Has anyone here ever read the Exorcist. One of the intersting characters in the book is the older priest.
He is very pleasant, understanding, non-judgemental, and empathetic. He understands the people whom he meets, the petty sins they have committed and why they are not so petty, or not so sinful, to those involved. Everyone who meets him mark him as a great priest to have helping the common people.
Yet all he really yearns for is to get away, to the deserts of the Mid-East, to being alone and away from all these silently demanding prescious and special, needy people.
That is how I feel at times.
I am a very giving, understanding, friendly person. I do onto other as I would have done onto me. I am a gracious host and a caring guest, seeing to the needs of others before myself.
And its tiring.
I love my wife and my son without any reservations, yet both make demands on my time that are non-stop. From the moment I wake up to the time I go to bed, between them and work I have no time to be alone.
I enjoy being alone. I enjoy the quiet time to think and arrange words in pretty order and do a puzzle or read a book.
Neither my wife nor my son like being alone. They much prefer my company than spending it alone in contemplation. I understand why in each case, so I give them my time.
Yet I find myself resenting that time, being quicker to frustration with them both, quicker to find myself making excuses to make some unproductive alone time anywhere. (Getting the mail, making unneccesary trips to the store, spending more time in the bathroom)
Am I alone in this desire to spend time alone? Does anyone else have this problem?
Posted by Gecko (Member # 8160) on :
Everyone wants a little time to themselves now and then. It's normal
Just don't pull a Scott Peterson
Posted by The Pixiest (Member # 1863) on :
I opened this planning on making a cute, snarky political statement. (well, cute to me anyway...)
But I totally empathise. even though I have fewer demands on my time than you.
What I do is take a 2 mile walk at lunch. Usually a friend comes with me, which is also nice, but...
enough of the time I'm all alone, just walking and thinking. It's wonderful. And healthy.
The only problem is when someone drives up and asks for directions and breaks me out of my reverie. Do I look like maps.yahoo.com?
Posted by Boon (Member # 4646) on :
I also require "me time" and have no problem getting it most of the time (except during the summer). My husband is aware of my need and is willing, when he is home, to keep an ear out for the kids so I can go lock myself in the bathroom for a bubblebath, go for a walk, or zone out in front of my computer.
In addition, once a week I take the (older) kids to PE at our local YMCA (leaving Boo with DH) and go walk on the treadmill or go swimming for a half hour, followed by a leisurely private shower all by myself! WooHOO!
Private showers and bubblebaths are the BEST!
Posted by The Pixiest (Member # 1863) on :
Boon: The mentally challenged archetect who designed our master bedroom neglected to put a DOOR between the shower and the rest of the room.
I guess I should just be thankful he put one (and the right number of walls) around the toilet.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I desperately need alone time and I'm pretty social. You need some alone time. It is not unreasonable of you to request. You have a social job, right? That means when you are at work you are around people and when you are at home you are around people. You're clearly good with people and that's good, but it means that you need to plan for alone time because it won't just happen naturally.
It's a good idea to schedule it. Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
I understand the desire to be alone. I personally would settle for just having time to do what I want. Tiffany loves spending her time with me, and so do I. But I also like doing stuff that does not involve her (play computer games, read books, etc) I DO want her around when I do those things, but if she has to go I am ok. I try to encourage her to have girl time with her friends or to do something constructive when I am occupied.
But I try to be willing to put everything down whenever she needs me to. I imagine this will get more difficult when I have children.
This was REALLY hard for me when I started out as a missionary as you can't even piss without informing your companion that you are doing so (when you are outside the apt that is), if its inconvenient for him, he can refuse to go with you and therefore forbid you from going.
I got used to it though (humans are quite resiliant) I get pretty much all the alone time I need while I am at work nowadays.
I need to think a bit before I can give you any direct advice Dan. I'm not sure whether to encourage to you relish your alone time, or identify what you accomplish while you are alone that is indispensible.
Ill get back to you, sorry!
Posted by Jhai (Member # 5633) on :
What about "alone together-time"? Sometimes when either myself or the significant other needs space, we'll do our own thing in the same general area. One of us reads, while the other plays video games, or zones in front of the t.v., for example. That gives the Person X, who needs alone time, space to think, while giving Person Y the chance to be around Person X & occasionally make comments or small talk.
Exercise is a great way to get away from others, if you listen to music or otherwise seperate yourself off from the world. For instance, during a child's swim lesson you can swim laps in your own lane, which is deeply relaxing once you get into it.
