quote:

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It's been months since I have drawn anything that I can be proud of. I just don't have the will in me to draw anything any more and I just don't know why. Everything I can think of is something that I can only care about for maybe 5 minutes, after that I can't help but give a damn: even when I still admit it was a good idea.

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Oh man, I hear you. It's something that's been bothering me a lot lately, and much of your post echoes how I've been feeling. Dredging up motivation has been really difficult and I wish I knew why. I hope you can turn it around; sometimes all it takes is one thing going right to regain momentum.

If you'd like to talk about some of your projects, I'd be happy to brainstorm with you, either in this thread or via email.
 

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Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
 
Sometimes I feel like part of the reason I feel this way is because I feel a little lonely. For instance: pretty much all of my high school friends don't keep in touch with me, in this school of mine I've not made any close friendships or they have moved away (Nellie Bly, and Flor(she is a high school friend, but she went to study in NY so we can't do things together anymore ) Besides, I've never really been in a romantic relationship with anyone (one that was worth the time and never let me wishing I had something else).

I grew up pretty much without any friends and although I had a brother and cousins, I never really developed close relationships with any of them. My first REAL friendship was with Flor in Jr. year of high school and now she is gone. I can't help but feel alone. I want to go out there and do things with a friend. I want to go and watch a movie with someone.

I'm not sure if what I am looking for is a relationship with anyone simply because I don't want to be looking for someone just because I feel alone. If things happen, they will do so in their own time.

However, I can't help but feel lonely. There is no one I can really joke around with. To put it simply, I have no one that I can be myself with.
 

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Posted by Stone_Wolf_ (Member # 8299) on :
 
I have struggled with this myself. I just don't wanna do the stuff that I know I should, that I can do, because it's difficult and it shouldn't be. Every little destraction feels like a huge obstacle and I have no spark, like I have to force everything.

Here's my advice. Stop. Go and walk in nature. Find a particularly comforting song. Talk with a friend and laugh. Watch a favorite movie. For heaven's sake get out of doors, away from the pressure! Don't try and force it. Find your joy inside yourself and then come back to your projects with new eyes.

If you go about your work with the attitude that something is wrong with you, and that you are hurting your future as the pressure builds and builds you will only be causing yourself more and more harm.

Stop. Take a deep breath. Set down your pen/mouse and walk away for an hour or two and just remember why you love life. Find something that brings a smile to your face and a lightness to your step.
 

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Posted by blacwolve (Member # 2972) on :
 
Alt- Have you considered joining any clubs at school? I think they're often overrated in terms fo friendfinding potential, but at least you'd be spending time with other people.

I suck at making new friends, so I don't really have any advice on that front. Maybe someone who's good at it will stop in and drop some hints.
 

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Posted by Soundstream (Member # 9869) on :
 
Alt, I'm not an art expert or anything but I have drawn pictures and painted paintings the old-fashioned way (paper, charcoal, ink, paint, etc.).

It sounds as though you are struggling with perfectionism. I have the same problem -- I want the picture to be fully formed in my mind before I start drawing. The problem is, if I wait until then I'll never start drawing and the original idea will be lost.

So what you have to do is: get started. Put something -- anything -- on your flash site, even if it is total crap. Usually that will break your block and your creative juices will return. Then you can delete the crap and know what to put in its place. And sometimes what you originally thought was crap turns out to be pretty good, because you're looking at it in a different way. In other words, if you don't start somewhere, you won't start at all.

And once your creativity kicks in, use it to start your other projects. Don't wait until the last minute: pulling an all-nighter is never fun and will never give you the results you want.

I hope this helps.
 

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Posted by Avadaru (Member # 3026) on :
 
I spent 2 1/2 semesters as a studio art major and I was pretty confident that's what I wanted to do with my life, until I got burned out and realized that when I create art, I want it to be on MY time, and the moment someone (i.e. a teacher) tells me what to do and how to do it, it loses its magic. I couldn't draw or paint for months after I dropped out of college. I had grown to hate it, because it was a task, something that was demanded of me. I'm now trying to figure out a different major to pursue, because although art is my strongest skill, it's not something I can involve anyone else in. And now that I know no one's telling me what to do with it, my inspiration is back and I love to draw and paint. Maybe you're having a similar sort of problem and need to step back from the situation. (Please don't drop out of college. It's just not a good idea. But maybe consider trying something else, in terms of your course of study.)
 

