Sigh. It's always easy to give advice when it isn't your own kid having an issue.
My daughter, who is twelve, is gaining weight. She is not active. She hates sports. She loves snacks.
How much do I push the issue, and how much will the pushing of it make the whole thing worse?
Anyone? Any good websites on this? I can find no good ones.
She is not drastically overweight, and I am just no sure how much to worry. Should I take her back to the doctor?
Can anyone llok into the future for me, and see what she says about her mother to her therapist? (eternal fear of mine)
I have been a pretty bad role model in this area, though I was fit as a fiddle as a youth. I have revamped my athletic side of late, but is it too late?
Help!
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
quote:is it too late?
Absolutely not.
I have nothing specific, but I found this.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
quote:My daughter, who is twelve, is gaining weight. She is not active. She hates sports. She loves snacks.
What about sports does she hate? Does she simply hate being physically active? If she just hates sports, that might not be an issue; I hated sports, too, but managed to find physically engaging activities that interested me as a kid. If she hates being physically active, that's a problem.
quote:How much do I push the issue, and how much will the pushing of it make the whole thing worse?
I don't think there's a right answer here. There are people who will swear up and down that you need to force her to participate, whether she wants to or not, for whatever reason. There are people who will insist that exposing her to options and letting her make her own uninfluenced decisions is the best way to go. There are, of course, all the people inbetween.
You know your daughter better than any of us do. How does she respond to you in other situations? How do you typically behave in other situations?
Posted by Pelegius (Member # 7868) on :
All twelve year olds gain weight, the problem is that, with girls, they often do not gain enough height (boys, on the other hand....)
The most important thing to do is talk to her about your concerns and also talk to her pediatrician.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
Here is a short bit about getting your teen to eat healthy.
I would say that almost any "pushing" is going to backfire at her age. Try to find something active that she'll enjoy, and try to find healthy snacks that taste good to her, but be extra wary of anything she'll take as "nagging."
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
Off the top of my head, and backed by nothing, can you eliminate all but healthy snacks in the house? You say she loves snacks. . . if she's eating junk food now and you switch it to fruits and veggies, it's gotta help. Thing is, it would have to be a switch for the whole family. You can't let others have chips and pop and tell her she has to eat carrots, it has to be the only thing available.
Posted by Sharpie (Member # 482) on :
One thing you can start right now with no real cost outlay is to walk with her. It's a double plus (well, triple). It gets her moving. It gets you moving. And you are side by side. The absolute best conversations I have had with my adolescent children have been shoulder to shoulder on long rambles. No distractions from TV, phone, internet. It's awesome.
If you can help her to be fit now, you are giving her a real gift. One thing that helps with the snack issue is to enlist her help in the project. "We gotta work on healthy snacks. Let's go to the grocery store. Help me look at labels." Really, this does help.
And a lot of us go through a natural cycle of gaining weight before our last big height jump. So be careful that you are not being fooled by that . Snacks and exercise are the things you can concentrate on for sure that she can use no matter what her body shape is. Skinny kids need to exercise and eat healthy, too.
My doctor told my kids yesterday: "Oreos aren't food. They are entertainment." Posted by Sharpie (Member # 482) on :
ElJay, that is my advice -- always. If you want your kids to choose healthy stuff, especially when they are little, don't don't don't fill your shopping cart with Cheez-Its and Pop-Tarts. The packages are bright and shiny and filled with nothing. If the fridge and pantry have stuff like apples and cheese and whole grain breads, your four-year-old CAN'T drive to the 7-11 to get himself something else; he's stuck with that stuff -- and he'll love it.
Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :
Yeah, just careful on the cheese. Very calorie dense, and lots of fat.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
"fitteen.com" used to be a great site. Now it appears to be porn... Posted by Jeesh (Member # 9163) on :
quote:Originally posted by Pelegius: All twelve year olds gain weight
That's my problem.
Posted by Irami Osei-Frimpong (Member # 2229) on :
I'm going to jump on the healthy snacks bandwagon, but I also think that kids should play sports and an instrument, even if they hate it, so YMMV.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I agree with only putting healthy snacks in the house. My best friend growing up became overweight because both of her parents worked, so they always stocked their house with microwave pizzas and things for her to eat, and they were really into pastas and creamy sauces. Tasty, tasty things...but not good if they're the only thing a kid eats. And they make it harder to learn healthy habits later.
