quote:

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No, I can't think of anyone else. Looking at your list I would say however, I would feel very uncomfortable in the presence of some of your guests. That, of course is not to say you shouldn't invite whomever you want. It just means I feel uncomfortable about being around people who remind me of a difficult past. A past I would rather not be reminded of...not to mention the fact that I probably remind them of the same difficult past. I have been expecting that I would have to explain this sooner or later.

So here is what I would like you to know and hope you can understand. You know that I certainly think You and Rachel getting married is a very good thing and you certainly have my unequivocal blessing. However, it is and has been my choice for sometime not to place myself in the presence of people, places or things that remind me too viscerally of the past. In other words, I don't intend to attend any function that include the Fradkin side of your family. Understand that this choice has nothing to do with anyone from that family personally, but only my desire not to bring elements from my past into my present, nor do I want my presence to be anyone else's reminder of a difficult past.

I know this may disappoint you, or it may not and you do understand where I'm coming from. Suffice it to say, this is the reality of the situation and I hope you'll understand.

---

 

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Posted by MyrddinFyre (Member # 2576) on :
 
(First of all, Drewbert, CONGRATULATIONS. I am SO HAPPY for you, and for Rachel. So so so happy *hug*)

Second, I'm really sad that your father feels that way. Though it is a really nice email he sent, explaining and giving you his blessing...I'm assuming that it would be a great thing to have him attend the wedding, even if he doesn't think so. Do you think if he came it would be so hurtful to him as to outweigh the joy having him there would bring? What are your feelings about his being there/not being there? Do you know how your mom would handle it? How far away is he, could you spend better time with him in a different situation, such as a dinner with him and Rachel's family?
 

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Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
 
Dear Dad,

I understand how you feel, and I just want to tell you that if you change your mind, I would love to have you at my wedding.

You are my father and I will always love you.

Your son,

Temposs

****************************

I think that's probably the best thing you can write right now. I understand that he is really hurting your feelings, but I think there's not much else you can do without making things worse in the long run.

Good luck.
 

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Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
 
Storm's email is perfect.
 

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Posted by Temposs (Member # 6032) on :
 
Whether his feelings of joy would outweigh his discomfort at the wedding, he perceives right now that his discomfort is too much to handle. One idea I had was to suggest to him that he only come to the ceremony and not the reception, so he can minimize his socialization with my Mom's family.

I would really love him to be at my wedding, and I know it's important to both Rachel and me. I'm planning to talk with at least one of his siblings, my Mom, and some others for advice as well. I assume he'll get a call from a few of them after I tell them. Dunno if it would help though. I'm sure my Mom will be quite peeved.

He would be comfortable with having a gathering with anyone except my Mom's family, I'm sure. Both Rachel and I are from Maryland, and my Mom and her parents live there. But my Dad now lives in the boondocks in southwestern Kentucky, and I'm in Illinois and Rachel's in Ohio. So getting a gathering may be a little challenging, but doable eventually. Having all our parents meet is pretty important, though.
 

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Posted by Temposs (Member # 6032) on :
 
btw, you can see the video documentary of my proposal to Rachel on Google Video here: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7838511167526362787&hl=en
 

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Posted by Temposs (Member # 6032) on :
 
And thanks Myr, we're very happy :-)
 

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Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
 
I think he's being selfish and a little childish. I'd tell him to grow up.

If it were me. It's not, and so I don't recommend that you do that.

Anyway, congrats and good luck.
 

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Posted by AvidReader (Member # 6007) on :
 
His discomfort is too much to handle? Grow up.

You don't blow off your kid's wedding because you have to deal with your ex. Your dad is being completely selfish.

Everyone loves I statements. They're supposed to be less threatening. So tell him flat out how you feel because he's not coming.

It's going to be uncomfortable. He'll probably get mad and say selfish snippy things. But if you don't, he'll think his behavior is somehow acceptable.
 

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Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
 
I agree with Dagonee. Storm's response was great.
 

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Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
 

quote:

---

His discomfort is too much to handle? Grow up.

