A few years ago my girlfriend and I split, we had a bit of a fight over our son but thankfully the courts saw fit to give me charge of him.
I was just wondering how many single Dads were able to get custody and to my suprise the average is rising in America.
I love my son, and he loves me also, he's 9 years old and I'm proud to say that he himself told the Judge that he wanted to stay with me, this helped alot, he wasn't coached at all mind you.
I felt bad that his mother decided to leave us for a life of bar hopping and partying but she has to live her own life I spose, and I have never felt angry twards her choices in life.
I was lucky also to have a close family, my father passed away a few years ago, and my Mom is only to happy to watch Alex while I'm at work. I'm happy to report that his grades were outstanding this last quarter, and he's excited that we are buying our first home as Father and Son in the next few weeks!
Anyhow I ran across this article and thought I would share as I'm kind of proud to be in the few American single Father's club...
Single Dad Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
"he wasn't coached at all mind you"
I find it so sad that you have to even say this!
Walker, I was raised by my father in the 60's and 70's, long before anyone thought it could/should be done. When my mother died(I was eighteen months), my grandparents(mom's parents) told my dad it would be best if they raised me. I love my grandparents, but I am so happy my dad said, "Step off!"
Posted by SC Carver (Member # 8173) on :
quote: I felt bad that his mother decided to leave us for a life of bar hopping and partying but she has to live her own life I spose, and I have never felt angry twards her choices in life.
Wow, That takes a good man. I hope that I am never forced into that situation, but I don't know if I could be that forgiving.
Posted by Walker (Member # 8866) on :
quote:Originally posted by Elizabeth: I find it so sad that you have to even say this!
To be honest it was her mother that said it to the courts, she cried up and down to them that my family and I had talked him into staying with us, but this just wasn't the case. A children's attourney was hired and he spoke with Alex and asked him what he wanted, his exact words were, "I want to live with my Dad" and thats what he got.
I was accused of many things in the court room, by her family, most of them were made up, and I believe that the court saw through them right away. Long story short she gets to see Alex one weekend a month, he looks forward to it, and thats all that matters to us I spose.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I watched Terms of Endearment and its sequal this weekend with Coccinelle. I was struck how, when the mother died, all three kids went with the grandmother to apparently barely ever see their dad again. I was even more floored that the dad let it happen.
In the conversation between husband and wife before she died, they were talking about how much he needed her and would miss her. It wasn't until later that I realized he wasn't talking about her help with their family. He was talking about only himself! Of course it's okay to miss her, but no wonder she was desperate in wondering what to do with her kids. Their father was gone. It made me so sad.
But I'm delighted to read about the caring and fabulous fathers in this thread.
Posted by Lissande (Member # 350) on :
That happened to my grandmother, katharina. Her mother died and boom, the kids were shipped off to the army, marriage, and the already crowded homes of abusive relatives. Fathers lack staying power in my family.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
It happened to my grandmother as well. My grandmother was raised by aunts and cousins and by no one for very long, and both of her parents were alive. Her mother traveled for work, and her father didn't take her.
It's interesting to see the effects it had. I think it's part of the reason she worked so hard at having the perfect-looking home and to please people. I think it's also why she worked so hard at making sure her daughters felt loved and accepted and always wanted. She wanted very much to have a proper home, but she had to figure out on her own what that meant. I don't agree with all of her decisions as to what they meant, but I love how she was so careful to make sure everyone who depended on her felt very loved.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
There were many, many days that I WISHED will all my might that my dad had raised me instead of my mom. But it all worked out -- and he remained very very close and in touch with us despite the divorce. I know he gave up a lot (career-wise) in order to stay in this location to be next to us.
I have known many men that I would view as being extremely capable of raising their children by themselves. I'm glad to see that courts are recognizing this as well.
FG
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
To be fair, for a very long time it really wasn't "normal" for men to take over the care of their children, so for many men, it might not have been an option.
Nannies were hired, or the man was expected to remarry, or the wife's family would take over are of the children.
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
My father got me in the divorce. My mom got my sister and brother.
There were pros and cons - and some of the memories are very sweet, such as my dad trying to perm my hair, and when that failed, trying to learn how to use a curling iron on my hair for picture day at school.
Posted by LadyDove (Member # 3000) on :
I don't think that nurturing/parenting is gender specific. I believe that the ability is a combination of- practice, commitment, appreciation and love.
Practice= by being there in sickness and in health, in good behavior and in bad, in fun and in discipline; a parent gains the skills to be a parent.
Commitment= being willing to deny yourself when the kids need you and discipling your frustration so that you can always approach the kids with their best interests in mind is a decision. It doesn't just happen.