And also finding a physical activity that she likes. Maybe she's not into team sports? There are plenty of things she could do that don't involve being on a team.
-pH
Posted by Jeesh (Member # 9163) on :
How does an instrument help?
Posted by Sharpie (Member # 482) on :
quote:Originally posted by Jeesh: How does an instrument help?
Marching band maybe? Or lung capacity? Posted by andi330 (Member # 8572) on :
Speaking as someone who has taught music in a school I couldn't disagree more with your last statement. Both the sports and the music. Forcing a child to do something that they hate probably won't do anything but cause problems. Occasionally you get a kid who discovers that they really like music or this particular sport but more often than not you end up with a kid who won't participate and is disruptive to the students or players who actually want to participate.
Find something that she does like. Hates sports? What about a dance class. Jazz classes are great aerobic exercise. Even going on evening walks together. Some activity. But I would discourage forcing your child to participate in a sport that they hate if only for the sake of the others who really want to be there.
Edited to state that post was in response to Irami's post. I don't type fast enough apparantly.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
quote:Originally posted by Jeesh: How does an instrument help?
I was in Pipe and Drum Corps. We marched. A lot. In parades. While carrying and playing bagpipes. Well, and then we lost our bass drummer, so yours truly got to lug the bass drum around. Oh, it was exercise.
-pH
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
With my teen, who also put on a few pounds around age 12, I've tried to avoid making weight an issue with her. I encourage her to eat healthy and exercise, but I encourage the whole family to do that. The thing is, I'm in control of what she eats. She has no money, no way to go shopping on her own so if she eats junk food all day - I have to take responsibility for that and quit buying it.
So, we've pretty much eliminated junk food from our house in the last month or so and are focusing on smaller portion sizes at dinner and grilling more. I also walk with her at the park.
She is a dancer, and wants to try out for the dance line at high school (part of the marching band) so at least she has some sort of physical activity she likes. She also enjoys Pilates and is starting to lift weights.
What I've found to work with her is to focus on long term health benefits and not make it about her appearance at all. I would never say "You need to exercise you look fat." Instead, I make it a family affair and say "We all need some fresh air and exercise, let's go to the park." I find I don't really run into any resistance that way.
Posted by Jeesh (Member # 9163) on :
quote:Originally posted by Sharpie: Or lung capacity?
Just don't play perrcussion...
I don't know about other schools, but where I live, we don't do marching band until high school.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Great comments, thank you.
I really think my biggest concern is what I can say that will harm her inside.
Today, we did do a forced exercise thing, which ended up being a major wake-up call for "I am getting in such good shape" me.
We went to the high school track. I told her she had twenty minutes to walk, run, jog, skip, or hop the mile. (4 laps) Every minute she could shave off of that was a dollar towards a movie with her friend.
Darn it, I am out five bucks already, and realize that I need this mile as much as she does. More! My son just zipped around the track like it was nothing, so I told him he has to add sprints. He is so into that.
She loves being ouside, riding bikes, walking. She just hates competitive sports. She just doesn't get them at all. I wish I could find a rock climbin class for her, because she has loved that since she was little. She has expressed interest in martial arts, and today, what came on but an ad for fencing.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Fencing is good exercise. Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
"The thing is, I'm in control of what she eats. She has no money, no way to go shopping on her own so if she eats junk food all day - I have to take responsibility for that and quit buying it."
Yes, Belle. (and others)
We have decreed the house a No Crap Zone. And it comes down to me getting off my butt and cutting up vegetables and fruit. She loves smoothies. My son, who is only 9, is anti-junk food, so he is easy.
Posted by Jeesh (Member # 9163) on :
Speaking of weight...
I'm trying to get in better shape for Cross-Country season and lose weight. I'm going to the grocery store later today. What should I get?
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dagonee: Fencing is good exercise.
yes! I am hoping it might spark her five year interest in (obsession with) pirates when she was little.
