I know people have the right to them, but sometimes I wish people would keep their opinions to themselves! It seems like no matter what people do there's always someone to chime in and state how it won't work or how it's a bad idea. Chances are- PEOPLE ARE ALREADY AWARE OF THAT! If a person is fat, nine times out of ten they already know and they don't need comments about how they should lose weight from people with fast metabolisms, it just makes things worse. I end up being aware of certain problems friends of mine might have, but I don't say anything about it, but let me make the slightest mistake, I never get to hear the end of it whether it's relatives, friends or whatever. I've had enough. Whatever I'm going to do, it's decided. My own flaws or imperfections or lack of confidence will not stand in the way, I will do what I have to do. I need people's opinions and reality checks like i need a hole in my head because I already spend most of my time and stay up half the night thinking about all the things that are wrong with me. It's not that particular statement in one of my adoption topics, but a lot of stuff I've observed. People need positivity. They get negativity handed down to them like baby food as kids enough as it is. It won't make things better, it will just set people back. There has to be a way to bring out the best in people without cutting them down. Take adoption for example, I've been reading this adoption forum. Do people who are already going to get their lives scrutinized by the government and possibly foreign governments need strangers and friends cutting them down? They mean well, they think they are helping a person or something, but they really are not!
No one cares what you think about their gay lifestyle No one cares if you object to their religion, it's their life and they got to live it for themselves. why do people spend so much time fretting over the holes in other people's fences when they got elephants stomping through theirs? Why can't people just leave each other alone and only bother each other if there's something like abuse involved. Then they should criticise! other than that they need to keep their disapproval to themselves and use it at the right time!
[ December 26, 2006, 12:02 PM: Message edited by: Synesthesia ]
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
But there is a big difference, I think, between constructive criticism and cutting someone down. When someone is telling you something (however hurtful it may be) with the goal of helping you overcome and/or better deal with a problem, that is an act of kindness, not an attack.
Not that it makes it easy to accept such criticism. As I said, it can be extremely painful. But it's the difference between someone cutting you with a knife because they are a surgeon, versus someone cutting with a knife to injure you.
Intent matters.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
I know they mean well, but nine times out of ten they do this when I'm at my lowest. Case in point, a friend of mine scolding me about wearing camo pants all the time. What's it to her if I want to do that? I already felt like steaming crap back them, my self esteem couldn't have been lower back them. The last thing i needed was being fussed at over pants and hearing how her family thought I was a loser when they are not perfect themselves. I know I'm messy, disorgainized and need to lose weight, what good does it do to hear other people tell me this when I'm already nagging myself about this? I say people should just wait until by some fluke i do drugs and develop a problem with alcohol (not likely, I hate drugs and I can't drink more than a tiny amount of booze without getting a headache.) Then they can criticise me. But they must not fuss at me every five seconds over things that happened years ago when I've already learned my lesson. Case in point, the problems i had with getting a decent job. I was stuck working at the supermarket for nearly 2 years, mostly because of fear and social phobia, fear of trying to get a better job. Once i learned that offices are not so bad and that it's so much better to make in a week what you'd make at the supermarket in a month I learned my lesson. Back in June when I was facing losing an unpleasant job, I stepped to the bat and applied for a good deal of jobs, made phone calls about getting jobs and even got the guts to call up a supervisor from a job I worked last year. Which is why I'm working here today instead of back at the supermarket or something. I'm on the path, it doesn't seem like it, but I am. I'm doing a heck of a lot better than i was last year and I will get the guts to push for a full time job. I don't need anyone to criticize when I know i am doing what I can to overcome this stupid social phobia and do push for a better life.\
Also i spelled criticize in the British way and the American way. That's just weird.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
I am very glad you are doing so much better, Syn.
And maybe the reason you react so badly to constructive criticism is that you (apparently) hear so much criticism -- and not all of it even with good intentions, it sounds like.
But Squicky is right. I thought about posting something similar, but my impression (which you are supporting all too well) was that you would not be able to hear it.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Syn, I'm glad to hear that you've turned things around with regard to your job situation. Congratulations! That's fantastic news.
Posted by MrSquicky (Member # 1802) on :
That is really wonderful about the job Syn. Sounds like you might be on your way.
I know it may not seem like it to you, but nothing would make me happier than you having a really wonderful life.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote:I need people's opinions and reality checks like i need a hole in my head because I already spend most of my time and stay up half the night thinking about all the things that are wrong with me.
