This is topic I'm torn (self-centered advice topic). in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.

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Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Remember that thread I posted earlier about a restraining order?

Well, as I think I said, that guy was my last boyfriend. I dumped him in June or July.

The harrassment lasted from the beginning of December until about a month ago.

The thing is, I found out that he has a girlfriend. I've never met her, but he mentioned her to me when we were together, and I guess they've been friends for a while. They've been dating since at least the middle of December.

I feel terrible. I want to contact her and tell her what he's done, but I feel like then I'd just be the vindictive ex or something. I'm sure that if she even knows that I ever existed, he's told her, in true ex-boyfriend fashion, that I am a raging psycho. But I mean, I feel like...I don't want him to betray someone that I've only heard great things about. I feel bad for her. At the same time, I feel as though if she's been friends with him for so long, she has to at least be somewhat aware of the kind of hedonistic person he is. I mean, I don't know they're situation. Maybe they're just "like that" as a couple. But still. He seemed to get so jealously hostile when he found out I was seeing someone's strange.

I don't really know what to do. And really, I'm only a selectively confrontational person. And it's not like I want to tear apart either of their lives. On top of that, I really don't want to deal with him contacting me again to tear me a new one, either.


Posted by Alcon (Member # 6645) on :
Leave it be. It's not your business and little to no good can come of you contacting her.

If I was going out with someone and their ex contacted me to tell me horrible things about this person, I'd tell them to go to hell. If I'd been friends with the person for a long time, even more so. It's even possible that he's different with her than he was with you and they are happy together (unlikely, but possible).

So just don't worry about it.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
It's not about him being different with her than with me. It's about the fact that he tried to get me to have sex with him for over a month while he was apparently dating her. That's why I kind of feel like it IS my business. I feel like I'm partly responsible in some way for his blatant attempts to cheat on her. The thing is, it's not me warning her about how he treated me when he and I were together. That's not really an issue. It's what he's doing (or trying to do) now that he's with her.

Posted by Alcon (Member # 6645) on :
Still with the don't worry about it. You're not responsible in any way for his behavior. He's the one who acted like an ass and wanted to cheat, you said no and then put a restraining order on him.

If you really think your concience will not allow you to not try and warn her, then get her e-mail address and fire her an e-mail explaining things and saying you thought she ought to know. Don't be surprised if you don't hear back or get back a really nasty e-mail though. Once you've done that, wash your hands of it.
Posted by Celaeno (Member # 8562) on :
I agree with Alcon. She probably won't believe you. Telling her would probably be more for you than for her. Do what you need to do to clear your conscience, and then leave it be.
Posted by Nellie Bly (Member # 9129) on :
I think if it were me who was going out with this guy, I'd want to know.
Posted by Celaeno (Member # 8562) on :
I'd want to know, too. But if my boyfriend told me that his ex-girlfriend was insane and then this ex-girlfriend contacted me seemingly out of the blue to tell me that my guy was stalking her, I'd probably dismiss it.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
The Intellectual Whores said it best: "you tend to believe the person you're sleeping with."
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
This is true; it's very likely that she wouldn't believe me.

Gah, I just feel like...I have documentation of everything except the phone calls. I kept everything (emails, text messages) in case I had to take legal action against him at some point.

I feel like I might have encouraged him somehow. I just feel responsible, like I said. I've been the "other woman" a few times before, and it's always been entirely unknowing on my part.

(Random anecdote) This one girl...I slept over at a guy's house; we were friends (so I thought) before I went to college, and when I came back I ran into him, and he had suddenly gotten attractive. Anyways, I left around 9:15 in the morning. At 10am, his girlfriend came over to his house. How did I find out? I changed into a pair of jeans I had in my car because I wasn't comfortable sleeping in a skirt; it wasn't like we'd removed any clothing, and I wasn't about to risk sleeping and rolling over and him seeing London and France. When I left, I forgot to bring the skirt with me, and she found it. He'd cheated on her before, and she'd gotten really good at figuring everything out. She actually found me on Myspace and messaged me to tell me the situation. She even arranged for me to show up at his house three weeks later while she was there as a nasty little surprise, since he wasn't returning my calls regarding the return of my skirt. She's a really nice girl; we're friends now. She dumped him.