You don't blow off your kid's wedding because you have to deal with your ex. Your dad is being completely selfish.

Everyone loves I statements. They're supposed to be less threatening. So tell him flat out how you feel because he's not coming.

It's going to be uncomfortable. He'll probably get mad and say selfish snippy things. But if you don't, he'll think his behavior is somehow acceptable.

---

quote:

---

His discomfort is too much to handle? Grow up.

You don't blow off your kid's wedding because you have to deal with your ex. Your dad is being completely selfish.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Storm Saxon:
Dear Dad,

I understand how you feel, and I just want to tell you that if you change your mind, I would love to have you at my wedding.

You are my father and I will always love you.

Your son,

Temposs

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quote:

---

Don't misunderstand me, I would be really pissed if I were in Temposs's place.

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quote:

---

Originally posted by Temposs:
He is as far as I can tell not trying to manipulate the situation so my Mom's family doesn't attend.

---

I recall issues like that with my wedding. "If you want me there, then don't invite 'so-and-so'."

I invited everyone I wanted, and if they chose not to come it was on them, not me. Let him know that while you are sad that he won't be at your wedding, and that it is a tremendous disappointment to you and Rachel, it will be his choice.

Because it is.
 

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Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
 
Temp:

Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time there was a wonderful wedding. The bride invited all of her family, with great trepidation. Her mother and boyfriend wanted to come, but could not. Her father and wife, however, did make it. The groom was worried, for this father had left the mother and married the secretary he'd been sleeping with. The years of pain and misery that their oldest daughter went through in order to take care of that mother and the other children left deep and painful scars. Worse, all agreed that the wife of the father was unwelcome anywhere. She attempted, and still attempts, to make it so that the father abandons and forgets his first family. They get nothing in it future--wills, insurance, etc have all been written, by the unpleasant woman, to favor her children from a previous marriage. Nothing goes to his children.

Tradition has it the father of the bride pays for the wedding. He paid 0. Later, I discovered, that he claimed to have paid a fortune, which was his excuse not to pay for sister's wedding.

All assumed the unpleasant woman would keep her husband away from his daughter's wedding, but she didn't.

(Small note. Even the mother of the father disliked this unpleasant woman.)

So the wedding went off, and all were in attendance except the mother. Her illness kept her 600 miles away. Yet her side of the family was there in force.

The groom worried that a scene would emerge, that it would ruin this important day. Some fight, some heated words, some nastiness that would forever steal the bride's glory.

Nothing happened.

The bride and her father danced, and no one laughed or screamed. The groom danced with the unpleasant woman, and she didn't breath fire or sneer or whisper poisoned words in his ear.

The fact that your father wants to save you the stress and possible disruption of your wedding is a prescious gift. Take it and enjoy it.

However, if you have time, in your wedding outfits, on your honeymoon, or soon after, take him to a portrait studio and get a good photograph of him and you and your wife together.

It may mean renting a tux for the two of you, but its worth it.

On our honeymoon we drove to my mother-in-laws and did just that. I believe it is my wife's favorite picture from our wedding.
 

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Posted by Temposs (Member # 6032) on :
 
Saxon your posts are very helpful to me.

It's made easier by the fact that I'm actually very bad at expressing anger myself. As in, I almost never get angry, and when I am I tend to not express it. I am very disappointed though and wish there were something I could do.
 

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Posted by MyrddinFyre (Member # 2576) on :
 
I love that idea, Dan.

And what a lovely park, and I love the happy pictures of the both of you!
 

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Posted by Temposs (Member # 6032) on :
 
interesting take, Dan, thanks for that
 

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Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
 
I just had a thought. Would it be possible for you to do a webcam or some such of the wedding so your dad, or anyone else you choose, can watch?
 

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Posted by TheGrimace (Member # 9178) on :
 
I largely agree with Dan and Temposs here, perhaps you can suggest coming to the ceremony (as already mentioned) but not the reception.