What you need is a little badge that says "I don't care what you think, so don't tell me." That should help.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
quote:Originally posted by MrSquicky: That is really wonderful about the job Syn. Sounds like you might be on your way.
I know it may not seem like it to you, but nothing would make me happier than you having a really wonderful life.
I know this, but it still makes me so furious when folks point out my flaws when I know and I'm actively trying to work on them... Especially the messiness thing, but I think that might be hopeless. I am a bad person as I hate cleaning so much -_-.
Posted by Megan (Member # 5290) on :
Syn, I've been working on the whole "Hating cleaning does not make me a bad person" thing for myself for a while now. It does not make you a bad person. Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
I still have to work on it though. I guess the thing is, when people criticize me too much it has a way of making me feel incredibly stupid, then it's like 2001 all over again or being some powerless kid, and then I get depressed, and if I get depressed, how can I keep going forward? I'm not an unrealistic person, I just want to move forward and not repeat the stupid mistakes of several years ago and repeat the same patterns, and how can I do this if people keep bringing up stuff from the past I did like i'm still doing it? I wish I could find a way to make myself clearer, or perhaps i am trying too hard to be polite and let my anger just build.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
Work on it, fine, but judge yourself harshly? No. Being messy does not equal bad person.
It sounds like you're judging yourself too harshly, giving yourself labels like "bad" or "lazy" or other such things when they're really not necessary, and those labels make change that much harder to accomplish. If you already think of yourself as bad, it really is that much harder to change.
Why not, instead of labelling, make observations. Not "I'm bad because I didn't clean." But just "I didn't clean." Nothing added to the observation. No labels, no criticisms, no self-condemnation. Just observations. Try that out, and see if that feels differently for you.
Personally, it makes a difference with me. Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
It feels like if people saw the chaos of where I live, complete with hay and random books they'd judge me. They'd be like OMG! Yer so MESSY!!!! But, really, one huge problem I have is I hate doing things that are boring. I'll do the laundry because I have no choice, but I fail to see the point of making the bed. But, I'll work on it and not look down on myself too much for it. I really just wish I'd throw away these darn boxes. Why do I need these boxes? I order Bernie's hay online and I just keep them... and these papers and books reproduce.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Syn, have you ever tried the FlyLady?
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
I'm going to follow them as part of my New Year's resolution. They give good advice in a polite way.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
FlyLady is great! Fantastic for helping us less-than-stellarly-clean types. Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Yeah, they're fun and funny. And quite helpful, even if you can't follow everything. Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
But who cares? Really, any amount of improvement is still improvement, and even doing half what's recommended is still, well, going to result in a much, much cleaner house. Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
(Congratulations on moving to a job more suited to you, Syn. )
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
quote:Originally posted by ClaudiaTherese: (Congratulations on moving to a job more suited to you, Syn. )
Thanks I love this job The next step is to get a permanent job. Perminent is one of those words I just can't spell.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote:Originally posted by quidscribis: But who cares? Really, any amount of improvement is still improvement, and even doing half what's recommended is still, well, going to result in a much, much cleaner house.
Oh, definitely! But some "systems" for housecleaning can be discouraging if you don't stay perfectly in line with the "program." FlyLady is realistic and helpful regardless of where you're at.
Posted by stihl1 (Member # 1562) on :
If you don't want other people's opinions, then you shouldn't post on a message board. That's what people are going to do, post opinions. And frankly, if people went through life agreeing with you and telling you how right you are, you'd never learn anything.
What your problem is isn't other people's opinions, it's how you handle other people's opinions. For the most part, disagreeing or being critical isn't a personal attack. It's just disagreeing. And that doesn't mean your opinion is worthless, it just means someone has an opposing viewpoint. You can't stomp out opposing opinions, you can't argue them out of the other person. The best thing to do is try to understand that viewpoint, either agree or disagree and move on. Sometimes it might be a great point, sometimes it might be crap. Either way it doesn't invalidate you.
Frankly, I started posting on message boards to find opposing opinions. If I wanted someone who agreed with me I'd talk to myself. I wanted opposition so I could learn. And I do that quite a bit.