I don't know; I have always felt really bad whenever I've found out that I'm in this kind of position. Usually though, I'm more afraid of the girl's reaction than the guy's.

Gah. Maybe I could call one of his guy friends to say hey and ask how the group is doing and...I don't know...kind of get a read on the situation that way?

Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
pH, unless you think he's going to physically harm her or emotionally abuse her, I'd stay out of it. Guys like that sometimes like to manipulate the system, and you don't want a complaint filed against you.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Would he even be ABLE to file a complaint against me? I've made no threats towards him whatsoever, and I don't think that one email to a girl constitutes harassment.

Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Yeah, he could lie though. I'd just want to stay out of his life if I were you.

Sorry, I've had some bad experiences. I tended to attract creeps before I met the love of my life. [Smile]
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
If the new girl seeks you out and asks, well, then, of course, full disclosure is in order.

But otherwise, you have cut all ties with this guy. Have nothing to do with him and do not interfere with his relationships. Because a stalker really doesn't need all that much encouragement to believe that you are still interested in him.
Posted by dem (Member # 2512) on :
"I knew she still liked me. She is trying to break up my new relationship so we can get back together!"

Do not contact the girlfriend in any way. It would be a huge mistake.
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
Thirded, fourthed, whatever. Stay out of it. You have no responsibility here at all.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Look, if he was physically abusive or would somehow be dangerous to his new girlfriend then I'd say warn her.

But if his harassment has been non-physical, then I agree - leave it be. Don't get involved in his life again.
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
I agree that it's none of your concern, and that she wouldn't believe you, and that you would come off as vindictive. Let it be.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
*echoes last three posts, FWIW
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
::adds voice to the growing chorus::
Posted by aspectre (Member # 2222) on :
Gimme a break. He's outta your life, leave it that way and be glad of it. The odds are overwhelmingly HIGH that his new girlfriend ain't gonna believe anything beyond his "She's been stalking me ever since I dumped her."

And no, she ain't gonna believe email copies. It's way too easy to spoof a senders name&address.
Posted by David G (Member # 8872) on :
For what it's worth, I agree strongly with Tante. Having had experience litigating protective orders, I can tell you that the last thing you want to do is to involve yourself any further with your ex-boyfriend and his dealings. I recommend staying way.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :

Leave well enough alone and move on.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
Add me to the list.
Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
You warn her, she dumps him, he flies into a psychotic rage, tracks you down, kills you, and leaves you for the squirrels.

Stay out of it.
Posted by maui babe (Member # 1894) on :
Me too (added to the list).

You'll probably meet up with this woman some day and have some similar stories to swap, but telling her yours now will only cause you grief, and do her no good.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Eh, I honestly don't think I'll ever meet her. Either way, you guys are right. I think the biggest sources of internal conflict for me are guilt and the knowledge that if it were me, not only would I want to know, but if I were the least bit suspicious, I'd probably already have figured out that something was going on.

But you're right. He's nuts, and I really shouldn't do anything that might encourage him, on top of the fact that she probably wouldn't believe me.

Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
Look on the bright side. You've managed to bring about that rarest of Hatrack events: unanimity. [Big Grin]

Except for Nellie. There's always someone... [Roll Eyes]
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
And thus, my plan is complete. After uniting the masses, I will lead the revolution and overthrow the capitalist oppressors!


Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
So that's what consensus looks like.
Posted by Alcon (Member # 6645) on :
Wow... I'm astonished. I don't think I've ever seen that before...
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
ack. Too much drama!

PH- drama is only exciting and interesting in the moment, next time you feel yourself getting amped up about something or someone, intentionally let that one slide. Against you dramatic instinct, let the really juicy situations pass you by, you'll be happier.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Originally posted by Orincoro:
ack. Too much drama!

PH- drama is only exciting and interesting in the moment, next time you feel yourself getting amped up about something or someone, intentionally let that one slide. Against you dramatic instinct, let the really juicy situations pass you by, you'll be happier.

Uh. There's no "drama" happening, and I absolutely hate that use of the word. I wasn't getting "amped up" about anything, and I'm plenty happy. Thanks.


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