This is topic How do you pick your child's Guardian? in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.


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Posted by dawnmaria (Member # 4142) on :
 
I had no idea how hard it would be to decide who would be my child's guardian should the worst happen! I thought we had it settled before she was born but when I held her in my arms everything changed. First me & Hubby had agreed on one of his sisters and her husband because they were the only people we could both agree on. We both thought my Mom would be a poor choice because of her age. Well I didn't really feel that strongly about it but understood his basic argument about it. But after I had her I don't want her to be raised by anyone else but my Mom. He feels like I'm being too critical of his family. His sister has seen her twice in 15 months, my Mom knows how she likes her yogurt in the morning and what animal she likes to nap with. The clear choice I think is Mom. How did you decide this in your family without a major schism in the family? I am at a loss at how to come to an agreement here without it dissolving into family finger pointing and name calling again!
 

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Posted by Ben (Member # 6117) on :
 
dartboard.
 

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Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :
 
I haven't done this yet myself, and I know I should.

I think I would first have a discussion with hubby's sister and her husband, considering that they have already been asked to do so. Let them know that you are concerned about how your children will be raised if you do predecease them while they're still minors. Part of the purpose in appointing a guardian is to ensure your children will be raised in a way you feel comfortable with. Mention the fact that they have only visited twice since your daughter's birth, and let them know that you'd like them to be more present in her life if it's still their intent to succeed you if the need arises. That also gives them a chance to rethink their commitment before they're pressed into service.

You can always have new wills drawn up - or just a codicil - to change the appointment. And if you don't already have this decision documented in a will, I strongly recommend that you do so.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
We still haven't decided. We know we don't want our kids raised by his family should anything happen; the only ones on that side who have a child-rearing philosophy, or whatever, that we are comfortable with are his sister and brother-in-law, and they are not active in our church. That is very important to us, that our kids be raised in our church-- which creates a problem on my side as well, as I'm a convert and no one else in the family is a member. So, we're left with no blood relatives that we want raising our children if something happens to us. Oops. We then turn to friends. We know several families that we'd be comfortable with the knowledge that they were raising our kids, but they don't really know our daughter well. And as we don't have life insurance yet (it's on our list of things to do as soon as our budget eases up a little), it would be a financial burden as well-- which would not matter to these families, probably, as they're all fairly well-off, but we'd still like to not impose. So, we've decided to wait, ponder, deliberate, and pray on it some more. And hopefully nothing will happen to us in the next few years, before we get the chance to talk to people and see if they would consent, and get everything set up. *sigh*
 

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Posted by JennaDean (Member # 8816) on :
 
Back when we only had two, we asked hubby's sister & husband. They were the best match out of all the family. Now we have four ... I don't know who could take four kids in, but I'd hate to see them split up. We've kind of put it off, too, because we don't know how to ask someone if they'd be willing to add FOUR children to their own family. And I don't know that SIL would be willing to do it anymore either, now that we've ... proliferated.

I'm more concerned with whether the overall beliefs and parenting styles match, than with whether they know our kids' favorite cereal, etc. My mom would be the ideal, except she & dad are getting up there and their health is not too good. Same with hubby's parents. I'm more likely to pick a family member or friend they've spent less time with, but that I trust, than pick my mom; she's a wonderful Nana, and the kids have spent time with her and love her, but she wouldn't necessarily be the best choice to raise them full time due to her work schedule and her health.
 

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Posted by HollowEarth (Member # 2586) on :
 
Don't die.
 

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Posted by Mama Squirrel (Member # 4155) on :
 
I can't tell you how relieved we are to finally be done with these decisions. Though it was a very hard process. It wasn't even that we couldn't agree on someone. Neither of us could come up with anyone that either of us were happy with.

We didn't want the guardian to be any of our parents, mostly because of age, but other issues were involved. We went through our list of siblings, but we just weren't happy with anyone on the list. I think it was Pop's Mom who mentioned going outside the family. We did go through our list of friends and then another couple's name popped in our heads and we both felt good about it.

Only our three sets of parents and my Step-Sister (who is the alternate) know that we picked someone outside the family. My Dad and Step-Mom have not said anything since we told them. My Mom has asked the most questions about how well we really know these people. She "says" that it is our decision and we have to be the ones who are comfortable with it, but...

Anyway, don't be afraid to look outside the family. You may find someone who believes more like you do, even if they don't know the kids and their routines as well as some family members.
 

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Posted by Pelegius (Member # 7868) on :
 
My parents chose my Godparents, with whom they shared no blood relation. edited to add:

quote:

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Traditionally, the godparents were counted informally responsible for ensuring that the child's religious education was carried out, and for caring for the child should he/she be orphaned.

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wikipedia.
 

