I'm having a bit of a quandary I'd be grateful for the minds at Hatrack to help me out on.
I'm 17. I'm looking to go out with a guy who's older than me. He's 21, actually. Does this seem like too much of a gap?
If asked that myself, I'd normally say yes, it is. But I think well of him. He doesn't seem to have bad intentions, and he's been very good about taking things at a pace I prefer.
Opinions?
Posted by desta (Member # 8777) on :
In dating, I believe maturity level should play a larger role than age.
Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on :
There's some formula, and I forget it, but I've seen it here before, it has something to do with halving your age and adding seven or something.
Posted by sweetbaboo (Member # 8845) on :
I'd say after High School, the playing field (as far as age goes) levels out but not until then, are you out of High School? If so, then I'd go with the maturity level being the larger role.
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
It's not, and it is. I would say it's less your ages than where you guys probably are in life. Most 17 year olds are looking to get out of the house and test their limits. Most 21 year olds have already done this and are more bored with it.
But that's just a generalization, of course. Only you know what he's like.
Which brings me to the fact that I don't really understand why you are asking the forum whether you should date this guy. You know him. We don't. As long as you don't have sex with him before you're 18, the law doesn't care and neither should anyone else, it seems like to me.
Go have fun, be safe, and to hell with the world. Posted by Paul Goldner (Member # 1910) on :
Age/2+7. If 21 and 17 is ok by that rule.
Generally, its not so much maturity, I think, as life experiences. He's probably had 3-4 years of college, and you are probably a senior in high school. He's probably lived on his own for a while, and you haven't. I didn't date a 17 year old girl I could have when I was 21 for precisely that reason.
But every relationship is different.
One thing to check are age of consent laws in your state.
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
I know under age of consent laws there certainly can't legally be any sex.
And I know he's had a lot more dealings with the world than I had. So yes, I expect a maturity gap in terms of the level of independence. I'm hoping I can deal with that.
You see, I'm nervous because my friends say it's not an issue, but frankly, I don't see their dating history as the best indicator. Just wanted to run it by some people to see if anyone would freak out for good reason.
Thanks. Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
quote:One thing to check are age of consent laws in your state.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
K, that's all.
Posted by blacwolve (Member # 2972) on :
Yea, first thing find out what the age of consent is in your state and make sure that both of you are willing to abide by them.
If you don't mind me asking, what's your gender?
Posted by Dr Strangelove (Member # 8331) on :
I would say that it greatly depends on maturity levels. Obviously you feel your maturity levels are at least somewhat compatible. In my personal opinion, if you are a mature 17, go for it. If he is an immature 21, don't. If its somewhere in between ... what the heck are you asking us for?
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
I'm a guy. I'm gay, and the boy's bi.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
And, by abide by them, might I suggest that until you pass the age of consent, you avoid situations that might tempt you to violate the law. It's really for his protection more than yours. And in most states, the law is less strict in cases where the underage person is JUST BARELY underage. But you might be the unlucky couple to get some hard-liner who would try to enforce the law to the strictest extent possible.
Also, is this a situation where you are dating without your parent's knowledge or consent. Hey, I know...sort of old fashioned, but ultimately, it's another layer of protection should the two of you get stopped and questioned.
If, by some ill fortune, you find yourselves in that situation, do NOT joke with the law enforcement officer.
Oh...and have fun on your date.
Posted by blacwolve (Member # 2972) on :
Ok, I'm definately confusing you with a guy who's really conservative and wants to be in the military, right?
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Dr Strangelove: Yeah, I guess so. I've just royally screwed up with relationships too many times.
Personally, I've always held that at some points, it does come down to age, regardless of so-called maturity. So I feel kind of a hypocrite doing this.
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Blacwolve: Yeah, I'd say so. Never expressed those sentiments myself.
Bob: Trust me, I plan to. I have friends who've been burned by age of consent laws (without even violating them) simply by disgruntled parents. I don't plan to violate those laws, and I plan to make sure I don't get someone else caught up in a predicament because of it. And yes, since my parents don't know I'm gay, this is without their knowledge. That's why I'm doubly careful.
Posted by blacwolve (Member # 2972) on :
Ok, sorry, I was just really confused for a few minutes there.
Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
Another reason to be careful about the consent laws is that people are more likely to nail someone to the wall for violating the law in the case of two gay boys.
By the way, it's good to see you back again, Joldo. Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote: I'm 17. I'm looking to go out with a guy who's older than me. He's 21, actually. Does this seem like too much of a gap?
IMO, yes. There will be a power imbalance that you will most likely not survive as a couple, especially given the inherent problems facing most gay/bi relationships among young men (and your own closeted status). I'd ask him to wait a year at least, and judge his worth based on his willingness to do so.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
I was sort of leaning that way too, but wanted to see about the answers to some questions first.
Joldo, I can imagine some really BAD scenarios that could play out simply because you don't wait until after you are 18. I'm a born worrier, of course, but I think the chances of getting into a predicament given the homosexual nature of the relationship, and the suprise it would be to your parents, I seriously suggest waiting.
Can you go out in a group...of friends?
And can you "behave yourselves" in public...and avoid being alone privately?
And if he says it's his risk and he's willing to take it...etc., are you confident you could still say no? And have your "no" be final?
This is just sounding dicey to me, and only because you can't be open about it with your parents. If they knew already, I think there'd be less concern.
As it is, if the two of you are "caught," isn't it likely that your parents will jump to the conclusion that this adult man "corrupted" you? And, wouldn't they be likely to discount your protestations to the contrary as a misguided attempt to protect your abuser?
It ain't worth the risk.
How many months until your 18th birthday?
Or, what would it take to be open and honest with your parents?
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
I've already talked to him and said I'd prefer to be in a group of friends when we go out. And I intend to still retain my virginity for a good while, which he also knows. Made sure things were clear on that score. If he can't respect that, the relationship probably isn't one I'll maintain.
Actually, I'm considering coming out to my parents this winter. That'll be something to look forward to.
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