My Mother has died today. Found her about 3:00pm. She is 53.
Posted by BotaLadyG (Member # 7053) on :
I'm sorry for your loss Telp... {{{Telp}}}
Nicole
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
I'm so sorry. (((hugs))) Is there anything I can do?
Posted by BotaLadyG (Member # 7053) on :
I second the "is there anything I can do?" I live not too far from Toledo, and I see that you are in the Detroit area.
Nicole
Posted by Lepidamy (Member # 8339) on :
Deepest sympathy...though i dont understand why you'd want to burden us with your troubles. My mother dying is something I never want to go through, and seeing your post kinda makes it even more of a reality. But, she was 53? Thats quite young. What was wrong?
Posted by Tatiana (Member # 6776) on :
I'm so sorry, Teperion! Please accept my deepest sympathy. That must have been a terrible shock to find her like that. 53 is so very young. It must be a great blow to you.
Know that we are here and we care about you and support you. May you find comfort in your grief.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Lepidamy, please check your e-mail.
Posted by Troubadour (Member # 83) on :
My condolences, Telperion.... I feel for you... ((hugs))
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
She and I had gotten in a little fight this past week. All my fault. I had downloaded a game onto the computer...without asking. It's her 'puter and the understanding is to ask before uploading anything. Well, I decided it was a small game and no prob. Well she didn't think so and called it a breach of trust. I was very angry for the first day, that she would get so upset over such a small thing. But I came to and realised that I was a bastard. So I apologized and we kissed and made up.
The wierd thing is that it's almost like she knew. She's been so devestated from the divorce from my Dad three years ago that no matter how I tried to cheer her up usually failed. I became very resentful that she would just. not. heal. Because her pain was mine. So I was forced to live with it. Not that I was an easy person to live with. We both had to deal with each other and things that annoyed each other about each other.
But this past year I was really getting used to the idea that I would take care of her. That and because of my poverty this past year my doing most of the house-work was my rent money.
So I was depressed too. But my normal state is to be happy. Well.. normal when there is little stress. Most stress gets me depressed very very easily. So we both ossilated back and forth between being down and being happy. And very rarely would we both be happy at the same time. When one was happy we would try and cheer up the other...usually to no effect. But every once in a while we would be on the same wavelength. And this past week we were almost there. While I wasn't HAPPY, I was at least not bitter and upset. After we made up she bought two pizza'a for us for no reason and was very nice and loving.
And the last night I saw her... I got home from work at midnight, and she had just gotten home from a date! A good date! And she was happy. So I stayed up for a bit and talked to her about it...when, while I really want her to find love again, I'm so self abosrbed cannot find much energy for others. But I did for a bit. We only have cable up in her room so while she stayed up for a bit on the computer I watched Paranoia Agent on Adult Swim. When she came up at 1:30am to kick me out I was just going to run downstairs with a quick "bye". But she stopped me saying "give me a hug". I was like "um.. ok!" Hug for a minute then run downstairs.
She asked me to stay up till 6:30am to wake her up for work, since she would have trouble getting up for work...and I work the afternoon shift anyway. So did that and woke her up. Then I went to bed. My brother came home from work at 7:00am and did the same...and he said that she was awake and talking on the phone.
Well.... she didn't go in to work. She can log on to Ford from home so I guess she decided to work from home. Well... I got up at 3:00pm (my day off) and walked into the front room... and I found her slumped over in the chair in front of the computer. For a split second I thought she was alseep. But I realized NO. Ran over... and I knew instantly that she must be dead.. she was cold and her skin was mottled all over. Our house phone is out of wack so I used my cell to call 911. Totally lost it talking to them. Called my brother...no answer so I left a voice mail. Called my Aunt Jenny and she talked with me till the paramedics arrived... 2 seconds after my brother. She was "can you do CPR" and I was like "I don't think it will matter". And the medics said that she'd been dead for several hours.
What a f*#&@$ up day. Spent an hour on the phone with my brother as we called everyone we knew while waiting for my Aunt Betsy, who has medical power of atturney, and my Dad. My Mom had a thousand things wrong with her and was taking like 30 different meds and was seeing about 15 doctors. We couldnt' figure out who was her main physisican and we needed to tell the cops who that was so they could talk to her Dr. and rule out foul play... otherwise they would have to take her to the medical examiner.
Well... they didn't have to... and a shame since we have to pay 1,500 for a private autopsy and government one is free for us. Spent about 5 hours at the funeral home with my brother, Dad, and Aunt Betsy working over arrangements and paperwork and payments and whatnot.
