My cousin is getting married in October. He's invited me "& guest" (using my maiden name and parents' address, not that it's relevant). There is no way in the hot place that I would bring the pseudo-husband along, not that I think he'd be interested in spending a day with my family even if things were good between us. Instead, I'd like to bring my (um?) good friend Will who lives out of state.
I guess my biggest concern is that nobody in the family (except for my sister and my children) has met him to date, so I'm not sure how introducing a potential future partner to everyone at my cousin's wedding would fly. My immediate family and my mom's siblings and their respective children (including the cousin getting married) all know that I am still married but living separately and working toward termination.
Am I completely overstepping boundaries here that I don't know exist? Am I overthinking this and totally within acceptable behavior? Or soemthing in between? Advice please!
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
You know your family better than I. In my family, it would be acceptable; no one would take so much notice of a change of partner that it would detract from an occasion. In some, it wouldn't be acceptable, for a host of different reasons. Just remember not to steal your cousin's thunder; it's his day, so if your having a potential "other" is going to be a Big Thing, not the best idea to bring him. (You know, you can always bring a girlfriend along, or just go alone.)
Posted by Theaca (Member # 8325) on :
Mrs M would know, but she isn't here right now...
I just don't know. If a woman in my family showed up with a guy and with her kids and most people at the wedding still thought this woman was married, there would be a lot of talk. It would be one of the more interesting topics of the wedding guest stories, along with all the other guest surprises (there are always surprises) and there would be passing of gossip. Not necessarily malicious. But what else are a group of people who see each other every few years gonna do? Get up to date on the family situations.
My family is so spread out that there would also be a lot of people there who scarcely recognize a cousin, and would just assume that this is the hubby, the same hubby as always.
I suppose it depends on how far along you are in the divorce proces, and how ready you are to come out with this person and how ready you and your family are to answer questions.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
I would say that the fact you received an invitation with "& guest" instead of one addressed to you and your husband suggests that your cousin is fine with you being escorted by someone other than your spouse-of-record.
Whether you are ready to make the situation public is up to you.
Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
That was one thought I had about the "& guest". I actually thought the more likely situation was that Zac wasn't privy to extended family addresses (and in my case married name) because my sibs' invitations also went to Mom's house.
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
I wouldn't. Don't know the etiquette, but generally I try to stay out of any part of the bridal couple's limelight, and bringing a new potential partner when you're in the midst of a divorce would, in some families, generate a certain amount of talk.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
quote: I actually thought the more likely situation was that Zac wasn't privy to extended family addresses (and in my case married name) because my sibs' invitations also went to Mom's house.
Ah. In that case, maybe not.
Posted by dean (Member # 167) on :
Why not phone up your cousin and tell him something of the situation and ask if he minds? If he says, "Well, that may be a little weird," then don't. If he says, "Oh, of course your friend is welcome," then go for it.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
"Whether you are ready to make the situation public is up to you."
I agree with Dana here. It is not a breach of any etiquette, it is just between you and your family, and you know them best.(and yourself best) If you think it will make a stir, and attract too much attention to you, and you are uncomfortable with that, then don't bring him.
Posted by Sopwith (Member # 4640) on :
Wow, I can finally put my work training to use here... (just got my wedding coordinator's certification).
Basically, it really doesn't matter who you bring, because you're a guest and this isn't your big day. The focus of the event will be on the bride and the groom.
The only breach of manners would be if you made a big presentation of it and attempted to use the event as a stage to announce a new boyfriend.
Play it low key and everything should be jake. Also, as was pointed out before, the addressing of your invitation pretty much says it all with "you and a guest." They aren't expecting the ex and may be trying to politely suggest bringing someone else.
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
Sopwith is right, so long as it's not something that you make a production out of I think it would be fine.
Now, I would be advising you differently if the invitation had come addressed to you and your husband. But the "& guest" really opens things up for you, not to mention the use of your maiden name.
I agree that it would be in very poor taste to use a wedding as a platform for introducing your new love interest. If anyone asks to be introduced, I would politely say "This is Wil. Wasn't the Bride's bouquet lovely?" and keep the conversation focused on the event and not on yourself and your relationships.
Honestly, I don't think you are breaching any eiquette rules here, but be aware some family members may think it's in poor taste to show up to a wedding with someone who is not your husband, whether or not you're separated. But then again, some people will talk regardless. If you care what they say about you, maybe you'd like to go alone. If you don't care and you want Will to have a chance to get your know your family, then go and have fun. But I agree with what Sopwith said - this is not the time and place to announce to everyone your new boyfriend or to try and turn it into a big event starring you and Will. It's your cousin's wedding, and the focus should be on the bride and groom.
Will there be a rehearsal dinner or any family gathering before the wedding? If so, that would be a nice place to introduce Will to family members, so he's not a stranger to everyone on the wedding day.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
I think showing up to a wedding with someone who is not the man to whom you're actually married would be incredibly tactless. Don't do it.
Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
*blink*
Wow.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
"I think showing up to a wedding with someone who is not the man to whom you're actually married would be incredibly tactless."
Wow. How judgemental of you.
Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
Well, in his defense, she did *ask* for judgments.
I'm just surprised because it seems too close to call, or even okay, to most people in the thread. So the vehemence of his post, his certainty, surprise me.
Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
I agree w/ Dean -- ask your cousin.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Pretty much all etiquette -- and all morality -- is judgemental.
A wedding is quite literally a celebration of the sacrament of marriage, the announcement of a lifelong bond between two people who are determined to remain committed to each other.
Goody's marriage is not yet dead; it is not yet technically over. Bringing someone with whom it will almost certainly be believed that she is engaging in adultery would be, IMO, a staggeringly bad move. The message sent, as far as I can tell, would be this: "You know that sacred bond you two are setting up? Not so much."
