We have a large arena. There are podiums. There are microphones. There's even a persuadable audience. We've also included a variety of concealed traps and mazes, with a few archeological clues, and filled the place with weaponry of all sorts and attractive love interests.
Atticus Finch, Indiana Jones, and James Bond take each other on in a battle royale. Who'll win?
My opinion: Atticus Finch. First off, he's Gregory Peck. Nobody messes with Gregory Peck. He has The Stare. This one. It can kill a man, easy. Plus he has a microphone, and that boy can rouse the mobs to destroy itty witty Jones and Bond.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Indiana freakin' Jones!
-pH
Posted by aiua (Member # 7825) on :
I second Jones.
Posted by Luet13 (Member # 9274) on :
Indiana Jones would totally win. Following your logic, Joldo, he's Harrison Ford. Who wants to mess with Harrison Ford?
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Gregory Peck does. Gregory Peck in his prime was twice the man Harrison Ford could hope to be. If old Greg had been president when they took Air Force One hostage, he would have spotted them and incapacitated all of them in a matter of minutes.
On the other hand, this makes James Bond a small army of men . . .
Posted by Mr.Funny (Member # 4467) on :
I keep waiting for someone to throw in Chuck Norris.
Bah. I guess I just did.
Posted by Luet13 (Member # 9274) on :
Oh, and which Bond? You must mean Sean Connery, because any other Bond is not getting anywhere against Harrison Ford. Or Peck, I guess.
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Chuck Norris wishes he was Gregory Peck. At night he cries thinking how insignificant he is in comparison. But he burns those tears away, in case someone tries curing cancer with them.
Posted by starLisa (Member # 8384) on :
Mr. Rogers in a bloodstained sweater.
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Pah! The Ultimate Showdown never took Gregory Peck into account.
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
Chuck Norris could have won the Ultimate Showdown. He let it seem that Mr. Rogers had won, knowing stupid old Rogers would kill himself at the end.
After the camera cut away, Chuck Norris got up, used his spit to raise all those people from the dead, and they are now his undead minions.
He can kick anyone's butt by himself though, so he just has them take care of his house and iron his tube socks.
Posted by MyrddinFyre (Member # 2576) on :
As for James Bond, he would stand on the sidelines and watch the rest go at it, drinking a (shaken, not stirred) martini and smiling amusedly to himself. There's no reason for him to get his suit rumpled.
Posted by Princess Leah (Member # 6026) on :
(first off: Joldo, you are brilliant. This question just officially made my day, even if no one reads my novel of a response.)
Psh. Atticus is not either Gregory Peck. He's Atticus Finch. Movie is good, but book is so much better...so sorry, no. Besides, he'd be all responsible. Probably the only one to actually question *why* they were in an arena trying to kill each other, and with that hesitation he'd be lost. Bond, with the license to kill and the orders to do so, would freaking do so. Should he for some reason not, Indiana Jones would take care of him. Now, Indiana might have some banter beforehand, but he's all motivated and stuff. He'd shoot first, as soon as Atticus even *tried* to rouse the crowd against him. Atticus would have the opportunity for maybe 1/2 of a condemning sentance before being shot...and unless Atticus shoots first, which he wouldn't, because look how long he took to shoot the *rabid dog*, and rabid dogs present way fewer moral qualms than handsome and charming men of action. He's dead as soon as he starts playing his strenghts, which means he has no chance.
The question is, would Indiana Jones get his patootie kicked by Bond? I feel that this is a multi-level question. First off, to my knowledge there are no Indiana Jones books. That means that the hardcore we see in the movies is the whole story. In the Bond books, he's much less all-around successful than in the movies, I think. Being books, and subject less to the hero:villanous minion bullet ratio of Hollywood, Bond has--let's face it--less of an edge in his literary incarnation. So this counts against him. Bond has also been played by a veritable crowd of people, himself. Shall I, as I did in the case of Atticus Finch, take into account only the representation of Bond that I feel is best? For this question two has a variety of answers. In Atticus's case, I chose *not* to use Gregory Peck, because as good as his performance and the movie were, I prefer the book and its portrait of Atticus more. However, I have no doubts that, as Joldo predicted, Gregory Peck would, in an all-out battle with Mssrs. Bond and Jones, dominate more (slightly more) than his counterpart.
So, the question of Bonds: I feel that the Pierce Brosnan Bond has a higher chance of prevailing over Indiana Jones. The technology grew much better over the years--Bronsnan's Bond just has more, cooler, and more useful gadgets. However, stripped of thier own personal gear and forced to use only the gear in the arena, Bond (whichever one) would lose an advantage. I shall assume, for the purpose of my prediction, that all three characters are without weapons of thier own, and the only ones avaliable for their use are those in the arena (as in, Indiana may have access to a whip, but not *his* whip, and he has to find it in the arena first).
