Some of you may remember in previous topics I've either created or posted in that I was sort of interested in the LDS church. In fact, it was through this board that I got contact information for two missionaries to talk to. I also was introduced to a guy at my school who goes to an LDS church here by someone on this board.
So over the holiday break, I did a lot of reading and research. I read (well more technically listened since it was on my iPod) at least half of the Book of Mormon. I read a lot of different websites, both pro-LDS and anti-LDS. I prayed nightly about the subject. I never felt anything though (the burning bosom or whatever it is). I mean I felt like the Mormon views on things lined up with my own pretty much and that I couldn't find anything that really conflicted with anything I already believed.
Also over the break, the guy from UTD e-mailed me, offering to take me to his church when I got back to school if I'd like. After much consideration, I agreed. I was nervous as I was having to be somewhat deceptive to my parents. I was also nervous because I had high hopes. What follows is what happened last Sunday.
At 12:20, the guy (who I'm going to keep nameless just out of consideration) picked me up at my place. He had some meeting to go to beforehand, so we got there early. He introduced me to a few people, and I talked to them (as well as to the two missionaries who had come to visit me before). At 1, things more or less got started. People began going up and giving their testimony (both of Jesus and of the Book of Mormon). They were so serious and somber about it. Many of them were crying. As I saw this, the thought came to me, "You'll never be like that. You don't feel anything spiritual inside you. It's just emptiness and cynicism."
After all the testimonies, we broke off to the little classes. The talk was supposed to be about creation, but we ended up discussing human divinity (at least that's what I think it was going off my memory). I didn't really have any problems with the class. I felt out of place though since I really only knew three people in the room with us (the guy who brought me and the 2 missionaries).
Then there was the little thing with all the guys, where they did all their voting on certain topics. I was surprised to see it, because it does seem a bit like the Stonemasons or something. It was interesting to watch. A guy got up and gave a lesson (it was multi-point so I don't recall its exact subject now). He was obviously moved by it though, because you could see he was on the verge of crying a few times. Once more, I felt like I wouldn't belong.
After that, church was more or less done. I left feeling two things. First, I felt (as I've already stated) that I didn't belong to that group, that there was something about them that would always be lacking in me. The second was a returning feeling of hopeless/depression. I had certain hopes pinned on the LDS church, and it doesn't look like they will be met. I told a friend that maybe they were right about me: maybe unconsciously I want to be miserable. It would explain a lot of things.
Well that's it for my experiences. Anyone feel free to comment or to lecture me. I'll take either. I'm not picky. Posted by A Rat Named Dog (Member # 699) on :
If it makes a difference to you, not all Mormons are as easily moved to tears as those you sometimes see in Testimony Meetings. There are times in my life when I've wondered if there was something wrong with me because I wasn't constantly riding this spiritual high that had me on the verge of crying for joy ... until I realized that human beings are all different, and that not everyone is expected to behave in exactly the same way.
I don't typically cry during Testimony meeting, and sometimes I quietly raise an eyebrow at the things that other people say Not a scornful eyebrow ... just one that is saying, "Wow, that person's spiritual experience within the Church is totally different from mine. Interesting. I wonder what's going on there."
Feeling uncomfortable in a new place, seeing people un-self-consciously acting in foreign ways, can be a strange experience. I just hope you realize that you're not alone. There are a lot of people in the Church who stand out or feel different, even if they've been there their whole lives And certainly, newcomers and guests have some differences to get used to.
It doesn't mean you're unwelcome, or that you couldn't find a place there. It only means that you're coming from a different world, and aren't quite sure what you think of what you've found.
Just remember that Mormon churches, just like any places where humans gather, are filled with weird people who don't quite get each other. So when you feel that way, you can always know you're not alone Posted by Dante (Member # 1106) on :
<raises eyebrow at Dog>
Posted by Occasional (Member # 5860) on :
I am just curious what it is you were expecting. To be honest Mormon worship services can be pretty boring. Sometimes that comes from personal moods and sometimes that comes from an all untrained congregation that is responsible for the talks and lessons.
As for tearing up, unlike Dog there are times when I do raise my eyebrows in a critical manner. There has only been a limited amount of times when such expressions have touched my soul; and usually when they are unexpected from the talk or the person. In the end, however, spiritual discoveries are personal and almost impossible to share. Emotional minipulation is easy. That has been going on since storytelling was invented. However, a real personal spiritual experience is not forgettable and nearly impossible to duplicate.
I don't see a problem with you searching and not finding. What I do think, however, is there comes a time when you should stop researching and start thinking. This doesn't mean going over your notes. It means looking within yourself and asking questions about YOU. And that leads to the question I first asked. What is it that you were expecting and in fact expect? A Mormon would call it "pondering" and others might call it "soul searching," but it amounts to the same thing.
Oh, one last thing. You can't truely learn until you experiment. That means actually living what you are taught. After "soul searching," you should go out and put some of that stuff you have been reading and studying to work. That is true for more than just religion, but life.
Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :
Here's my advice to you: keep reading the Book of Mormon and keep investigating until you've made up your mind for sure. And try not to be so hard on yourself. If you keep telling yourself that you'll never fit in or feel a certain way, it'll probably come true. Good luck with everything.