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Posted by MandyM (Member # 8375) on :
 
Interesting topic. This is one we have put off as well. We informally asked hubby's best friend and his wife to be Godparents when Julia was born but they moved halfway across the country less than a year later and haven't seen her since.

My mother was annoyed with us at the time since she thought it should be someone in the family. I think she was just worried about not getting to see her anymore, which is understandable. I wouldn't mind having her do it I guess but I would rather have someone from my generation. For faith reasons, I would love to ask my cousin and his wife, but they have two young children themselves and it would absolutely insult my brother and his wife. My brother his wife are great but I don't really want them to raise my daughter. They do not attend church regularly which is important to us and they do not have the same parenting style we do. Ugh! I agree with HollowEarth. I just won't die dangit!

The only thing I am sure of is that my mother-in-law WON'T be raising her!
 

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Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
 
We chose my brother and sister-in-law. Several reasons.

One, these were people our kids knew very well and would be comfortable with, should the worst happen. Two, my brother is just as close if not closer to my mom than I am so I know my mother would still be a big part of the kid's lives. Three, my brother and sister-in-law share the same religious beliefs we do and that was important to us to know our kids would continue to be raised in a Christian home. Four, my sister-in-law is an accountant and our family financial and tax advisor and I know she would use the insurance money and money from our assets well.
 

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Posted by Soara (Member # 6729) on :
 
I'm 15 years old now, but I know who I will pick when I have kids, assuming no one better shows up in my future husband's family--my sister. She already has two kids, and I have seen what a good and caring mother she is. Also, when my brother's kid was on the point of being adopted outside of the famliy, she stepped right up and offered to adopt. Assuming I don't have more than 2 kids, I know she'd be willing to take in mine. That's what I based my choice on.
 

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Posted by Pelegius (Member # 7868) on :
 
On an only slightly related note:

While my Godparents were both Episcopalian, my sister's Godfather was Roman Catholic and her Godmother Chinese-Buddhist. During the Episcopalian Baptism service, the Godparent promise to help the child grow in Christ and in the Church, which I thought was a bit ironic.
 

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Posted by Theaca (Member # 8325) on :
 
I always wondered if I might be a godparent for my brother's children, when he had them, considering me and my parents are really the only close family either of them have. .

But now that they are having a baby, they have become Southern Baptist, and I am Catholic. So I guess I don't have to wonder about being a godparent anymore.
 

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Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
 
Unless you were planning on keeling over tomorrow, it hardly seems something that needs immediate action. Why not put it off a while, and see how things work out?
 

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Posted by TL (Member # 8124) on :
 

quote:

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While my Godparents were both Episcopalian, my sister's Godfather was Roman Catholic and her Godmother Chinese-Buddhist. During the Episcopalian Baptism service, the Godparent promise to help the child grow in Christ and in the Church, which I thought was a bit ironic.

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Clarification required. What do you mean by this, Pel? Maybe I'm still groggy from waking up, but I can't make sense of what you're saying here or why it might be ironic.
 

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Posted by Ophelia (Member # 653) on :
 
If the sister's godparents aren't Episcopalian (and the godmother is not Christian), then they are probably not going to do much to help her grow in the Episcopal Church.
 

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Posted by Theaca (Member # 8325) on :
 
Um, he means having a Buddhist and a Catholic helping an Episcopal child grow in his church seems a bit... difficult or something. Don't you think?
 

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Posted by TL (Member # 8124) on :
 
Well, he doesn't specify which Godparent made the promise, or which kid (Pel or his sister) was being referred to. If what you're saying is true, the irony is the assumption that the Godparent was lying, or incapable of fulfilling their promise?
 

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Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
 
Or just taking advantage of the fact that the promise doesn't specify which church.
 

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Posted by Anna (Member # 2582) on :
 
You could decide on common (and close!) friends to avoid the your-family-my family discussion.
 

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Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
 
Man, I was really glad when my little sister hit 18, and I never had to have any more discussions with my mother about taking care of her if she and my father were to be in some horrible accident.
 

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Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
 
Huh. I've never given this a thought. Neither Cor nor I have any relatives other than my father (in his sixties and with a bad heart) and her parents (in their eighties). And we don't have any friends that close. (Specifically, we knowingly chose to care for special needs kids; I don't know that any of our friends would like to take on that challenge.

So, I guess we will simply have to not die.

(Or it's back into foster care they go . . . )
 

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Posted by Wendybird (Member # 84) on :
 
This is a tough one we haven't answered yet either. I know who won't be getting our children but we don't know who will be yet. I don't want to offend any of my family but none right now would raise our kids how we want them raised. We just keep praying we don't go together.

My dad always jokes if we double date with my brother and his wife (since my parents often watch all 5 kids for us) that we all have to take separate cars just in case!
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 

quote:

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My Mom has asked the most questions about how well we really know these people. She "says" that it is our decision and we have to be the ones who are comfortable with it, but...

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