So my boyfriend has just left for Officer Candidate School. He'll be gone the next six weeks, with little to no communication. (Written letters, which is one cosolation, but that's it.) I *may* get to see him one Saturday sometime in the middle, but that's only if some stupid drill sergeant doesn't bust him for having wrinkled pants. Or something.
I'm already something of a wreck. I was a wreck last summer, when he spent two weeks in California at Mountain Warfare School. I found some solace in riding my bike, but only just a little. Other than that, I felt almost incapacited. I went to work and did just fine, published one of the stories I'm actually most proud of during those two weeks -- but I cried all the time and felt really overwhelemed.
I don't understand why this happens to me. I'm perfectly capable of functioning on my own. I've spent more than two weeks at a time apart from him -- over winter breaks, spring breaks, summer, etc -- even instances where he was on international trips with his family and couldn't really talk to me hardly at all.
In those instances, I'm perfectly fine. It's even nice because I get to focus on my own stuff and read for hours or whatever it happens to be. I miss him, of course, but my life still feels normal. I'm not overcome with loneliness.
There's something about him leaving for something military related that is just so overwhelming. I'm prone to burst into tears at any moment and can hardly handle reading news stories or watching at CNN piece on the war or soldiers for that particular reason. I'm preoccupied all the time and sometimes my hands shake.
What's the difference? It's not like he's in Iraq; I don't need to worry he's going to get hurt or killed. They are beating him up pretty good in training, which I hate, but I'm not scared for him.
The only thing I can come up with is that I hate being so out of control, that I resent the military for taking me away from him, or that I resent him for choosing to do something that forces him away from me. But really, I have no idea. All I want to do is make the loneliness *stop*, and right now -- it's unbearable. It makes me want to go to church and pray all the time, when on most normal days I'm not even sure I believe in God. I feel like I must be making this all up in my head and I really need to know how to make it go away.
Posted by Swampjedi (Member # 7374) on :
That's really rough, I'm sorry.
I don't really have any advice, because I've never experienced anything like that, but I can say you're in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by Dante (Member # 1106) on :
Being alone under any circumstances can be hard. Last year I moved across the country by myself for a grad program; my girlfriend of three years, with whom I'd been talking about marriage for a while, stayed behind. At the time, I was quite confident that she would soon be moving out here to continue our relationship, with marriage in the next year probable.
She never moved out here, and we broke up in January.
In the largest sense, being successfully alone--whatever the reasons--means you have to learn how to define your life in terms of nobody-but-yourself. It's hard. And, for me at least, it's not ideal; I'd much rather be charting and planning my life, current and future, as part of a couple (I had typed "team," but that was sounded too much like a locker-room pep talk).
In your situation, Kasie, maybe you could think of some ways to focus on two notably good points of your situation: having some time to be "by yourself" and the knowledge that your boyfriend will be coming back.
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
You need to think hard about staying with him permanently if he intends to make the military his career. And I don't say this to be mean or unsympathetic but if you have trouble with this then perhaps being a military wife is not for you.
I come from a long line of military families and I'm married to a firefighter who isn't around a good bit of the time, and if you can't take being alone at the least or enjoy it even (that's the best case scenario) then think about it, truly. There are reasons why military, police and fire have ridiculously high divorce rates. Some people just can't handle it. Doesn't make you a bad person, please don't think I'm being critical, but it doesn't sound to me like you really are cut out for the type of long absences that may be required in this relationship.
Can you handle holidays alone? Kids birthday parties? Can you handle him being gone when you're sick or pregnant?
The only advice I have is learn to treasure your time alone and appreciate it. You'll never feel smothered, that's for sure. Pursue your own interests, things that he isn't keen on while he's gone. I redecorate a lot when he's either out of the country on a mission trip or when he's pulling a double at the station - I'll paint and hang new curtains.
Or I'll simply curl up in a chair and read without interruption - something rare for a mom of four.
Find something that you can do that he doesn't really care for and learn to look forward to times when you can pursue your hobbies. Then him being gone isn't all bad - it's not just separation, it's time for you to focus on yourself.
Those that make these types of relationships truly work usually have very strong marriages. My friends in the fire department with wives like me that have learned to look forward to periodic absences are usually have marriages a lot of people wish they had. We may not be together all the time but we're a stronger couple because of it because we've learned how to appreciate and take advantage of the time we do have. And, when we're apart, we take care of ourselves as individuals so we're healthy, happy people on our own as well.
Good luck - I hope it all works out for you, especially if you do want to make a lifelong commitment with this man.
Posted by timothytheenchanter (Member # 7041) on :
other side of the story
i just figured, i'd offer the other side of what's probably going on for him, i'm in the navy, and currently on deployment to japan. just remember that he's probably missing you just as much, that no matter how it seems time does go by, july will be here in only a few more weeks.
oh, and to keep my mind off of it, i usually try to keep busy.