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Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
 
Good thing that today is a rainy day and those inspire me a lot. Heck, I think I just got the idea I need for my 2-D project.
 

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Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
 
Alt, the way to break through these types of blocks is just to power through and do. Don't wait for the "perfect" inspiration, just sit down and get to work. Usually inspiration strikes those who are actively working, not the ones sitting around waiting to be in the perfect frame of mind before they start. That's my experience, anyway.

I've turned in papers I wasn't proud of, because I couldn't feel inspired and wasn't pleased with the way my writing was going but I had to turn something in so I just wrote it and did it. Sometimes my grade reflected my own feelings, sometimes I was surprised and received an A on something I truly didn't think was any good. The point is, if I hadn't just pushed through and written the darn thing, I would have gotten a failing grade. Anything is better than turning in nothing. Just buckle down and do it.

That said, I do sympathize. And I hope you feel better soon, I'm glad the rain is making you feel better. (((Altariel)))
 

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Posted by Soara (Member # 6729) on :
 
Writers get writer's block, it always passes. Then they create masterpieces.
 

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Posted by blacwolve (Member # 2972) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Belle:


I've turned in papers I wasn't proud of, because I couldn't feel inspired and wasn't pleased with the way my writing was going but I had to turn something in so I just wrote it and did it. Sometimes my grade reflected my own feelings, sometimes I was surprised and received an A on something I truly didn't think was any good. The point is, if I hadn't just pushed through and written the darn thing, I would have gotten a failing grade. Anything is better than turning in nothing. Just buckle down and do it.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Belle:
Alt, the way to break through these types of blocks is just to power through and do. Don't wait for the "perfect" inspiration, just sit down and get to work. Usually inspiration strikes those who are actively working, not the ones sitting around waiting to be in the perfect frame of mind before they start. That's my experience, anyway.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Soundstream:

So what you have to do is: get started. Put something -- anything -- on your flash site, even if it is total crap. Usually that will break your block and your creative juices will return. Then you can delete the crap and know what to put in its place. And sometimes what you originally thought was crap turns out to be pretty good, because you're looking at it in a different way. In other words, if you don't start somewhere, you won't start at all.

And once your creativity kicks in, use it to start your other projects. Don't wait until the last minute: pulling an all-nighter is never fun and will never give you the results you want.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Avadaru:

I spent 2 1/2 semesters as a studio art major and I was pretty confident that's what I wanted to do with my life, until I got burned out and realized that when I create art, I want it to be on MY time, and the moment someone (i.e. a teacher) tells me what to do and how to do it, it loses its magic.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Euripides:
I'm glad you posted this. It sounds like the story of my life for the past year or more. At the moment, I think this is the best advice:

quote:

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Originally posted by Soundstream:

So what you have to do is: get started. Put something -- anything -- on your flash site, even if it is total crap. Usually that will break your block and your creative juices will return. Then you can delete the crap and know what to put in its place. And sometimes what you originally thought was crap turns out to be pretty good, because you're looking at it in a different way. In other words, if you don't start somewhere, you won't start at all.

And once your creativity kicks in, use it to start your other projects. Don't wait until the last minute: pulling an all-nighter is never fun and will never give you the results you want.

---

Also, I've been thinking about how to turn my own life/aristic frustrations around. A lot of my issues are similar. Mind if I e-mail you with a proposition that I think might help?

quote:

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Originally posted by Avadaru:

I spent 2 1/2 semesters as a studio art major and I was pretty confident that's what I wanted to do with my life, until I got burned out and realized that when I create art, I want it to be on MY time, and the moment someone (i.e. a teacher) tells me what to do and how to do it, it loses its magic.

---

Glad I'm not the only one.

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Go ahead and email me your proposition Euripides. I'm curious to see what it is.
 

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Posted by TL (Member # 8124) on :
 
I wonder if you have access to any kind of counseling, because it sounds to me like you might be going through a bit of a depression. I was wondering as I read the first part of your post, about how you couldn't concentrate on your creative works -- just couldn't seem to get into the right frame of mind -- if there was something else going on in your life that might be making you depressed. And you answered that a little later on with your comments about being lonely and not having anyone, really, to spend much time with.

Those two things are connected.

