About an hour ago, I got a call from my mom telling me to get a pumpkin pie from the freezer in the garage and pop it in the oven for the family to have later this evening.
I opened the garage door.
I closed the garage door immediately.
I called my mom back. I explained I could not retrieve said pie, because there was an extremely large and angry swan right outside the door flaring its wings and hissing at me.
It seems the garage doors were left open, and some wildlife wandered in. Where exactly it wandered from will remain a mystery. I checked on it every few minutes and watched as it devoured my dog's food, water, and treats, and tore up some of her chew toys. With admirable foresight, I stuck my dog out in the new addition we're building onto the house so she wouldn't try anything.
Then it was gone. Carefully I stepped out and checked every corner of the garage, before remembering that swans can fly and that there's lots of shelves in my garage. With mounting panic, I checked each and every shelf carefully.
Clear.
And so I pressed the button and the garage doors slid shut, just as I remembered the crawlspace in the back of the garage. I checked.
Clear.
I went back inside and my dog and the swan are squaring off for battle, hissing and barking at each other through a screen window. I dragged my dog inside and shut all the windows and locked all the doors.
The swan is checking every window and door right now.
I am terrified.
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
What for did you drag your dog out of it? What are dogs for if not to kill large, threatening wildlife? Incidentally, the ancient remedy for this kind of problem, used by humanity since the dawn of time, is known as a 'stick'.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
Shotgun...it works....trust me.
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
My baseball bat is outside. My dog has no killer instinct.
Also, a swan can break a grown man's arm with one blow of its wing. I don't fancy that right now.
Posted by GaalDornick (Member # 8880) on :
Or rocks. Rocks work well too because you don't have to get close.
But that is hilarious. I'm sorry, but imagining a swan hissing at a person and watching the person run away makes me laugh. Not that I wouldn't run away too, it's just funny because it happened to someone else. Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
A swan. That's funny. But don't hit it... It will hit back!
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
IT IS LIKE A VELOCIRAPTOR.
Creeping around my garage, I couldn't help but think Jurassic Park.
Posted by Alcon (Member # 6645) on :
Water gun. Get a big, powerful, supersoaker. The swan won't be able to move, let alone attack. That or a BB gun. Or even better: paintball.
Posted by Palliard (Member # 8109) on :
Perhaps you have a neighbor who'd care for a swan dinner?
Otherwise you're going to have to think a little creatively. Scare tactics? Maybe you have some firecrackers about, or a bag you could loudly pop. Blunt objects? Bash it with the old time-tested frying pan or rolling pin. Chemical warfare? Hit it with some pepper spray (if you have some), pepper oil (if you keep it for cooking)... bleach or ammonia in a squirt gun is a bit on the nasty side, but effective if you get it in the critter's eyes.
*shrug* I dunno, this is what I keep a shotgun for.
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
quote:Originally posted by Joldo: My baseball bat is outside. My dog has no killer instinct.
I beg to differ; you stated that your dog had to be dragged out of combat. Sounds like a damn useful dog to me; let it do its work.
quote:Also, a swan can break a grown man's arm with one blow of its wing. I don't fancy that right now.
The trick is to break the wing first, with the aforementioned technical instrument, the 'stick'. Dude, you have five times its mass, twice its reach, and at least 50% more brains. A hundred generations of your ancestors laugh at your cowardice.
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
Little known fact: Swans are terrified of Karate.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
And karaoke.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Call Chuck Norris.
-pH
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
KoM, dogs are only useful in killing large and theatening wildlife if they themselves are large and theatening.
Small and yipey dogs are better as...well...distractions.
Obviously Joldo is being a smart tactician and saving her distraction for when it would be most useful. As in, when she needs to make a break for the car, toss the dog out the back door, then run out the front.
The important thing, now that the garage is clear--IS THE PIE SAFE!!!!
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Yes, the pie is cooked!
It tastes like stolen triumphs . . .
Posted by Lalo (Member # 3772) on :
This calls for a videorecorder and a younger brother.
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
I am a younger brother.
And I took pictures on my digital camera.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I want a video of you beating a swan with a frying pan on youtube, stat.
-pH
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
show us show us!
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
I will soon as I can upload them onto something.
All right, I have more info. It seems we have a neighborhood pond, and that's where the swan came from. Since we're new to the neighborhood and I've made enough enemies already, I can't kill it.
My mom's home. She won't open her car doors.
I think I oughtta call the humane society.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
Good don't kill it that would be mean. It could have a wife or husband that will pine
Posted by CaySedai (Member # 6459) on :
Swans are probably protected and you could be in legal trouble for killing or harming it. Call law enforcement (non-emergency number) or the state department of natural resources. They will at least know if your area has a animal control officer. They can probably capture the swan and relocate it.
Are you sure there weren't any little swans left behind in the garage? If the swan outside is a mama and you've got her baby, she's not going anywhere.