Now I'm over my friend Shawn's house drinking.
Posted by Troubadour (Member # 83) on :
No matter what, she knew you loved her. If there's one thing I've learned from my own mum, it's that. I can't imagine a worse day... Again, I feel for you....
Posted by Corwin (Member # 5705) on :
((((Telp)))) I'm so sorry for your loss...
Posted by Shigosei (Member # 3831) on :
I'm so sorry, Telperion. My condolences to you and your family.
Please be sure to take care of yourself.
Posted by Allegra (Member # 6773) on :
I am so sorry. 53 is so young. She should've had so many good years left. If there is anything I can do don't hesitate to ask. (((((Telp))))))
Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
(((Telp))) I'm really sorry. I will think about you and your Mom really hard. Take care of you.
Posted by Chreese Sroup (Member # 8248) on :
Make sure to eat, make sure your family eats. Whenever you can be around people, no matter how you feel. Express how you feel.
I say these things because they were the things I had problems with when we lost a parent.
I still can't express how I feel most of the time. Best wishes to you and your family. Hugs are wonderful, give and take them often.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Oh, no.
(((((Telp)))))
My Mum turns 50 this year and I cannot imagine losing her in 3 years time.
I am so, so, sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself. Know we're here anytime you wish to rant, vent, or whatever. *hugs*
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
Thanks guys. Well... it's 6:20am.. and I can't sleep here. I want to go home. Only one person left to drive me home and they think I shouldn't go home, but I don't want to stay here. I guess I'll just walk home if they won't take me. We have to be up at noon and I'll be a total wreck if I can't get any sleep. Take care Hatrack...thanks again for being my friends.
Posted by Bean Counter (Member # 6001) on :
All I can think of is the end of Season Four of Buffy, I think, when she came home and found her mom dead, I think it was you mentioning the 'Date' ahead of time.
That episode moves me more then real death for some reason I do not really understand. I 'get it' when I see SMG do it.
It sounds as if you are facing a horrible crisis of detail and grief. I wish I were in a position to help you sort the financial details and help with the niggling stuff. I hope you have help for all that.
Drink, but try to wake her in the Irish Way, grieve with joy and celebrate what was good. Then get sober and get busy until all the details are taken care of. They can get you evicted or your power shut off or any number of inconveniences you do not need right now.
BC
Posted by Mabus (Member # 6320) on :
I'm so sorry, Telperion.
I was sure when I got here the London bombings would be plastered all over the place, but this is worse to hear. If you need anything I can give, I'll be around again, I think.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Ah, Telp, I'm sorry.
Posted by Chris Bridges (Member # 1138) on :
Take care, Telp. Are you in immediate need of cash? Hatrackers aren't rich, as a rule, but we take care of our own.
Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
{{Telperion}}
I wanted to express my sympathies, too.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
I am so very sorry, Telperion. Can we have your address, somehow?
Posted by Orson Scott Card (Member # 209) on :
Telperion, you're already doing the right things - reaching out to people who will listen; verbalizing the story (which has the effect of purging AND of creating a little emotional distance); immersing yourself in the details of life after losing someone.
It's important that you remember that while many people will give you advice (including me!), you should usually follow your own inclinations. That is, if they say, "No, stay and be with people" but you know that what you need is to be alone - then be alone, for a little at least. If someone says, "You can't stay in the house where she died," but you feel that you WANT to be there because that's where you were last together with her, then do what YOU think is right and what YOU feel that you need.
And your needs and decisions will change over time - that's ok too.
There are things you'll do for others, of course - funerals are for other people, really, not for you - a way for them to offer their support. Accept their support ...
There are some things, though, that you might feel inclined to do. Self-anesthetization begins rationally enough - alcohol does indeed numb some emotions. But it's like taking morphine for pain. It works for a while, but it's also easy to keep the anesthetization going long after the pain is manageable without it.
Meanwhile, the more you write down NOW the happier you'll be later. Even if you get emotional while doing it, write down free-assocation memoirs of your mother. Experiences you had together. Good and bad! Because later you WILL come to feel that your memory of her is slipping away. So anything you write about her now - including absolutely mundane things like what she liked to order from certain restaurants or personal quirks or things you quarreled about or songs she hummed or sang - those things will be really, really important to you later.
