANTED for us to date, but had unknown reservations, and that scared her. So, we started doing things together again (Walks, movies, games, studying, etc) but defined ourselves as undefined.

Until last night... I don't remember how it came up, but she said that she definately considered us dating, though not exclusively (yet, I hope).


Made me thrilled. We've been best friends for like 2 years and helped each other through some really hard times. She's probably the neatest person I've known, ever. And she understands me at a level no one ever has. I love that! So, yeah, we're happily dating-- with potential.

As for her concerns... we continue to talk about them. Some have surfaced and we've been able to discuss and work through them. True, nothing like a concern just disappears, but I'm not looking to get married tomorrow either. Just-- someday.

Anyway. Thanks again for your help! I just wanted to share my excitement! Thanks again Hatrackers!

 

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Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
 
Good on ya, mate.
 

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Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
 
This is indeed good news. I mean that especially because it shows you are talking AND thinking. Two activities that are important to the long-term success of any relationship.

I hope this goes in the direction you want, or, even better, that you are ultimately happy with the direction in which it goes.
 

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