I have mentioned that I've been working this summer - technical writing for my husband's best friend's consulting firm. There's a history there that you may need to know to get at my problem. I'll try to make it short.
Our history with the president of this company goes back to when he and Ron were in High School. "B" was super popular and Ron was his "smart" buddy. B was wilder than Ron - Ron was the only friend his mother would let him get in a car with. He was a bit irresponsible and a bit of a player.
When I met him, I think he didn't like me much. They took me to a club, and the guy at the door asked me how old I was, and I told him. I was only 20, but both of the guys were younger than me by a little. It never occurred to me to lie (I was Hermione, remember).
A couple of times in the last 15 years, we loaned him money when he was desperate. The first time, not much. The second... more than we could afford. He tried to pay it back, then, but is basically overpaying me now to make amends, I think.
I'm in a lull in the work he had for me. I totalled maybe 15 hours in the last two weeks. THAT is great, because I wanted to spend lots of time with the boys before they have to go back to school. Most of the work has been stuff I can do at home, anyway.
But there's a new project, that is really soprt of an expansion of scope on an old project, that would require me to drive down to Fulton Industrial almost every day. I would be going to a Utility Services office with some other consultants, and helping to train a new administrative assistant. My boss has stated that he plans to use me as a sort of social lubricant, because there will be resistance to our presence, and the people there like me.
Mostly because I'm cute, but also because I'm good at putting people at ease and I don't act superior or whatever. Did I mention that I'm really different in person from the way I am on line, sometimes?
He talked about it with Ron, too. Because my boss and Ron talk about EVERYTHING - they are very close. Because they talk about everything, Ron knows that B's marriage is profoundly unhappy, and has been since before they made it official.
So, when we met up to pass off some information and for him to talk to me a bit about the new assignment (and see if I would be willing to do it) we sat down and had some tea. After I said that Ron had mentioned sometthing about it, my boss said, "Ron and I talk about everything. Well, everything except how cute I think you are." Here he laughed and the conversation moved on.
You guys know, or should know by now, how careful I am about guarding my marriage and my heart. Even, maybe, to the point of complete paranoia. That said, I believe myself to be immune to his charms, should he be silly enough to risk a 20 year friendship with Ron by trying to start something.
Which is a big IF. Ron and I have talked about it. He trusts me, and he trusts B. But we both know that B is really vulnerable right now, because of stuff at home. I think he knows that Ron and I are happy, and wishes that he was, too, which may make me attractive as a kind of placeholder for the 'faithful wife' archetype.
We talked about it. We slept on it. And Ron finally said he wanted me to do the job. It will be a challenge, and Ron has enjoyed me having interesting things to talk about with him over dinner. It shouldn't start until they boys are in school, and one of my stipulations about doing this is that I must be back before the boys get off the bus. I will be able to put them on the buss every morning except Monday, which is the day we'd have to be at the client site at 7:00am for a group meeting.
Ron trusts me, and Ron trusts B. I trust me around B (not like that writer for the martial arts book. I didn't quite trust myself around him. He had a face like a monkey, but a really endearing Brittish accent, so I avoided him and did all my exchnages through email). I know B wouldn't do anything untoward, and I intend to change the subject if he starts trying to talk to me about personal stuff - he can tell it to Ron. I think if I avoid talking about the personal stuff, it should be fine. Plus, I don't even know if he will be on site at the client when I am supposed to be there.
And the money will help us pay off some debts from bad investments really quickly. The assignment should last 90 days, with an average of 30 hours a week. I DID stipulate that my family comes first, so if one of them needs me before school is out, I go.
Am I being paranoid? Do you think it will be okay if I take on the project?
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
I think it will be okay, but if YOU don't, I think you should really give yourself some time to think about not doing it. (((hugs))) I'm sure you'll make the right decision.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I think it will be fine. You'll probably have to slap him down a few times, but that's not hard. Everything else about it sounds like it will be good for you.
Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :
I think you should do whatever you feel deep down in your gut you should do. Listen to the part of you that doesn't listen to anyone else.
If it was me, I think it wouldn't hurt to take on the assignment. I could always quit if something happened to make me feel uncomfortable. That said, I am not you.
((Olivette))You do what you feel is right. I have total trust in you to do what is best for you and for your family. Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
It will be fine because you've already talked about it with Ron. See, I think that when you take away the veil of secrecy you really reduce the ability of the sin (I'm using sin because I don't know how else to put it, substitute whatever word you like) to overpower you.
I used to work with a guy that I really liked. We had fun talking together, we enjoyed each other's company, we had lots in common and always something to talk about. I told my husband one day "I really like J. I enjoy talking to him. I don't feel myself to be sexually attracted to him, and he's never done or said anything inappropriate but I feel like I might be getting emotionally close to him and that could put our relationship in jeopardy, so I wanted to talk to you about it."