It's quite possible that there is some personal weakness in your father bowing out, but it sounds more to me like an attempt to avoid conflict for everyone involved.

Personally I'm in a similar situation in terms of parents (although switch the cheater, and lessen the hostilities). But let me say that at my cousin's wedding (the extended-first family event my dad came to since the divorce a few years ago) the prime focus for all my siblings was avoiding him and/or trying to get drunk (in a family that doesn't drink in general) rather than the bride and groom. I'll admit that especially in this case the bride and groom may have still had a wonderful time and most of the guests would have been oblivious to the tension, but for the dozen or so of us who were directly related to the conflict, the night was ruined.

Especially since he's so upfront about it, I'd try to accept his decision (other than suggesting the ceremony bit from above) despite the pain involved so as not to let the conflict ruin the rest of the wedding for you and everyone else involved.
 

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Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
 
Ouch... That's rough, about your dad. I'm sorry.

I would also like to chime in with my congratulations (once again), however... I know you will both be very happy. And I also like the letter originally posted by Stormy.
 

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Posted by stihl1 (Member # 1562) on :
 
I don't understand the big deal. The dad doesn't want to come because he doesn't want to deal with all the pain in dealing with the mother. I wouldn't go either.

Frankly, I think weddings are way overrated and I personally detest them all. I turn down all invitations to weddings I get across the board.
 

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Posted by Storm Saxon (Member # 3101) on :
 
So, how is Mt. Crumpet this time of year, stihl1?
 

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Posted by MyrddinFyre (Member # 2576) on :
 
Nice one, Storm... plus thanks, you saved me from posting something evil
 

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Posted by BlueWizard (Member # 9389) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by Storm Saxon:
Dear Dad,

I understand how you feel, and I just want to tell you that if you change your mind, I would love to have you at my wedding.

You are my father and I will always love you.

Your son,

Temposs


Good luck.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Storm Saxon:
So, how is Mt. Crumpet this time of year, stihl1?

---

We're supposed to get some snow tonight.
 

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Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
 
I was thinking about a lot of things to write...adn BW said most of them.


Make it clear that he is creating painful memories for you by refusing to come, but make sure he knows that you love him regardless of that.


Best of luck!
 

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Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
 
My mother and father had also divorced acrimoniously, and my mother -- whose second and so far final marriage had already failed by the time I married Christy -- did not want to face my father (whose third marriage was at that time in its planning stages) and his girlfriend at my wedding.

She begged off a few months prior.

And I sent her a note almost identical to what Storm Saxon wrote above.

Until the week before the wedding, her attendance was a question mark; we saved a seat for her and budgeted for her nonetheless, and were grateful and surprised when she showed up.

Moreover, everyone was thrilled to see her, and she was glad to have the opportunity to catch up with other family members she hadn't seen in a while -- even if she and my dad were still a bit brittle towards each other. I'm glad she came, and she was glad to have come -- but I don't think I could have forced it.
 

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Posted by dawnmaria (Member # 4142) on :
 
Weddings are hard when families have been divided by pain and divorce. I know that when I got married it must have hurt my bio-dad a lot when I decided to have my step-dad walk me down the aisle and I danced with him first. But it was my wedding and I only plan to have the one so I did what I needed to do. I invited who I wanted and hoped all would come. My step mother and half sisters did not come because I think they were ticked off I didn't ask them to be in the wedding. It hurt but I had attendants that I felt were part of our lives, not duty bound people that you just have to ask. It was sometimes weird seeing my parents together and I am sure my step-dad would have gladly throttled my bio-dad but it went well. With a well thought out seating chart all things are possible! But what I want to convey with this drawn out ramble is this is ya'll's day. Try not to have regrets from your stand point. Invite who you want and it's on them from that point. Celebrate your love! This is ultimately just for you two and no one else. Congrats and many, many happy years to come!
 

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Posted by 0Megabyte (Member # 8624) on :
 
I may be a little less forgiving, as my own father is dead and thus will never see me get married. He'll never have the chance.