I think maybe you should try to see somebody. At least, for me -- I can never work through this kind of stuff on my own. It always ends up with me sort of bravely trying to suffer through -- but suffering nonetheless.
 

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Posted by Euripides (Member # 9315) on :
 
A caveat to my e-mail: Hatracking reduces productivity. It turns out Bob was right.
 

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Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
 
There is something else that I have not mentioned here in Hatrack and I feel that I just have to say now, once and for all.

As many of you know, I used to live in Student Housing with three other college girls, Nellie and I met this way. I lived there for a year and afterwards decided to come back with my mom to take advantage of my financial aid money and rent a two bedroom with my mother so that I could get my own room. So far, that hasn't happened.

I'm stuck in a (little less than) 700 sq ft one bedroom apartment where I live with my mom and my older brother (who sometimes brings his son and "wifey" on weekends).
I live here devoid of any personal space, or privacy for that matter. I live here where I am basically everyone's lackey. If my brother wants something from me, I better give it or he will loose his temper and more than likely physically harrass me. He won't beat the crap out of me for just any reason, like I didn't cook something for him or something of that nature. He mostly does it when I downright oppose him and I raise my voice to show my disapproval of something.

This happened a few weeks ago:

I was in the living room using the computer I had just bought. My brother said that he was going to take a shower and he wanted me out of the living room when he got out (that's where he sleeps, I sleep in the bedroom along with my mom). When he gets out, I am still in the living room and he tells me to get out. I told him that it would just be a minute while I checked my bank account. As I was closing the last IE window, he lost his temper. He kicked my laptop shut (I had just received it that day, it cost me $1,400 and I payed for it all by myself), then threw all my equipment into the room (computer, external HD, and Wacom tablet borrowed from school) and when I tried to stop him (sobbing at this point because I just couldn't understand why the hell he was acting like such an animal when he know how much that computer was and that I had not been able to afford any kind of warranty on it) he threw me to the ground and pressed my head to the ground with his foot. After a few more futile attempts to defend myself, I gave up and continued to sob on the floor. He left the room and I got up and went to my mother who at the time was at the laundry room. Still half sobbing, I told her what had happened, and she went to talk to my brother. She came back a little while later and said that although there was no excuse for what my brother did and that I was probably exaggerating and what happened was partly my fault too because I had not done as he had told me (getting out of the living room).
I was incredulous at her response, but dealt with it anyway.

The point here is that I have been living in this kind of situation since I can remember. My brother physically abused me as a child. If my mother was away and she had left us some chores I had better do my brother's first or I'd get it from him. What I mean with "get it" is I'd be kicked/punched in the stomach, groin, etc., slapped in the face, get bashed into the walls, or I was hit with objects like a shoe, a hanger or a belt. There was a time when I was 16 when I got my own shoe thrown to my head (the sole was around two inches thick) and I felt like I had had it. I called the cops on him (my mom was home at the time) and after they arrived and spoke with him for a while, they told him to get some anger management classes. Sometime that year, I had an important event I had to participate in and I had to get my hair done and stuff. In total, I spent five hours at the hair salon and my mother spent 35 dollars on my hair. When I get home to get myself ready (put on a dress, etc.) I started having an argument with my brother about something I can't remember and he got angry at me because I said something against me. He goes to me and grabs me by my head and flung me to the bed. Amidst me telling him that he was an "effing idiot" and I had just spend so much on my hair, he slaps me and just goes back to doing what he was doing. I let that one go too, but I just can't really forgive and forget all of the similar instances that have occured.
My mother always tried to do something about all this when we were growing up but it got to the point where she just couldn't do anything anymore. She hates it when my brother acts like that and stands between him and I but there are always those times when she isn't home and I still have to put up with him.

Currently I'm living in a place where I have to prepare everyone's food, clean up the living room after my brother (his bedsheets) and my opinions are not respected and neither am I.


My brother is generally a nice person even though we have completely different mindsets, but if you get on his bad side, he will not hesitate in getting physical.
It's because of how I grew up that I can't help flinching for the slightest of reasons and my brother uses that against me. He'll pretend like he's going to hit me and then he'll just point and laugh at me.

The whole point of me saying all of this is because I am tired of living like this. I want to go to a place where I am respected.