When her two options are to go alone or risk sending a signal that bad, I think the potential downsides of going alone are pretty minimal.
Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
*tentatively raises hand*
I agree with TomD. Maybe not his delivery, but his intent. A wedding is a celebration of a new beginning, a new contract. Bringing a male guest who is not your husband would be at the very least distracting.
IMO
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
And I say, if you are getting married, and are going to be influenced by the marital status of your guests, then you are pretty pathetic.
Divorce is a reality in our culture.
Dating while legally separated is socially acceptable.
Healing from a broken marriage is encouraged.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote: Divorce is a reality in our culture.
Dating while legally separated is socially acceptable.
Among less moral society, perhaps. Demonstrating your infidelity at a wedding, though, takes cojones; it's like bringing roast pig to a Bar Mitzvah.
Of course, I'm biased on this issue because I feel very, very strongly about the sanctity of marriage. But YMMV.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
I am leaning towards Tom, although if you were to call and ask and they gave it the OK, I would agree that that would make it OK....
Personally, I would not take him...my wife wouldn't like it. Posted by theresa51282 (Member # 8037) on :
I am in the midst of planning my wedding and it wouldn't bother me but every family is different. You know best how conservative on the subject of divorce/remarriage/dating that your cousin is. I would play it safe and ask your cousin if you have doubts as to how he would feel.
Posted by Space Opera (Member # 6504) on :
That's a toughie. I probably wouldn't, to be honest. My sister brought a brand-new boyfriend to my daughter's birthday party and it was INCREDIBLY awkward for all involved since she hadn't informed anyone she'd broken up with the man she'd been dating for 2 years. However, that was a much smaller event - but it could be seen as better or worse depending on how you look at it.
space opera
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
OK, personal feelings of the sanctity of marriage aside, the cousin wrote "And Guest" on the invitation. If he(she)wanted to have Goody S bring her ex, he/she would have written his name. The "And Guest" presumes that she will be bringing someone other than her sanctified-by-God-and-state marriage partner. So, as far as offending the couple, I doubt it would. However, it is certain that there would be behind-the-napkin conversations about Goody S and her date. It is up to her whether or not she wants to deal with them.
Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
Right, Elizabeth. Yes. It's not so much how it will effect the couple getting married, but how will it make Goody feel. I think that's what I mean. I don't know, it's all relative (*rimshot*).
To air *my* dirty laundry: (apropos of very little)
When my husband and I were wed, his mother had passed away about a month and a half beforehand. My father-in-law asked if we thought it would be appropriate for him to stand in line to catch the garter, since he was single now. We very quietly said, "No."
I really think my father-in-law is emotionally retarded sometimes.
Posted by whiskysunrise (Member # 6819) on :
quote:Originally posted by Goody Scrivener: That was one thought I had about the "& guest". I actually thought the more likely situation was that Zac wasn't privy to extended family addresses (and in my case married name) because my sibs' invitations also went to Mom's house.
If this is the case don't take the boyfriend.
Just because divorce is a part of our culture doesn't mean you should advertise it at a wedding.
Most people don't get married planning to divorce.
Posted by Lupus (Member # 6516) on :
Personally, I think it is a bad idea for a few reasons. First of all, the reason that Tom brought up. A wedding is the celebration of the sanctity of marriage, and it just seems that brining someone who you are not married to, when you are legally still in a marriage just seems to be in poor taste. If the divorce was final (better yet, many months in the past), it would be a bit of a different situation. But, that is just my opinion. You know your family, and how they view marriage far better than any of us.
Secondly, wedding receptions are rather expensive. Sure, if you are in a committed relationship with someone (ie: husband or long term girl/boy friend), bring them. Otherwise, save the couple the expense of paying for the extra person.
Thirdly, I don't think a wedding is the best place to introduce a new person to the family. Partly because of the first two reasons, and partly because the relationship that is important is the one that the bride and groom have.
I don't know that it will have a big 'impact' on the couple being married, but it is just a matter of being polite. Heck, most of the little etiquette things at a wedding would not have a big impact on anyone, they are just things that you do.
As for asking, I wouldn't even ask, I'd just not do it. It might make them feel odd saying no, so why make them bother with it? If it were my wedding, I wouldn't say anything...but I would think it was odd.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
I'm with Tom. Again, not necessarily the delivery, but with the sentiment.
In the end, though, it's up to you.
Posted by bunbun (Member # 6814) on :
I'm also in Tom's camp; additionally, I think Lupus raised an excellent point: a wedding may not be the best venue to unveil a new person, particularly if he is a possible new partner.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Basically, Goody S, people who know you will have a range of reactions to this. But won't they have them anyway at some point?
"They are separated, I am happy to see her moving on." "How incredibly tactless." "Oh, great, her husband was a jerk." "How could she!" "How rude!" "Poor dear, this must be hard for her." "How disrespectful."
Etc.
People are going to talk about other people. They are going to have feelings about other people's decisions. It is up to you whether or not you want to deal with them. As far as etiquette is concerned, though, I really feel that the couple, who are in charge of the guest list, left it open for you to invite a date. They did not invite your husband.
If it were me, knowing what back-biting wenches the women in my family can be, I would not do it. But I do not feel that you would be breaching etiquette by bringing your friend.
Another thought, if the concern is taking focus off the happy couple, is this: would it not be more shocking for people to see you come to the wedding alone?
Any way you slice it, Goody, you are in a crappy position. You are going through a divorce, which sucks eggs. People will either understand your pain, be happy that you are recovering from it, or judge you as breaking the sanctity of an institution they hold dear.
All I can say is good luck with your decision. Divorce is so painful. I am at an age where it seems to be happening left and right, and it breaks my heart in two. It is not a decision made lightly, it is pure pain, as far as I can tell.
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