So to think of a father who'd actually choose not to go to his son's wedding...

well, my emotions are unrelated to what's good or bad in this situation. Time to ignore me, I'd suggest.
 

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Posted by BlueWizard (Member # 9389) on :
 
Kwea said in part -

Make it clear that he is creating painful memories for you by refusing to come...

This may not have been as central to your point as it seems, but I think it is a bad idea to lay a guild trip on the Dad. The guy already feels miserable, no point in adding to the misery.

I intentionally tried to avoid that in my sample letter. Try to focus on what your Dad will lose if he doesn't come, not on how you will feel if he isn't there, and keep the focus on the present and the future rather than the past.

And, understand that he is still in pain from the events that have befallen him. Though I think getting past the pain would be far better served by confronting it and moving on, rather than let it restict and control you life.

In one sense, "SCREW THEM, let THEM feel uncomfortable, I'm going to my sons wedding whether they like it or not".

Just a small point.

Steve/BlueWizard
 

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Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :
 
My mother didn't attend my wedding.

(((Temposs)))

I vehemently disagree with your father's choice, and I like Steve's letter, but I get Storm's point. Maybe he's right. I don't know.

Congratulations, and enjoy your day.
 

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Posted by cmc (Member # 9549) on :
 
Congrats on the engagement. I watched the video - and I have to say it's a strange feeling. Being so close to something so important, life-changing and just plain awesome to people you have NO CLUE about was a little off-putting at first. I sort of felt like I was snooping?.

I hope that whatever resolution comes re: your Dad and your wedding works for all of you. You two seem like some pretty cool people with a pretty cool support group of people around you. I have Faith that it'll work out as it should, in a way that works for everyone.

Congrats again...
 

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Posted by Will B (Member # 7931) on :
 
I'm sorry to hear about the pain. I am sure that Storm has it right.
 

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Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
 
I like Steve's letter.

I think your father is being immature and ridiculous, personally. It's not about him and he needs to quit thinking of himself first. He needs to think about his son, and how this is the most important day in his life.

In your father's email, I read a lot about how he wanted to avoid unpleasantness to himself. I would be much, much more sympathetic if his email was more like "I'm afraid there may be a scene and it will ruin your day." Instead, what I get out of that is "My feelings are more important than yours and I care more about how I feel than whether or not I'm hurting you." Geez, grow up and quit being such a jerk.

As a parent you have to do a lot of things you'd rather not for the sake of your children. It's part of the sacrifice demanded of you when you choose to bring that child into the world. Your father may be a great guy normally, but here he's acting like a spoiled child who won't play unless he gets to make all the rules.

Now, the question is - do you tell him all that? Only if you think it will help. If, instead, you think it will just cause problems, then dont' say any of it. I will tell you, though - if you're really hurt by his refusal to attend - you should tell him. Maybe not until it's all over to avoid putting a huge guilt trip on him but do sit him down and tell him how he disappointed you and hurt you. Don't let that fester without expressing it. It will only hurt your relationship later.
 

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Posted by Temposs (Member # 6032) on :
 
Know that I take each of your comments to heart in deciding how I should go forward(even stithl1's ^_^). You all have been very helpful and I welcome more comments if anyone has anything to add.
 

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Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
 
You are right, I didn't mean to make them uncomfortable adn put them in a bad spot just for kicks.


My point was to make sure that he knew how much his refusal would hurt you, but to also say that either way you would have your special day.......but that it would be more special if he was there, even briefly.


I think that missing this will hurt him as well, even if it is his choice, but sometimes that fact gets lost in the old pain until it is too late to prevent it.


It isn't about a guilt trip, or about making someone else hurt more/again, or even trying to force someone to do something they don't want to do....it is about being clear about how much you want him there, and letting know that you disagree with his choice even though you understand it.


Your wedding shouldn't be about hi,m, but about you, and he should be adult enough to know that by now.


Best of luck, and congrats!
 

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Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
 
This whole thread has made me feel very sad, as I see, once again, how the multiple marriages and divorces of my parents continued to poison those special and hopefully once-in-a-lifetime events for my brothers and sisters.

