I haven't really shared much personal stuff on this forum, but this issue has been plaguing me for months and I realized since this is a pretty anonymous place to discuss it I could get your opinions.
My husbands parents divorced 3 1/2 years ago. This was a shock because even though we knew they didn't always get along, we didn't think it so bad as to end in divorce. Especially since none of my husband's family really noticed an escalation in conflict. They had been married 26 years. My husband, 25 at the time of divorce, is the oldest of five children. The other four are all out of the house except for his little sister who is almost 15.
My husband's mother remarried a man last August. They'd known each other in High School and reconnected after hearing about each other's divorces. He had divorced roughly the same time she did. He has five kids as well.
While they were dating, word spread (this is a pretty tight community) that this new husband had had charges pressed against him by his ex-wife of sexual molestation, but the details were vague. We asked my mother-in-law if she knew about this and she said that he had told her that over 15 years ago when he was going through a very difficult time his wife's younger sister was staying with them, flirting happened, yada yada yada, sex, she was 15 years old. But charges were always dropped because the girl herself was not willing to take part in any kind of trial.
We live several states away, so we haven't spent much time with this guy. Next thing we know, they are engaged. We are all active members of the Mormon church (including the new husband). Mother-in-law insists he has repented and that a person shouldn't be judged by the worst thing they've ever done in their life.
So we're trying to be congenial, give him the benefit of the doubt. Next thing we know, he is supposedly being convicted on sexual molestation charges. We find out because a member of the family sees it in the newspaper. Mother-in-law says these are the same old charges, but I don't understand because I was under the impression that the statute of limitations would rule out a fifteen year old crime. Am I correct? Whatever the case, fishy and weird.
So he's sentenced to 5 years, but has yet to serve them and the family goes on as if he never will. Curiouser and curiouser. This is a VERY taboo subject in the family.
So they come to visit for Easter. This is the first time we've ever really spent time with him. We're a bit nervous, but are trying to put in a good effort for mother-in-law's sake. I checked though, he IS on the sex offender registry.
I have a four year old daughter and a 1 year old son.
So, guess what. He seems like a nice, decent guy. Easy to talk to. Mowed our lawn. Mother-in-law seems happier than I've seen her. Had I not known about this thing in his past I would never have imagined it of him. He's cheery, respectful. My kids love him.
This is good, I'm thinking. But here is my dilemma. There will be many times when mother-in-law is going to say, "Oh just leave the kids with Grandma." And though I don't look at this guy and see PREDATOR, I feel I can't be too cautious when it comes to my kids. I don't really want them to be around him unless I'm there. But I really feel like there will come a time when they will want to take the kids for me and I'll be like,"...ummm, well..." and I don't want to hurt feelings.
Mother-in-law is extremely sensitive about this.
So what do you think. Where would you draw the line? How would you handle awkwardness that might arise?
If I were reading this my first reaction would be "Screw their feelings. These are your kids we're talking about!" But that line gets blurred when I think that he isn't a repeat offender and really sincerely seems remorseful and reformed. How much benefit do I give him?
Posted by Tinros (Member # 8328) on :
Now, the following is entirely my opinion, and I'm just an 18 year old college student, so take this with a grain of salt.
Personally, I would say wait until both children are old enough to understand what is appropriate(as far as touching and commentary goes) and are strong enough to say "no" and get help. Even then, I would say to tell them to stay together as much as possible- less is going to happen when there's someone else present.
Explain this ti your mother-in-law. If she's as kind a person as I assume she is from your post, she should be able to understand your position and be willing to work something out. They ARE your children, and if you're uncomfortable, she shouldn't be forcing you into anything.
Posted by Qaz (Member # 10298) on :
You can be kind and nice to the man, and never leave your children in a situation in which they might be alone with him, just in case.
(I am not an expert, but that is what I would do.)
Also he had an interest in a 15-year-old, that is, someone past puberty. I do not think he would be any more likely than anyone else to bother a young child. But if you are worried, you do not owe it to him to take a risk.
Posted by ricree101 (Member # 7749) on :
How much of the story do you know besides what the mother in law has told you? If she is getting really defensive about it, she might not exactly be the most reliable source of information in this regard. Also, do you know what changed that resulted in him being convicted after such a long time?
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
I would try to find out what really this is all about. It should be a matter of public record. There are some circumstances, in some states, where a 15-year-old crime COULD be tried.
Most of all, though, pray about it and follow the Spirit and your own intuition. If you don't feel comfortable leaving your kids with them, DON'T.
Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
I am with KQ on this one. Your children's safety is far more important than the fear of hurting his feelings, IMO.
Don't blurt it out, but be honest. Have a one on one conversation with her, probably without him around, and tell her your feelings. If she wants to talk to him about it, have a sit down with them both about it.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Look up the conviction. Sex offenses are usually felonies, and will be part of the public record.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
I disagree with the one on one conversation advice. Your husband needs to be a part of this. It's his Mom -- you and he need to talk and come to an understanding of what you are comfortable with as parents and then present a united front.
Posted by DaisyMae (Member # 9722) on :
I'm with you on the "talking about it" thing.
Unfortunately, that is not common practice in my husband's family and nobody knows how to do it.
My husband would feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable confronting his mother, even if done in the most polite and loving of ways. His mother would become defensive, I'm pretty sure.