Posted by Irami Osei-Frimpong (Member # 2229) on :
quote:How does an instrument help?
Playing an instrument helps everything by introducing a kid to a sense of excellence, and I think that excellence is a transitive quality that'll help a kid want to keep his or her body in good stead.
It's the same reason that athletes, on the main, do better in school than burn-outs.
I'm neither a scientist nor a parent, so I can't speak from any serious authority, but I'm telling you what I see and think.
Posted by Jeesh (Member # 9163) on :
I have so many reasons to blast my trumpet now...
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
quote:Originally posted by Elizabeth: Great comments, thank you.
I really think my biggest concern is what I can say that will harm her inside.
Today, we did do a forced exercise thing, which ended up being a major wake-up call for "I am getting in such good shape" me.
We went to the high school track. I told her she had twenty minutes to walk, run, jog, skip, or hop the mile. (4 laps) Every minute she could shave off of that was a dollar towards a movie with her friend.
Darn it, I am out five bucks already, and realize that I need this mile as much as she does. More! My son just zipped around the track like it was nothing, so I told him he has to add sprints. He is so into that.
She loves being ouside, riding bikes, walking. She just hates competitive sports. She just doesn't get them at all. I wish I could find a rock climbin class for her, because she has loved that since she was little. She has expressed interest in martial arts, and today, what came on but an ad for fencing.
You mentioned she hates sports, but honestly, though I run cross-country, there's little I find more boring than running around a track (hence cross-country rather than, say, sprints). I don't think she'd keep that up on a regular basis.
A lot of kids when I was starting high school were forced to play football their first year, and though many whined, it's a REALLY good way to make friends and get a ton of exercise. I don't think many left the team their sophomore year. Is there no way she'd consider playing soccer or volleyball? It's rarely important that she's good at it, just there and friendly, and she should have a pretty active social and physical life.
I was a pudgy kid in middle school too (and didn't like sports), but I played high school sports anyway -- and honestly, it's made all the difference. I think she'd thank you for pressuring her into a sport, if you do.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Liz, I'd be happy to visit and bring gear with me so she could have a mini-lesson to see if she'd like it (I'd also bring Nathan) and I'm sure your nine-year-old would be interested too. Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on :
Jeesh, you should ask your parents and a doctor before trying to lose weight, or change your diet.
Posted by Jeesh (Member # 9163) on :
Mostly I'm just trying to eat better. My house is like Junk Central. My parents and sister do no sports, and just eat whatever. My brothers and I are very active, but I don't eat as well as I'd like. Cross-Country is coming up, and I'd like to be able to keep up.
Posted by sweetbaboo (Member # 8845) on :
An experiment I'm trying with my kids this summer is that they have to eat their 5-8 fresh fruits or veggies before they can snack on anything else (I have a chart with the number 1-5 beside their name where they can cross off when they eat it). Everything is cut up and ready to go inside the fridge or on the countertop, we're in week one. Wish me luck?
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Mack, that would be awesome!
Posted by Stasia (Member # 9122) on :
You're doing the right thing not pointing out her gaining weight. She knows already. If she's like I and all of my friends were, she spends all day comparing herself to her peers. You're already doing things right which is to not single her out and to make the whole family participate.
It's actually really good that she likes being outside and doing some types of physical activity. That makes it easier for you. All you have to do is find a way for her to be involved in something that gets her moving several times a week. Martial arts are great if you can afford the classes. Track, cross country, swimming, or some sort of hiking or biking club are good too, if they have those for middle-schoolers. That way she gets to meet people with similar interests as an added benefit. Maybe she would even be into working out by herself (once trained on the equipment) at a gym or the YMCA. I think some of those places have teen classes.
I was a painfully shy, unathletic kid, even though I loved track, hiking, karate, and being outside. Team sports were an unending source of terror, mortification, and lesson (given by my peers) in how badly I sucked as an athlete and as a human being. Do not force her to participate in sports against her will. (Unless you really think she will excel once she gets into them or you sense she doesn't really *hate* them, but is a only little hesitant because she fears to try something new).