I think I'm the only sibling that didn't have family feuds at my wedding because I gave everyone less than two months notice and a date all at once. I also gave them all tasks (it was a home-style, potluck, low budget affair complete with throw-away cameras, bring your favorite wedding music, help arrange the living room furniture the night before . . . etc.)

Stormy has the right response, I think, Temposs. And ALL your feelings are okay. Bless you for not reacting, and being thoughtful and loving.
 

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Posted by Hank (Member # 8916) on :
 
In addition to asking him to come to just the ceremony, you may want to provide him a seat on the bride's side of the room, or somewhere where he won't have to sit near anyone he might have trouble with.
 

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Posted by AvidReader (Member # 6007) on :
 
I really don't understand why everyone is so willing to give Dad a pass on this one. His behavior is childish at best, and I don't see a problem with Temposs saying so.

What's Dad gonna do? Not show up cause he's mad instead of not showing up out of apathy?

You don't have a relationship with someone who doesn't show up to life. And Dad's not there any time it's not convenient for him. You can't damage something you don't have in the first place.
 

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Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
 

quote:

---

Frankly, I think weddings are way overrated and I personally detest them all. I turn down all invitations to weddings I get across the board.

---

Their loss, I'm sure.
 

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Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
 
AR, I don't think people are giving the father a pass so much as trying to give advice that minimizes the hurt to Temposs. He may well be acting childish, but whether calling him on it would do more good or ill (and cause more hurt feeling for the poster) is another matter.
 

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Posted by BlueWizard (Member # 9389) on :
 
Giving Dad a Pass -

In the cold rational light of day, perhaps it is easy to say Dad is being selfish, but in the darkness of a broken heart, how can you not understand?

I don't know the specifical of this particular 'Dad's' life beyond what Temposs has told us. But it is fair to speculate that when he married his wife, he felt he had a best friend and a lover forever. He invested all his hopes, dreams, and visions of the future on her. Then one day the love of his life, the mother of his children betrayed him.

That has got to hurt. I think the worst pain there is is heartache. It makes every inch of your mind and body ache with a pain that hurts so bad you wish it would finally kill you. It is a dark, deep, miserable pain that cuts you to your soul. It should not be discounted.

Yet, as with all grief, at some point, life must go on. At some point, the future has to become more important than the past. At some point you have to accept the pain and the circumstances, and let it go. But Temposs's father apparently is not at that point yet. LIFE HURTS and it hurts bad, and that heartache is not a pain you want to aggravate or trivialize.

Still, this is a once in lifetime opportunity to celebrate life. To, for one small moment, set aside the pain despite the presence of painful reminders and remember that you can't let the pain stop you from living. You can't let the pain of the past rob you of the joy in the here and now.

Only time and effort will heal that pain, and until that time and effort have come to pass, the pain will be there, but so will the opportunities for joy. Don't let one cheat you out of the other.

Again, I don't know the exact circumstances of these people's lives, but it seems obvious that the father was hit with a deep and unexpected betrayal of trust and faith, AND THAT HURTS; IT HURTS TO DEATH.

Because of this, I'm willing to cut the father a little slack. But at the same time, facing your pain will go a lot farther toward healing it than wallowing in it.

As several other have said, this is a very sad and emotionally painful discussion. It makes my heart ache just taking part in it. I can't imagine how painful it must be for the people who are truly involved. Yet, the opportunity for joy is there, if we can only push ourselves past the pain and accept it.

I said it before and I'll say it again, please don't let one painful regret turn into two. Confront the pain, move past it, and accept the few fleeting glances of joy that life has to offer. This could very easily be the first and most powerful step toward healing.

Please try to find some compromise solution. Perhaps you can find a way for your father to wait in a side room, and step forward at the last minute, then when it is over, make his apologies, offer his congradulations, and leave.

Be considerate of his pain, but, really, don't let that pain rob him of this moment of joy.

Sorry for rambling.