So, advantage of technological progression aside, the most hardcore Bond is Connery. Easily. Luckily for me, he is also the best Bond in the sense of being most entertaining and best for the part. (I could go all Buffy-Season-Six on ya and explain why, but I'd have to acknowledge that the Paul McCartney Bond song [which rocks] is associated with not only the worst Bond [Roger Moore], but also, in my opinion, the worst Bond film ever made. So I won't).
So, the final debate is between Connery's Bond and Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones. Who will win? Hmm. There is no denying that with Connery as Bond, the "inherantly cool and edgy and resourceful" quotient goes up. As I see it, with the loss of all outside and personal weapons, Bond is hit the hardest in terms of fighting ability. But Connery is hit the least hard of the Bonds. We all know that Indiana Jones tends to get out of tricky situations using, shall I say, local weaponry, when in the same situation Bond would likely pull out a handy-dandy technological plot contrivance. Barred of this option, it might appear that Indiana's slapdash style would carry the day.
But there is another complication: the "good hero" question. Not that both Bond and Indiana are not exremely good heroes, in an entertainment sense. But how many Bond movies do you seen end favourably for him due to his "goodness" in the face of supernatural forces? Granted, I haven't seen them all, but I recall not a one. Bond wins the overarching battle because he's the hero with the tools/balls to get the job done, but Indiana Jones wins the overarching battle in Raiders, Last Crusade, and I could argue Temple of Doom as well, because he is "good", or more to the point, "not a completely evil Nazi or human sacrificer". Bond is not a clearly cut morally good person (this is even mroe evident in the books, from which I will continue to draw, because they are the root of Bond even though I choose Connery). Bond wins because he has the strategic advantage (although this advantage includes his personal concealed weaponry). Therefore, I still cannot pick a favorite between Jones and Bond: they each lose advantages that take care of many of their battles outside this new set up.
Archeological clues present no more of a problem for Bond--he knows his stuff. Not as much as Professor Jones, but enough, I should think, to get by. If not, he could use a love interest.
Here, I feel, is where the deciding factor is. Mssrs. Bond and Jones both have a history of deciding badly which of the lovely girls throwing themselves at them they should trust. Yet, they also tend to find out just in time and then use the inside knowledge (*immature giggle*) the girls supply about the enemy's forces. (And had I not dismissed Atticus Fince before, he would now just...dissapear. Gregory Peck is a fine man, but no. Sorry, no.)
So, in my mind, it comes to this: Were I one of the "attractive love interests" playing a part in this battle, whose side would I (*another immature giggle*) come down on? Well, Bond looks more dapper in a suit then Jones will ever hope to, but during a fight one gets sweaty and wounded and scruffy. Bond, handsome and sexy as he is, tends to look more desperate to win than "I am a rough and ready scrappy hero. Do me". No one should deny that the look Indiana gets in his eyes is exactly that one when he gets into it. It hurts, it pains me to turn away from Connery, but I must.
The battle, it goes to... INDIANA JONES.
(not even counting complications wherein Mr. Jones gets confused and emotional due to the strinking resemblance of his enemy to his dear, if nagging, father.)
[Yes, I occasionally write fanfic. No, I do not publish it and sell it on Amazon. Why yes, I *am* trying to procrastinate on something. How did you know?]
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
In conclusion, Princess Leah, will you marry me? You don't have to love me for me. I'll just love you for your physical beauty and personality, and you can love me for . . . well, I don't have many lovable qualities.
Posted by Princess Leah (Member # 6026) on :
You've never seen my physical beauty; perhaps you should reconsider and see if you can just love me for my personality.
Marriage is a big step, but... I'll think about it. Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
How about your hawt, steamy lovin'?
quote:Gregory Peck in his prime was twice the man Harrison Ford could hope to be.
If a man who was twice the man Harrison Ford is were ever to come into existence, the universe would implode.
-pH
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Actually, I think the three of them would take one look at your stadium full of nonsense and ride off in the Astin Martin to find a bar somewhere.
It is only at this point that the contest would begin. Key events would be:
1) Who gets to ride shotgun -- Ford or Peck (it's Bond's car afterall). Peck would let Ford ride in front out of sheer niceness, but also knowing that the seat has a tendency to pop out of the car at high speeds -- that's British engineering for ya.
Bond scores +3. Finch +1. Ford -1.
2) Which bar to drink in. I suspect they'd start out in the lobby bar of the swankest hotel in town. Something overlooking the waterfront. Or maybe with a view of the pool. Then they'd do a pub crawl. After several challenges from Atticus Finch, they'd all declare that Bourbon is the REAL MAN'S drink and you really can't get a good martini anymore since people started fooling with the recipe and throwing vodka in there. <shudder> But, they all agree that the seedy dive had the best bar snacks, so this round ends in a tie between Ford and Finch. Bond is designated driver, but loses points for failing a field sobriety test and having his license suspended.