IMO, this is just another sign of the damage done to you by growing up in an abusive household. Your lack of self confidence and self doubt comes directly from that. These are issues you should be working out, trying to make yourself better. Instead of yelling at someone that you don't need to hear 'criticism' or dissenting opinions.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
(In response to rivka) Yes, exactly, which is part of what I meant and obviously didn't get across. It's just all across the board useful.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
Yes, I know I lack self confidence, but I can no longer sit quietly while people insist on acting like I am an irresponsible teenager instead of an adult on the path of maturity. For too long I've had to put up with it from friends and family members who were really not in the best position, so why should they lecture me? I struggled through college, but got my degree, I haven't had irresponsible sex (or any for that matter) or done drugs, I can't really drink alcohol that well. Yes, I know I'm unorganized, and I'm not completely mature, but do you really think I'm the sort of person who would adopt a child who probably will have a lot of issues like attachment issues and issues with their unknow parents and DAMAGE them? Do you think that because my mother, when I lived with her for a few years hit me with a belt out of her rage that I'd do that to a child of mine? All I can do half the time is to think of things my parents did (though, understand, they weren't completely bad, and if it wasn't for my grandmother, I probably would be less stable than I am) and how I'd do things different. Or at least I hope I will. I hate it when people hit me right where I'm the most sensitive or at my lowest time. They can't ever find a tackful way to say things and I just feel like It's 2001 all the time and I'll never get any better... What good does that do? I go out of my way to not do to other people what I hate being done to me.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
You may not care about my opinion, Syn, but I'm putting it out there, anyway.
In my opinion, you are a valuable member of this community and an asset to Hatrack.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote:I'm not completely mature, but do you really think I'm the sort of person who would adopt a child who probably will have a lot of issues like attachment issues and issues with their unknow parents and DAMAGE them?
In all honesty, I think it takes a very special person to adopt a child with major issues and NOT damage them. You aren't seriously considering adopting someone at this stage of your life, are you?
Posted by stihl1 (Member # 1562) on :
Syn, it's got nothing to do with what you WANT to do or how you'd think you'd act with a child. It's got everything to do with how you were raised. People are doomed to repeat learned behavior. How do you think things like abuse get passed from one generation to the next? You obviously have anger issues, something like that doesn't just disappear because you want it to. It takes time, counseling, and patience to understand how the things you have experienced have affected you. No matter what your best intentions are, you can't change that by wishing it away. No matter how I dispised the crappy stuff I had to deal with growing up, I still find myself repeating some of it in small ways when dealing with my kids. I watch my older sisters dealing with their kids and see almost mirror images of how my mother dealt with us, despite years of complaining and commiserating about the crap we had to deal with. My brother, despite how much he hated my father, is the spitting image of him in his actions and behaviors. It's not a simple as wishing it away.
As I said in the other thread, the issues you have aren't going to go away with a child. They only get worse and compound. If you don't like people 'criticizing' you now and offering other opinions, what are you going to do when the kid starts talking back and disagreeing with you when he/she gets older? All these problems you have with other people are going to magnify when you begin dealing with a child.
Honestly, I don't see you as a responsible adult on the road to maturity. You come off like you're about 17, an angry 17. Especially with the way you deal with 'criticism' or other opinions. I think you are in denial as to the issues you have and how you have been abused.
BTW, no one's judging you. I'm just telling you how I see it. I can pick up on these things through how you interact here on the board and what you've written about. I'm just offering up my opinion on the situation from my experiences. You don't have to agree with it, or like it, but I only hope you listen to it.
And frankly, I don't say these thing to make you feel bad or put you down. If I didn't want better things for you I wouldn't bother, believe me. But your posts, what you write, is heart breaking to me. Believe me, I'm not exactly a crusader.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
quote:Originally posted by Tante Shvester: You may not care about my opinion, Syn, but I'm putting it out there, anyway.
In my opinion, you are a valuable member of this community and an asset to Hatrack.
Thanks! What a nice thing to say
quote: In all honesty, I think it takes a very special person to adopt a child with major issues and NOT damage them. You aren't seriously considering adopting someone at this stage of your life, are you?
At this stage, no, it's not possible. I'm in a scronky apartment on a temp job. Plus, all I can do is worry that I might take my pent up anger out on a child. That I couldn't stand. I have a very bad habit of just... repressing rage, and I have a ton of it and I dont' really have an outlet for it. I just get so mad over things that happened ages ago, and the last thing i want is to be like my mother was when I lived with her. Once she hit me over leaving tuna fish out, which was just stupid. But suppose I did somehting like that? Got mad at a kid over spilling milk or bad grades and just... crushed their souls or something. It's really worrying me. I'd never want to do that, but what if I did? That's why adoption is not something I'd do until years from now, I'm not even eligible now because i'm not 30 yet. But it's really worrying me. I can't understand why I want to do it...
