I spent a lovely afternoon catching up with a college beau from the late 80's. I've noticed with a lot of my college friends from those days, that while we don't see one another too often, it's always very comfortable - we just seem to pick up where we left off.
This particular gentleman - a fine friend. I love visiting with him over coffee or some nifty art exhibit. We share kid stories, and swap updates on mutual friends. We manage that every couple of years of so.
But there's some sort of melancholy around the whole thing, too . . .
Maybe we never said goodbye quite as well as we could have . . .
*wanders off to puzzle*
Posted by Tatiana (Member # 6776) on :
Because you still sort of love him, maybe?
Posted by LadyDove (Member # 3000) on :
Sometimes your soulmate and your lifemate aren't the same person. Free will kinda sucks sometimes.
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
Because you'll always wonder how differently your life might've turned out if you'd married him instead, carried his children instead, had him with you through all the troubles you've had since losing him?
Of course, if this sentiment is true now, it'd probably be true if you had stayed with him and were meeting a different ex today. But love, at least with me, isn't easily given -- I'll always love (to some degree) the women I've loved before, even if I'll never be in love with them again. What ifs will always haunt me -- though I'll never regret them, every choice I make leaves room for introspection and speculation, activities native to any thoughtful mind.
Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
The fact that they disappointed me so much. It always turned out that they just weren't worth it. :S
Posted by dawnmaria (Member # 4142) on :
I kind of feel like it puts that time in my life in a new sometimes harsher light. I can see myself now from a different perspective and I sometimes find I don't really like the person I was then. Or I feel regret for letting things go unsaid at the time both good and bad. I personally was "doormat girl". I took too much crap and wish I had had some more sense when I was younger and dating. My Hubby always asks why he got so lucky to get me now that I have a spine and an attitude! Posted by JennaDean (Member # 8816) on :
"I can see myself now from a different perspective and I sometimes find I don't really like the person I was then."
I know that feeling. For me it's not so much that I wonder what it would have been like if I were still with them ... I know I'm with the right one, and I know the one or two I'm "melancholy" over wouldn't have made a good "life partner". But I wonder what I could have done differently to avoid the pain back then. The "if only I had done this differently, or said the right words that time", we could've avoided that painful experience. I would've liked to have had a chance to go back and do things right that I got wrong before, out of ignorance or just inconsideration.
Of course the pain would've had to come sometime, if it wasn't going to last forever; and since I'm with the "right one" now, it's a good thing it didn't. But I still feel the melancholy ... the "if only's".
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
Oh, I totally get the melancholy. Been there recently in fact. :/
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
Really?
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
Well, within the last half-year.
Posted by JennaDean (Member # 8816) on :
If you're anything like me, Beverly, being pregnant makes it worse.
I think it's knowing that "if they saw me now, how repulsive I'd be to them...." Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
In September, Porter and I went out to dinner with my ex-first-boyfriend. I was pregnant then, but not huge. It didn't bother me too much, though.
Being in touch with him again was pleasant, but hard as well in a lot of ways. It brought up a lot of nostalgia--and melancholy.
Posted by MandyM (Member # 8375) on :
I saw my ex-husband this weekend and it made me sad for a different reason I think. I just bumped into him at a concert so it wasn't like we were somewhere together or anything. He was an alcoholic when we divorced and by the end of Friday evening he was wasted. It just makes me sad to see he is the same self-destructive person he was 10 years ago when I left him. I keep hoping he will clean himself up and I pray for him but I am not optimistic. This is the same thing his father did. *sigh*
Dawnmaria, my (wonderful current) husband says the same thing about me. I like that I am a better person than I was 10 years ago when I left my first husband.
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
That's post number 666, MandyM!