I am not even respected when I am trying to do my homework. To them, I am only wasting time doing other things and I should be cleaning instead.
I tell them that I have so many projects due in so much time and they tell me that that is only an excuse. That I should pay attention to my chores first. I have no problem with cleaning up after myself, but I do have a problem with cleaning up after others and cooking for others when all I want for lunch is a bowl of cereal or something simple like that. No, I have to cook a real meal for everyone else. I have to be considerate of the fact that they work 40 hrs and I'm always home on the computer. What they don't seem to understand is that my responsibilities do not end when I come home from school, my work follows me where ever I go.

I'm trying to be as sincere as I can be without sounding too much like a victim, but I don't know if I'm succeding at that too much.

All I want is someone that I can talk to who will get me away from all this even for just one while.

I feel so lonely.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
Can you go back to student housing?

You know you can e-mail or IM me any time, Alt. I am always happy to listen and help any way I can. I will give you my phone number if you need to talk, or you can give me yours.
 

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Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
 
Thank you, I cannot talk on the phone at the moment, but maybe tomorrow morning?
 

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Posted by Euripides (Member # 9315) on :
 
When you said that you were lonely, I didn't realise this was the story behind it; or else I would have reprioritised my suggestions to you.

From what you've described, your brother's behaviour is unacceptable. If your parents can't control his violent bouts, I think you need to seek outside help or move to a place where you do have some privacy and are safe from your brother. Does your family really need you to do these chores, or are they just heaping them on you because your uni work is on the computer at home?

That is no environment to get work done in; with the angst, the physical abuse, and the chores breaking up your time into little fragments. I think you deserve better.

I would consider going back to student housing as well.

I'm sure you have other people you can turn to, but if you want another perspective, feel free to e-mail me.

[ November 29, 2006, 05:04 AM: Message edited by: Euripides ]
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion:
Thank you, I cannot talk on the phone at the moment, but maybe tomorrow morning?

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Sure. E-mail me. And if phone charges are a problem, I'm happy to call you, that's what cells are for.
 

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Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
 
It's not the phone charges that are a problem, it't the fact that everyone is asleep at the moment and I'm trying to make the least amount of sound possible. We'll just talk when the sun comes up (it's 1:40a over here).
 

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Posted by Evie3217 (Member # 5426) on :
 
Alt, I agree with Euripides. What your brother has been doing is completely unacceptable and you don't have to stand for it. You need to get outside help, because obviously doing nothing isn't working for you. This is an unhealthy environment to begin with, even without the added pressure of school.

That said, if you need to talk, I'm always here and available. Let me know. My email is on Hatrack, and, like kq said, I'll listen any time. Let me know if you need to talk.
 

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Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
 
Oh, I got that it was too late to talk, I'm in the same time zone as you. I was just sayin', I have no problem picking up the tab on this one.
 

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Posted by TL (Member # 8124) on :
 
Wow. That is really an outrageous situation, AoD. I'm sure you love your brother and your family -- but that is a bad environment.

You've got to get out of there and love them from afar.

And see somebody, if you can. (By somebody, I'm talking about a counselor or therapist of some kind.)
 

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Posted by Tatiana (Member # 6776) on :
 
AoD, my brother abused me too, and my mother, when I would complain to her, would usually say something like "well, you shouldn't have been so stupid". It took me years and years to understand that they were wrong, that I wasn't stupid, that babies can't deserve to be beaten up, (it started when I was a baby), and that it was no more my fault when I was grown than it was as a child. It's crazy how hypnotized one can be not to know this fact, which would seem to be self evident. People don't deserve to be beaten up. It's not you, it's him. All of society will look the other way, but it's still horribly wrong and needs to stop, NOW.

Get out of that environment. Get away from your mom, too. She's an abuser too, if only by default. It took me so long to understand this. Get to a shelter, go live with a friend, or whatever, until you can get on your feet. Your lack of interest in art sounds like depression, and depression (at the very least) is a symptom of growing up abused.

I'm praying for you. Please, please leave that situation. Just go. You can come here if you don't have another place to stay. It matters more right now than college, than anything else. You have to get away from that treatment before you can begin to heal.
 

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Posted by Tatiana (Member # 6776) on :
 
The other alternative, if you stay, is you have to physically dominate your brother. Don't say or do anything differently, until he starts to beat you up next time. Then you need to quickly make him feel excruciating pain, then walk away, leave the house for a long time. You have to win this battle by dominating both mentally and physically. I would suggest you viciously and cold-bloodedly kick him in the groin.