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
I'm in counseling now... Mostly because of social phobia. I am determined NOT to repeat the past. Why else have I spent so much time doing research, reading endless amounts of books on the subject of abuse and being concerned about it since I was six? You make it sound like it's set in stone, like because a person went through certain things they will most definetly repeat their parents mistakes. I don't think that attitude is completely right. I'm determined not to pass that sort of thing on.
But it's so hard not to be angry when I tget this sort of thing constantly, exactly how should i behave if I don't want to ebe treated like some sort of 17 year old, because I've really gotten tired of just taking certain things. Just putting up with people implying that I don't think things out, that I am not on the path to becoming more responsible. i just can't take much it much longer. I'm not going to do this anymore, to be a doormat and sit silently and patiently while people just judge me constantly when I go out of my way not to do the same. No more. Also, if by some fluke I have kids, I hope i can teach them not ot be this way and not to just repress their anger until it just explodes. It's just tempting to tell you to F off, but I know you mean well, so what good does that do? I just hate being hit right where it hurts. All I can do these days is wonder, will I be the same as my parents? Will I marry a man that's indifferent to the children and be too aggressive with my kids so that when they get to be my age and have a problem they won't confide in me? You have no idea how much this is worrying me and bothering me all the time, and I cannot understand why I bother arguing because you will just continue to think I'm immature. Everything i say will just contribute to this mindset, and nothing I do will really change your mind. So I will simply work on this problem, deal with these issues head on so when I do have kids I don't use that Old School way of raising kids in which you hit them over stupid reasons just because you're angry and having a bad day. I won't make the same mistakes as my parents, at least I hope i won't. I've observed my family my whole life and the sort of mistakes they made, having children too young and before they were ready, hitting them, nagging and lecturing and having children without really thinking about the concequences of it. I hate that it's so easy for people to have children... so easy to make them and so hard for people to think of what they went through. But if you are aware and your eyes are open, you can avoid repeating your mistakes. Never again will I blindly do the same stupid things over and over and expect different results. Such as trying to argue my point with certain folks who will not believe me no matter what.
quote:Originally posted by stihl1: Syn, it's got nothing to do with what you WANT to do or how you'd think you'd act with a child. It's got everything to do with how you were raised. People are doomed to repeat learned behavior. How do you think things like abuse get passed from one generation to the next? You obviously have anger issues, something like that doesn't just disappear because you want it to. It takes time, counseling, and patience to understand how the things you have experienced have affected you. No matter what your best intentions are, you can't change that by wishing it away. No matter how I dispised the crappy stuff I had to deal with growing up, I still find myself repeating some of it in small ways when dealing with my kids. I watch my older sisters dealing with their kids and see almost mirror images of how my mother dealt with us, despite years of complaining and commiserating about the crap we had to deal with. My brother, despite how much he hated my father, is the spitting image of him in his actions and behaviors. It's not a simple as wishing it away.
As I said in the other thread, the issues you have aren't going to go away with a child. They only get worse and compound. If you don't like people 'criticizing' you now and offering other opinions, what are you going to do when the kid starts talking back and disagreeing with you when he/she gets older? All these problems you have with other people are going to magnify when you begin dealing with a child.
Honestly, I don't see you as a responsible adult on the road to maturity. You come off like you're about 17, an angry 17. Especially with the way you deal with 'criticism' or other opinions. I think you are in denial as to the issues you have and how you have been abused.
BTW, no one's judging you. I'm just telling you how I see it. I can pick up on these things through how you interact here on the board and what you've written about. I'm just offering up my opinion on the situation from my experiences. You don't have to agree with it, or like it, but I only hope you listen to it.
And frankly, I don't say these thing to make you feel bad or put you down. If I didn't want better things for you I wouldn't bother, believe me. But your posts, what you write, is heart breaking to me. Believe me, I'm not exactly a crusader.
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
quote:But it's really worrying me. I can't understand why I want to do it...
Syn do you have access through insurance or any other way to a therapist? This is the kind of thing that's really good to hash out with a professional.