Meanwhile, I'll try to forget that I'm 53 myself right now. No, I won't. I already know how fragile life is, and how easily it can end, and how the grief of loss doesn't so much fade as get pushed into the background, always ready to come right to the foreground again at a moment's notice.
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
I'm so sorry, Telp.
We'll be here for you if you need us. You are loved, baby.
Posted by plaid (Member # 2393) on :
(((Telp)))
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
I'm sorry.
(((Telperion the Silver and Family)))
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
Telperion, Karl, I am so shocked and saddened! I guess no one saw this coming.
We're here for you. We'd like your address if that's OK with you.
Posted by Parsimony (Member # 8140) on :
I am sorry to hear that Telp. I know that one of the scariest moments for me was a few years back when my mom suffured a stroke. Just know that anyone here on Hatrack is willing to talk to you or help you in any way possible.
((Telp))
--ApostleRadio
Posted by Wendybird (Member # 84) on :
I'm sorry Telp. ((((((Telp))))))
Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
(((Telp)))
Posted by Ryuko (Member # 5125) on :
Oh, Telp, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. (hug)
Posted by CaySedai (Member # 6459) on :
{{{{{{{{Telp}}}}}}}
Posted by Rakeesh (Member # 2001) on :
I'm very sorry for your loss, Telperion. Peace be with your family and yourself.
Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
I am so very very sorry. *hugs* I'll keep you in my prayers.
Posted by larisse (Member # 2221) on :
Telp.... I am so sorry for your loss. Only in my nightmares have I ever been in a situation like the one you found yourself in. Reading your account of the past day was sad, but it also showed how much you cared about your mom. It can be hard getting along with our parents, no matter what age, with perhaps the exception of when we are very young. I am glad you were feeling that your relationship was moving forward. Hold on to those memories. Heck, hold on to all your memories. May your mother be at peace.
{{{{Telp and family}}}}
Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
Oh Karl. I am so sorry.
I second writing. Journals can be wonderfully healing. Just a suggestion, you might find a special journal where you write letters to your mom to be healing.All the things you never got to say, all the new things you want to tell her. The grief will come in waves and will take time, be gentle with yourself, and don't let anyone dictate the timetable of your grieving.
Just wanted to throw out, I didn't even have the casual brew until several months after Brian Benjamin's death because I wanted to be sure I wasn't numbing myself. As much as it hurts you need these feelings. Delaying them won't make them go away, it only stunts the grieving process and may give you an ulcer besides.
Much love
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
Telp, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Peace and strength to you and yours.
Posted by Narnia (Member # 1071) on :
(((Telp))) I'm so sorry honey. Please keep checking in here so we know how you're doing. We all love you. I hope you remember that.
I'd love to know more about your mom too when you feel like telling us about her. She sounds like a wonderful lady who loved you.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
I'm sorry for your loss Telp.
If there's anything I can do (which I'd doubt, but never the less I offer my service), I live in the Detroit area, not far from you I believe. I don't remember exactly where you live, but Royal Oak isn't far from most of the metro area. Let me know if there is anything I can do.
Writing in journals or on a forum such as this is a good way to get a lot of your emotions out. Many people find it very cathartic, helps to focus the mind and clear your thoughts.
Posted by amira tharani (Member # 182) on :
*hugs Telp*
Posted by peterh (Member # 5208) on :
(((Telp))) Keep us posted on how you're doing...
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
*hugs* I am sorry for you loss...
Posted by Speed (Member # 5162) on :
Telp... wow. That's so sad. I can't give any better advice than has already been given, but I will add my voice to the chorus of people who wish this hadn't happened, and who feel a small part of your grief with you. God bless.
Posted by Brian J. Hill (Member # 5346) on :
I am so sorry for your loss, Telp. To second everyone else, don't hesitate to let me know if you need anything. Whatever it is. ((Telp))
Posted by Derrell (Member # 6062) on :
(((Telp)))
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
Sorry to hear that, Telp. Posted by sndrake (Member # 4941) on :
Telp,
I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say that others haven't said - and better than I would have.
Please keep writing. Even if I don't post, I'll be reading. And you will be in my thoughts.
Posted by Lupus (Member # 6516) on :
sorry Telp. Posted by accio (Member # 3040) on :
I’m so sorry. (((hugs))
Posted by Papa Moose (Member # 1992) on :
I have no words -- I'm sorry for your loss sounds deficient to me, but at least it's true. (((Telp)))
Posted by Diana Bailey (Member # 8313) on :
I am so deeply sorry you lost your mother. You are in our hearts and prayers. Posted by mothertree (Member # 4999) on :
(((Karl)))
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Telp, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for your loss. I am thinking of you.