Posted by Palliard (Member # 8109) on :
After this is over, maybe a few days from now when you've had some time to think about it, I'd be interested to see a "lessons learned: when swans attack" thread.
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
No babies, Cay. It's a male, according to the neighbors.
And it was last spotted waddling down the street chasing down one of our more unfriendly neighbors. The swan has disappeared and justice is dispensed. Let there be rejoicing.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
Oh, this is good... I'm not the only one with wildlife attacking anymore...
Posted by kojabu (Member # 8042) on :
My first thought after reading all that was whether or not the pie was safe and had been retrieved. I'm pleased to find out it was.
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Yes, both pie and justice are served.
Posted by Samarkand (Member # 8379) on :
Ahh, I love when swans get mean. Because they HISS and beat their wings about. It's so nice to have animals that aren't terrified of people. Now, that said, I don't want one being mean in my garage, thanks. Holding my pies hostage. Pooh.
Posted by Joldo (Member # 6991) on :
Once more:
IT WAS LIKE JURASSIC PARK.
Seriously, when I opened the garage door the first time, the thing was about a foot away, rearing up with its wings spread and hissing LOUD. I freaked out.
Posted by Palliard (Member # 8109) on :
Well, I don't live in swan counry, so I'm not certain of the legalities... but I know plenty of people that if a goose wandered into their garage, they would shut the door so that it couldn't ESCAPE.
Heck, I hate geese just on general principles. MEAN SOBs they are, gave me many a bruise as a tyke. And a swan is very much LIKE a goose, I think I could wring one's neck and not feel bad about it.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
Yeah, Joldo, I understand. We've had a four and a half feet long lizard in our house. They swing their tails around and break legs. They bite, and you've got instant massive infection. It can be really really nasty. You have my sympathies.
At the same time, the image of a swan doing the terrorizing... It's luverly. Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
Actually, I was just going to post a link to Flickr as a hint to hurry and upload your photos. But then I did a search on "swan" and found that title, which I thought was rather apropos.
Posted by HollowEarth (Member # 2586) on :
I wish I had some pie.
Posted by Steev (Member # 6805) on :
*bump*
I sill waiting for the pictures.
Posted by Jhai (Member # 5633) on :
I hate geese. I'd spend my summer out on my aunt's farm when I was a kid, and one of my chores was feeding the ducks and the geese. If I didn't get them fed by 7am or so, the geese would start to honk very, very loudly. One morning there was no honking - one of the horses had apperently kicked one of the geese in the neck for honking - the neck was at a very bad angle. Thing somehow survived the injury though, to the dismay of us all.
That's my annoying bird story.
Posted by mackillian (Member # 586) on :
Posted by Teshi (Member # 5024) on :
Can you play loud music or squirt water at it?
Posted by Nighthawk (Member # 4176) on :
Could be worse. You could be chased by an entire squad of ducks.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
I'm afraid of peacocks ever since one chased me at the L.A. zoo when I was 3. My dad was buying popcorn, heard me screaming in terror, and when he looked over I was running and screaming and the thing was chasing me. I still have nightmares about it.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
When I played softball, we had a game at this one school which, for some reason, had a lot of peacocks nearby.
In the middle of the game, one of our outfielders turned around....and was accosted by an angry peacock, which she tried to fend off by beating it with her glove.
It was funny 'cause it wasn't me.
-pH
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
quote:Originally posted by ketchupqueen: I'm afraid of peacocks ever since one chased me at the L.A. zoo when I was 3. My dad was buying popcorn, heard me screaming in terror, and when he looked over I was running and screaming and the thing was chasing me. I still have nightmares about it.
I'm so sorry to laugh, but that image... A peacock with its tail out and a poor little kid running... It's funny and mildly tragic at the same time.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
quote:Originally posted by Teshi: Can you play loud music or squirt water at it?
You should have busted out a recording of Camille Saint-Saëns, "The Carnival of the Animals." Movement 13, "Le Cygne (The Swan)"
The Swan would have been moved to tears, granted you 1 wish, and then left on its way. True Story!
I agree with KOM. You could have easily taken the swan, a stick would have been more then enough.
How did you get rid of it in the end?
Posted by Rakeesh (Member # 2001) on :
When I was a child, a pelican crapped right on my face. Family thought it was sunscreen (we were out boating) and didn't understand at all at first why I was screaming, "Get this OFFA MEEEE!!!!!!!!!"
That scene in Finding Nemo where the pelican gets a faceful of window? Laughing inside
Anyway, as to that terrorizing story...man, I woulda been delighted. Kill it, check with animal services to see if it's safe to eat, and fire up the grill baby!
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We've had a four and a half feet long lizard in our house. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
They swing their tails around and break legs. They bite, and you've got instant massive infection. It can be really really nasty. You have my sympathies. ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
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