I'm no professional, by any means, but your posts lately and this obsession you have with adoption sounds a lot like someone who is obsessing on future plans as a way of avoiding having to deal with her present. Considering you have an abusive background and have had problems with stability, I think if you are serious about adoption in the future, you should concentrate on you. The best thing you can do for a child is bring him/her into a stable, loving home.
You don't have a stable, loving home. You don't strike me as a person who likes herself where she is right now. You have a chaotic, emotionally charged home and it's not a great place for a child at the moment. I know you aren't talking about doing to today, but if you are serious about doing it in the future, the first place to start is by making yourself and your home ready for a child. That means quit reading message boards about adoption, quit obsessing over costs of adopting, and instead focus on doing something that will in fact put you further down that road - getting to a point where you are a happy, stable person who has a lot to offer a child. I think talking with a therapist to help sort out all this would be very helpful.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote:Just putting up with people implying that I don't think things out, that I am not on the path to becoming more responsible.
My brother was a drug addict for years, and supported his addiction through dealing and prostitution. He repeatedly ditched jobs and lost gigs -- he's a professional pianist -- and the like, all for reasons which seemed perfectly sensible and logical to himself but which appeared insane to everyone else.
About two years ago, he seriously determined to turn things around and put himself on the right track -- and I'm ashamed to say that many people took this with a sizable grain of salt, because they'd trusted him before and had been burned. He had to overcome a LOT of judgemental tsk-tsking and skepticism -- but he DID it.
The best thing to do in this situation is to grit your teeth and prove everyone wrong.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
Actually, I think I know exactly why I want to adopt even before I have my own biological kids. But I won't go into that. I seem to be at that age where a person wants to start a family. But, I admit, my position isn't perfect, but it's better than it was two, three years ago. When people make certain statements it just seems to negate all the progress I've made. Trying to get over my social phobia so I can have a full time job and make more money. Focusing on what I really want to do, which I don't want to talk about because I'm so sick and tired of people telling me it's impossible, but to me it's a matter of taking all the experiences of the last few years and all those hurt feelings and turning them into something that hopefully will be awesome. I'm not avoiding dealing with the present, this is how I operate. I focus on a goal and think of what I have to do to achieve it. I have to improve myself. it's an ongoing, never ending progress. But, it seems that no matter what I do, having a full time job, working lots of overtime, it's still not good enough. My mother, for example, will still choose to see the worst in me. So it's frustrating to go on a board where you want to unwind and get stuck with these sort of comments. I'm not the same person I was in 2001. I have learned a lot since 2002 and 2003 and i am using it now not to fall into the same trap.
But when folks say, having problems with stability they make it sound like i was on drugs or drinking heavily or something like that, when I wasn't. I've had problems with money, with jobs, but, hopefully I can leave this behind me and beging to create a better future. But i'm tired of trying to explain myself all the time. I give up. I really wish I'd keep certain things to myself....
quote:Originally posted by Belle:
quote:But it's really worrying me. I can't understand why I want to do it...
Syn do you have access through insurance or any other way to a therapist? This is the kind of thing that's really good to hash out with a professional.
I'm no professional, by any means, but your posts lately and this obsession you have with adoption sounds a lot like someone who is obsessing on future plans as a way of avoiding having to deal with her present. Considering you have an abusive background and have had problems with stability, I think if you are serious about adoption in the future, you should concentrate on you. The best thing you can do for a child is bring him/her into a stable, loving home.
You don't have a stable, loving home. You don't strike me as a person who likes herself where she is right now. You have a chaotic, emotionally charged home and it's not a great place for a child at the moment. I know you aren't talking about doing to today, but if you are serious about doing it in the future, the first place to start is by making yourself and your home ready for a child. That means quit reading message boards about adoption, quit obsessing over costs of adopting, and instead focus on doing something that will in fact put you further down that road - getting to a point where you are a happy, stable person who has a lot to offer a child. I think talking with a therapist to help sort out all this would be very helpful.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
I know, but it's kind of depressing to me. I thought this sort of thing was...over. That I wouldn't be forced back into the role of this depressed person that everyone sees as irresponsible and immature. So I simply will not be forced into this role again. Instead I will try to withdrawal from the net more and focus on doing something else that just has to be done.
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson:
quote:Just putting up with people implying that I don't think things out, that I am not on the path to becoming more responsible.
My brother was a drug addict for years, and supported his addiction through dealing and prostitution. He repeatedly ditched jobs and lost gigs -- he's a professional pianist -- and the like, all for reasons which seemed perfectly sensible and logical to himself but which appeared insane to everyone else.