Posted by CT (Member # 8342) on :
I'm so sorry, Karl. I just sent you an email.
Stay safe and healthy as best you can while you grieve, okay? OSC had some excellent advice.
(Man, I wish I could be there myself to make you jasmine tea and fix stuff as best I could. )
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
Telp, what OSC said was wonderful advice, and I agree that writing is a very, very good thing for you.
Not long ago I stumbled on some old writings I did soon after I lost my grandfather and it was very comforting, and helped me remember my love for him and the joy I felt around him.
I know that this was a very difficult experience, my heart goes out to you. I am deeply, deeply sorry for your loss. Posted by Glenn Arnold (Member # 3192) on :
Telp, I'm not good at these things, but I'd like to add my condolences.
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
Telp - I am so sorry. Many hugs coming your way.
Posted by Jay (Member # 5786) on :
So sorry
Posted by Dragon (Member # 3670) on :
(((Telp)))
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
*majorly big bear hugs for Telperion because I'm at a loss for words*
((((((Telperion))))))))
I don't remember much of anything people said to me the week my dad died. But I do remember the hugs and the reaching out.
So I wish I were there to do that for you in person right now.
Farmgirl
Posted by fiazko (Member # 5812) on :
(((Telp)))
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
((Telp))
I'm so sorry. Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad things between you guys was at a good place. I'll be thinking about you (and praying for you and your family - if you don't mind).
Posted by Vána (Member # 6593) on :
Karl. I wish I could come sit with you. I'm so sorry that I can't - I so hope someone else is there to be with you. It sounds like there are people available to you, if you want the company. I hope that you and your brother, especially, can comfort each other.
I am so sorry.
Posted by Lime (Member # 1707) on :
Karl, you and your family will be in my prayers. I don't have any better advice than: take care of yourselves. You have my deepest and most sincere condolences.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
I am so very sorry, Karl. Know that we love you, 'k?
And I am glad that you got to have a last night with her that was happy and loving -- even if it had to be followed by such a hellish day.
(((((Telp)))))
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
Telp. I am very sorry for your loss, even though I agree with Papa...that phrase just can't come close to saying what I mean.
My dad and mom retire at the end of August, and they are both a little older than your mom was, so this really hits home for me.
JenniK and I will be thinking of you and your family.
Kwea
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
*speechless* I'm so sorry Telpy.
*hugs*
AJ
Posted by skillery (Member # 6209) on :
I have never kissed my mom. I don't know how she would react.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
I remember talking to my parents late one night, as a pre-teen. They were telling me that I was close to the age where kids, particularly boys, would stop being affectionate to their parents..little things, like kissing them on the cheek where I went to bed and things like that.
I told them that I would never outgrow that, and they laughed at that.
I was right. We had a few years there where we didn't really get along...my fault, really...but even then I always made a point of going up to BOTH of them and kissing them on the cheek to say good night. Even when it felt a little odd, like when I came home at age 23 from basic training.
I am glad I never outgrew it, and still kiss them on the cheek when I go to visit them, and when I say goodnight. That was one promise that I kept, and it is at times like this, going through things like Telp is right now, that you really and truly are thankful for things like that. Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I'm so sorry.
Posted by Earendil18 (Member # 3180) on :
My thoughts and prayers go with you and your family. Posted by jebus202 (Member # 2524) on :
Telp, I'm sorry for what's happend to you and your family and I wish you strength for the hard times ahead.
Posted by Kama (Member # 3022) on :
*hugs and hugs and hugs*
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
Oh, Telp!!!
I'm so sorry I didn't see this earlier, my internet hasn't been working, and I've had to mooch off of other people's computers while they haven't been around... *hugs tight* I'm so sorry to hear about this. Please let me know if there's anything I can do. I'm thinking of you. ((((((((((Telp)))))))))))
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
Thank you everyone. I'm so tired. I've only gotten about 6 hours of sleep the past two days. Spent hours and hours at the funeral home setting up everything. We had an autopsy done. She died from a blood clot that came from the leg, went through the heart, and stopped up on the way to the lungs. Stopped all circulation. The funeral service is tues and weds and the mass is on thursday at St. Frances Cabrini. I'm going to try and sleep some more.
Posted by ssywak (Member # 807) on :
(((((Telp)))))
We love you, man.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Karl, I'm so sorry.
