I've been spending a lot of time over in the ID/Evolution threads lately and have been thinking a lot about God and belief. So I wondered: If everybody stopped believing in God, would that kind of make him unemployed? From there I kind of stumbled upon the idea of a "God for hire" which led me to these questions:
What if God was one of us and unemployed? What kind of job might God apply for?
So I started thinking about jobs that God might have if he decided to be a mortal like us. I realize that this is kind of blasphemous, and honestly I'm a bit offended myself, but I figure that God must have a sense of humor. So anyway, I thought it would be entertaining to think of some possible careers for an unemployed God.
I figure a creative bunch like you guys could come up with some pretty amusing ideas. Anyway, I'll get it started and hopefully anyone that isn't offended will add some even better ideas.
God the weatherman - "accurate weather 99.9% of the time" God the newspaper carrier - "local news brought to you before it happens" God the bookie - "get your Super Bowl picks here" God the caddie - "5 iron over the second tree. trust me" God the puppeteer - "free will at its best" God the magician - "Siegfried, Roy, and God" God the army recruiter - "I Want You" is a lot more powerful when it's God pointing the finger at you God the pizza delivery man - "pizza delivered anywhere in the universe in under 30 minutes"
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
God the Gardener--Eden was just my warm-up. God the Doctor--Why settle for someone only playing God.
Posted by The Pixiest (Member # 1863) on :
God the Inventor - Great new stuff from the guy who brought us Mosquitos and Cancer! God, Dentist and Archetect - From Pearly Whites to Pearly Gates God the Contract Lawyer - Free Will (with purchase of other legal documents)
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
God the Mortician-- Trust me, I know what's in fashion right now.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
God the Stockbroker: SELL SELL SELL SELL SELL!
Posted by ? (Member # 2319) on :
quote: God the weatherman - "accurate weather 99.9% of the time"
I'm pretty sure if that ever happened He'd be right 100% of the time.
History Teacher- not just speculation anymore. Science Teacher- why hear theories when you can really know how it all happens.
?
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
God the Parent: Tough love, baby - you think I was joking about sparing the rod?
*heads off to bed giggling*
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
God the temp -- doing your job, better, for less money.
God the game show host -- "I'm sorry, you must answer in the form of a prayer."
God the shoe repairman -- "I made all Creation in six days, I'll have your shoes ready next Tuesday."
God the landscaper -- All you get is straight and narrow paths.
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
Carpenter - 2000 years of experience, crosses a specialty!
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
God the insurance salesman -- "Trust me dude, you need this."
Posted by camus (Member # 8052) on :
Posted by camus (Member # 8052) on :
God the mortician - "See ya tomorrow, um... I mean, have a nice day"
Posted by lem (Member # 6914) on :
quote:What if God was one of us?
It took my two years to get that *&%^@# song out of my head. Thanks alot! Posted by kojabu (Member # 8042) on :
That's the only line of the song that I actually know.
Posted by Tstorm (Member # 1871) on :
"What if god smoked cannibus?"
I like Weird Al.
I'm honestly not a big fan of either song, but this thread made me think of that.
Posted by LadyDove (Member # 3000) on :
God the Judge: Sentences go from Life to After-Life
Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
God the Revrend? Must be interesting...
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
"What if God was one of us?"
He was.
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
Come on, Dags! Play!
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
God the Comedian--You didn't think I was serious about the duckbilled platypus, did you?
Posted by camus (Member # 8052) on :
God the science teacher - "I really do exist, I just can't talk about it"
Posted by Verily the Younger (Member # 6705) on :
quote:"What if god smoked cannibus?"
I like Weird Al.
I like Weird Al, too, but he had absolutely nothing to do with that song. I mean, come on. "Weird Al" Yankovic write a song about illicit drug use?
A long of parodies are floating around the Internet attributed to him--some of them very dirty, and some sung by women. You'd think he owned the exclusive rights to the concept of parody. Anyway, if you encounter a parody on the Internet that has his name on it, always check hiswebsite for confirmation, especially if the person singing it doesn't even sound remotely like him. . . .
Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
Verily beat me to the correction on that one. (It's a pet peeve of mine.) But back on topic, if God was an accordian player, He'd be Weird Al.
--Enigmatic
Posted by Tstorm (Member # 1871) on :
Hmmm. I had always heard it attributed to him. I don't have a copy of the song to listen to, and I guess I'm too lazy to google it. Sorry.
quote:"Weird Al" Yankovic write a song about illicit drug use?
A song written about illicit drug use? By a modern artist? The scandal!
Posted by The Pixiest (Member # 1863) on :
Weird Al wouldn't do that. Most of his music is about TV or food. It's stuff you can let your 7 yr old listen to safely.
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
God the Professor - Hey, this one really would know everything! God the Librarian - "Now, don't lie to me, I know that you haven't returned your books yet." God the Water Sanitation Supervisor - "You thought that water into wine was a neat trick; wait til you see what I do with sewage!"
Posted by BunnV (Member # 6816) on :
God the Lifegaurd - Running toward drowning victims is faster that swimming toward them.
God the Lifegaurd - "Hah! Do I know CPR?"
Posted by camus (Member # 8052) on :
Thanks! Now every time I think about God I'm going to visualize David Hasselhoff Posted by SC Carver (Member # 8173) on :
God the restaurant owner: 7 loaves and 2 fish for everyone.
God the demolitionist: your choice, earthquake, tornado, or flood.
God the quarterback: Hail Mary every time
God the philosopher/writer: Do I exist? If so why I can’t just let everyone know?
Posted by CStroman (Member # 6872) on :
God the Lifeguard - "Have faith and just stand up."
Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
quote:Originally posted by camus: Thanks! Now every time I think about God I'm going to visualize David Hasselhoff
You mean you didn't before? Um, me neither.