From that day forward, I never felt uncoomfortable again. I felt like I could be J's friend while at work, and still be a devoted wife to my husband because I had put my relationship with my husband first, been honest about it, and not tried to hide anything.
You are going to be fine, because you guard your heart and you are devoted to your hubby and to your marriage. If he says or does anything that even hints at impropriety, then you just tell him straight up "I'm Ron's wife and he and I take our vows seriously."
Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
You have the maturity and sense to handle this situation and it sounds like you and Ron have your eyes wide open about this whole thing. Your compassion for B is admirable and also seems to be properly subordinate to your concerns for your family.
I think you'll do fine.
Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
Olivetta, I, too, think you would be safe in keeping this job, just by keeping up that open communication with your husband.
I was really interested to read your post, because I don't know many people who are that actively conscious of guarding their marriage and heart. I feel the same way, and I know we're not the only ones, but I could really relate to the "point of paranoia" part especially. I used to be much worse about it when I was getting used to what it meant to be married--being married, but still being a separate person and what was and wasn't appropriate. I still present myself mostly as part of a unit rather than an individual in many public instances. But I still am a unique individual, too. I dunno.. it's hard to explain when I haven't exactly worked it out for myself.
So anyway.. it was interesting to read...
-Katarain
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
I can say nothing that Belle hasn't already said better than I could. Your Hatrack friends give good advice.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
Hmm. Take the job, there is money to consider and set the lines and boundaries. Plus, he must act professional if he wants you to work for him I suppose..
Posted by Olivetta (Member # 6456) on :
Thanks, guys. You're right. Talking about it makes it better, and I really don't think B is the type to do that sort of thing, anyway. He did say that the only problem he forsaw with having me in on he project is that I'm nice enough that some people might get the wrong idea - for a lot of men friendly+cute='has the hots for me'.
But I think it will be okay. I told him if it wasn't working out for me I wouldn't leave the job until I could get someone else up to speed, so I think I'm set.
Posted by whiskysunrise (Member # 6819) on :
Good luck. It sounds like you have it well in hand. Just talk to your husband about any concerns. Keep him up to date on what's going on.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
I think you'll be fine.
Tony and I made a promise to each other that when/if we find some-one else attractive (in a physical, emotional or other way) we tell each other as soon as we realise this.
I completely agree with Belle - by being honest with your spouse you are also honest with yourself. It's like an extra check and balance in there. The potential for anything happening decreases.
It's when attractions outside the marriage (however mild) are kept secret I think they become very, very dangerous.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Wise advice from others. Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
apropo of nothing:
When I have to remember something at the store, I tell my husband "Remind me to get the ____". Just the act of telling him to remind me to get the whatever-it-was keeps it in my head. I suspect that telling him about potential scary bits in relationships with other men would serve the same purpose.
I am always impressed with you and Ron's relationship (as you have discussed it on the forum anyway). It makes me think about my own marriage and how to improve it. I wanted to thank you for that.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
Belle, that was an excellent post. I am the same way, I tell my wife almost everything. I say almost because there are some things that a person should keep to themselves, because they are the little things..like surprises for the other, or fun little secrets you can play around about.
But when it comes to attractions to other people, or someone hitting on me, I tell my wife right away. I don't run to her all excited, or anything like that, but I make a point of bringing it up.
MY friends think I am crazy, and asking for trouble, but I tell them that the only reason (or almost the only reason) I would NOT tell her was if I meant to cheat on her. [Big Grin]
NOT gonna happen, thankyouverymuch. [Big Grin]
I find that JenniK understands, and she does the same. I think that the secrecy is what really hurts relationships, more than the attraction. I will always appreciate a pretty woman, but just because I notice that she is pretty doesn't mean I would sleep with her, even if given the chance. The fact that I tell Jenni everything about this stuff makes her even more confident that I love her and will remain faithful.
I would take the job, and not be paranoid about it, but don't take any crap from him either. Be a friend, but not THAT type of friend...and make sure he knows it. As of right now you know it, Ron knows it, and all of Hatrack knows it [Big Grin] ....make sure it is clear, although try to do it subtly if possible. [Wink]
Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
I second mac.
Posted by Tammy (Member # 4119) on :
THIS is why I love Hatrack! Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
quote:for a lot of men friendly+cute='has the hots for me'
You mean this isn't true?!?
Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
no Twink, it's friendly + cute = "I have the hots for *her*"
*everyone* has the hots for us...
get it straight Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote:get it straight
I thought it was pretty clear that wasn't the problem. Although . . . "everyone"?
Posted by twinky (Member # 693) on :
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You'll probably have to slap him down a few times, but that's not hard. Everything else about it sounds like it will be good for you.
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