Posted by MyrddinFyre (Member # 2576) on :
Oh my goodness. I hope you can find sleep. (((telp)))
Posted by Tammy (Member # 4119) on :
((((Telp))))
I'm so sorry.
Posted by ailurophobic (Member # 8343) on :
I'm so sorry, honey, even if I don't know you at all. I know from experience it's hard to lose a parent, but you know you have all the love of everyone here. Take care of yourself.
Posted by ReikoDemosthenes (Member # 6218) on :
((((Telp))))
I'm so very sorry...
Posted by ShadowPuppet (Member # 8239) on :
I add my voice to the choir of condolences...
I feel for you and your family as a fellow human who has experienced loss over and over again
peace be with you and yours
Posted by arevoj (Member # 7347) on :
i'm very sorry.
Posted by Wonder Dog (Member # 5691) on :
Oh Telp... I am so sorry for your loss. If you'll accept a big crying hug from a guy, consider it given. I pray that you'll find some peace in all this pain.
Posted by Ela (Member # 1365) on :
Telp, so sorry for your loss. Let us know if there is anything we can do to help.
And listen to Uncle Orson - what he said is very wise.
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
Yes... many thanks to Uncle Orson for the very kind and insightful post.
I didn't get to sleep, the family from Chicago came over and we've been really busy today. People have been very kind... bringing over food and helping us clean. I however refuse to have any of Mom's stuff moved anywhere. If it's in a clutter, clean and pile it up nice, but I don't want it moved from room to room and especially nothing leaving the house. I need to touch everything before I can let anything leave. I had a bit of a breakdown today... thank god I was alone. While she has been working and all that, I've been helping to take care of her these past few years. She was very overwieght, had blood clots, diabetes, and had torn away the ACL ligament in her knee. Surgery fixed that but as a result had no cartalige in her knee. So I would be her legs, running up and down the house to do stuff and shop and do housework. Never enough of course since I'm a lazy SOB, but I did try and was learning. So being around her so much and being involved with so much of her day to day things...well.. just makes me feel more connected or somthing. Especially now that it seems like the whole house and everything in is a shrine to her. I just want to wrap all her belongings around me. I was going through her jewlery with my Aunt Jenny... her jewlery was so important to her... some people drink or smoke, she bought baubles and jewlry. SO many pieces of costume jewlry and other real expensive stuff. Even though it feels like a sin to be digging around her stuff I picked out a couple pieces that I want. And I just want her to tell me what to do. What do you want Mom????????? Please please please please tell me.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
What your mom wants, Telp, is for you to attain peace. So do what you need to do to get there. If that means keeping things intact for a while, leave them intact.
Who is there to help you with all the big decisions? Do you have siblings?
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
Do you want milk? Do you want me to shop? Do you want me to rub your feet? Do you want me to run down and do the laundry? Do you want to talk about politics? Do you want to lecture me on what I need to do for myself and success? Do you want to get me to be religious again? Do you want a tissue? Do you want to show me a song? Do you want to watch a movie? Are you grumpy and want to yell? Please yell at me. Please tell me what you want me to do.
Who am I supposed to talk to and ask the important questions?
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
Yes... I have a younger brother, Matthew. And my family from Chicago is up. Not here currently, at the hotel, but my friend Neal is here sleeping.
My Aunt Jenny is a lawyer in Chicago so she is helping with the paperwork.
The ironic thing is that Dad, even after the divorce, might still be the exectutor of the will. She was in the process of cutting him out and putting Matt and I as the benefitiaries(sp?), but I don't think she finished. In any case, Dad is Dad and we are his blood and I don't expect him to any less than giving everything to us. And I think Aunt Jenny is the executor after Dad anyway.
We are supposed to talk to the lawyer in 7 hours... Can't sleep.
Oh, and the funeral director is really really cool. They are doing so much. Well.. for $11,000 I would hope so. But from what my family tells me they really are very caring.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
I am glad that you have someone to help you IRL...at least as much as anything helps at this point.
I really like the idea of writing everything down in a journal while you remember it fresh, but that might be better as a project once you begin to heal a bit, in a few months. It will still hurt, of course, but the wounds won't be as fresh either.
Posted by skillery (Member # 6209) on :
quote:I just want her to tell me what to do.
The old neighbor man died two weeks ago. My wife and I are close to his daughter and her husband. The old man had a special request, and he paid me a visit the day after he died. It took me by surprise. I didn't have anything else on my mind at the time, and his message came through crystal clear.