I was 36 years old the last time my brother beat me up. I kicked him hard in the groin and left. After a lifetime of abuse, he has never touched me again. The key is to escalate it abruptly to a level that he was not expecting and didn't want. Then go back (after as long an absence as possible) to acting normal until the next time he tries it. Prepare yourself for your mom and brother to think you're crazy, think you need psychiatric help, etc. That's what happened with mine. Don't think they are ever going to think the abuse was wrong, or that you are justified in objecting to it. Understand that they will call you a whiner, and every other denigrating name you can imagine. Understand that they're still wrong and you're right. Abuse is wrong and evil. Defending yourself with strength and determination when abused is right and good.
 

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Posted by Tatiana (Member # 6776) on :
 
It's even safer and better to just leave, and don't talk to those people again for a long long time.

Don't think the fact that your brother is often nice is any reason to consider him an okay person and still be his friend.

Oh, also, naive people will tell you that violence never solves anything, etc. etc. They are sweet and cute and innocent and they have no earthly idea of what they speak. This strategy is what worked after a lifetime of abuse. It also worked with the bullies at my school. It's a time-honored method of dealing with bullies. It's not 100% safe, but it's far far safer than letting the abuse continue.

If the abuse is something that can be avoided entirely, then do that, avoid it, and leave, and never go back. But if it's not, then you *have* to dominate. You're doing a favor to everyone by doing that. The abuser is harmed by abuse far more even than the abused. You have to teach him better. Your parents should have done that when he was a child, but they didn't, for whatever reason. It's merciful and generous and good for you to take that responsibility for teaching him upon yourself. You don't have to do it. I recommend you don't. That you leave and don't go back ever. But if there's absolutely no way to do that, then you *must* change the situation through the efforts of your own mind and heart.
 

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Posted by Telperion the Silver (Member # 6074) on :
 
AofD, your bro sounds like an ass@&#*. Your mother isn't much better for allowing this.
You need to kick him out...it's your apartment right? Your money that's paying for it right?
Kick him out. No exceptions.
 

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Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
 

quote:

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The key is to escalate it abruptly to a level that he was not expecting and didn't want.

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quote:

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This can be very dangerous if you aren't absolutely confident that you'll win. I would not recommend it.

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quote:

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Originally posted by katharina:
Alt, that's abuse. Your brother is utterly wrong to treat you that way. I'm sorry your mother isn't helping. I would get out of that situation as fast as I could. I hope you can return to student housing.

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quote:

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Originally posted by Tatiana:
You can come here if you don't have another place to stay.

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But you're so far away!
 

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Posted by cmc (Member # 9549) on :
 
Wow, Altáriël of Dorthonion, I'm thinking of you.

I don't have any suggestions other than get out of there as quick as you can. Sounds like one of those things that not only suck in the moment but the memories suck for a while afterwards as well.

Your brother's, quite frankly, a selfish and immature loser for what he did with your computer and everything else. Maybe he sees that you're trying to live up to your potential and making great strides at getting there and just wants to shoot you down. Who knows - but you do need to get away from him. I hesitate to ever tell people that they need to do something - but he sounds like a 'life vampire'. I really hope that there's something workable for you in terms of getting out of there at least for a while, if not until January. I'm sorry if I'm speaking out of turn, considering I don't really KNOW you or your family.

Like I said, I'm thinking of you. If you need to talk to anyone (although plenty of others have also expressed this...) please feel free to email me.

Be Strong.
 

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Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
 
Alt, You are right you CANNOT do this alone and you shouldn't be trying. You are being abused. You DO NOT deserve this treatment. You need to get out of this situation NOW so that you can start healing. The longer you stay the worse it will be.

I know that we Hatrackers may be too far away to give you refuge. If you really want to stay with Anne Kate or anyone else here who has offered, I will send you the bus fare (seriously). If you have a friend of family member anywhere in the US who will take you in and give you safe harbor and support if you can just get there, I'll send you bus fare.

I recognize that this might not be a solution you want to pursue. You are in classes and it would mean giving that up and you probably have a slough of other reasons for staying in the area. But even if you have great reasons for staying in the same area, you don't have to have to stay in your current living situation for one more day and you shouldn't. Every town in the US has a battered women's shelter. They are there for people like you. Turning to one wouldn't be a sign of weakness or helplessness, it would be an act of strength and independence. You would be taking the first step to finding a long term solution to this problem. I'm sure that they would provide you with shelter and food and counselling right now and would help you find a long term living arrangement where you could be safe.