Posted by Dr Strangelove (Member # 8331) on :
Hey, pfresh, you sound like me. Except ... I've been going to church all my life. Seriously, I've gone to a church (al beit Baptist) since first grade on, where that kind of emotional religion is prevalent, sometimes moreso than others. And I have never ever felt a part of it. In fact, there have been times when I've been downright against it. But that hasn't stopped me from going, or from enjoying church, or from learning. I try to ignore those highly emotional people as much as possible, figuring they simply have a different ... manner of worship. During the songs, I usually just look at the words of the songs and think about how they either are something I should apply to my life, or something I disagree on for some reason or another. During Church services, most of my time is spent listening to the pastor and thinking about the stuff I disagree with him with. The way I figure it, the stuff we agree upon requires no thought, its the differences which are incredibly interesting. But, I suppose some people figure that stuff is just so touching ... *sniff sniff* it makes me wanna cry! No harm in that, just a different way of approaching things. So anyways, that's my two cents from life long church going anti-emotion cynical Baptist.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
And I'm like both Dog and Occasional in that respect, despite being female and therefore supposed to be more in tune with the emotional feminine side. Not. And yes, I raise my eyebrow at some of these overt displays of emotion, and to me, sometimes, it comes across as nothing more than emotion, and sometimes, but more rarely, it comes across as spiritual. The two are not the same, sometimes misinterpreted as the other, but related.
And I'd listen to the advice you've already gotten. Posted by Rebekkah (Member # 9012) on :
One thing nobody has pointed out, and I'm not sure if you know it or not, but not ALL Sundays are testimony meetings. It's only once a month, the other services are like other religious ceremonies, only members of the congregation participate more in the "sermon". So if you're not totally put-off by your experience, you might try to go once again and maybe you'll see that it's not quite as emotional as all that.
As for not feeling like you belong, it's like that with every church when you first start out. You have to decide if the core of the religion agrees with what you've already decided to believe in. The rest will come in time. I grew up in the Mormon church, and had known nothing else until adulthood. I have since been to several other churches and I've never felt the same sense of belonging and community that I felt as a Mormon (and I really miss it sometimes). So if that's what you're seeking, it will come, but you can't expect it to be there your first time in. So, yeah, you need to do some soul-searching eventually about what you believe and then choose to be a part of the community.
Posted by skillery (Member # 6209) on :
quote:guy got up and gave a lesson (it was multi-point)
For a minute there I thought you said Power Point, which reminded me of the time my church buddy used his new laptop to teach Gospel Doctrine class.
Yeah, we had a "multi-point" lesson a couple of weeks ago at my brother in-law's ward. I thought I'd be funny, so I put on my Hatrack hat and threw in some totally random observations, something about New Holland tractor maintenance manuals. The guy tied it into his lesson! I was nearly moved to tears. Best meeting ever!
Posted by Yozhik (Member # 89) on :
quote: I never felt anything though (the burning bosom or whatever it is).
I don't feel the spirit that way either, probably because I'm a "thinker" rather than a "feeler." Instead... how to describe it ... it's like a sense of rightness, of truth, that isn't like other thoughts or feelings that I have, and I feel it as a thought (generally a peaceful one) rather than as any kind of emotional upset.
And I'm not much of a crier, either. I think that it may be a cultural thing -- in my ward, the Utah transplants are more likely to cry than the local converts, simply because tears are not an established method of expressing spirituality for us locals. Posted by Bean Counter (Member # 6001) on :
I know what you mean, Mormons take saintliness seriously and not everybody is cut out to be in the company of Saints. I am not, when they seperate the sheep from the goats I will be a goat. No amount of wool will change that. I do like it that their is a religion where goodness is at such a level that even moderate sinfullness causes discomfort. I feel perfectly at home in a Catholic Church!
BC
Posted by Puffy Treat (Member # 7210) on :
BC, if you mean that the LDS Church believes that only perfect, sinless people should attend meeting, much less join...and that some people predestined to be damned...well, you're mistaken.
I think the problem may be that the Church says it wants members to "keep the commandments"...what it means is "keep trying to keep the commandments, trusting that the Saviour will supply all that you lack."
The Church does not believe the Gospel is only for those who are perfect. Nor that some people are "just plain not the right sort" to join. Far, far from it.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
pfresh, it sounds like continued searching is in order. If I recall correctly, you tried a Methodist church once before. I would reccomend not only giving both churches you have gone to another try, but to continue reading and trying others for a while.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Or, like I've said before, look for community -- which is really what you want -- somewhere OTHER than a religious setting, so you won't have to feel like you're faking religious ardor when all you really want is some associates.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
I don't think it's at all clear from previous posts that "community" is the sum total of what phresh really wants. It's also pretty clear the phresh is neither "faking religious ardor" nor would find it acceptable to do so.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Well, that's my point exactly; he isn't doing it, wouldn't feel comfortable doing it, and was uncomfortable in an environment where he felt like he'd have to do it to fit in.
And I think it is pretty clear that the desire for community is at the heart of his search. I'm not saying that he might not find religion fulfilling, but I still strongly urge him to consider looking outside of organized religion for satisfaction.
Posted by Sergeant (Member # 8749) on :
My short advice, try another time when it isn't testimony meeting. They tend to be a little strange, particularly in my congregation. I would say that most experiences must be tried at least twice in order to find out if the first was simply an aberration or par for the course.
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