I was talking to my best friend Kara earlier tonight, and somehow or another she jokingly called me Mr. Abandoner (because I "abandoned" a movie the two of us both really liked). So anyway, I said that should be my superhero name: The Abandoner.
Anyways, this is what we came up with: (Apologies for the conversational style)
Me -The Abandoner. How'd you like to be resuced by HIM? Kara - Lol Me - "Thanks for your help, but you know that cave entrance is still collapsing...wait..where are you going?!"
Me - If I'm The Abandoner, what are you? Kara - The Procrastinator! "::whines:: I'll rescue him laterrrrrr!!"
Me - What would she be? The Avoider? "Help!! Help! ::Avoider deftly evades::" Kara - "Look! Danger! Let's go that way!" Me - "Perhaps if we ran away, it would help to diffuse the situation."
Me - The Avoider, The Procrastinator, and The Abandoner, together they make up the most ineffective fighting force known to man! All we need to join the force is Apathy Man and the Willful Ignoramace.
Me- Now you're: The Instigator! I'd love to be rescued by the Taunter "Help! Help!" "Wow, in a bit of a jam there aren't you?" Kara - "Oh. OH. What. What. You want... help?! Like, my help?! Well guess what you're not getting buddy!"
So who would you NOT want to be rescued by?
Posted by CaySedai (Member # 6459) on :
The Tally-keeper (I can't think of a good name)
"Okay, I'll rescue you, but now you owe me a favor. Don't forget I rescued you last month, so that will make two. Oh, and there was that incident back in 1982 ... "
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
The Insurer -- Okay, we'll need the last 4 digits of your social security number. Today's rescue may be monitored for training purposes. Oh, and you'll have to rescue yourself for the first 10% of the rescue, or until your rescue deductible has been met, whichever is greater.
Now, before we proceed, is today's rescue the result of a pre-existing condition?
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
The New-Age Emotional Supporter --
Hey, don't feel bad. Lot's of people need rescuing. It's not your fault. In fact, if you think about it, this rescue is really just another proof of how interconnected we all are. Like a beautiful tapestry, we're all interwoven. Okay, now, what I need you to do is imagine you're in a safe place...
Posted by TheTick (Member # 2883) on :
The Streaker.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
The Politician
"Let me have my constituents take a poll to see if it is in my best interest to rescue you at this time."
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Captain BO
"save me, save me, but from a distance, a big distance."
Posted by The Pixiest (Member # 1863) on :
The Flatulator. He can fly, but only by flapping his arms. He has to carry you with his legs. (Straight to the fart joke. I'm such a hack.)
Script Kitty. She uses other super hero's techniques but doesn't really know what she's doing so she has a tendancy to screw up and get people killed.
Captain Stalker. He rescues you, then won't leave you the F*** alone! "Hey there babe, you KNOW you owe me your life, right? *chk* *point*" *shudder* creepy. Maybe he hangs out with Cay's The Tallykeeper.
Pix
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Then there is Bob's secret identity---
"Punster, come quick. The plane's engine has died and its falling."
"It can't be falling, its only summer. And its not a plane, why it looks like a 3 dimensional object to me. And the injun's died? Who killed it, some flying cowboy?"
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
The Accident-Pronester
"I'll save you!...
...Oops!"
Posted by Demonstrocity (Member # 9579) on :
quote: Script Kitty. She uses other super hero's techniques but doesn't really know what she's doing so she has a tendancy to screw up and get people killed.
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
The Zealot: I'm here to rescue you! Endangered Person: Hooray! The Zealot: Just as soon as you agree with everything I am about to explain to you. Endangered Person: Can't you just rescue me now? The Zealot: No, that would be wrong. You can only be saved if you believe as I do. Let's start at the beginning...
Posted by Puffy Treat (Member # 7210) on :
The Incontinent Seven and the Male Strippers of Justice are two hero teams not to be called upon in times of peril.
Posted by Gwen (Member # 9551) on :
John Holt talked about The Helping Hand (as in "The Helping Hand strikes again!"): someone who helps someone who genuinely needs help, but then comes to define the person as someone who needs help and so goes on to "help" them with things they don't need help with and then later with things they don't want help with. They start out pushing your wheelchair or helping you across the street, they end up spoon-feeding you because you can't do it yourself. He was making a larger point about adult-child dynamics and parenting, but that's definitely not a superhero I'd want to be rescued by.
Posted by plaid (Member # 2393) on :
Amway Man
Posted by Architraz Warden (Member # 4285) on :
The Stone-thrower:
"You know, I wouldn't have had to wake up at 6 in the morning if you hadn't gotten yourself kidnapped, tied up, and placed on an active railroad track. And are you wearing SOCKS with SANDALS?!?!??"
Posted by airmanfour (Member # 6111) on :
The Amputator:
"You'd give your right arm for what?"
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
The Legal Eagle:
"Squawk, Herewith I, the party of the second part, known as the hero, shall save the party of the first part, from henceforth called the victim, from a fate equivelant to or worse than painful death in exchange...