Waiting until you are seriously injured to seek this kind of help would be foolish. The way you have described the situation, you are going to get more seriously hurt. Either you will start cowtowing to your brothers every whim, which will break your soul, or you will make him so angry that he breaks your body. Don't wait until that happens.
 

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Posted by Libbie (Member # 9529) on :
 
I think most artists go through this. I don't have time to read the many responses here, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating anything here, but maybe you need to switch media for a while. Try painting, sculpting, different forms of drawing, anything to break you out of your rut.

As for the stuff with your brother, I so agree with everybody else. Do what you can to get the heck out of there. Almost anything it takes. Anything within reason. You CAN do it - we'll help you any way we can! I bet your inspiration and health will return once you're free of your brother.

My thoughts are with you. Try to find some peace now, even in small things. That will help you find the strength to get out.
 

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Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
 
Alt, I so very very much agree with everyone else - get out. Get out as fast as you can. Run, don't walk. Move. Take all your stuff and go. Don't worry about giving them any kind of notice at all - they haven't earned the right to that. Just get out and don't look back.

And I also agree that your mother is also abusive if only because a. she allows it to happen b. she justifies it and excuses it and c. she heaps all the household chores and responsibilities on you. Your mother is also responsible for what is happening in that house.

If you never speak to your brother again, I would completely understand it. If you can resolve things in such a way that you can be safe around him if only for limited periods of times with a bodyguard at your side, fine, if you WANT to, but don't be around him just to be polite to anyone else. You don't need that and there is no reason on this planet that you should ever feel obligated to.

I can't say this in strong enough terms. You need to get away from that environment and quickly.

Please please please please please let us know how we can help and please please please please please take anyone up on any of the offers that you need to. The offers aren't just out of politeness - take these good and kind souls here at their words and let them help you. They mean it.
 

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Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
 
I do live in a very disfunctional household, and yes my brother acted very savagely that day, but I have to tell you guys one thing: That night he acted up, I got really emotional with him (something that drives him insane) mostly because he had not acted like that in a long time. I've been living here for around two months already and it all that time he had not raised his hand to me. Of course we had our normal disagreements about things, but I was really surprised when he took it a step further. Thankfully my things were not damaged at all.
I forgot to tell one bit of information, when I came back from the laundry room after my mother had talked to him, I went inside the bedroom still sobbing and he comes in and asks for an apology. He said that he was sorry for what he did, but that I knew he had to get up aroun 4a to go to work. "Besides," he said, "I tried to throw your things in places where they wouldn't get broken(the pile of dirty clothes on the ground)."

I just told him to go away because I seriously didn't want him anywhere near me. This happened about a month ago and he has not touched me since then. Although yesterday he made a comment that really irked me: I was just serving myself some cereal(he had bought it) and he told me to "leave his cereal alone." I responded with a "Look, I just want to eat something that is quick and easy to prepare. And shut up because whenever you get hungry [u]I[/u] have to cook." He didn't bother me afterwards.
 

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Posted by Euripides (Member # 9315) on :
 
You must have felt that you misrepresented your brother slightly, but I think that the advice to leave when convenient is still something to think about.

I know you must still love your family, and coming from an self-centred 18 year old who's first priority in life is his own work, this might not mean much; but I think you will be happier and more productive in a different environment. Even if you normally don't need to fear from your brother, his standard behaviour towards you seems contemptuous. It's not a surprise that you are feeling depressed, and that it's slowing you down with your work. And that is besides having to look after the household, which can be a full-time job in itself, as you no doubt know.

None of us can really judge exactly how bad your situation is and how much you would get out of leaving, so I think you should think hard about it and follow Claudia's advice; write down what your needs and ambitions are. Figure out which ones are being satisfied, and which would be satisfied when you leave. See how the pros and cons weigh, and make a decision.

I don't know if leaving for a women's shelter is overkill, or whether you'd feel comfortable moving in with a friend or another Hatracker. But I would say within the next year, make plans to leave. Preferably in January when your finances will allow it, or earlier. That's what I would do, from the information you've shared.

Stay strong!