--Enigmatic
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
God the Jewish Mother--I told you gentiles, but did you listen? Oy Vei. And do you write? 10 billion children, and not one call on mother's day? You want a plague young man, I'll show you a plague.
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
God the game show host - I'm afraid it was the Mormons. Yes, the Mormons were the correct answer.
Posted by BunnV (Member # 6816) on :
God the Nanny - "Well, I warned you that if you kept making silly faces it would get stuck that way."
Posted by Tinros (Member # 8328) on :
If God were one of us, he'd kick our butts at everything. He might be human, but He's still God. Tallest in the NBA, biggest in football, best at everything. Geez, that would stink.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
God the Stewardess--In case of an emergency, survivors will find exits there, there, and there. The remainder will follow me.
Posted by Verily the Younger (Member # 6705) on :
quote:A song written about illicit drug use? By a modern artist? The scandal!
I understand that you were just itching to use that barbed sarcasm on me, but it's evident you don't know much about "Weird Al" Yankovic.
I'll grant you that the trend for the past several decades has been to get raunchier and more rebellious, so you can hardly find music anymore that doesn't glorify drug use, promiscuous sex, and casual violence. So I would not be the least bit surprised to see a new artist come out that sang about these things. But you see, just because "everyone else" is doing it doesn't mean Weird Al likes to go that route. His music is always family friendly, though he has had a couple of songs over the years for which that would depend on the family. Your mileage may vary, but one thing he's not going to do is write a song glorifying drug use. That's just not his style.
Posted by camus (Member # 8052) on :
God the game show contestant - "For the fiftieth time, yes, that's my final answer"
Posted by ShadowPuppet (Member # 8239) on :
God hosting "who wants to be a millionaire"
*intense music plays as contestant steps up to the chair*
God: "here's your check for a thousand dollars"
Contestant: "but...I...uh"
God: "and by the way it's donatello and he's the purple one"
Posted by Rico (Member # 7533) on :
God the bounty hunter - DOG and GOD... one and the same? Find out tomorrow on A&E!
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
God the Father==I brought you into this world, and I sure as me can take you out of it.
Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
WERE WERE WERE WERE WERE WERE WERE WERE WERE WERE WERE WERE!!!!!!!
Okay, I feel better now.
Carry on.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
God the football coach - "Let's go for a Hail Mary!"
God the Zookeeper - "You should have seen the ones that DIDN'T make it onto the ark."
God on the Witness Stand - "Swearing on the Bible is really more of a formality don't you think?"
God the Landscape Artist - "Finally! A chance to fix all the things that have been bothering me all this time!"
Posted by Beren One Hand (Member # 3403) on :
"The remainder will follow me."
Posted by T_Smith (Member # 3734) on :
God The Comedian- "Hello, my name is Mitch Hedburg"
Posted by Tstorm (Member # 1871) on :
quote:I understand that you were just itching to use that barbed sarcasm on me, but it's evident you don't know much about "Weird Al" Yankovic.
Heh. Well, I do know a little bit about him. He doesn't own the patent on parody. He's been making songs since, gosh, before my time. I can name a dozen of his songs I like. I seem to recall a factoid about how he burns an accordion on stage after each show. Correct me if I'm wrong on any of this. The fact he didn't write this song, I did not know.
I'm not much for sharing information about myself on Hatrack. I'll tell you I like a wide variety of music, but I will also tell you I know only a miniscule amount about the artists or bands. It's a contradiction, I'm sure, in the era of VH1 and MTV. It seems so many people around me will vacantly sit and watch music news blurbs and tv shows dedicated to gossip and trivia about celebrities and famous people.
Me, I turn the TV off after the news.
I'm not interested in the celebrities, the artists, or their lives. I couldn't give a rats dribble about Hollywood. Impact on my life because of my lack of interest in this stuff? The biggest drawback so far has been my astounding loss in trivia contests.
I'm glad Weird Al Yankovic is family friendly, though.
And in the spirit of the thread:
God the retail salesman: "You need to buy the extended warranty on this...trust me." Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
Well, he isn't ALWAYS family friendly.
If I had kids, I wouldn't let them listen to most of "Bad Hair Day"
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
God the cop: Judge, Jury, Executioner, Redeemer.
I can picture the cliche scene where the captain confronts the loose cannon cop and gets his badge and gun.
Captain: You're out of control, Lt. Jehovah, I want Your badge now!
Jehovah slams down sun-bright flaming badge, desk starts to smolder and smoke.
Captain begins sweating and trembling. On second thought, You keep it. But You better toe the line, or, uh, else! *weakly* Dismissed.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
God the HR Professional "Bow down before me!"
(Okay, that's all HR professionals)
Posted by punwit (Member # 6388) on :
God the Exorcist-- removing the middleman improves efficiency.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
punwit God the priest: Father Father
Posted by Jonathan Howard (Member # 6934) on :
I agree with Icarus, by the way.
Posted by Verily the Younger (Member # 6705) on :
quote:Well, he isn't ALWAYS family friendly.
If I had kids, I wouldn't let them listen to most of "Bad Hair Day"
Like I said, with some of his songs, it depends on the family. If I had a ten-year-old, say, I probably wouldn't feel comfortable letting them listen to "Wanna B Ur Lovr" from the Poodle Hat album. The innuendo in that is a little too in-your-face. But it's not hard to imagine a family that wouldn't object to it. It's not like he has any material that would ever be banned from a general family-friendly radio station due to content.
[ August 18, 2005, 09:40 PM: Message edited by: Verily the Younger ]
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Anyway, if you encounter a parody on the Internet that has his name on it, always check his website for confirmation, especially if the person singing it doesn't even sound remotely like him. . . .
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"The remainder will follow me."
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