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
The Telemarketer (The Insurer's Sidekick):
"Now before we get to the rescuing let me just ask you a few quick questions about your time in peril. Is this your first time in peril? On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the peril?" "Ten! Ten! Now rescue me!" "Just a few more questions, choosing from a menu of unlikely, somewhat unlikely, likely, somewhat likely, and likely, what is the chance you imagine of wanting to become in peril again?"
(Bob's is my favorite)
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
The Elementary School Teacher.
"Before I rescue you, you must be color-coded and laminated. However, we have just run out of money for the laminating machine, so you will have to wait until we ask the school committee for an emergency override."
Posted by PSI Teleport (Member # 5545) on :
The Student-Hero.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
I am TicketMaster. I'll save you -- for a price.
StairMaster, by the way, trumps Ticketmaster, because even if TicketMaster sells him seats way up in the nosebleed section of the highest bleachers, StairMaster can make his way up there, no sweat.
Posted by Demonstrocity (Member # 9579) on :
Someone with reasonable drawing skills should really illustrate some of these!
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Rotten Fish Man Smallpox Man The Bitter Ex Melancholy Man Undiscerning Boy
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
The Whiner.
"I'll try to help you, but the flames are just soooo hot. And nobody everr hellps meeeee."
The Fran Dresher Voice Impersonator.
"Please, shut up or throw me back into that pit of ravenous were-weasels."
Doc Social-Darwinist.
"Please, if you need to be rescued it clearly shows that you deserve to be in peril. If you can't rescue yourself than your removal from the gene pool will improve humanity."
Commie Man-ifesto.
"I swear to rescue all comrade's equally. Just some rescue's are more equal than others."
Posted by Ecthalion (Member # 8825) on :
Ego Man: alias of Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt
"help, help!"
"hold on, are the cameras watching?"
"what are you talking about im in need of help!"
"should i come in at the left or right side? I want to make sure my physique is perfectly shown"
"Im burning alive!!!"
"maybe i should have worn tighter clithes, these dont do me well. Perhaps i should have just come naked, make the whole world envy me.
"Dude the gas line is gonna blow wont you do something?"
"What about my hair? I cant rescue somone looking like i just got out of bed. Hmmmm? you say there will be an explosion? well i should probably get out of here then, i woulndt want to have an unsightly scar or singed hair."
"@#(&@#)$)@*Y$)*@#)%^(&!!!!"
Posted by Palliard (Member # 8109) on :
Liability Man: he might save you, but he comes with his own possibly-worse problems.
A close runner-up, as a matter of historical curiosity, would be Captain Jinks of the Horse Marines.
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
Dr. Phil and his sidekick, Oprah Winfrey
They will save you, but they will have to discuss it with your family first, and you will have to confront your family, or they will have to confront you, and you will have to break down in tears. But don't worry, when you die because it took them too long to save you, Oprah will give your family lots of money, and maybe a new car.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
Inferiority Complex Man -
"I WOULD save you, but I'm sure somebody better can do it."
Posted by Gwen (Member # 9551) on :
Ms. Manners: "Help! Help!" "What's the magic word?"
Posted by Jeesh (Member # 9163) on :
The Advisor-
"Save me!"
"Are you sure you want me to?"
"Yes! Please!"
"You should think this through, is this the best choice?"
"Yes! Save me!"
"Are you sure I'm the best one to do it? There might be som-"
"Just save me!"
"You shouldn't interupt people like that, it could get you into trouble one day"
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
And the Advisor's counterpart, The Therapist: He speaks only in I-Statements:
"What I hear you saying is that you are in danger. I feel anxious when I see that you are in danger. I feel like running away when I realize that your danger might in some way put me in danger. I feel guilty when I feel like running away, because that makes me feel like a coward. However, I am out of here."
Posted by Eduardo St. Elmo (Member # 9566) on :
Captain Fantastic
Because most of the dangers he perceives are only present in his own mind, his attempts to act the hero tend to have only comical effects. Leaving the person in distress without a solution to his/her plight.
(Do Not Adjust Your Set)
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
Expectant Father Man -
"Help, please save me!"
"I'm here to save- ::BEEP BEEP BEEP:: Oh come on, now? I'm having a baby!"
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Stronger than either Captain America or Captain Marvell its...its...
General Misery. (Moonlights as a motivational speaker)
You get yourself out of your own trouble or you'll end up like me.
Living by myself...
in a van...
down by the river.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
Haha, General Misery's real name is Matt Foley?
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Elizabeth wins the thread.
(Although it was close.)
Posted by Flaming Toad on a Stick (Member # 9302) on :
I think my screen name would make a pretty bad super hero. Not many people would want to be rescued if it meant getting covered in slime, burned and poked by a sharp skewer. Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
This entire thread was genius. Thanks guys.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
The Hatrack Kid:
"Ok, ok. I'll be there in a second. Just one more post, and refresh, and oh, a new Gay Marriage thread."
Posted by JennaDean (Member # 8816) on :
Does this thread remind anyone else of "Who's Line is it Anyway?"
