I've been working on a story, which looks like it's going to be novelish in length, and I'm looking for kind souls to read it so far and give me feedback on what's workin' and what ain't. It sort of segues from a relatively ordinary setting to a decidedly strange one, and I want to make sure it isn't *too* confusing. Although I want the reader to feel some the protagonist's bewilderment, I personally get fairly annoyed by excessive opaqueness in fiction and want to make sure I'm not guilty of the same sin. And, of course, I'd like any and all feedback, even-especially, actually-feedback that may be a bit painful to hear, so don't spare me.
If you'd be kind enough to give it a go, drop me an email and I'll send it to you. Please respond to the post here as well, so I can keep track of who's reading it.
[ November 21, 2005, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: Yank ]
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Talk to quidscribis, she was talking about a writers' forum...
Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :
I'd like to read it. Since I'm not a writer, I enjoy the vicarious experience of reading/commenting on another's writings. Posted by Samarkand (Member # 8379) on :
I'll read it, but I'm a brutally honest editor. Not mean, but it might feel mean . . .
Posted by Papa Moose (Member # 1992) on :
There's a new LDS Writers Forum that just started at Nauvoo. You might consider that, though I don't know if that's what you're looking for.
--Pop
Posted by Yank (Member # 2514) on :
Thanks for the tip, Papa Moose, but honestly this story has no relation to the LDS Church or even Christianity except obliquely. I normally *would* post in a writer's forum, but I already know and trust many of the people here, and the story is of the sort that would, if it's any good, be right up the alley of most of the good folk on this forum.
Posted by genius00345 (Member # 8206) on :
I'll read it...
I had a friend who wanted me to read a story he's writing, and it seemed to go over pretty well when I read it.
Although I'm only 16, I read at a way higher reading level, so maybe you can get an adolescent perspective on the book as well.
Posted by aiua (Member # 7825) on :
Could I have a go at it as well?
And, a heads up, while I'm only sixteen, I have been the editor for my school's lit mag for three years and frequently spend free time hunting for errors in the paper.
Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
Hi, Yank, I'm a big fan of being able to understand what's going on in a story, so I'd love to read it for excessive opaqueness or whatever else. Plus I just like reading!
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
If you're interested, I have a crit group over at http://www.speculative-fiction.com - it's mainly for fantasy and science fiction, though, and I don't know if that suits you.
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
How long is it?
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
I haven't been to the site in a while, quid, it's looking good though.
I recommended it to a friend who's writing a fsf novel. He's not active enough now to participate, but he's bookmarked.
Posted by Yank (Member # 2514) on :
It's only about thirty pages so far. I want to nip any problems in the bud, as it's the beginning that one uses to choose whether to read further, and problems in the beginning will resonate through the rest.
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
If you want critiques on plotting, pace, and dialogue, thirty pages is waaayy more than enough to know if it's working or not.
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
First page is good. Interesting in all the ways first pages should be. I'll look at the rest when I get home.
Posted by Yank (Member # 2514) on :
Anyone reading the story is welcome-nay, encouraged-to discuss it in the thread. I'd love to see what different people think about different ideas.
This is far from a finished draft and you'd be doing me a disservice by not mentioning something you feel could improve it, so let the suggestions and criticisms fly! And thank you all very much for you willingness to help!
Posted by theresa51282 (Member # 8037) on :
Are you looking for critiques of only the plot or of the writing as well? I read the first couple of pages. I thought it was interesting but at times there was a lot that just seemed cliche'. Just the way things were worded. Almost like it was suppose to be mimicking a famous work. I'll have to think more to discover where that feeling is coming from. Overall, it did make me want to find out what the story was about.
Posted by Yank (Member # 2514) on :
I'm looking for critiques of *anything*.
Posted by Yank (Member # 2514) on :
A word to the wise also on the Prologue; it intentionally imitates Spanish speech patterns in English, since Juan is a native Spanish speaker. He is assumed to be a very educated one, but even an educated and fluent speaker of another language will unconciously project some of the patterns of his native language onto it, even when he's completely grammatically correct. The Prologue very much reflects a Spanish rythm, especially when the characters speak, and this may make the prose feel a bit odd. If you think I should change it to be more conventionally English in feel, let me know. I would like to retain at least some of the Spanish feel, but if it's making the beginning sound awkward that's got to be changed.
The later dream sequences may feel even stranger; much of the style there is directly influenced by Spanish poetry and prose.
Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
I think the prose in the Prologue works beautifully; it has a real rhythm and flow to it. I didn't pick up on it as influenced by Spanish, but now that you mention it maybe I did on an unconscious level; it just seemed to work w/ Juan's character. I certainly did not find it awkward, and I hope you don't change it.
Posted by Yank (Member # 2514) on :
Thank you! I'm not looking to change it unless a lot of people dislike it; I don't want to lose the Spanish *feel* of it. I may clarify any specifics that sound "wrong". I'm especially concerned that the bits of untranslated Spanish be understandable in context and aren't too jarring.
I do think the prologue is a bit melodramatic; this again is in keeping with Spanish literary and cultural tradition. Latins tend to be *much* more emotionally expressive than stodgy Anglos, something that can make for amusing cultural clashes. This is true of their parent culture in Spain as well; think back to the last Antonio Banderas role you've seen.
Posted by Irami Osei-Frimpong (Member # 2229) on :
"He was about thirty years old, balding, greying, and in fairly good shape for a man his age, with a little bit of paunch that Marķa liked to pinch and tease him about."
I'm not thirty yet, but I'm close enough to get offended by this.
Posted by Yank (Member # 2514) on :
The smiley aside, Irami, I'm never *quite* sure when you're joking. Posted by Irami Osei-Frimpong (Member # 2229) on :
The problem is "fairly good shape for a man his age" is strange. 30 year-old men come in all shapes, just like sixteen year-olds.
Toby Maguire is 30. That kid who plays Superman in Smallville is 28.
Posted by Yank (Member # 2514) on :
You're probably right. Juan was originally supposed to be fifty, but his age was changed for various plot and consistency reasons. I never really thought to change the reference, though; thanks for catching that.
Posted by Yank (Member # 2514) on :
The reference has been changed in my working copy; it'll show up in the next draft. Thanks for catching that, Irami.
Posted by Yank (Member # 2514) on :
By the way, Irami, did you ever get that short story about the traffic accident at Berkeley published? I really liked that story.
Posted by Irami Osei-Frimpong (Member # 2229) on :
At fifty, the description works and is relevant.
As to the short story, nope, it's in that stack of finished fiction that I never summoned the will to aggressively send out. I'm a little embarrassed by everything I've written. Now that the stack includes a book, I should probably do something about it.
This next book is shaping nicely, though, and when I'm finished, I'll vigorously shop it around, or maybe I'll be disgusted with it in retrospect and send the whole lot down the river in a wicker basket.
[ November 21, 2005, 05:45 PM: Message edited by: Irami Osei-Frimpong ]
Posted by Yank (Member # 2514) on :
You really ought to send those out, yes. By post. The whole basket thing may have worked out for Moses, but I'd be skeptical of the validity of the approach re manuscripts.
Posted by Yank (Member # 2514) on :
Links to the file were removed as advised by Orson Scott Card; email me if you'd like to look at it.
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