Posted by Kasie H (Member # 2120) on :
Belle,
quote:I come from a long line of military families and I'm married to a firefighter who isn't around a good bit of the time, and if you can't take being alone at the least or enjoy it even (that's the best case scenario) then think about it, truly. There are reasons why military, police and fire have ridiculously high divorce rates. Some people just can't handle it. Doesn't make you a bad person, please don't think I'm being critical, but it doesn't sound to me like you really are cut out for the type of long absences that may be required in this relationship.
Thanks. I appreciate the insight from someone who's done it before. And trust me, I've definitely considered that I'm not cut out for this. In fact, I'm almost entirely certain that I'm not cut out for this. Or maybe it's that we aren't cut out for this. I have no idea. And trust me, nothing you said was offensive. I appreciate it.
Still, it doesn't make it any easier. And I'm having trouble deciding between life without him, period, and life without him periodically.
Posted by Kasie H (Member # 2120) on :
timothy, Thanks. That means a lot. And whatever time you're waiting for will be here soon, too Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I think (and I just gave this advice to another friend!) that you should focus on branching out. Make it a point to hang out with friends and meet new people. I haven't ever really had a military guy for a boyfriend, but my rocket scientist works at least 80 hours a week, and he said that from now until the launch he'll probably be working at least 12 hour shifts. Days off? Forget it. He's taking a day off on Tuesday. Before that, he's had two days off since January. He doesn't get weekends.
I putz about my condo, which needs painting and gives me something creative to do. I have tea or drinks or dinner or see movies with other people, be they male or female. I just try really hard to make sure that my boyfriend isn't my primary source of out-of-the-house social interaction.
-pH
Posted by Rakeesh (Member # 2001) on :
The first thing I thought of when I read this was, "Do some charity work." I'm not sure why I thought that, exactly, because upon reflection it does not appear to address very many of the underlying problems of this situation. All I can think of is that for some people, really involved (hands-dirty difficult-labor kind of work) can really become a focusing fire. For some people, the bug (it's a good bug) can catch onto them, and that takes up a big part of their lives.
The more I've thought about it the less certain I am it's a very good suggestion. At this point I'm only posting it because it is still a good thing, regardless of whether or not it's a very good antidote for this situation.
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
Kasie, I appreciate what you're going through and I feel for you, hon. I hate that you feel like you're in this position of trying to decide if life with a military man is for you especially when you really love him, as I can tell you do.
You know, when Wes first got hired by the fire dept. I had a scanner in my bedroom and listened to it at night. So I was trying to fall asleep, and then I'd hear his engine number and that they're being sent to a shooting, with the assailant still on the scene and I'd wait up with baited breath to make sure he was okay.
Eventually I had to get rid of the scanner.
This paragraph you wrote:
quote:There's something about him leaving for something military related that is just so overwhelming. I'm prone to burst into tears at any moment and can hardly handle reading news stories or watching at CNN piece on the war or soldiers for that particular reason. I'm preoccupied all the time and sometimes my hands shake.
reminded me of those days. I had to divorce myself from it and just quit worrying.
Easier said than done, believe me I know. And you can't escape stuff about the military unless you intend to live in a closet, especially on Memorial Day.
I asked my stepmom how she handled it when my dad was in Iraq - she had no contact with him at all for two months. She said she just had to trust that he was okay, and that he'd come back to her and go about her life.
I am amazed at the strength of military wives. I honor them - I don't think this country gives them enough credit. Our fighting men would not nearly be as effective without the love and support of their families back home.
I wish I had some wonderful piece of advice for you, Kasie that would make things all better. Unfortunately, I don't. I do wish you well from the bottom of my heart.
(((Kasie)))
Posted by skillery (Member # 6209) on :
I live out of a suitcase about 50 percent of the time, so I can tell you what works for me...
Leave the dang TV off!
Posted by Kasie H (Member # 2120) on :
Belle,
You have no idea how much it helps to have someone know what it's like to go through something like this. My parents, who are very politically liberal (normally, I am too), don't understand how I could ever even date a military guy. I can't even talk to them about missing him because what I get is, "He picked that, you picked him, suck it up." Which is, to say the least, extremely unhelpful. Now I understand why military wives' clubs are such important support networks. I always thought it was kind of like a bake sale club or something silly, but it's definitely not. Regardless what happens with my relationship, I will have eternal respect and awe for military spouses. It's unbelievably difficult.
skillery,
I would love to, except that I'm now a reporter for a wire service. CNN is like oxygen during my workday - required for the life of the company. There's no escaping it.