Appreciation= daily you are thankful for your children. And when you have denied yourself as listed above, you realize that you gained so much more by giving into your commitment than you could have ever presented yourself otherwise.
Love= This fills in all the gaps. It increases with "Appreciation" and makes you willing to hold them all night and let them go when they're ready.
Some men may be able to do this as well as women, some may be able to do it better. In general, the women get the "Practice" part down early because they are the typical primary care giver from infancy to ~ age 6. Also, typically, the women are forced to accept the "Commitment" model because the husband works and can claim he doesn't have the "Practice".
Regarding "Appreciation", since "Appreciation" is in part based on one's time with the kids during "Practice" and "Commitment", I think that whoever has spent time with the kids appreciates them most.
"Love" is important, but without the other components, it may not be enough.
I know this is a bit of a ramble, but I'm trying to explain why I think that the mother is often, rightly assumed to be the more appropriate parent. There are definitely acceptions to the rule, but I understand why primary custody to the mother is still standard practice.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Well, Ladydove, even if you are right in general, that should make no difference in specific cases, yet many times it still does.
In situations where the father is clearly the primary caregiver, custody is often given to the mother. And that is unfair at best.
Posted by Dragon (Member # 3670) on :
quote:My father got me in the divorce. My mom got my sister and brother.
That happens? I'm curious as to the circumstances, if you don't mind. I wouldn't have thought that they would split up sibilings like that...
Posted by LadyDove (Member # 3000) on :
Elizabeth,
quote:In situations where the father is clearly the primary caregiver, custody is often given to the mother. And that is unfair at best.
Agreed.
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dragon:
quote:My father got me in the divorce. My mom got my sister and brother.
That happens? I'm curious as to the circumstances, if you don't mind. I wouldn't have thought that they would split up sibilings like that...
It's a long story - e-mail me and I'll tell you some of it. Suffice to say the power struggles between the adults were intense, and they had no compunctions about using us kids for bait and switch tactics, as pawns - and it didn't stop until we were adults and either cut off all contact for a while, or had it out with said parent about what they were no longer allowed to do.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
My husband's heart is still broken over his parent's divorce. He is forty-one.
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
I know two fathers who got custody of their kids after the divorce and in both cases I consider it a win-win for the children.
It really is an individual thing that must be looked at case by case. It's unfair to say a mother is ALWAYS the better caregiver. Like many of you, I'm glad the courts are recognizing that.
quote:My husband's heart is still broken over his parent's divorce. He is forty-one.
Elizabeth, I was 33 when I made contact with my fahter again, he'd been missing from my life for more than 30 years and he was happily remarried, I met my stepmom and I loved her and we would never have gotten back in touch without her. Yet, when my mom's divorce from my stepdad became final later the same year I began having thoughts that maybe both my birth parents would get back together. I'm an adult, I know better and I still wanted that to happen, at least on some level. Makes you wonder if we really do all have an inner child, that never grows up and heals when it's wounded.
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
quote: That happens? I'm curious as to the circumstances, if you don't mind.
In my grandparents' divorce, my grandmother got my Mom and my grandfather got my uncle. Unfortunately, the parenting situation was much more "healthy" with my grandmother and her new husband. The difference is obvious and striking.
In this case it was the important difference between a nurturing father and a non-nurturing father. My blood-grandfather was very critical and not at all nurturing. My step-grandpa (the one I actually have a relationship with) is very nurturing, patient, loving, understanding, etc.
Fathers make a *huge* difference.
BTW, Porter just mentioned that, at least in generations past, it was common for girls to go with their mom and boys to go with their dad.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
quote:It's a long story - e-mail me and I'll tell you some of it. Suffice to say the power struggles between the adults were intense, and they had no compunctions about using us kids for bait and switch tactics, as pawns - and it didn't stop until we were adults and either cut off all contact for a while, or had it out with said parent about what they were no longer allowed to do.
Sounds a little bit like my family. My brother will be 20 next year-- and they're still fighting for control.
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
quote:Originally posted by beverly:
quote: That happens? I'm curious as to the circumstances, if you don't mind.
BTW, Porter just mentioned that, at least in generations past, it was common for girls to go with their mom and boys to go with their dad.
In my case, I'm the oldest girl child, and my father was my adoptive father, not my birth father. I think my mom mostly didn't like girls, especially prepube. And my father really didn't get that she was happier with me gone, and was not going to play the game of getting back together with him in order to have all her children.
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
I have no idea if what Porter said is correct. I was just kinda throwing it out there in case it was helpful.
So, your father was hoping to knit the marriage back together somehow?
Posted by Dragon (Member # 3670) on :
wow. that's really tough.
Posted by Lissande (Member # 350) on :
I went with my mom and my brother went with my dad (I was 3, he was 1.5). Are we "generations past" too?
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