This is topic How do you grieve a loss like this? in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.


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Posted by divaesefani (Member # 3763) on :
 
Our best friends, Kyle and Amber, were due to have a baby boy any day, just 4 months after our sweet baby was born. The due date was 12/14, their anniversary and the day they were sealed. We had matching outfuts for our boys. We couldn't wait to take pictures together, and for our boys to grow up together, like Brian (my husband) and Kyle did. Brian saw Amber last night. She was ready for labor! It's 2 days late already!

Sometime this morning, she delivered a baby girl and she was stillborn. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I'm not sure how to help Amber. I know she will be blaming herself for it, and I know it's not her fault. Do I keep my baby away from her? Or does she need to see/hold my baby and cry with him? I can't even imagine how she's feeling, so I can't even begin to know what to do. Any advice from someone who has dealt with something like this?
 
Posted by Boon (Member # 4646) on :
 
My advice:

Take your husband with you the first time you go see her. Tell her how sorry you are for her loss, and then tell her how you're feeling and ask her if she wants to see the baby. Tell her you won't be offended if she doesn't, and that she can ask you to leave with the baby any time with no feelings hurt. Just tell her you want to be there for her.

IME, a close friend experiencing a loss will need close friends and family near. DO NOT assume she'd rather not be bothered, or that she wants to be alone.

And don't forget Kyle in this time of grief.

Hope this helps.
 
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
 
I think Boon's advice is very sound.

One thing I can recommend - do not say "I know how you feel." Truth is, you don't - and I know that phrase offended me when I heard it except when I heard it from people I knew had experienced a loss like mine. It seems like something that always slips out when comforting someone, but I've never really found it comforting to hear.

I would put my arms around her, cry with her if she cries, and tell her I had no idea what pain she was experiencing but I wanted to comfort her in any way I could.
 
Posted by divaesefani (Member # 3763) on :
 
Thanks you guys. The advice really helps a lot. I've never lost a baby, so I can't even come close to imagining what she would need or understanding how she would feel. I'll so with your plan, Boon. I think she'll appreciate deciding herself.

Belle, I feel very strongly about not telling people you understand if you don't. I totally agree with you there. Thank you for your advice.
 
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
Tell her you love her. Tell her you will do whatever she needs. And then, do it. I agree wiht the advice given-- let her tell you what she wants and needs, and do your best for her. Offer specific help-- it's easier to say, "Yes, you can bring me dinner" or, "Yes, you can do my dishes" or, "Yes, it would be great if you answer the phone that keeps ringing while I'm trying to take a nap so I don't have to deal with insensitive people for an hour" than to answer the question, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
 
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
And I'm sure you felt close to this baby, too. Maybe she will need to cry. Maybe you can cry with her and hold each other.
 
Posted by dean (Member # 167) on :
 
One of my friends who has experienced a great deal of loss in her life told me once that people agonize over what to say, but the truth is even something well-meant that didn't come out right isn't going to make her pain worse because she's already feeling so much, whereas people withdrawing for whatever reason will pile pain on top of pain.
 
Posted by JennaDean (Member # 8816) on :
 
Oh, my heart aches just hearing this story. I agree with the advice you've been given.

I would just say, don't say nothing - even saying the wrong thing is better than nothing. They'll know you care. If they get angry or sarcastic or tearful - ignore it and keep caring. They'll appreciate a true friend.
 
Posted by boogashaga (Member # 8881) on :
 
Maybe you could tell your friend that many others (on this forum, for example) care about what happened to her (them). I know that I am deeply saddened by what you have explained here. I hope that you can be a boon to your friend. I feel that you will based on what I am reading here. She realy needs you at this time.
 
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
 
Agreement on all the advice given.

As for her seeing the baby, that is a tough one. It sounds like you ar close enough as friends to be direct. Ask her. Tell her your concern.

Remember, this is grief for you as well. And you will most likely feel some guilt that you have this beautiful baby, and she does not.

I am so sorry. This is terribly sad, but she is lucky to have a friend like you.
 
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
 
My brother and sister in law had stillborn twins a couple of years ago. They had a funeral and everyone came and helped to bury the babies. They count the stillborn babies among their children. Everyone treated them as proper mourners, and observed the mourning rituals. At the birth of their next child, at the bris (naming ceremony), the stillborn twins were remembered, and my brother explained how their new son's name signifies the family's hope and rebirth. There was both smiles and tears.
 
Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
 
It was very, very hard for me to see other babies after the stillbirth of my son. I would give her a few weeks and then gently ask how she feel about you bringing over your baby. It took me about three months before I could hold the babies of the friends due around the same time as I. It will be different for everyone. She will need a LOT of emotional and practical help in the weeks to come. Call her when your baby is napping to see how she is. Say the baby's name, don't just say "the baby". If she has a place of worship or any other support group, see if they are planning meals for her.If not, and there is any way you or mutual friends can swing it, those will help her. Look us an infant loss support group for her. Ask if she needs help with funeral arrangements. Ask to see pictures and the 'memory box" from the hospital. Very few people asked to do that, and I was not comfortable offering, but that is such a huge acknowledgemnt of the baby's life and humanity. Remember anniverseries. Don't expect her to get over it- some of the ladies who have reached out to me lost their babies decades ago, and still cry about them.

If you have any questions, or she'd like to talk to me, feel free to e-mail cymoril3 at yahoo. (I'm open to answering questions here on the forum)

Here are some resources:

http://www.october15th.com/
http://www.missfoundation.org/
http://www.mothering.com/discussions/forumdisplay.php?s=&daysprune=-1&f=22
 


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