I am, as most Hatrackers know, gay. Ish. I do have a girlfriend. Let's call it selectively bi.
I thought from the beginning it would be, er, uncouth to say anything about cute guys around her, besides making things awkward. But good lord, when she starts raving about hot Italian boys at the Olympics, can't I at least make a few comments?
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I'd say yeah, you can make a comment or two, but don't overdo it.
-pH
Posted by MidnightBlue (Member # 6146) on :
Does she know that you're "selectively bi"? If not, she might be a bit confused. I'd say that if she feels okay making those comments to you, there's nothing wrong with you making those comments to her.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I don't think it matters if she knows he's selectively bi or not, as long as the comments aren't too...overtly sexual. I dunno. I think it's fine if a guy can say another guy is attractive, no matter what his orientation.
-pH
Posted by aspectre (Member # 2222) on :
"er, uncouth"? Why the "er,"? And why would "things be awkward"? Cuz if the answer is "she doesn't know", you are being a MAJOR jerk. As in, very closely approaching true evil.
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
Consider : If you were completely straight, would it be appropriate to make comments on the hot girls at the Olympics? Since she is talking about the ones she finds attractive, I don't think you could be criticised for doing so. Therefore, it is not inappropriate for you to point out the hot boys. Drool away. Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
Conversely, if you are made uncomfortable by her comments, then it is inappropriate for her to say anything, and you should make her aware of this.
(OK, I could have edited. But... that wouldn't increase my postcount!)
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
quote:Originally posted by aspectre: "er, uncouth"? Why the "er,"? And why would "things be awkward"? Cuz if the answer is "she doesn't know", you are being a MAJOR jerk. As in, very closely approaching true evil.
If she doesn't know, I could agree with the jerk part, especially if there's sex and/or sexually transmitted diseases involved. But approaching true evil?
Gee, I associate true evil with men who rape children or produce kiddie porn or murder people, or kill their children or other family members, or lock kids up in closets with no food, water, or access to sanitation facilities.
I hope you're kidding about the approaching true evil bit.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
He's not being a major jerk. Obviously he's concerned about what she'll think, and knows she needs to know on some level, and that's why he's asking. Nothing "true evil" about worrying what people's reactions will be. Being gay does not include a duty to inform the world as if it is some kind of infectious disease.
My advice is this: Alot of people, guys and girls, equate being bisexual with being less interested in monogomy. I have a some bisexual friends, and I have known a few to use this as a way of avoiding serious commitments. ie: I can't settle down with a girl because I like guys, or I can't commit to a guy because I want to be with girls too. To me it seems no different than me, as a straight guy saying, I can't commit to you because there are other good looking women out there too! Thus it is my experience that some bisexual people will use their bisexuality as an out from their relationship, a kind of excuse to break up, or let their partner know that they can't be completely satisfied.
Letting your partner know they aren't "enough" for you, or they aren't the epidomy of attractiveness to you is a bad idea IMO. Let her know that you have been with men, but do not say that you will be with men in the future; in other words don't -commit to- not being able to commit to her.
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Oh, she knows the "selectively bi" thing. She appreciates it--I've heard her bragging jokingly that she managed to turn me straight. And I fully plan to be monogamous. And I'm a virgin, so no risk of disease.
See, there's an odd dynamic to our relationship. She harbored a crush on me the whole time I had my little sexual identity crisis, and I started dating her eventually because I realized that while I don't like girls in general, there are some girls I do. She knows this. On the other hand, when I, for instance, start singing Rent or such under my breath, she'll laugh and say "You're so gay."
To which my immediate response is to let go of her, say "Oh wow, you're right. Ben, meet me in the corner in ten minutes for makeout." At which point she pulls me away from said guy laughing.
See, I just don't want her to have reason to doubt me. I can keep it joking, I know, and she won't mind. But I feel like it has to be warranted, or it doesn't sound like jokes anymore.
Posted by Carrie (Member # 394) on :
So she knows and is comfortable with it. (Actually, that's awesome, so good for you - and her!)
In that case, go for it. Some of those Italian boys are quite dishy...
Posted by Evie3217 (Member # 5426) on :
I agree with Carrie. As long as the comments aren't too overtly sexual and make her uncomfortable, then why not? They are pretty hot, I have to admit.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
It is certainly OK if you find all kinds of people attractive. But it is not very nice to be talking about how hot someone else is when you are with your girlfriend (or boyfriend). If I were out with someone who kept commenting on other people's bodies, it might make me feel as if I were being compared, and unfavorably at that.
So, go ahead and appreciate the scenery all you like, but keep any comments low-key, to avoid any hurt feelings.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
KEPT commenting is key though, I think. I don't mind the occasional comment now and again. But it's also more acceptable if you're talking about celebrity-type-people. I'd get much less annoyed about a guy saying that Mystique check was hot than I could about him saying Sally who lives next door was hot.
-pH
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
They won't be overly sexual. And I only make these comments in response to her making the same to me. She says that Italian guy is hot, I agree with her. If she's talking about guys to me, well, I can talk back. And not about guys we know, of course.
See, I'm just kind of confused. Back before we were dating, she and I talked about guys together, the standard "Oh wow, Orlando Bloom is so cute" sort of thing. What she's doing now rings close to that, but now that we're dating, not sure how to respond.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I'd say you can still respond in the same way.
-pH
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
quote:Originally posted by Joldo: Back before we were dating, she and I talked about guys together, the standard "Oh wow, Orlando Bloom is so cute" sort of thing. What she's doing now rings close to that, but now that we're dating, not sure how to respond.
How about you say something like "Before we were dating, I felt comfortable talking about men with you, but now that we are dating, I'm not sure that I do. I guess I'm afraid that it wouldn't be nice to you. Does it bother you if I join in? And would you please let me know if it does start to bother you? Because that's the last thing that I'd want to do."
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
...or you can do that first, if you want to look "sensitive" and "caring." Wuss.
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I'd say that if she feels okay making those comments to you, there's nothing wrong with you making those comments to her.
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