Steve/BlueWizard
 

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Posted by Temposs (Member # 6032) on :
 
Steve, I think you strike a good balance in your comments. I have a mind to just link my Dad to this thread and have him read all the comments :-P

I'll have to think about that for a bit, though, hehe
 

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Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
 
One of my uncles didn't come to his own mothers wedding. I thought I would never forgive hum, and I am not sure if I have completely, but I understand why a lot better after hearing his reasons for not attending.


I don't agree, and will never forget how much he hurt the rest of his family by acting the way he did, but I have been able to see him in person and not attack him in any way.


I had a moment of clarity when I heard that he was visiting my parents, and I had to make a decision. I could be inflexible and hurt all my life, or I could move on and at least try to forgive him.


I drove all the way to my parents house, 2 hours away, and I wasn't sure if I was going to hug him or punch him when I got there. Either would have been completely justified.....but I did neither.


I shook his hand, and I will never regret doing so. I would never trust him completely.....he broke my heart as a child....but I am glad that I have at least a little bit of a relationship with him now.


I know that is what my grandma would have wanted.


This is a similar situation....no matter what there is emotional risk....but letting him know that it isn't OK, but that you understand and still love him is the classy, adult thing to do here, IMO.
 

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Posted by hansenj (Member # 4034) on :
 
Drew!! Hooray! I'm sorry I haven't been on IM...I just kinda stopped signing on because my life has been insane. I was just thinking about you because your birthday came up on my calendar. Did you have a good birthday? It's so wonderful to see that you and Rachel are getting married! The married life is nice, and I think it will suit you.

I'm sorry that I don't have any great advice about the situation with your father. It would have broken my heart if one of my parents had missed my wedding. Just reading his email made me angry because, to me, discomfort is no reason to miss such an important event. However, all the even-tempered people here probably have a more reasonable plan of action.
 

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Posted by Temposs (Member # 6032) on :
 
Thanks Jennie :-) I did have a good birthday. It was relaxing and I got to see a friend.

I think married life will suit me as well. We're planning to have a casual beach wedding in south Florida. I think it will be awesome, especially if the weather holds up ^_^;

A few of you guys(you know who you are) have been very helpful in bringing my relationship from the uncertain troubling times in the beginning(2004) to this point with Rachel :-) And once again turning to Hatrackers has been a good move on my part ^_^
 

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Posted by AvidReader (Member # 6007) on :
 
I'm sorry, Steve, but I can't accept that Dad bailing on his kid is ok because he's in pain. Get some therapy and some pills and deal already.

I don't care what the excuse is, it's never ok to bail on your kids. Do you have any idea how much that hurts? To know that parents are supposed to love you no matter what but yours doesn't?

All I did was wonder what was wrong with me. It tainted every relationship I had after that because I always thought this person would leave, too. My close friends can see I have some trouble with men even when I try not to.

You want to talk pain? Try having a parent who can't be bothered with you. Dad at least has to take some responsibility for picking his ex. Kids get stuck with the parents we get.

My Dad's around now, but it's not the same. We're still not ok. Too many years went by where he couldn't be bothered. I'm saying Temposs shouldn't get to that point. Tell your Dad how you feel now. Maybe he can grow up and do right by you instead of letting things deteriorate to the point my Dad did.
 

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Posted by Survivor (Member # 233) on :
 
Fine, but the Dad isn't the one you're talking too. All you're doing is poisoning the son's relationship to his father. Is there any point in that?

Look, either he's a terrible creep or he's an okay guy. If he's a terrible creep, then he's doing you a damned favor by not coming. If he's an okay guy maybe he deserves a break for once.

It doesn't matter which you think he is, he doesn't want to come to the wedding and that's probably for the best either way. Sure, if you thought he was a great guy, then you'd be sad that he doesn't feel comfortable with certain other members of your family. But that won't change just because people try to guilt him into coming, it will only make him feel less comfortable because he'll know that he's being made the bad guy.

