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* A French, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are trapped by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you a last request." The German asks for a mug of beer and a bratwurst. He gets it, and cannibals eat him. The French asks for three girls. He has crazy sex with them, and then follows the German. The Russian asks: "Hit me hard, right on my nose." The chief is surprised, but hits him. The Russian pulls out a Kalashnikov and shoots all the cannibals. The mortally wounded chief asks him: "Why didn't you do this before we ate the German?", the Russian proudly replies: "Russians are not aggressors!" (Side note: This joke has also been used as a Jewish joke; more specifically, as an Israeli joke, as Israel is constantly feared of being seen as the 'aggressor')

* A Chukcha sits on the shore of the Bering Strait. An American submarine surfaces. The American captain opens the hatch and asks: "Which way is Alaska?" The Chukcha points his finger: "That way!" "Thanks!" says the American, shouts "South-South-East, bearing 159.5 degrees!" down the hatch and the submarine submerges. Ten minutes later a Soviet submarine emerges. The Russian captain opens the hatch and asks the Chukcha: "Where did the American submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "South-South-East bearing 159.5 degrees!" "Stop pulling my leg," says the Russian. "Just point with your finger!"

* A Frenchman, a Scotsman, and a Russian are drifting in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly they see a bottle bobbing on the waves. They uncork it, and a Genie comes out. For releasing him he's prepared to grant them each two wishes. The Scotsman says: "I want a bottle of whisky and to go back to Scotland," and promptly disappears. The French says: "I want a bottle of the finest Merlot, and to go back to France," and is sent on his way. The Russian considers it a moment and decides: "I want a case of vodka and the fellas back!"
o Side Note: This joke is a play on the fact that in Russia it is believed that three is the optimal amount of people for drinking. This in turn goes back to when in the Soviet Union a bottle of vodka cost 2 roubles 87 kopecks, 3 r. being a convenient price for three to buy a bottle and have 13 k. left for a snack, e.g., 100 grams of candy. A good deal of Soviet folklore is based on this interpretation of the "magical number 3".

* An Englishman, a German, and a Russian are testing their archery skills by shooting an apple positioned on a boy's head. The Englishman goes first and his arrow goes straight through the apple. Then, he exclaimed "I'm Robin Hood!" The German was second to go, and he also hit the apple dead center. He exclaimed "I'm Wilhelm Tell!" The Russian went third, but his arrow found the boy's forehead instead of the apple. He then said "I'm...sorry!"

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Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
 
Quick! Somone hack my computer I'm dying form laughter!

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A memo in a student dining hall: Students, do not drop your food on the floor, two cats have already died

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Q: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA?

A: In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, DC, and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.

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Five precepts of the Soviet intellectual: Do not think. If you think — do not speak. If you think and speak — do not write. If you think, speak and write — do not sign. If you think, speak, write and sign — don't be surprised.

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Q: Can fleas and ticks lead a revolution
A: In theory, yes. The blood of workers and peasants flows in their vains.

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Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly the train stops. Lenin suggests: "Perhaps, we should call a subbotnik, so that workers and peasants fix the problem." Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "If the driver does not start moving, the driver will be executed!" But the train doesn't start moving. Khrushchev then shouts, "Let's take the rails behind the train and use them to construct the tracks in the front". But it still doesn't move. Brezhnev then says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!"

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Q: Is it true that half of the Central Committee of the Communist Party are idiots?
A: It is not true. Half of them are not idiots.

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Q: What was permanent in the USSR?
A: Temporary difficulties.

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Mostly from Radio Yerevan
 

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Posted by Dr Strangelove (Member # 8331) on :
 
What are you in the bathroom?
European

What are you heading to the bathroom?
Russian.
 

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Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
 
An elderly woman, a young woman, a Russian officer, and a Polish soldier are riding in a train, sitting across from each other. The train goes through a tunnel, and is cast into darkness. There's the sound of a kiss, and a slap. When the train re-emerges into light, the Russian officer has a red hand-print on his cheek.

The elderly woman thinks: "I'm glad this lady stood up for herself, and didn't let that brutish Russian take any liberties."

The Russian officer thinks: "Blast that impudent young punk! He got a kiss, and I got slapped for his pains!"

The young woman thinks: "Well, it was clever of the Polish soldier to let the Russian take the punishment for getting a kiss. But I wonder why he kissed the old woman rather than me?"

The Polish soldier thinks: "What a clever man I am. I kissed the back of my hand, and slapped the Russian officer!"

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A Russian soldier comes across a young Jewish man studying Hebrew in a park. Sneering, he exclaims, "Why do you study Hebrew, you fool? You should know the government will never let you go to your 'Holy Land'."

The Jewish man replies, "I know that. But I like to think that in heaven, they speak Hebrew."

The soldier laughs. "But what if you do not go to heaven, Jewish dog?"

The young man shrugs. "Well, I already know how to speak Russian..."
 

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Posted by Dark as night (Member # 9577) on :
 
Blayne, how in the world do you know about vodka costing 2 roubles and 87 kopecks in the old USSR?
 

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Posted by General Sax (Member # 9694) on :
 
They where on the Vodka standard...
 

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Posted by Avatar300 (Member # 5108) on :
 

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The mortally wounded chief asks him: "Why didn't you do this before we ate the German?", the Russian proudly replies: "Russians are not aggressors!"

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