Besides, can you really make a 12 year old participate in sports if she doesn't want to? You can make her body in in a certain place at a certain time and you can probably make her mouth stop making sarcastic comments, but can you make her participate, enjoy it, or keep going once you lose interest in making her (which you eventually will unless you're made of steel).
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
erosomniac wrote:
"You know your daughter better than any of us do. How does she respond to you in other situations? How do you typically behave in other situations?"
This is the crux of the thing for me. She knows ME as well as anyone, and knows that, if I mention eating healthier, I think she has a problem, otherwise I would not mention it.
So I can't really play the "just sneak healthy foods in" game, becasue she knows the game plan. I have to be direct with her, and I am, as gently as I can be, while calling her on any passive aggressive stuff she throws at me. I listened to A Prairie Home Companion a few weeks ago. There was a line which came out of a comedy routine which hit the nail on the head for me and my daughter.
"But, Mother, I don't want to be a performer." "All girls are performers for an audience of one: their mother."
All those years of drama programs, watching Broadway musicals, studying Disney characters, they were all just practice for THIS.
Posted by Stasia (Member # 9122) on :
Sweetbaboo,
That is the best idea ever! I don't have kids but I might actually have to use that one on myself since I never get enough fruit and veggies during the day.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Stasia, thanks. I might be able to stop the sarcastic comments, but could I erase the looks on her face? ha ha.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Good luck, sweetbaboo. As a teacher, I am all about The Chart. I also love The Timer and The Incentive. This is why the mile run/walk thing works for me.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I like the sports and an instrument, but I think it's too specific.
I do think all kids should be encouraged to do something physical, something intellectual, something practical, and something creative. The categories overlap a little bit, but I those things are part of a balanced life.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
quote:I'm trying to get in better shape for Cross-Country season and lose weight. I'm going to the grocery store later today. What should I get?
Whole wheat mini bagels or bread Frozen chicken, easier if boneless Fresh broccoli Fresh fruit Frozen corn Fat-free light yogurt or cottage cheese Tuna fish Fat free miracle whip or mayonaise Cans of pinto, black, red, or kidney beans If you don't drink enough water, bottled water
That's just an example. Basically, you don't need to shop in the middle aisles at all. Go around the outside edges of the store and buy ingredients instead of ready-made food. You need carbs (whole wheat), protein (beans or lean meat), and fruits and vegetables. Don't get the junky stuff - spend your fun food allotment on things to dress up the ingredients.
Posted by Sharpie (Member # 482) on :
I like Katharina's list and would add: something for others. Volunteering, charity, what-have-you.
Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
I'll see if I can get Ivygirl to post here, Elizabeth. She was very pudgy when she was 12, and didn't start "caring" about it until she was probably about 15, but has made some pretty drastic changes on her own and feels so much better now (as well as having dropped quite a bit of weight). Maybe she can give you more from a teen perspective.
I know one thing I had to do, as a parent, was to ALLOW her to ride her bike more (I tend to worry too much) -- this was not only the only exercise she enjoyed, but that quite time on the bike seems to help her emotionally, as well. Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
There has been awesome advice here.
I know I always talk about my pcos, but when we finally discovered it, my mom was really upset because she noticed me gaining weight when I hit puberty, and she had no idea what was causing it and didn't even think of hormonal changes. It's likely that it is just lifestyle that is causing your daughter to gain weight, but considering her age, I would recommend that you have her checked out by her doctor just in case. PCOS symptoms start creeping up in puberty, usually, and it's easier to stop it when it starts than down the road.
I know this is my particular "cause" and I see it everywhere, but it's better to be safe than sorry, right?
Posted by Zamphyr (Member # 6213) on :
The sneaky way :
Get her a cute puppy that will grow into an energetic medium/large size dog, preferably one that will enjoy long walks.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
She would love a puppy, and begs for one regularly. We are actually probably going to get a Shepherd this Christmas, but a three year-old. My old landlord offered us to have one of the females that she no longer breeds.
Farmgirl, I would love to hear from Ivygirl.
Dag, I loved that website. What I like was "stop gaining first." And I think that is how I shall focus it. She is growing, so as long as she follws the "house rules," and exercises, she should get back on track.
Katarain, what is pcos?