I keep seeing Wayne Brady jumping in as The Flatulator ... and Ryan Stiles as the Accident Prone-ster. "Oops!"
Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
quote: I'd love to be rescued by the Taunter "Help! Help!" "Wow, in a bit of a jam there aren't you?" Kara - "Oh. OH. What. What. You want... help?! Like, my help?! Well guess what you're not getting buddy!"
I think they've made a TV show about The Taunter already -- but they call it House.
Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
The Drama Queen.
"Help! Help!" DQ: "What, me? You want MY help? OMG, that just makes me feel so . . . (gets teary) wow, like you want ME to save you? And all this time I thought you didn't value me as a person! (hits speed dial on cell phone) "Hey, you'll never believe this, so and so is in grave peril here and he's asking ME to save him!"
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
quote:Originally posted by Uprooted: The Drama Queen.
"Help! Help!" DQ: "What, me? You want MY help? OMG, that just makes me feel so . . . (gets teary) wow, like you want ME to save you? And all this time I thought you didn't value me as a person! (hits speed dial on cell phone) "Hey, you'll never believe this, so and so is in grave peril here and he's asking ME to save him!"
Really good work Uprooted!
The Blue Teenager:
You: HELP SAVE ME!
TBT: what...? I'm sorry I'm writing a poem about my girlfriend, she dumped me 4 weeks ago, I think I might turn this into a song for my band.
You: I NEED HELP NOW! IT BURNS!
Don't yell at me! You don't understand what its like! She meant everything to me! And now she is dating the biggest jerk in school! Ill never be happy again, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
Posted by Elizabeth (Member # 5218) on :
I love this thread, too, because it is a sort of reborn "Make up your own crappy superhero" thread which is nowhere to be found on this forum.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
For some reason the Blue Teenager made me think of the Angstinator, which I imagine would be about the same thing. That for some reason led me to:
The Existentialist!
"Help, I'm stuck here!"
"Why are you there?"
"Because some villain tied me up and put me here?"
"Why am I here?"
"To rescue me!"
"Why are any of us here? What's the point of all of this?"
"Oh just kill me now."
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
SuperTot: This two-year old superhero is sometimes helpful, but sometimes a holy terror. Known to ignore requests for help if a supervillain holds out a bowl of ice cream, SuperTot also throws temper tantrums in which small cities are destroyed, stops in mid-air on her way to the rescue to inform everyone that she needs to poop, and won't help people if she doesn't like them, she is distracted by a toy, or it's too close to her naptime. Sometimes she accidentally locks herself in her bedroom, and she often covers her eyes or says, "Uh-oh!" instead of helping when there's a disaster.
Posted by GaalDornick (Member # 8880) on :
Hippie Man
"Help! Help I'm dying!"
"Dude, just chill out. It's all going to be fine. Whoooaaah, you know if you hold your hands out and tilt your head you look like a unicorn with its colors shooting out like stars."
"Please help me, my car will explode any minute and the doors won't open!!!"
"You know, cars are all a government conspiracy made to keep us in fear about oil and wars and terror. And burning oil is totally destroying nature's natural beauty. Maybe you deserve what you're getting."
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dan_raven: The Hatrack Kid:
"Ok, ok. I'll be there in a second. Just one more post, and refresh, and oh, a new Gay Marriage thread."
Hey! I'm a superhero! Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
You're my superhero. *makes batty eyes at rivka*
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
I'll be the extremely competent bad guy-- you know to offset the heroes incompetence. And you can just call me Scott-- no silly codenames...
"Heroes? You're kidding. I killed them all already."
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote:Originally posted by ketchupqueen: You're my superhero. *makes batty eyes at rivka*
"Batty" is just about right.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
Tell me if you think this would not work in some sort of superhero story.
The bad guy creates a really shiny rune looking diagram on the ground that glows with really bright white light. The hero comes along sees it what would the superhero do?
"That must be some sort of magic rune that will imbue me with more power if I stand on it!"
WHOOPS! The rune entraps the hero in some sort of prison or even better just outright kills him.
Sorry I was playing Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time and it never fails to amuse me that every time he kills a boss he runs into some rune that encases him in a crystal that teleports him out of the dungeon.
Why Ganondorf has not duplicated the rune design and simply trapped link inside a crystal is something I just don't understand.
Posted by Little_Doctor (Member # 6635) on :
Bono-Lad
"I'll save you through a charity of some sort, then I'll throw a big concert/party for you to make you feel better about yourself."
Posted by Jim-Me (Member # 6426) on :
quote:Originally posted by BlackBlade: Tell me if you think this would not work in some sort of superhero story.
The bad guy creates a really shiny rune looking diagram on the ground that glows with really bright white light. The hero comes along sees it what would the superhero do?
"That must be some sort of magic rune that will imbue me with more power if I stand on it!"
WHOOPS! The rune entraps the hero in some sort of prison or even better just outright kills him.
I have just started watching "Witch Hunter Robin" and nearly this exact thing happens in the second episode.
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