I was cleaning out my inbox and found this old classic:
Household principles for children from the Old Testament
Laws when at table
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away from my presence.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away from my presence.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.
quote:Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Can't
Stop
Laughing
Can't even type
Posted by JennaDean (Member # 8816) on :
Oh, that's hysterical. I was laughing out loud at this one:
quote:Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner beyond comprehension.
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
Priceless! I believe I shall print that off on parchment paper and present it to various people in my life for a present.
*giggling*
Posted by Brinestone (Member # 5755) on :
Hehehehe. I just sent a link to my mom.
Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
Glad you're all enjoying it as much as I did!
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
quote:Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape?
(quietly puts away tape and scoots cat out of sight)
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dan_raven:
quote:Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape?
(quietly puts away tape and scoots cat out of sight)
Did you have this ^^ in mind?
Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
Awww, BlackBlade, I just found this. Poor kitty cat!!!! What has the cat done, indeed!!
My brother was a horrible cat tormenter when I was little. So glad he never did that. Dan . . . that better not be what you were doing to the cat! My visual was a little bit stuck on a paw causing some playful consternation. So yeah, I guess I'm a bleeding heart cat lover.
Posted by DDDaysh (Member # 9499) on :
After what the cats left in the driveway yesterday (I can only guess, there were feathers around it) I'm about to do more than tape to some cats...
Posted by mistaben (Member # 8721) on :
I'm with you folks. That is the funniest thing I've come across in a while. Of course it's only hilarious because it's so very very close to home.
quote:...distributed in a manner beyond comprehension.
Seriously, how do my daughters do it?
Posted by Shmuel (Member # 7586) on :
Giving credit where it's due, this piece was written by Ian Frazier, and was originally published in the Atlantic.
That's hilarious. I've sent it to a friend of mine who is teaching our Old Testament Sunday School class and who has rambunctious children. He should appreciate it.
Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
quote:Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub your feet against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Posted by David G (Member # 8872) on :
I was reading this while eating lunch, chuckling the whole time. Then I got to this line:
quote:Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness....
At that point, I laughed so hard I spit my lunch out all over my computer. The author must have had dinner at my house at some point.
By the way, does anyone know the best way to remove bits of chewed up apple from between the keys on my keyboard?
Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
Q-tip first, followed by a toothpick.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
OK, time to draft our own. I'll go first:
And I say to you, do not place upon thy body the raimant you wore yesterday, for that shall make you unclean in my presence. Yes, even if your raimant has the likeness of a pink kitty cat upon your bosom, and is your favorite of all the raiment you possess, it must be washed before it is placed upon yourself again.
And neither shall you raise up the hem of your garment to display your underclothes unto those that visit you, no, not even on those days of festival when you are wearing the underclothes with the likeness of the bunny upon them.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
Oh man that was a daunting effort Dag, here goes:
Inasmuch as it is expedient that ye cross over the road, behold, it is displeasing to me that ye should do so unaware. For ought ye not to look unto your left and unto your right before thou crossest, lest ye be smitten? For though the Lord your God turnest not unto the right nor unto the left, for ye it is not so.
But behold, if though findest thyself thus smitten, it is right in mine eyes that the man who smote thee inquire as to thy health, and he shall raise thee upon thine own two feet excepting there is ought with thy neck, and he shall sue thee for peace, lest he be brought before the judges and condemned.
[ November 20, 2006, 11:14 PM: Message edited by: BlackBlade ]
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
"Smottest"? I think not.
How about a Hatrack version? I'm sick and not feeling very creative, but maybe someone else can come up with some good rewrites of the TOS.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Thou shall not diss the religion of other posters, even though they mayst displease you greatly. No, even though they may seem to you as the veriest fools, thou shalt speak to them with kindness and gentleness all your days.
Posted by Will B (Member # 7931) on :
Did thine hands lay the heavens? Did thy goods fund the web site? Therefore put not a rolleyes under the post of thy brother, lest the pleasing sight of smileys be no more upon the earth.
Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
Well, hello old thread!
quote:Originally posted by Shmuel: Giving credit where it's due, this piece was written by Ian Frazier, and was originally published in the Atlantic.
Aha -- I knew that was better quality humor than the usual email forward fare!
I actually just went and listened to the whole hour-long broadcast. I loved at the very end, in the "brought to you by"s when he says, "And (insert name here), who warns you that if you do not contribute to your local public radio station, "you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert." (broadcaster says a few more words, and then): "And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass."
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Shmuel, thanks for that link. Not only was there more than in the text version (yay!), it was so much better read aloud! Posted by Mr.Funny (Member # 4467) on :
Where can I access the ToS? Do I need to start the registration process for a new account?
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
quote:Originally posted by King of Men: "Smottest"? I think not.
I don't know why I couldn't figure out how to word that phrase properly, but I came around. Its fixed.
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