Finch + 3; Ford +3, Bond -3
3) After throwing Bond's bail, only to discover that he never actually made it to his cell, and that they've just handed over vital credit card information to the man himself, in disguise, Ford and Finch try to pass it off as something they "knew all along." Ford blinks first and begs Bond not to steal his identity...again...not after that last time... Finch remains cool and retains points for demeanor.
Bond +3; Finch +1; Ford -3
4) MI-6 (or are we up to 7 now), calls Bond on the embarrasingly placed "trouser phone. He can't hear the call over all the laughter. Worse, in zipping up, he severs the connection. He leaves the room with a dangling dongle.
Bond -3
5) The last stop for the night. They return for the floor show at Ford's favorite dive. The main attraction is "Scout" all growed up! Bond says some British twitlike quip about being a talent Scout. Boo (the Bouncer) Radley decks him. Finch makes a scene trying to get Scout to reattach something...um, anything... Scout leaves with Ford during the melee.
Ford +5; Finch -1; Bond -3
Scores:
Ford +5 Finch +4 Bond -3
Posted by Princess Leah (Member # 6026) on :
quote:How about your hawt, steamy lovin'?
This is what I'm sayin'.
Posted by Princess Leah (Member # 6026) on :
And what Bob is saying. I sense a theme. Ford=teh secks=teh win.
Basically.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Indiana Jones is Harrison Ford with glasses and, later, shirtless with a whip. He wins, hands down.
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Yes . . . but . . . but . . . look at Gregory Peck's manly stare. Gaze into those eyes. If they win by sex appeal, then he oughtta be tops.
*gives hawt, steamy lovin' to the Princess*
Posted by Princess Leah (Member # 6026) on :
*returns the favor*
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
quote:Originally posted by Joldo: Yes . . . but . . . but . . . look at Gregory Peck's manly stare. Gaze into those eyes. If they win by sex appeal, then he oughtta be tops.
You don't get it. There is shirtlessness involved. There is a whip involved.
Those two elements alone...
-pH
Posted by MyrddinFyre (Member # 2576) on :
Yeah, I haven't put my vote in yet, so let it be known - Jones *totally* wins.
Posted by FlyingCow (Member # 2150) on :
Jack Bauer, totally.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
Jack Bauer is a lamer.
Gregory Peck wins some prizes.
All of them lose to Paul Newman. Period.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
I am confused. Is this a fight to the death, or a contest on who gets to get frisky with the Jatraquero Wenches?
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Kind of both. The only way to really win a duel to the death is to get frisky with Hatrack wenches.
Posted by MandyM (Member # 8375) on :
OK so which of the three would be most likely to get frisky with Hatrack wenches?
I am voting Bond on that one. Any Bond will do.
Posted by Kristen (Member # 9200) on :
Indiana Jones was purportedly based off of an anthropologist from my college. So, eh, I'll show school spirit and vote for him. Besides, social scientists are underestimated .
Posted by SteveRogers (Member # 7130) on :
Indiana Jones wins because not only is he physically fit, smooth with the ladies, slow to his weapon but fierce when necessary, but he can put up with college students on a regular basis.
Anyone who can save the world and teach college classes at the same time is the boss.
(Post edited for Consistency)
[ May 18, 2006, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: SteveRogers ]
Posted by foundling (Member # 6348) on :
quote:Originally posted by MandyM: OK so which of the three would be most likely to get frisky with Hatrack wenches?
I am voting Bond on that one. Any Bond will do.
No no no. See, the real question is "Which of the three would the Hatrack Wenchs be most likely to get frisky with". See, Bond may very well be the most likely to get frisky, but thats only because he's got the taste of a tomcat on crack. I mean, come on.
Now, if my question is the most valid, then obviously Jones still wins. He's got the most votes so far. I wont deny that Atticus/Gregory is a beautiful man, and I can see some sweet lovin' going on quite easily. But the word used was "frisky". And can you really see getting frisky with Peck (hehehehe)? Too dignified. Jones, on the other hand, personifies hot, sweaty, frisky love. None of that rarified crap.
Posted by kwsni (Member # 1831) on :
Except that Indy doesn't teach high school.
Indy wins.
Ni!
Posted by SteveRogers (Member # 7130) on :
He teaches some sort of educational class in some sort of environment. I just assumed it was a high school because of the class room.
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
*gives Gregory Peck a crateful of snakes to set loose in the arena*
Posted by Evie3217 (Member # 5426) on :
I would have to vote Indiana too. But, it all depends on whether we're talking about the actor or the character, like Princess Leah said. Still, I think Bond is a little too much of a womanizer for me, and Indiana is just gorgeous. And I agree with the shirtlessness, and the whip. Mmmmmmmmm........
I, for one, would much rather get frisky with Indiana Jones OR Harrison Ford. There's nothing not to like, I mean really.
Posted by Luet13 (Member # 9274) on :
But even when Jones was faced with snakes, he overcame his fear and kicked some butt! Harrison Ford still wins, sorry Joldo.
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)