[ December 01, 2006, 06:38 AM: Message edited by: Euripides ]
 

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Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
 
Alt, it doesn't matter that you got emotional, which drives him crazy. It doesn't matter that he later apologized and gave some excuse. It doesn't matter that he didn't break your arms or legs or send you to the hospital or break your stuff.

It matters that he threw your very expensive equipment that you need for school around. It matters that he held your head to the floor with his foot. It matters that this is a regular pattern of behavior. It matters that he continues to behave badly and abusively. It matters that your mother did nothing to stop it. It matters that your mother did not punish him for his bad behavior. It matters that she allows it to continue.

It matters that their behavior is sucking the life out of you and that it has you cowering in fear.

You matter. You matter very much. Your happiness matters. Your goals and dreams and aspirations matter. Your future matters.

You matter.
 

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Posted by Olivet (Member # 1104) on :
 
Geez, Alt. What quid said. It's easy to get into that space where you just kind of assume you don't matter, but you do. It may be bad to think you matter too much, or that you matter more than others (which I think your brother is doing-- assuming he matters more than you) but it is worse for you, personally, to think that you don't matter as much as others. Or that you somehow asked him to throw your stuff around and hold your face to the floor with his foot. YOu did NOT ask for that.
 

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Posted by Libbie (Member # 9529) on :
 
Completely seconding quidscribis here. She is TOTALLY RIGHT. Abuse with nice behavior later doesn't mean that abuse never happened.

You need to leave. If you can find some therapy, you should think about getting into it. Your school will probably cover it - you'd be surprised what schools will cover. I'm worried that you may end up with an abusive partner later in life and be unable to get out of that situation. You need to make yourself strong and make yourself unable to accept being treated this way - by anybody. Please make that a focus in your life now so that you don't fall into such a trap when you're older.

We love you, and we want you to be happy. (((((((((((((((((((Alt.)))))))))))))))))))
 

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Posted by Tatiana (Member # 6776) on :
 
Alt, quid and others who have told you that you need to leave now this instant are speaking from personal experience, dearly bought. Abused people think it's not all that bad, that they at least partially deserve it, that they aren't in any real danger, and that they aren't justified in making a fuss. All these things are incorrect. I stopped the physical abuse at age 36. I should have done it at age 6 instead, as soon as I was old enough to choose a direction and head in that direction. It's a decision only you can make, a first step that only you can take. Once you are away from the abuse, (and the physical part is only the tip of the iceberg) then you can finally recognize the terrible damage it has done and continues to do every day you let it go on.

For a long time I told myself that since I knew the truth (that the abuse was wrong) and I knew I was worthy (though treated with contempt) and I knew that he was the sick one, that it wasn't really harming me mentally and emotionally. I was mistaken about that. Abuse erodes your selfness, no matter if you know better or not. It damages you deeply. Though you may love him and want him to respect you, though you may sometimes feel sorry for him and not mind him venting his anger on you since it makes him feel better, though you may see that he is pathetic and you sympathize, you still are taking deep damage to your self. It's still very wrong, and causing terrible harm. You very much need to make it stop.

You matter. You are precious, a child of God. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, and I don't want to offend them or impose mine upon you, but my religion teaches that each one of us is of inestimable worth, and has a divine nature. We are each greatly loved by someone far, far above us, someone who is wiser and more knowledgeable than any human we've ever known. You are exceedingly precious, and deserve to be treated with love, gentleness, and patience. You are a treasure, and nobody, absolutely nobody, is allowed to press your head under his foot. Not even once. Not even if he's sorry later. Please leave that place now.

I would again tell you that if you decide to stay, it's absolutely imperative that you begin to physically and mentally dominate your brother. While it isn't 100% safe, I would strongly state that it's far far safer and better to do this than to stay and continue to let him dominate you. It doesn't take strength, what it takes is ruthlessness and determination. Each time he begins to physically abuse you, you simply cause him intense pain, then break it off and leave for a long time. It usually will take one time, but at most two. You could keep a hefty stick handy, for instance, and have a solid determination to use it. A good smack across the hand or forearm could be an excellent painful stimulus for him. Almost no bullies have any real guts. They are all (that I ever encountered) interested in bullying only those who can't or won't fight back.