About two years ago, he seriously determined to turn things around and put himself on the right track -- and I'm ashamed to say that many people took this with a sizable grain of salt, because they'd trusted him before and had been burned. He had to overcome a LOT of judgemental tsk-tsking and skepticism -- but he DID it.
The best thing to do in this situation is to grit your teeth and prove everyone wrong.
Posted by BannaOj (Member # 3206) on :
Syn,
A few things you've said really resonate with me. I was the good kid. Got a scholarship to college. Didn't get pregnant. Yada yada yada. But my parents were always *extremely* critical of me. I didn't get hit physically so much. But despite having a well-paying job, owning a house and everything else. Some People still don't think I'm capable of living my own life or making my own decisions. And you know what. I still believe them in some ways even though I *have* proved them wrong. It's a holdover I've inherited... I still don't believe I'm good enough.
I could afford to adopt a child. But I probably won't. You know why? Because I don't think I'd make a good parent. I mean if I *had* to be a parent I'd do the best I could to be a decent one. But if I don't feel like a "grownup" myself even though I'm 28 I don't have any business having a kid.
Of course there are those that say that having a child makes you feel "Grown up" and there probably is an element of truth to that. But it isn't a risk I'm willing to take, when I don't believe in myself yet.
AJ
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
Right now, at this second, I probably would not mke a good parent, I probably would get stepped on by a kid and have trouble with disciplining them because I'd want to be gentle with them because of their background, but to not spoil them just because they have been deprived in a way. But, in two years, I think it will be different. The decisions I make now will effect the shape of the future. Considering things, living life with my eyes wide open and being aware of things instead of just letting life happen, now that will help. But, right now, I still want to have some months to hve a bit of fun within reason, the way I want to eat cake despite having to start losing weight and eating more things that are healthy instead of cake with homemade frosting. Right now, I admit, I want to slack off, but i also want to work like hell to get to a better position so that people begin to shut up. But then they will just ask me for money.
Posted by stihl1 (Member # 1562) on :
quote:Originally posted by Synesthesia: You make it sound like it's set in stone, like because a person went through certain things they will most definetly repeat their parents mistakes. I don't think that attitude is completely right. I'm determined not to pass that sort of thing on.
That's good, and a start. It's not set in stone, but it's a fact that your behavior and actions are affected by childhood trauma. Whether or not you repeat the past is up to you. You have to really want to change and WORK at changing, not just with yourself but with someone who sees an outside view of you and your behavior. I'm not saying you are doomed to repeat the things you experienced, but you have to understand and work at those things.
And back to the topic of the thread, you really have to work on being tolerant of other opinions. You take stuff really personally when people disagree with you, and for the most part it isn't a personal attack on you.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
It's hard to be tolerant when people are just posting what I already know. I already know i'm not ready to care for a child, so someone pointing this out makes me angry and makes me think of all the other times people have said stuff like this to me in the past, and also what a friend of mine said the other day. I really wish she'd think before she spoke, it's a habit of hers that makes me annoyed.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Syn, have you considered NOT posting things that you might be critisized for?
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
quote:It's hard to be tolerant when people are just posting what I already know.
Why, exactly? If you already know this, why does it bother you to hear it.
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
quote:But when folks say, having problems with stability they make it sound like i was on drugs or drinking heavily or something like that, when I wasn't. I've had problems with money, with jobs, but, hopefully I can leave this behind me and beging to create a better future.
You seem to not understand what a child needs. They don't just need parents that don't drink heavily or do drugs. Though it's a good start, it's not all a child needs. A child needs a home with sufficient resources to provide the level of care he/she needs - which usually means at least one parent with a job and access to health insurance, etc. So yes, even though you don't drink or do drugs you still don't exhibit the type of stability that make me think you're ready to be a parent. If you have trouble holding down jobs and taking care of your living space and handling pressures, you don't need to have a baby or small child dependent on you.
You keep telling us "I know I'm not ready to have a child yet" then go on to tell us all the obsessive planning you've done. That's sending up major red flags for a lot of us. It is making us believe you are not mature or responsible and are just making plans instead of dealing with your life in the here and now.
We're saying these things not because we don't like you or don't believe you, but because 1) you invited us to make commments and 2) most of us are older and more experienced and hope you will benefit from our advice.