Posted by dawnmaria (Member # 4142) on :
MandyM, My Hubby knew me then and watched the drama as it unfolded. I don't know if that's good or bad. Sometimes I think it's good because he can see how far I've come and sometimes I hate that there are still witnesses around that saw how incredibly stupid I was. Double edged sword. I actually saw the ex in question the other day in traffic and almost couldn't breathe. I gasped "Oh my God!" and Hubby knew without looking what had happened. See really I have 2 ex's, the boyfriend and my ex best friend that he married. I thought they had moved away. I even snooped around to make sure but they are back in town now. I've seen both in traffic and don't quite know how I'll react if I see them in person. Part of me wants them to see how well I've done and how I've made a happy family and the other part wants to rip out his eyes and dance on his face. I'm Italian, I'm a passionate woman! But truly, the feeling of being transport back in time was so strong when I saw him I almost vomitted. There should be a statute of limitations on that feeling. Shouldn't 13 years be enough?
Posted by 0range7Penguin (Member # 7337) on :
Threads like this make me want to write a landmark thread. Only about four hundred to go! The funny thing is by the time i get to a thousand i will probably be too uptight to actaully right one when it comes down to it. It would just be nice to really put my life out there in front of somebody. And to say to hell with it and just let my fellow hatrackers judge me as they would. Huh...
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
quote:I like that I am a better person than I was 10 years ago when I left my first husband.
As long as you remember that it was your 10-year-ago self that did the things that allowed you to develop in the wonderful current you. Posted by MandyM (Member # 8375) on :
Dagonee, thanks for that comment! I do remember that. No regrets. Just skeletons! Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
quote:What is it about old boyfriends that make you sad?
I kind of feel bad and pity them that they didn't get to land up with me. Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
Orange Penguin, if that is the way you feel, then it is time for you to do a landmark. The number of posts isn't important, it is about you having something to say and it being the right time. Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
quote:Originally posted by beverly: In September, Porter and I went out to dinner with my ex-first-boyfriend. I was pregnant then, but not huge. It didn't bother me too much, though.
How did he become your ex-first? I don't mean why you broke up with him, I want to know how you retroactively slipped in another boyfriend before him. Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
Huh? He was her first boyfriend. Now he's her ex(first boyfriend).
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
Personally, I think the melancholy of meeting an old girlfriend is the bitter truth that it's really hard to be just friends or acquaintences with someone you shared so much with once upon a time. You don't have any mechanisms for light, unaffected conversation with that person. And whatever caused you to break up still lingers.
Posted by beverly (Member # 6246) on :
Yeah, AFR I hear that. There was a desire to be friends, but the realization that that either isn't possible or isn't worth it.
Posted by The Pixiest (Member # 1863) on :
Not just any old ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend will make me feel meloncholy.. only the ones I loved. And I think, at least for me, that's how I know it was love way back when... That I still feel something (if only a little) all these years later.
Pix
Posted by jeniwren (Member # 2002) on :
I think it's because they're living headstones to dreams once held dear. And I think for me, to some amount, I get a portion of shame with the sadness because I usually just remember the stuff I did wrong in the relationship. I ran into an old lover a while back...can't call him a boyfriend because it was really more 'friends with benefits' and didn't feel that sense of melancholy at all. I was just happy to see him.
Whereas I exchanged emails briefly with an old boyfriend year before last and felt sad. Happy to hear from him and hear what's going on in his life -- going through a rough time then, which I felt sad for him about, but mostly, it brought back memories of a younger self I'm not too proud of. He deserved better.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
jeniwren, you said it for me.
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
Wow, Pixiest and jeniwren. You both nailed it on the head.
Yes - it was love. That I most decidedly ran away from. Without even the courtesy of saying goodbye. Hence the shame - especially that he cared enough all those years ago to keep extending the hand of friendship and forgiveness, even though I treated him so disgracefully.
I'm lucky to have a friend like that - and grateful that there is at least a second chance at friendship, with the added bonus of getting to know his lovely wife and adorable children.
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But truly, the feeling of being transport back in time was so strong when I saw him I almost vomitted. There should be a statute of limitations on that feeling. Shouldn't 13 years be enough?
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