You're probably too busy with too many thoughts right now for your mom to get through. Get some sleep, lay off the booze, caffeine, and cigs; fast and pray, and she'll get through if she has any hugs or messages for you.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Don't fast. Not a good idea right now.
((((Telp))))
Do let us know if there is *anything* we can do.
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
I'm so sorry, Telp. I wish I had some original words of condolence that would magically heal your grief, but I know that's not possible.
(((Telp)))
Posted by Stray (Member # 4056) on :
I'm so sorry for your loss, Telp. *big hugs*
Posted by unicornwhisperer (Member # 294) on :
((Telp))
I recently read a journal entry I made just a short time (3 yrs) ago and I had completely forgotten about it. It is important to write in your journal, especially about people who are precious to you.
Posted by IanO (Member # 186) on :
I'm so sorry, Telperion. Truly I am. I hope that you will be ok.
You're a good guy.
Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
(((Telp)))
Have a good meal, and take some time for rest and reflection. We love ya, pal.
Posted by johnsonweed (Member # 8114) on :
I'm sorry Telp. Hang in there.
Posted by CT (Member # 8342) on :
quote:Originally posted by Telperion the Silver: Are you grumpy and want to yell? Please yell at me. Please tell me what you want me to do.
Who am I supposed to talk to and ask the important questions?
Oh, sweet baby. Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
I'm sorry, Telp. My mother is the same age... it's a sobering thought.
I'm not sure what to say, really, since we don't know each other. But know that I feel for you and I'll pray for you in this difficult time.
-Katarain
Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
(((((Telp)))))
I'm so sorry.
I tend to stay away from threads I don't feel up to reading, and I have a very hard time with death, but you have been in my thoughts since I saw the topic, even though I hadn't read it yet.
(((((Telp)))))
Posted by Olivetta (Member # 6456) on :
Telp...
I'm sorry for your loss. It's creeping up on a year since my mother died, and I know how hard it is. I don't think we're evere really 'ready' to be without our mommies.
The greatest help to me was ebing able to talk to people who understood, Like CT and Katie, when things got hard. One of my friends would say, "I've got to go take my mom shopping for ____." And I 'd be a wreck, because all I could think of was that I'd never get to take my mom shopping for anything ever again. But you can't be this guilt machine on your friends who still have their moms...
So, rail all you want to at us, It will help. Let yourself feel it. It won't be fun, but it will get easier. It's not so much that things get back to 'normal' but that you sort of find a new normal.
*hug*
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
You're in my thoughts, Telp. This is a hard thing to work through. Posted by Gryphonesse (Member # 6651) on :
Hey kiddo -
sounds like you have had a really rough ride. I won't offer advice, since I don't come here often enough, but I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I hope your mom manages to get a message through to you in the next few weeks.
hugs Sorcha
Posted by Space Opera (Member # 6504) on :
Oh, Telpy. My heart just aches for you. I am so sorry for your loss, and I wish you ease and peace. Please remember that we are all here for you, and all care for you very much. Keep talking.
space opera
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
Hi guys.
Doing much better today. Went to the church to meet with the Priest and the music director to set up the funeral mass. I'll be singing a couple songs with my little choir.
More later.... Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
I am sure she would love that..
Posted by mothertree (Member # 4999) on :
Hey Karl, I've never had any visits from the beyond just saying is all, and a lot of people implied I should. I may yet, but to be frank it would kind of freak me out. I know you meant well, skillery, it's just kind of a hot button for me.
P.S. My understanding of the church position is that when you have events like that, they are a special thing to be kept for your own faith and not given for signs. Sorry, my problem I know.
P.P.S. I thought it would help to remind folks that I had a for real psychotic break after my son died, and maybe that's why I have such a lobster in my craw about it. I had some sound hallucinations and serious delusions, but no visual hallucinations that I was aware of.
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
I think I might be having something similar mothertree. I've been thinking I've placed something somewhere or seen something and discovered it was never there. And I thought I heard breathing in my mom's room. Weird. I've been really spacy too.
Posted by mothertree (Member # 4999) on :
I thought everything sounded like a baby. Door hinges squeaking. Silverware clattering. I felt like my brain was shrinking at one point. But just sleep deprivation can do that to you.
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
Ya, I've not been sleeping well or much.
Posted by skillery (Member # 6209) on :
At my uncle Wayne's funeral one of his little granddaughters wanted to know why everybody was sad about grandpa dying when he was "standing right over there."