If you don't like hearing it, then perhaps you need to examine just WHY you don't like hearing it. And maybe, if it's really distressful to you, then you should take a break from the internet and go focus on making the positive changes in your life you want to make.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
Mostly because I end up feeling like someone thinks that I am like a teenager that is just going to go out and get knocked up in order to have someone that will love me unconditionally. That's not really the point of children. The point is to raise them so they can go out, live on their own as strong, independent adults. And, another point is to do a better job than your parents did and learn from their mistakes. At least that's now I see it. Also, saying that I have trouble holding down a job makes it sound like I've been fired from one job after another. This isn't the case. I had trouble finding a job back in 2002-2003, I was stuck on a job I hated from 2003-2005, I started doing temp work in 2005 and quit the job I hated when I stopped being afraid of offices and now I've been working on and off at BCBS for over a year. It's been off and on because I had this same job back in July until November when they had to let me go because of the BUDGET and not because of my work. I worked for more branches of BCBS and I worked briefly for state street which was from hell, but I've never really been fired, only let go from a job. There's a difference. Now to push past my stupid social phobia and push for a perminant job here because I really like working at this place and I don't want to get a new job come the end of March.
i mostly seem to get angry because it reminds me of all the lecturing I've had over the last few years from friends, from relatives from all sorts of people. In those cases it made me angry (but I repressed it, it really takes me too long to get angry, sometimes it can take me a year to get properly angry about something) because, for example, my friend told her family about some of the problems I was having after college. They thought I was a loser of sorts. The thing is, their own situations were not much better, so how could they judge me? I will not go out and have a child without thinking about it, getting insurance, getting a better job, a house and a better position. Being criticised when I know I'm doing better than I was before and when I know I'm on the right path just RANKLES me. It makes it seem like I'm slacking off, when I'm not...
Posted by Irami Osei-Frimpong (Member # 2229) on :
quote:The point is to raise them so they can go out, live on their own as strong, independent adults. And, another point is to do a better job than your parents did and learn from their mistakes.
I'm not sure that's true. I do think that I'd be more likely to read your posts if you skipped a line between paragraphs.
Posted by AvidReader (Member # 6007) on :
quote: The point is to raise them so they can go out, live on their own as strong, independent adults. And, another point is to do a better job than your parents did and learn from their mistakes.
I agree with Syn on that. I might say "give them an even better life than I had" but my childhood was pretty good. The divorce was the only real ugly point, and I've already told Chet we're not getting married unless we're both 100% sure. One divorce is enough for a lifetime.
I don't plan on having a kid for a while yet, but I can't wait to see what kind of person he or she becomes. What will they like or be good at? What will they think? How will they see the world?
I can't imagine what will be more fascinating than watching my child grow into a full and vibrant person completely separate from myself but carrying a part of me with them. Always.
Posted by Irami Osei-Frimpong (Member # 2229) on :
*shrugs* Strength and independence are over-rated, and the two qualities aren't tantamount to having a morally attractive character. Himmler was both strong and independent. bin Laden is another one, Castro, Hussein, al Sadr, Paris Hilton(her auxillary careers would more than pay the bills if she weren't an heiress), Brittany Spears, the Spice Girls, Marge Schott, Condolezza Rice, and Joe Mccarthy, all strong, independent people.
For the record, Syn, saying that you may delete the thread betrays both weakness and dependence.
Dependence is tricky business. To an extent, everyone is dependent and that's not a bad thing. It's part of what it means to live in a society, but the issue seems to be whether we clothe our reliances in a respectable dress.
[ December 27, 2006, 10:02 PM: Message edited by: Irami Osei-Frimpong ]
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
I'll teach them that too. To do the right thing no matter how hard it is.
How is it weak if I decide to delete it? It's just me ranting and trying to clarify things. I probably won't, as folks hate that, and so do I.
Posted by Irami Osei-Frimpong (Member # 2229) on :
quote:I'll teach them that too. To do the right thing no matter how hard it is.
And what's the right thing, again? Most of the decisions in my world stem from deciding between two different "right" answers and playing a hunch.
[ December 27, 2006, 10:29 PM: Message edited by: Irami Osei-Frimpong ]
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
quote:Mostly because I end up feeling like someone thinks that I am like a teenager that is just going to go out and get knocked up in order to have someone that will love me unconditionally.
No offense, but I have to agree with anyone who thinks you're like a teenager. Not in the sense of 'I'm gonna get knocked up so I can have a baby', but your whole outlook and attitude screams 'TEENAGER' to me. The angsty rants and the 'me against the world/who are they to judge me' indignation is all very teenagery, in my opinion.