Finally, it's perfectly okay to say you need some alone time, as long as you aren't ignoring the urgent needs of those close to you. When I worked in Germany as an Au-Pair we had what was called "Mittelstunde," where everyone retired for an hour after lunch. Even the 6-year-old was told to play quietly in his room or read a book. The time was a great break from the day's stress - I wish we had it here in the US.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
Dan et al.
You are not alone!
Posted by MyrddinFyre (Member # 2576) on :
I definitely need alone time to recharge, I completely understand that sentiment.
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
Dan, this reminds me of a link that CT posted recently to an article called "Caring for Your Introvert." It really rang true to me, because I need alone time, too. The gist of it is that, as an introvert, you gain energy from being alone (as opposed to extroverts, who gain energy from being around other people). I really like that definition.
Posted by The Pixiest (Member # 1863) on :
Megan: That is a WONDERFUL article! I'm gonna make my hubby read it.
(and my best friend... and my parents. And anyone who ever kvetches I don't call them back.)
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
Thank CT! She was the one who pointed to it (I don't remember where, either, but I know it was from her).
Posted by littlemissattitude (Member # 4514) on :
Oh, boy, do I ever understand your position, Dan.
I have always very much needed my alone time. However, I am now my elderly mother's sole caregiver. She has, as I think I've mentioned around here before, memory issues and cannot be left alone for too long at a time. But as long as I'm in the apartment, it isn't like she needs someone in the room with her all the time.
However, she has never been a person who likes being alone. Consequently, a lot of the time she complains if I even go into the bedroom to read a book for awhile. I love my mother, and I wouldn't want anyone else taking care of her. But, you know, it would be nice to have a break for a couple of hours every once in awhile. And then I start feeling guilty for even thinking that, because she is old, and I'm really lucky to still have her with me.
But, still...I do find myself doing laundry more often than strictly necessary so that I can take the five minutes to walk down to the laundry room.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
I hear ya, Dan.
Thanks, Megan, for that, and CT. I'm another painful introvert. Luckily, so is Fahim, and even more luckily, we can manage, quite happily, to be introverts together, being alone together, recharging from other people together. Go figure. Posted by kojabu (Member # 8042) on :
I definately get that way sometimes. This summer it was really hard for me to be around my roommate who always has to be social. I'd go into these "I really need some time alone" phases. Sometimes I was able to get that with other people just because they were that much calmer than her.
Posted by ladyday (Member # 1069) on :
This is one of the major reasons I miss smoking and even after about four months with no cheating at all I am still having a lot of trouble with it - sneaking out for smoke breaks was also a needed social break for me. I -totally- hear you though, even when it comes to family. I feel so mean for wanting to be left alone . /agree Katharina though, scheduled down time is a good thing.
Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
More on introverts, extroverts, and other personality characteristics and how everyone can get along:
One of the things I loved about that book was the description of an extrovert as someone who is energized by socializing/parties, and an introvert as someone who is drained by them. It's not that introverts aren't deeply caring, loving people--it's not that we are "anti-social"--it's just that we recharge our batteries with quiet time.
(not to say that, as others have pointed out, we don't all need some quiet time--it's just that some need it more than others.)
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
I like solitude. One time I was at the Family Values Tour and just got overwhelmed by all the people there and the crowds. So I had to go home and be alone and quiet with the rabbit and just relax. Solitude can be so nice and peaceful. Just reading, listening to music and recharging.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
Dan, I sympathize.
Any chance you might be feeling it more acutely now because of SAD?
Posted by Eduardo St. Elmo (Member # 9566) on :
While I can definitely agree that everyone needs some alone time every now and then, I'd be the first to warn you that you can overdo it. That said, solitude is good. It leads to thought and can also help breed the most creative ideas. And while I agree that it can be frustrating if there are people around when you feel you're in need of some alone time, just remember that it's far worse to feel the need for company and have nobody around.
Posted by NicholasStewart (Member # 9781) on :
quote:Originally posted by ladyday: This is one of the major reasons I miss smoking and even after about four months with no cheating at all I am still having a lot of trouble with it - sneaking out for smoke breaks was also a needed social break for me.
It sounds like smoking was bad for your health, but it was also theraputic (sp?) as it gave you some time to get away and recharge. Have you been able to replace that activity with some other activity to help you recharge? If not, it will be more difficult to stay smoke free.
Dan, does your wife know you need some alone time?
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. /agree Katharina though, scheduled down time is a good thing.