Ever liked a girl a lot who already happened to have a boyfriend in a really well working relationship? Can someone please tell me why this is making me so depressed?
Posted by Samarkand (Member # 8379) on :
"Jessie is a friend,/ yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine. But lately something's changed that ain't hard to define,/ Jessie's got himself a girl and I want to make her mine."
Jesse's Girl by Rick Springfield.
Good song.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I don't know why guys are suddenly more interested once you're not available.
Posted by cheiros do ender (Member # 8849) on :
Presumptuous Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
*laugh* I didn't dream you meant me.
Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
You have my sympathy and understanding.
Posted by KarlEd (Member # 571) on :
lol, Kate, I took that as you being presumptuous that he knew the girl before she was taken and only got interested after she was taken.
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
It's not just guys that that happens to. Girls are more interested in a guy who unavailable, too. I think that the fact that you are dating someone drastically upgrades your datability in the eyes of others.
------
Why'd Jessie/Jesse change the spelling of his name? /continuity nitpick
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
quote:Originally posted by cheiros do ender: Ever liked a girl a lot who already happened to have a boyfriend in a really well working relationship?
Yep.
quote:Can someone please tell me why this is making me so depressed?
I'm going to go out on a limb here since I don't really know much about you, but it's likely because you're moral enough and/or care about her enough that you don't want to influence or harm her current relationship, either because that feels wrong to you and/or you care more about her happiness than your own.
But knowing that doesn't make you feel any differently.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Oh, that makes even more sense. Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
I saw that, Porter.
----
erso, I don't get involved with or pursue girls who are in relationships not because I value their happiness over my own, but because I respect the potential of any relationship to turn into something serious and lasting.
Yes, I'm a romantic.
However, if the guy's a jerk or treats her bad I have no problem telling the girl so.
Posted by Stephan (Member # 7549) on :
quote:Originally posted by katharina: I don't know why guys are suddenly more interested once you're not available.
Vice Versa.
Girls (I don't think) ever really flirted with me much until I was engaged.
I really think it happens for a few different reasons. One reason could be knowing that the person is dependable enough to be in a good relationship. Another is that person his/her self is no longer self-conscious because they already found someone. Being sure of oneself is always attractive to others. Then there is always the worst, just wanting what you can't have. Which is perfectly natural for many people, its acting on it one needs to avoid.
Cheiros:
If this girl is a friend, then you need to start hanging out with other friends more. Cool yourself off a little. I don't know your indiviual situation, but if she has been a friend for a while, part of the depression was missing your chance. Don't think of it that way. There are plenty of other women out there.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
quote:Originally posted by El JT de Spang: erso, I don't get involved with or pursue girls who are in relationships not because I value their happiness over my own, but because I respect the potential of any relationship to turn into something serious and lasting.
Yes, I'm a romantic.
However, if the guy's a jerk or treats her bad I have no problem telling the girl so.
I'm much the same way. For me, it's a combination of the reasons I posted; I don't want to ruin someone else's chance at happiness, and I'm a combination of self-deprecating (who am I to think I'd be better for her?) and egocentric (what am I saying, of COURSE I'd be better for her!) that puts me in a state of non-action.
Posted by TheGrimace (Member # 9178) on :
Cheiros, I feel your pain.
In my case she's now married to the other guy (in my defense I've loved her for years, but distance killed the relationship). I want to be rooting for it to fall apart so maybe I'll have another chance exept for the following things: 1) I really do want her to be happy, and she is. 2) He's a really great guy, who happens to be a lot like me (both good and incredibly frustrating since I can easily see myself in his shoes) 3) I really do want marriages in general to work out.
Advise: Do what you can to just be happy for them and move on with your life. there's gonna be a gnawing for quite some time (perhaps forever) but it's the price we pay.
Posted by Bokonon (Member # 480) on :
quote:Originally posted by katharina: I don't know why guys are suddenly more interested once you're not available.
It works both ways. I've been hit on more times this past year (since I got married) than any year prior.
-Bok
Posted by Dr Strangelove (Member # 8331) on :
Yes.
Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
I've had it happen once before, but I actually was interested in her before I found out she had a boyfriend. Man, did that suck.
Posted by Nighthawk (Member # 4176) on :
quote:Originally posted by Bokonon:
quote:Originally posted by katharina: I don't know why guys are suddenly more interested once you're not available.
It works both ways. I've been hit on more times this past year (since I got married) than any year prior.
-Bok
Same here. Nobody came anywhere near me before I got married, but starting the day after they started to come out of the woodwork. And they get annoyed at my "where were you three years ago?" response.
Posted by Amanecer (Member # 4068) on :
quote: Another is that person his/her self is no longer self-conscious because they already found someone.
I think this is the big one. People are attracted to self-confidence and relationships give you self-confidence.
cherios- I feel for you. I don't fall for guys easily at all, but yeah, that happened to me once. At first, it was really hard to not silently hope that their relationship would fail. Many years have passed and they're still together, so I've learned to accept it. I wish them well- most days.
I think it's so depressing because you never get to find out what would have happened. If someone's not interested, that's more or less the end of it. But if somebody would be interested if they weren't in a relationship, it's harder to put in the past.
Posted by Allegra (Member # 6773) on :
There was a guy I was interested in last year. I found out he was engaged and I was bummed. Only a few days later he asked me to sleep with him. Needless to say she can keep him.
Posted by B34N (Member # 9597) on :
Yep, dated her for two plus years after the guy she was dating broke up with her. Be patient if you are really interested and see how the relationship plays out. If it's meant to be it'll be, if not lots o'fish in the sea!
Posted by TheSeeingHand (Member # 8349) on :
quote:It's not just guys that that happens to. Girls are more interested in a guy who unavailable, too.