Be prepared for your mother, who has turned her blind eye to him physically injuring you for all this time, to consider you insane, and be very angry at you for hurting him back. Be prepared for everyone to completely miss the fact that you strike only in defense while he strikes for amusement or to vent his anger. Be dispassionate about it, but be very very determined. Train him to never touch you again.

The reason this is such a good solution, is that it doesn't rely on any authority or benefactor whatsoever. It comes from inside you, and nobody can take it away from you. Be determined not to let it happen again.
 

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Posted by Tatiana (Member # 6776) on :
 
Thinking about this, I have one more thing I want to say. If you protect yourself by appeal to some authority, then he will just wait until that authority is absent. If what is keeping him in check is anything other than a healthy respect for you personally, and possibly a bit of fear for how crazy you can be when you are hit, then he will wait until that other factor is not in force. The thing that protects you now and forever is a ruthless determination not to let him do that to you ever again not even one more time never.

Bullies never do this to people who fight back. Instead they get all hurt and whiny and just can't believe you would do something so mean to them as to hurt them when they try to beat you up. They run to mommy and say "she hit me!" in astonishment and dismay. Then they never bother you again. That's how it goes down. Don't bother to argue. Don't bother to discuss. Allow them all to find out that things work differently now. Be dispassionate and cold about it. You are living with a dangerous wild animal. It's essential for your life and wellbeing that you train this animal quickly never to mess with you. Negative reinforcement is the fastest, and possibly the only way that works. After one time, when he goes to hurt you again, his hindbrain will tell him "stop stop pain pain don't do it". And it will have come from you, from inside yourself. It's a healthy and grown-up thing to realize that nobody but you will or can stop it from happening, but that you have the personal power and determination inherent in yourself to make it stop and keep it from happening ever again.

[ December 07, 2006, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: Tatiana ]
 

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Posted by Zeugma (Member # 6636) on :
 
Tatiana, I know your advice comes from a desire to help, but I can't disagree strongly enough with the idea that Alt should respond to this by hitting her older, bigger, stronger brother with a stick whenever he gets angry.

It's clear that this method worked for you, and I'm very glad it did, but there is NO guarantee that anyone else would get the same results, and the risk involved in further provoking an already violent and sometimes abusive person.... this is not sound advice for a 19 year old girl.
 

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Posted by Tatiana (Member # 6776) on :
 
It's okay that you disagree. You aren't the one being hit, so you will tend to feel that way. It really is best if one can get away and never go back, but that's not always an option. There are some millieus (one of them being my abusive family, and another being my rough high school) in which there is simply no other option beside generating in those around you a healthy respect for your person in this manner.

Do not pick fights or be argumentative. Reach inside yourself, instead, and find the personal power not to let it continue. When hit or beat, cause intense pain then break it off. It's very effective and much safer than letting the physical abuse continue.
 

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Posted by Primal Curve (Member # 3587) on :
 
An angry, abusive person is unpredictable. A blow that at one moment completely disarms them may, in the next, escalate the situation. Hit someone with a stick, they may hit you back with a metal pipe.

The best way to prevent physical abuse is to avoid it entirely. Just leave.
 

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Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
 
I feel like I am having another one of a series of attacks that I've been getting for quite a while.

They're not violent or anything, it's just that sometimes when I am just minding my business, like right now, out of the blue, I get flooded with a horrible feeling of lonelyness.

I start crying, this lasts for a few minutes. of "emoness" and afterwards, it's like it never happened. I feel great again.

Why could this be happening to me? Could it be some sort of imbalance?
I've already stated that I feel very lonely, but is it normal for me to be flooded with that feeling and then suddenly feel all the better again as if nothing had happened at all?

In other words, I go from ok, to suicidal(only in thought, I'd never attempt to take my life) to ok again in very little time, say 10 minutes.
 

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Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
 
I'm sure that it CAN be very effective, but I would imagine that it can also incite the other person to more violence.

I had a friend who was abused by her older brother. One day, he was choking her, and she punched him in the stomach. He stopped, but came back 5 minutes later with a baseball bat and broke her arm.

I'm just pointing out that while taking a stand and refusing to be a victim is a valuable effort, reacting to violence with more violence isn't always a safe answer. It works if the other person is unwilling to escalate the violence any further, but it doesn't work if the other person is willing to go further than you are.
 

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Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
 

quote:

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Originally posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion:


Why could this be happening to me? Could it be some sort of imbalance?

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