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
I was planning on coming back here to talk about support networks within the military, really I was.
My mom, who lost her first husband in Vietnam and then went an married another Army helicopter pilot, has told me time and again that she'd never have survived were it not for the other military wives. They really take you in and you become family. In fact, after she and my Dad divorced she really missed the military. In that case, it wasn't the military life that drove them apart, she really loved it. Thirty years later and she still talks about the people they served with in Germany.
A lot of the network might not be as available to you since you're not married, but I would check around and see if you can somehow get in touch with the girlfriends and wives of other men in your sweetheart's unit.
Posted by Kasie H (Member # 2120) on :
Yes, that is definitely the plan. Since it's an ROTC unit, I'm already friends with a lot of the other (potential) Marines and their girlfriends, particularly one who's actually a fiancee. I think there's three or four of us total who will be in the area this summer, so I plan on seeing a lot of them. It makes everything much more bearable.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
I moderate a forum for my last ship. Being that it's underway (the ship), it is mostly full of Navy wives. Whenever we get a new member asking about how to handle the being apart the other wives help out. Most tips I have seen basically ride on one concept: Keep Busy. Finding hobbies, or hanging out with friends.
I can only imagine how tough it is for you. Like timothytheenchanter said earlier, on the other side of the story. My friend Scott, when we were deployed back in 2001 was a workaholic. When asked why, he told us that as long as he was working he wasn't sitting around missing his wife and two kids. For me, at least my fiance and I have a couple years before we have to worry about it that much. However, it has come up. We are going to try and have one of her friends or cousin come over and stay while I am gone.
Posted by Fishtail (Member # 3900) on :
CinCHouse is a good place to start on the web, looking for support for wives/fiancees/girlfriends of military folks, as well as women in uniform. Sadly, their support of male spouses of the military isn't that great yet, and so I don't have much use for them...but you might find it helpful.
Posted by jexx (Member # 3450) on :
Oof, Fishtail, that website is awfully...pink! Hehe. I hope that you can find a non-gender skewed website for military spouses (or maybe create one?) soon. Thanks for the link, though, I've bookmarked it.
I am a military spouse, married to a fella in the Army. He's stateside, though, so at least I don't have to worry about actual combat at this time.
I also am a liberal-leaning person, and have always been so. It's awkward sometimes, but I fell in love with my man, and that's the way it goes, I guess.
When I used to be involved in Family Readiness Groups, there were often girlfriends/boyfriends of military members involved. Don't feel that you can't go to the meetings because you are not a legal family member, I've never come across any sort of policy preventing that. I strongly urge you (if you decide to continue your relationship with this man, particularly if he goes overseas) to look into going to one of the FRG meetings.
Take care of yourself. If you have reservations about your relationship with this man, be honest with yourself, and with him. Military life is hard, but rewarding (IMO), as long as you are prepared to be challenged.
Posted by Kasie H (Member # 2120) on :
Fishtail,
Out of curiosity, what do you find hardest about being a male military spouse? I know there's not many of them and it seems they get excluded a lot. Especially the ones who aren't military themselves (does that describe you?). Anyway, I'm interested to hear about your life, and how you deal with this stuff.
Posted by Fishtail (Member # 3900) on :
Kasie,
I'm not a male military spouse, but I have one! It irks me as the one in the service that although they have renamed the Officer's Spouses Club, it's still very female-oriented. That's natural, I know, since most of the spouses still ARE women, but when some of the events they sponsor are "Ladies Only" things (like pajama-party themed coffee nights or golf tournaments), it doesn't help my spouse integrate very well into the support structure. He's a very good sport about it all, but if there were to be a "guys only" military-sponsored event, even for dependants, folks would be up in arms. Inclusion works both ways, or at least it should when it can.
And yes, the pinkness is also one of the reasons I don't haunt CinCHouse very often. But they often have useful info and in the forums people can ask the questions and get the (mostly accurate, eventually) answers.
And one final note: my spouse is also a self-proclaimed "bleeding heart liberal." But we love each other, we communicate effectively, and sometimes we agree to disagree after a spirited (yet respectful) discussion. I actually think it helped that we had a long-distance relationship almost immediately (I left for a year-long overseas tour 4 months after I met him).
Edit to add that if you'd like to talk to a male spouse, I can probably get him to post or PM or email or something...
Posted by Kasie H (Member # 2120) on :
Sorry for the mixup!!
Posted by Fishtail (Member # 3900) on :
No worries!
I contemplated being a military spouse at one point in my life, before I found a guy with a job portable enough to join me on the military adventure.
Edit to add that my spouse was/is a complete civilian, never having been in the military himself, in case anyone's interested.
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I do wish you well from the bottom of my heart. ![[Blushing]](graemlins/blushing.gif)