And I'd like to hear a real answer to Dag's question, which was "Why does it bother you to hear something that you already know?"
You take it as an insult when you really shouldn't, in most cases. You're being very defensive in this thread, when all I'm seeing is people trying to help you. Some of the methods are not ones I'd have chosen, but I don't think anyone here has any motive beyond trying to show you different ways of looking at things.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
I know people are trying to help me The problem is that in the past I've had to put up with people telling me things like I don't know, like I don't think about it. It makes me angry. I can't realy help that. I've been repressing being mad for ages, and I've only just started getting irratated about the things that have annoyed me in the past. It just makes me mad when people assume that I do not think things out when I do... I know that sometimes a person needs criticism, but it seems like i have gotten criticism just about 90% of the time when I didn't need it. One cannot win. If you put up with things that frustrate you, you get to feel even more frustrated, and if you defend yourself, people think you're being immature when you're trying to clarify things repeatedly. I know i'm not ready yet. It's not completely relevant to try now in the first place. But thinking about it, planning motivates me in a way most people cannot understand. It doesn't seem to make sense to plan out for something that will happen years from now, but what can it hurt? Focusing on it helps me focus on what I need to change, it gives me the courage to try to seek a better position, it gives me motivation to try to improve things. It is not a way to avoid focusing on the present. To me it's a way of trying to upgrade, of seeing what's wrong and trying to improve things. That's why I feel that comments like, "you're not ready." are unnessasary because I know I'm not ready and that I need to mature.
Posted by Irami Osei-Frimpong (Member # 2229) on :
Paragraph breaks, Syn. I truly believe that the first step to better parenting begins with proper punctuation and the timely usage of the "Enter" button.
[ December 28, 2006, 06:44 PM: Message edited by: Irami Osei-Frimpong ]
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
It may not seem like it, but I'm on track and it feels fantastic. There's some degree of control.
Posted by enjeeo (Member # 2336) on :
quote:Originally posted by stihl1: If you don't want other people's opinions, then you shouldn't post on a message board. That's what people are going to do, post opinions. And frankly, if people went through life agreeing with you and telling you how right you are, you'd never learn anything.
What your problem is isn't other people's opinions, it's how you handle other people's opinions. For the most part, disagreeing or being critical isn't a personal attack. It's just disagreeing. And that doesn't mean your opinion is worthless, it just means someone has an opposing viewpoint.
I have to agree with Stihl. You are so worried about what other people think. You say you don't want opinions from others, yet putting your questions and ideas on a public discussion board says the opposite. Then when the replies don't validate your ideas or plans (read: agree with everything you say) you react negatively.
When you say, "It feels like if people saw the chaos of where I live, complete with hay and random books they'd judge me. They'd be like OMG! Yer so MESSY!!!!" it's important to realise that this comes from YOU, not them. YOU feel that people would do this. YOU are assuming you know what they would say and think. YOU are creating these judgments before the other people even make them.
"Right now, I admit, I want to slack off, but i also want to work like hell to get to a better position so that people begin to shut up."
Do you want to improve your life, or just get people to shut up about your life? Which is more important to you? If you learned to not be so sensitive to the opinions of others, then these opinions (given in a public forum as part of a discussion) would not have the power to hurt or offend you the way they do right now.
You also keep explaining that your over-reactive rant on discussion board opinions by saying things like:
"i mostly seem to get angry because it reminds me of all the lecturing I've had over the last few years from friends, from relatives from all sorts of people"
OR
"The problem is that in the past I've had to put up with people telling me things like I don't know, like I don't think about it. It makes me angry. I can't realy help that."
Why can't you help it? Are you not in control of your own responses? And why are Hatrack people paying the price for things that real life people said or did to you? Can't you separate the two in your mind? It's really, really obvious that there are people on here who genuinely care about you - don't lump them in with people in your life who don't.
If you really are on your way to being a responsible adult, then act like it. BE responsible...ABLE to control your RESPONSE. It will make all the difference.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I really, really hate the idea that people just shouldn't care what other people think, and that if they do it's a sign of some character flaw. I think that kind of response to anyone is a cop-out. This isn't in response to anything; I'm just throwing it out there. Saying, "You just need to learn not to care what other people think" is incredibly ridiculous, lazy advice.
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