Kat, I love your list. It is how I was raised. I would change Sharpie's addition to "something spiritual," or maybe even something outside of the Self?
Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
Well, she probably doesn't have it, but as I said.. it's sort of my cause, since if I had known back then that I had it, things woulda been different for me.
PCOS is Poly-cystic Ovarian syndrome--it's kind of a misnomer, though, since you can have it and not have cysts on your ovaries. It causes a myriad of symptoms, and women who have it usually have 3 or more of them. Weight gain is a common one. I get a lot of useful info from www.soulcysters.com. It's basically a hormonal imbalance, to put it simply.
There's nothing in your daughter's case that makes me think that, except for the weight gain--and that could be caused by anything! I'm no doctor, obviously, I just suggest it because it happened to me.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Thanks, Katarain. I am sorry you went through(are going through?) this.
Posted by Paul Goldner (Member # 1910) on :
"Speaking of weight...
I'm trying to get in better shape for Cross-Country season and lose weight. I'm going to the grocery store later today. What should I get?"
How often and far will you be running? How much do you weigh, how much do you want to weight, and how old are you?
If you are in high school, and will be taking cross country seriously or semi-seriously, you are going to need a large caloric intake once you get into season.
Your diet should be about 55-60% carbs, 25-30% fat, and 15 protein.
Whole grains are far more healthy for you then processed wheats. Find whole grain pastas, breads, cereals, and crackers, and substitute those for the grain currently in your diet.
Cheeses, yogurts, nuts and peanut butter, and milk are the backbone of your protein intake. Beans and meats are also good. Start eating tuna fish. One can of tuna 3-4 times a week will really help your diet.
As you get more serious, don't worry about the fat content on the cheese, yogurt, or meat you are eating... if you start running 5 miles or more a day 5 times a week, you'll need almost 1000 calories of fat a day, or something over 100 grams. But don't add junk food to supplement your fat intake.
The key is to eat healthy foods instead of what you are normally eating. The fastest way to improve this is to substitute whole wheat grain products for whatever you eat now, change your snacks from junk food or chips to yogurt, cheese and crackers, or fresh fruit, and adding vegetables to your meals.
Check out this site for some basic answers to questions.
End of week one for the fruits and veggies chart before snacking and it is working fabulously. Most of the time they are too full to want other snacks and I think it's helped us all be more aware of eating things that are better for us. This week at least, treats have been just that...treats.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Great! Day three of Paid Running is today. It is also going well. My goal today is to have my son only lap me ONCE instead of twice. (grrrr)
Posted by aspectre (Member # 2222) on :
More later but for now, some thoughts on family meals Posted by Stasia (Member # 9122) on :
I second all of Paul Goldner's comments except one. I personally would not eat 3 - 4 cans of tuna per week. Canned (and fresh) tuna can contain high levels of mercury. I seem to be remembering Jeesh as being a teen girl (sorry if I'm wrong!). The FDA has put out an advisory that children and women of childbearing age should limit their canned tuna intake to 2 average sized meals/week of light canned tuna or 1 average sized meal of albacore tuna (plus some other type of fish that week) per week due to potentially dangerous levels of mercury.
While the FDA does not seek to limit the amount of tuna that teenagers eat, it should be noted that their brains are still growing. Additionally, if Jeesh is a female who eventually wants to have children, she should try not to build up mercury levels in her body because the mercury doesn't go away immediately when you stop consuming it. It can linger for years and if levels are high enough, damage a fetus. I've stopped eating tuna entirely. I've replaced it with canned salmon and a variety of fresh fish on the "lower mercury" list.
The first link is to the official government guidelines. The second is consumer report questioning whether the guidelines are adequate. The second link also does a better job of explaining what mercury does and what fish to eat instead.
aspectre, thanks for posting that article and making me feel good, for once, about decisions my husband and I make. Too often, as parents we second-guess what we do, but this is one thing we've always believed was important.
At the dinner table, everyone gets a chance to talk about their day and if they don't volunteer the info, we coax it out of them. That leads to some eye rolling, especially with the teen, but I do think it's important for her to know that her day and her thoughts are worthwhile and that we want to hear them.
Posted by Paul Goldner (Member # 1910) on :
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