Hatrack River Forum: At home alone and happy about it, I think...

This is topic At home alone and happy about it, I think... in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/main/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=2;t=042197

Posted by SC Carver (Member # 8173) on :

I’m introverted by nature, and as I get older I find I would rather be alone more than with others. Is this a bad thing?

I am not a recluse, but I enjoy my down time. I do have a few friends and I spend time with them and my family, but I find myself craving time to be alone. When I come home from work I find myself hoping that my brother, who lives with me is not there. Now at the age of 33 I am not sure that I can see myself as a family man. The idea of coming home to a wife and kids has its benefits, but to have to do it everyday seems like, I just don’t know… I haven't had a serious girlfriend in years and for the most part that doesn’t bother me.

Another example… this weekend I am going out of town, my cousin wants me to be the godfather for her baby. I was driving about 4 hours there by myself and that was the part I was looking forward to the most. Now my Grandmother who is going to the baptism also, has worked her way into riding with me and I feel like the weekend is ruined. I am sure I will have fun and the trip won’t be bad, but the idea of not having any down time for the entire weekend seems like torture.

So I guess I am asking, is one personality type better than another? Is a life of the party extrovert better than a wallflower introvert? I know each has its different strengths and weaknesses.

When does understanding who you are and going with it give way to being weird?

Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :

Personally, I'm an introvert, but I can't stand being alone. I prefer having a few friends around me to being totally alone. Alone time is nice every so often, but if it occurs too often it bothers me a whole lot. I could be a weird introvert though.

Posted by MandyM (Member # 8375) on :

I am not an introvert but I highly value my downtime so sometimes I seem like one. I would much rather sit at home than go out.

Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :

SC, my husband, Fahim, and I are very much both loners like you. We both prefer being homebodies with no one else around and can handle other people in small doses only. But married and living with each other is so much better. I can handle him being constantly around to the point that I prefer him being constantly around, and he's said the same thing. Neither of us could handle other people, though.

So what I'm basically saying is that just being an asocial loner isn't enough to say you won't find a compatible mate. It's possible.

Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :

SC, I have a good friend who is an introvert married to an extreme extrovert. She told me once she couldn't imagine having as many kids as I do because she couldn't take that many people around her all the time.

She and her husband both understand that she needs downtime, especially when she arrives home from work. She always takes a little while to herself when she gets home, and has some "decompression time" before she throws herself in to the role of wife and mother.

They make it work, because they love each other and accept that they have different personalities. So it's definitely possible to have a family, just make sure your mate understands how you are and what your needs are.

Posted by Kristen (Member # 9200) on :

My friends and I call ourselves extroverted introverts. Essentially, we can socialize comfortably, but only on our terms and reach a limit of excess socialization more quickly than get bored on our own. I don't think either is better--the ideal is self-awareness of whether you crave solitude or company at a particular time and being able to adapt as best as possible.

The key to relationships in my experience (always with fellow introverts) is respecting each other's need for down time and for him to realize that if I want to read a book and not talk for 3 hours, it's nothing personal!

Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :

I'm a half and half I guess. I cherish my alone time, and am very very much a homebody. But when my best friend comes home from school on breaks I tend to spend a lot of time with her.

Part of why it's so hard to find someone for me, is that I hate going out to clubs and bars and what not. I don't like the giant throngs of people, but where to introverts gather? I'd much rather just stay home and make a nice meal and watch a movie with someone than go somewhere crowded.

Posted by SC Carver (Member # 8173) on :

Thanks for the responses.

Don't get me wrong I do enjoy the company of others, It's just that after an extended period of time surrounded by them I get drained.

One reason I keep a roommate is so I am forced to be social. I am aware that if I was left to my own devices I could become a total loner.

Where do introverts go to meet? The same places everyone else does, the problem is we don't tend to interact with strangers that well or often so we don't end up "meeting" anyone.

Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :

quote:
Originally posted by SC Carver:

Where do introverts go to meet?

Hatrack?

Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :

Amen.

Posted by Pinky (Member # 9161) on :

@Uprooted and Lyrhawn: [ROFL]

Sometimes I feel like an anti-social freak because I know a lot of people (my flatmate and her friends for example) who love to have people around whilst I really appreciate the time I'm alone. They just can't understand, that I find it kinda boring and exhausting, too, to spend so much time with others. That I rather read. They think I'M boring. Or, at least, my interests. They are no readers.

But I'm everything but introvert.
It's easy for me to get to know people, to START conversations with strangers. But the people I'd like to spend more time with, the friends I've known since I was a child and my family, live in other parts of the country, thus I get my share of contacts with human beings by calling them, email, University and Hatrack [Wink]

.

I had to get used to be alone, because my family moved so often when I was a teenager. I didn't want to be an outsider in school, and I usually managed not to be, although I felt kinda uncomfortable; I never had to FIND friends before, they've always been just a part of my life when I was a child.

Since then, I've always been three or four years older than most of the people I work with.
I made my Abitur (School Exam after 13th grade instead of 10th or 9th), although I didn't intend to study in the first place. That's why I was older than most of the other apprentices, when I made an apprenticeship in a hotel -> outsider. (for most jobs, only the exam after the 9th or 10th grade is necessary)
Then I decided to study when I was 23, so now I'm older than the students who started their studies right after school. *sigh* No peers in sight.

I'm convinced I won't find the one I want to spend my life with before I'm 30. Family with 33, 35? And he'll probably won't be German, too, for I intend to live abroad (Scotland or Sweden) after my studies. Lucky me, that 40 is the new 30, so I don't fear of being left on the shelf. [Wink]

One has to be patient, that's all. My mother didn't find the love of her life, who's not my father, before she was 35! There's still hope, I think. [Smile]

Is there?

Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :

Fahim and I met when I was 35. Over the internet, of course. Because I downloaded his software. That I had problems with. And his help section sucked. Anyway...

Yeah, there's hope. [Smile]

Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :

quote:
So I guess I am asking, is one personality type better than another?

Honestly, it does seem to me that introverts are in general more anguished and less happy and well-adjusted. They appear to have more trouble fitting into society -- which isn't surprising, given the definition of their personality type. But I don't think that this means extroverts are "better;" it just means that they'll generally find it easier to deal with people, which after all is definitionally true anyway.

Posted by oolung (Member # 8995) on :

Pinky, I feel exactly as you do. When I'm by myself I don't get bored; there are so many things to do! But many people don't understand that: wne they are alone, they feel unhappy and think about precisely HOW unhappy they are, and so they assume with me it's the same and in fact I'm unhappy as well, only I won't admit it.

Please, have some understanding for introverts! [Smile]

(oh, wrong people to plead with: you all DO understand it)