My Dad...I didn't attend any of his weddings, and I don't care whether he attends any of mine. So sue me.
 

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Posted by BlueWizard (Member # 9389) on :
 
to AvidReader -

The Father hasn't come to his son's Wedding YET.

BIG YET

We are not searching for blame or alienation. We are searching for a workable framework that allows all parties to be satisfied.

If the Father really can't come, then maybe there is some other way the Father, Son, and Bride can celebrate this event.

If he can be convinced to come, then perhaps it is some special accomodation for his feelings that will allow him to come. Work with what you have, and take what you can get.

Any solution must seek to bring people together not drive them apart. Don't let one hurt become a lifetime of endless hurts.

So, in this sense, I agree with Survivor.

Steve/BlueWizard
 

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Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
 

quote:

---

I don't care what the excuse is, it's never ok to bail on your kids.

---

You're right, bailing on you kids isn't OK. But I don't think what's been described here constitutes "bailing on your son". Excusing oneself from a wedding or other important event isn't the same as abandonment. His father hasn't said he doesn't want contact with his son. He hasn't said he doesn't love his son. He hasn't even said he doesn't care about the wedding.
A wedding is important, but it is after all just one day in a persons life. A parent can be part of their childs life without coming to a wedding.

Furthermore, part of becoming a healthy adult is forgiving your parents for all the stuff they did wrong. No parent is perfect. All Parents are flawed human beings who are just muddling through a very difficult job. The point is that parents don't have any more obligation to be perfect than children do. It isn't about whether or not their actions are excusable, its about finding solutions to make a build a better future relationship. Unless you can forgive them for the mistakes they make, the wounds never heal.

Temposs, If you are interested in my advice, it is to be a bigger man than your Father. He clearly has unhealed wounds that are keeping him from coming to your wedding. Forgive his weaknesses so that you don't end up with similar wounds. Whether or not he comes to your wedding is far less important than the relationship you and your wife have with through out your marriage. Don't let his unwillingness to attend your wedding be a make or break event for the rest of your life. Try to find a way to include him in this important event that makes him comfortable. Perhaps that could be an online participation in the wedding or somesort of separate celebration with him. But even if you can't find a way that works to include him in the wedding, don't harbor hurt over this event that will further damage your relationship with him.

You have to ask your self this. What do you really want most from your father? Do you want him to show his love for you by coming to the wedding even though it would hurt him to be with the other wedding guests? Or do you just want him to be part of your life and the lives of your future wife and children?

Those two aren't mutually exclusive, but he doesn't have to be at the wedding to be part of your life. If the second is what you really want, then contact him and let him know. I'd recommend something like this

Dad, I understand that you don't want to be in the presence of Mom and her family and I accept your decision to avoid them. But you are an important part of my life and I want to be able to celebrate my wedding with you. Is there some way we can work this out?

(Then list a bunch of suggestion that people have posted here, attend only ceremony, internet link, small separate gathering and so on)

Make it clear that you want him to participate in someway and leave it open for him to suggest ways he would feel comfortable participating.

You have a choice. You can be angry and hurt and widen the gap between you and your father or you can forgive his weaknesses and reach out to include him in your life. You can't insist that he get rid of any his weaknesses for you. That's his choice not yours.
 

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Posted by Temposs (Member # 6032) on :
 
Very good words, Rabbit. I do not intend to hold resentment againt my Dad, and I would like to do something like what you suggest. You are right that my Dad is not trying to abandon me in any way. In fact, he's coming to visit next month.

I would perhaps like to also express something like what BlueWizard suggests, but ya know, I'm not gonna push it too far in the end. I want to be loving no matter what.
 

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Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
 
Rabbit is spot on, and said what I meant better than I did.
 

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Posted by stihl1 (Member # 1562) on :
 

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Originally posted by El JT de Spang:

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Frankly, I think weddings are way overrated and I personally detest them all. I turn down all invitations to weddings I get across the board.

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Their loss, I'm sure.

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my Dad is not trying to abandon me in any way. In fact, he's coming to visit next month.

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