Uncle Wayne later visited my mom when she was having a rough time. Mom's dog died while dad was away on business, and mom was left alone to bury the dog. She said she felt the presence of uncle Wayne standing by her as she layed the dog in the hole she had dug, and she received great comfort in not having to do it alone. Mom said uncle Wayne was a great dog lover and must have known how she felt.
Posted by mothertree (Member # 4999) on :
My mom talks a lot about various encounters with the departed. It just hasn't been my experience, though I still have faith in seeing them again. And maybe I interpret all spiritual feelings as coming from God rather than particular people.
Posted by Jenny Gardener (Member # 903) on :
Oh, Telp, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I never know what to say when a friend is suffering like this, but I offer my thoughts and prayers. If I were with you, I'd sit by your side as long as you needed.
Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
quote: And I just want her to tell me what to do. What do you want Mom????????? Please please please please tell me.
Hey, I totally grok that. Find some quiet and stillness and listen for what your mom wants, and whether it's actually a message from her or your subconcious telling you what she would have said, it doesn't matter if it brings you clarity and comfort.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
My condolences. I wish you strength at this very difficult time. May your friends and family offer you comfort.
Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
Telperion, I am so very sorry for your loss. You'll be in my prayers.
Posted by Little_Doctor (Member # 6635) on :
You have my thoughts Telp.
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
Today has to be the worst day of my life. I can't even think of the words to say. This has to be a bad dream. Saw momma yesterday for the first time. Was freaking frantic getting ready. Couldn't even walk in the room with her in it. Finally worked up the nerve. Couldn't acknowledge anything or anybody. My brother kicked everyone out for about 10 minutes so I could be alone and talk to her.
She and I were alone when she died and I needed to be alone with her again. Needed to sob and hold her and tell her some things. I could NOT do what needed to be done though with everyone watching me. Had to be done. I felt better for it. That helped me deal with people. Hugs actually ment something. Grandma and some others were annoyed that I did that... something about "we're grieving too". I did not exclude them.. I just needed 5 minutes alone with my Mom.
Didn't sleep much again. Threw up around 4am and couldn't get back to sleep. Went off to see the lawyer about the will and trust and all that. Was so tired. And today was the 8 hour visit at the funeral home. The last one. Got there 3 hours late because were are still working out the bugs for the mass. We get one thing done and ten more pop up.
WHen this all started and I found her, even though I was devestated I was still getting things done. I didn' tknow I'd loose so much sleep and be so upset. I'm totally useless now in the preperation for the final things. People are getting tense and upset that I'm not doing enough.
I feel sick. my chest is tight and panicy. I listened to the song "Blue" from the end of Cowboy Beebop on the drive to the resturant from the funeral home. Sobbed so hard I almost crashed.
I set up my choir to sing with them and now I don't feel like I can do it. We'll see. It must be done. Might not make it through it.
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
I need to try and write something to be read tomorrow. Or, I want to write something. I have no clue.
Posted by whiskysunrise (Member # 6819) on :
You do what you need to do. ((hugs))
Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
I think that you already did the most important thing - talking to your mother. Try to remember that there's no wrong way to grieve - anything you do will be the right thing.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
Here is what I wrote for mom's eulogy. I have no idea how these things are done, but I have a feeling that it shouldn't be read. Here it is for you anyway.
***
Words, and my poor command of them, can hardly describe my feelings or give proper tribute to my mother. There is a hole. There is something wrong. It is a bad dream. My momma is not dead. This is not the order of the Universe. Her death is felt by all...but for this all I can do is bear my soul and feelings in testament to her. Mom was a daily part of my life these past few years. I saw her in her bad and happy moods. I ran around the house when she was so tired and hurting from her knees, trying to pull my share and do the things she struggled with. I combed her hair. I massaged her feet. We would lie together in her bed watching a movie as I tried to get her to scratch my head. Yes... I must be a cat. We both annoyed each other and at the same time loved each others’ company. She was my confidant for many things. She was the source of culture, history, knowledge and morality. Many times I would call her up to ask the meaning of a word or it’s spelling (it’s good to be the son of an English Major), observe the news and debate politics, watch movies and our favorite TV shows together. As I go about the horrible duties that need to be done I keep wanting to ask her what she wants done. What do you want mom? How do you want me to do it? She always liked to tell me what to do. And while it more often then not annoyed me I now want it more than anything. But my path in life has never been the straight and narrow and Mom’s driving force was to see Matt and I set up for life...ready for the world. I have always felt failure nipping at my heals. And while compared to some I have failed, Mom always urged me on...ever onward through my depression and my laziness and my distraction. I know it gave her great pain. My biggest regret was not being everything for her and attaining what I should have been. My burden gives me pain. My heart is broken. I miss her voice. I miss her touch and beautiful face. I miss her mind. That mind that shined like the light of the Ancient West. A mind that loved the whole world. She was my mother. The history of my personal Universe began with her and my father. There is so much work left undone. There is now new work. Her children will take it up. She is not completely gone. Her voice will drive us on. All she wanted was our happiness. We will try to attain that with the tools she gave us. We will honor her forever.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
I think that's lovely Telp.