It's true. I once (stupidly) liked a girl who didn't like me. I would look at her all the time and stuff. The day right after I stopped she started looking at me. The more I ignored here the angrier she got.
We: 1 They: 0
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
quote:I saw that, Porter.
I only deleted it because somebody else had already said the exact same thing, only with more detail, by the time I posted.
Posted by B34N (Member # 9597) on :
quote:Originally posted by TheSeeingHand:
quote:It's not just guys that that happens to. Girls are more interested in a guy who unavailable, too.
It's true. I once (stupidly) liked a girl who didn't like me. I would look at her all the time and stuff. The day right after I stopped she started looking at me. The more I ignored here the angrier she got.
We: 1 They: 0
Posted by ginette (Member # 852) on :
Ok, now I have a question for you guys. What do you do in the meantime while you are loving this unavailable girl? Stay single or settle to have a relationship with a second-best?
Posted by vwiggin (Member # 926) on :
Are those the only two choices?
How about go out and meet more people, while promising yourself that you will be open to possibilities but will not force yourself into anything you're not comfortable with. Posted by Stephan (Member # 7549) on :
quote:Originally posted by ginette: Ok, now I have a question for you guys. What do you do in the meantime while you are loving this unavailable girl? Stay single or settle to have a relationship with a second-best?
Don't think in terms of settling for a second-best. Play the field, and date around. Some one else just as good, if not better will show herself. Don't stay single hoping they will break up. Assume they won't, breathe in, breathe out, and move on.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote:Originally posted by vwiggin: Are those the only two choices?
Exactly. Assuming that they are makes me cringe.
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
quote:I only deleted it because somebody else had already said the exact same thing, only with more detail, by the time I posted.
I know. I just wanted to tell you that I saw it anyway. <----
quote:Stay single or settle to have a relationship with a second-best?
I don't think there is a second best. I think there's like a 200 way tie for first best. You just have to find the next girl. Swingers put it better than anything else I've ever seen:
quote:Mike: Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her? Rob: You don't call. Mike: But you said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her. Rob: Right. Mike: So I don't call either way? Rob: Right. Mike: So what's the difference? Rob: There is no difference right now. See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up is if you take her back when she wants to come back. But you can't do anything to make her want to come back. In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back. Mike: So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her? Rob: Right. Mike: Well that sucks. Rob: Yeah, it sucks. Mike: So it's just like a retroactive decision, then? I mean I could, like, forget about her and then when she comes back make like I just pretended to forget about her? Rob: Right. Although probably more likely the opposite. Mike: What do you mean? Rob: I mean at first you're going to pretend to forget about her, you'll not call her, I don't know, whatever... but then eventually, you really will forget about her. Mike: Well what if she comes back first? Rob: Mmmm... see, that's the thing, is somehow they know not to come back until you really forget. Mike: There's the rub. Rob: There's the rub.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
quote:Originally posted by Stephan:
quote:Originally posted by ginette: Ok, now I have a question for you guys. What do you do in the meantime while you are loving this unavailable girl? Stay single or settle to have a relationship with a second-best?
Don't think in terms of settling for a second-best. Play the field, and date around. Some one else just as good, if not better will show herself. Don't stay single hoping they will break up. Assume they won't, breathe in, breathe out, and move on.
Yeah, lurking around until the couple breaks up is...creepy and sad. I have exes who still do this to me. They call every once in a while, every few months, and act like they want to grab coffee. They then try to "smoothly" throw in some statement to test if I'm still in a relationship. Of course, it comes off as completely unsmooth because I'm not stupid. Often, I ignore it utnil they are more direct about the issue. As soon as they find out that I am indeed still in a relationship, they have another call or they have to go or something.
Hanging around waiting for a couple to break up is both upsetting and sad and means that you're hoping for bad things for the person you supposedly care about (unless the guy in question is beating the crap out of her or something). Playing the field is definitely the way to go. You're young. Don't get totally fixated on someone like this. Enjoy yourself.
-pH
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
I love Swingers. I hated it at first, I wanted to slap them for talking that way, but it really is a good movie.
I think a part of the reason that the other sex finds you more attractive once you are in a relationship (and yes, that has been MY personal experience as well) is that you are happier then, and it comes across. I don't mean that it is a conscious decision, but that at some level, if you are in a good relationship, you come across confident without being cocky, and the opposite sex senses that. That is a key ingredient to attraction, and the opposite sex notices it. You are happier, and more confident, and that is attractive.
It doesn't change who you are, but it does change your interactions with outers, even if you don't realize it.
New experiences make you a stronger, better person, at least most of the time. You really MAY be second best to her now, but the person you become by experiencing new things and dating new people may make you her first choice at some other point in her life. Go out and experience new things and date new people, and you may even find out a little about yourself, and what you really need/want in the process.
You can always pine for her later. Posted by Launchywiggin (Member # 9116) on :
Follow the Tao of Steve:
Eliminate your desire for this girl. Instead, become a good friend who is positive, fun, and confident. It's OK to flirt with girls who have boyfriends. Just be cool about it.
If you are the better man, she'll notice eventually.
I'm also in the boat with people who say "keep looking". The more time you spend thinking about this girl is more time you spend NOT living your life.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
Guys have never been interested in me, either, unless I started in a healthy relationship. Then suddenly, they come flocking. It's very odd.
Right now I'm extremely happy in my relationship, and I know of a few interested parties that wish my status were otherwise. Before, nobody gave me a second glance.
Posted by B34N (Member # 9597) on :
quote:Originally posted by ginette: Ok, now I have a question for you guys. What do you do in the meantime while you are loving this unavailable girl? Stay single or settle to have a relationship with a second-best?
No just live, its very easy to do. You start by breathing and everything else is cake.
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