Tues, the 28th, is Fat Tuesday. It's also the 1st anniversary of our baby boy's stillbirth. I just don't knwo what to do, I'd be confused anyway, but having this first one fall on a day I have always celebrated with the last sweets and meat I will eat for 40 days, makes it even harder. How can I be celebratory? OTOH, how can I not? I know I want people over during the day, but don't know what Brian wants. His philosophy since the memorial has been "If we don't talk about it, nobody's thinking about it and we're all HAPPPY." Nothing seems right, I am so conflicted, and getting weepy for the first time in weeks. Somone help me?
Posted by sweetbaboo (Member # 8845) on :
I don't really know what else to say or do except send you big hugs and just to let you know you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
I realize there are religious issues involved. But does one day more or less really make a huge difference in the grand scheme of things to God? If you are horribly worried I'd celebrate Fat Wednesday. Otherwise I'd celebrate Fat Friday. I think it would be appropriate to mourn on this Tuesday anyway, because it meant so much to you, and could be quite cathartic. Maybe a personal "fat wednesday" and then when having people over on Tuesday, it could give you another way to reach Brian when you explain to all the others why you don't feel like sweets that day.
AJ
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
You could have the celebration the day before, and add that day as a personal fast day. I think that's what I'd do. It would seem wrong to deny my feelings and not mourn. But you need to do what feels right to you.
Posted by Christy (Member # 4397) on :
You know you want people over during the day for comfort or for celebrating?
I would definitely pull Brian aside to sit and talk about how he's feeling and let him know that you are definitely still mourning your son.
Perhaps you both could have a small prayer/meeting/ceremony with your pastor and pray for your son to have a time of mourning before having a celebration?
It is always a sharp pain around times of celebration and joy to know that one you loved is not there to share it with you. I wish you peace in your time of mourning and joy in your time of celebration, in remembrance that life is full of both joy and sorrow. (and I don't mean that to be as cheesy or unhelpful as it sounds *hugs*)
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
It seems to me that it might be important for you to recognize in some significant way your baby's death, whether it's for the whole day or a half hour or whatever feels appropriate and right to you, and distinctive from Fat Tuesday celebrations.
My religion doesn't include Fat Tuesday and Lent, so I don't personally understand the importance of them, so I can't offer any relevant opinions to that.
I don't know what the answer is for you - you're the only one who can make that decision. Good luck. Posted by Kama (Member # 3022) on :
Um, I don't know if this is any helpful at all, or indeed appropriate, but in Poland, instead of the Fat Tuesday, we celebrate Fat Thursday (the last Thursday before Ash Wednesday -- this Thursday?). Maybe, just maybe it would help you to celebrate this instead?
Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
Thank you.
I am going to call my pastor tomorrow (she is off today)and ask her to join us somehow. I think I want people over to just recognise and bear witness with us- the friends who were there so much in those first few weeks and months, the ones who kept bringing meals, who have always had a listening ear. It's true I can make my traditional doughnuts any day, I can start Lent a day later or earlier (and I do Lent more "religiously" than any other Lutherans I know-my family always had)
I think I'm cinfused, don't knwo what to do, and feel that whatever I do that's not ignoring it will upset Brian.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Well, you really need to talk to him about this, then, and let him know how important it is to you to commemmorate it.
I know Easter is going to be really bittersweet for me this year, and my husband probably won't remember why until I remind him (although he doesn't do it out of malice, he just doesn't think about it as much as I do.) But if I explain to him that I'm going to have mixed feelings now and then, I think he'll be more ready to accomodate me and maybe even cry with me.
Posted by Mrs.M (Member # 2943) on :
romany, do you think you would feel better with some sort of ritual or ceremony? In Judaism we commemorate the anniversary of a loved one's death in a number of ways, including lighting a yartzeit candle. I've always found this very comforting. Maybe you could do something similar? I'm sure your pastor will be able to help with something like that.
About Brian... I think you should invite him to share in whatever you choose to do and let him decide. I know you want to be considerate of his feelings, but you also have to consider your own feelings. I don't think there's a "right" way to mourn, I think everyone has to figure it out for themselves.
I'll be praying for you.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Wow, I love the idea of a little remembrance ceremony with a candle.
Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
quote: In Judaism we commemorate the anniversary of a loved one's death in a number of ways, including lighting a yartzeit candle. I've always found this very comforting.
I like this idea. My best friend- the one who stayed with our living kids while we were in hospital- is Jewish, so I'll ask her about that.
(((kq)))) I will be thinking of you this Easter.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
(((hugs back))) And I'll be thinking of you on the 28th.
Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
So* I finally forced B to talk, and he agreed that if I was simply insisted on honoring the day, we could plant a tree. He did say he thought that was ridiculous, as he hadn't planted a tree or anything of the like for any of his other dead. (Well, I didn't give birth to any of his other dead, did I? But I didn't say that, it's not worth it) So now that I've talked to him, I will talk to Pastor Steph tomorrow and see if she might be willing to bless the tree, or something, and I will sure do the candle.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
I'm glad you've got something worked out, romanylass. Be gentle with yourself and Brian.
Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
The be gentle with him is hard. I know it's right, but sometimes his personal way of grieving feels like "not-grieving" to me. I have to bite my toungue a lot. But aside from the male/female differences, he's from a very stoic, don't talk about emotions or any bad things type of family.
(Edit-gahhh! Why can't I speel tonight?)
Posted by Boon (Member # 4646) on :
I don't really have any useful information or advice, but I wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you. I haven't forgotten. Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
romany, my husband had the same kind of upbringing. His father died when he was 3-- and his mother just stopped talking about him or being in touch with his family. That was her way of coping. I know it can be hard for me to understand why he doesn't get mad or sad sometimes-- especially since I know he can be a very emotional person. He just doesn't show it.
I wish I had something that would help. I don't. I'm sorry. (((Hugs)))
Posted by Space Opera (Member # 6504) on :
I'll be thinking of you too, romany.
I wish I had something wise to say, but I don't. I think planting a tree and lighting a candle will both be lovely. I hope they will both serve as a remembrance and a symbol of your babe's spark of life. Maybe it's weird to say, but even though he was born still he lived in you for many months, and you knew him best. I think male/female differences complicate mourning here, but I also think father/mother differences do as well. Much peace to you and your family.
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