I am very proud of your words. I think those at the service will find comfort and truth in them.
I wrote one for my grandfather and cried the entire time I was writing it. It's pretty hard, but in my case it felt good to write it out. (((Telp))))
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
It's a beautiful eulogy Telp. I gave wrote and delivered one for my Mother in Law's funeral last february. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do. I also wrote it out word for word because I knew I would be too emotional to speak extemporaneously.
Hang in there. As time passes, the pain of loosing her will fade and you will be able to remember her with joy rather than sorrow.
Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
I cried at that... thank you for sharing it with us.
Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
I can't believe that after not being in Hatrack for the longest time, I find myself with such horribly sad news. I hope my mother lives to be a very old but happy woman, {{{{Telperion}}}}}. What do you think I could help you with? Do you need anything? Email me if you do.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Telp your writing literally ran chills up my spine. It's good. It's raw emotion. But that's what funerals are for.
AJ
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
I empathize with you very strongly; I lost my father about six weeks ago. Make sure you do the things you want and need -- if there was ever a time to be self-indulgent, it's now. Try to be with people you like.
---------------
If you're near Detroit, then you're only about an hour away from me (depending on border wait times, of course). If you find you need to get away, you're welcome at my place. Once I have a car (next month, I expect), I can even come and get you.
I don't imagine visiting strange foreigners is exactly what you're looking for right now, but I wanted you to know that the offer is on the table should you need it. My email is in my profile.
Posted by whiskysunrise (Member # 6819) on :
That was great. It sounds wonderful.
Posted by whiskysunrise (Member # 6819) on :
That was great. It sounds wonderful.
Posted by Tatiana (Member # 6776) on :
<<<Telpy>>>
Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
Thanks again everyone. Means alot.
My brother Matt ended up finding it and reading it at the funeral mass. I'm glad he did.
The past few days have been tearing things out of me...and the funeral, while horrible, seemed to put at least a little back in. Sang for her and the funeral. Went really well. Lost it when they brought her in with the bagpipes. But I had my choir people around me and saw my family in the front row.
Took her to Holy Sepulchre cemetery on 10 Mile and Beech-Daily. We watched her be put in the ground with our oldest brother who died as an baby. Together at last. Went out to a Irish pub/resturant afterward and then back to the house.
The family was leaving today, so they wanted to help us clean out some of her stuff, or at least get it more organized before they left. That was weird and hard to be going through her stuff. And my Aunt Jenny is now Trustee and Executor so she had to take Mom's computer with her to Chicago. So we turned it off at last. It's been on since she died since we didn't have the password and Mom has SO much important stuff on there. But they are going to hack it back in Chicago.
But that was really tough to see it turned off at last. Needed to leave the house.
Dad bought us this one that I'm typing on. Not very good, but it works so we can have email and whatnot. It'll be like 6 months before we get the old one back. No more big games for me. It's an e-machine by IBM. Don't know much about them.
*sigh* was out and about today with Dad and Matt... picking up the flowers that we wanted to keep and telling them where to donate the rest. Mom LOVED flowers. Alot. And she would be happy that there we so many and that music followed her around everywhere this past week. And as one of my family said, I never left her side...was with her when she died to when she was put in the ground.
Anyway, on the way to drop off a letter that Mom had written but not mailed yet we stopped at the Wyandotte Street Fair. HOT outside. But was fun. Finised our mission and now we're back.
What to do now? Clean I guess.. not in the mood. Maybe I'll take a shower and see a movie or something.
Matt and I are planning to take a road trip this next week, if our works are nice. We'll hit the major family cities: Chicago, Cinncinati, and New York.
Well... I'm off to see what Dad and Matt are doing outside. Take care.
![[Cry]](graemlins/cry.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Hug for a minute then run downstairs.![[Frown]](frown.gif)
![[Group Hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)