Imagine you had a father. Imagine you had a dad. Imagine they were two different people.
That's me. Here's a letter I wrote tonight. I just want to make sure it's not TOO much.
----
Here goes nothing. Just me, spitting it all out there with no rhyme or reason.
I look in the mirror and see it. I think my chin came from you. I know part of my eyes came from you. I just wonder how much else came from you.
Sometimes it kills me. I wanted to know for so many years who you were. Then, when I finally found out, I spent half the time feeling like I wasn't screwed up enough for you to care about.
Imagine how that feels. No guilt trip here, just imagine. Then think about how you'd deal with it. It's tough. It was for me anyway.
I've thought a lot about it the past couple years. Not that you need to hear it from me but I don't blame you for anything. It doesn't matter how it all went down when I was little. I'm grown now and I accept now for what it is. I'm not going to nitpick over the details.
At the same time, with all your resources, it would have been easy to find me and that hurts.
Thanks for getting to know me a few years back and for listening to who I was when I was much younger. I guess it just hurts too much to feel like you could have found me, could have known me then, but, well, just didn't.
I'm sorry to put it like this but it's truth. If there's one thing I can be faulted for, it's speaking it. My dad is my dad. He was there. When I lost my first tooth, got chicken pox, got picked on at school, had my first crush and first got crushed. He's listened to my silly excuses for missing curfew, cried when I got sick, lectured me on the importance of being myself and loved me in spite of my shortcomings.
I'm not saying you wouldn't have done these things. I'm just saying you weren't there doing them and my dad was.
I hold no grudge. I appreciate the fact that I have life and I have you to thank for a part in that. Thanks for being my father.
Hope all's well. Take Care.
----
And that's it. Horrible or okay? Say whatever, I can take it.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
What inspired this?
I ask, because I have no idea what "too much" constitutes. If you're trying to hurt him, but not too much, then you need to give us a better picture of what you're trying to accomplish.
If you're not trying to hurt him...well, odds are it's too much.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
I think it's wonderful that you wrote it. It's beautiful and it's good to express these feelings.
But I don't think you should send it.
(((hugs))) I know it can be hard. My husband's dad is not his biological father (his father died when he was 3; he has precisely one memory of his father.) And sometimes growing up he would still think a lot about what he was missing and what it would be like. It is still hard for him sometimes. But I also have a friend who found her biological mother later in life and, after sitting on it for five years, finally decided she wanted to include her in her life. If she had written this letter at any point in those five years and sent it, she would have regretted it later.
So I wouldn't send it.
Posted by Evie3217 (Member # 5426) on :
I agree with kq completely. It's an amazing letter, full of feeling and very thought provoking. Still, it would be a bad idea to send it. Like kq said, you'll regret it later. At least think about it for a week. If you still want to send it after a week, then maybe. But don't send it right now.
Plus, it's late, and emotions always get screwed up when it's late. Just think about it for a while.