My friend just sent me this, I am quoting it word for word.
Of what nationality were Adam and Eve? - Russian most definitely! who else would be running naked and footwear-less, with no roof above the head, eating one apple for both, and above all, screaming that they're in heaven ?
Posted by brojack17 (Member # 9189) on :
My daughter's favorite (she's 5):
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Bock.
Bock who?
Bock bock, I like chicken.
Posted by docmagik (Member # 1131) on :
This was my toddler daughter's favorite joke for a long time. She'd tell it after anybody made a joke about anything.
Her: Knock-Knock Me: Who's there? Her: Apple. Me: Apple who? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: Banana. Me: Banana who? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: Orange. Me: Orange who? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: Apple. Me: Apple who? Her: Apple I say orange!
Posted by papastebu (Member # 10496) on :
What did the zen master say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
Posted by RunningBear (Member # 8477) on :
A man walks into a bar, and says ouch.
Two cookies are in an oven, and one says to the other, "its really hot in here", and the other says "Holy **** a talking cookie!"
Posted by papastebu (Member # 10496) on :
Two old men were sitting on a porch in the deep south, just rockin' their chairs and watchin' the cars go by. A hound dog sat between them, busily cleaning his privates as dogs do, by liberal use of his tongue. One old man looked down at the dog and then over at his friend, chuckled, and said, "You know, if I was able to do that, I think I'd be the happiest man alive." His friend did a bit of a double-take, staring at the other old man like he was crazy. "Well," he replied, "go ahead and try it, but that dawg'll bitecha."
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote:Originally posted by papastebu: What did the zen master say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
When the vendor failed to give back the zen master's change, he asked "My change?"
"Change must come from within!" intoned the vendor.
Posted by anti_maven (Member # 9789) on :
Where did Napoleon keep his armys? Up his sleevies....
*grabs coat, hails taxi*
Posted by papastebu (Member # 10496) on :
quote:Originally posted by rivka:
quote:Originally posted by papastebu: What did the zen master say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
When the vendor failed to give back the zen master's change, he asked "My change?"
"Change must come from within!" intoned the vendor.
I hadn't heard that part. Thank you. Posted by Juxtapose (Member # 8837) on :
On little Timmy's 5th birthday, his father came home and sat Timmy on his knee. "Son," he said, "you're five today and you've grown so much. What would you like for your birthday?"
"Oh, daddy," said Timmy, with all the sincerity of a five-year-old, "can I have a pink polka-dot ping pong ball?"
"That's...a strange thing to ask for," replied his bewildered father. "Why don't I get you nice soccer ball instead? I'm sure that'll be a lot more fun."
"OK," said Timmy, "thank you daddy."
Fast forward. It's Timmy's 10th birthday now, and again his father is wondering what the slightly-less-little Timmy would like.
"Well daddy," says Timmy, "I want a pink polka-dot ping pong ball."
"Uh huh..." mutters his bewildered father, "why don't I get you a new bike instead? I noticed your old one is getting a bit too small for you."
"That sounds good too, daddy," says Timmy happily, thank you."
Timmy's 15th birthday found him with his father in a similar scenario. "You're growing up so fast, Timmy, and I'm very proud of you." Timmy's father felt a growing sense of deja vu. "Is there anything special you'd like for your birthday?"
"You know, dad, I'd really like a pink polka-dot ping pong ball."
Timmy's father decided he hadn't heard that. "I noticed you enjoy some video games, and it doesn't seem to have hurt your grades, so I'll get you that new xbox thingy, OK?"
Timmy smiled. "That's great dad, thanks."
Fast forward again. Now it's Tim's 20th birthday and once again, his father is having a difficult time deciding on the perfect gift.
"I'd really love a pink polka-dot ping pong ball, dad," responds Tim when queried.
Tim's father has by now resolved to ignore his son's singular oddity. "Well son," he says, somewhat prepared for the yearly ritual, "you've been doing well off at college, working at the same time, and I know it's not easy. You know the family business has been doing really well lately, I can afford to get you whatever you want."
Really, dad," replies Tim, touched by his father's generosity, "all I want is a pink polka-dot ping pong ball."
"I know!" cries his father in a flash of desperate insight, "I'll get you a nice car so you have an easier time getting around. Maybe it'll make your life a bit easier."
"That's so kind of you dad, thank you."
Shortly before Tim's 25th birthday, he fell ill. When he didn't recover he was hospitalized. The doctors ran every test they could think of, but they all came back negative. Meanwhile, Tim's condition steadily deteriorated.
Very early in the morning of Tim's 25th, his doctors called in Tim's father to tell him that Tim was unlikely to live through the night.
Determined to be with his son through the final hours, Tim's father walked quietly into the hospital room.
"Hi dad," said Tim, "not going to be long now, is it?"
"The doctors don't think so, son. I love you with all my heart. Is there anything I can do to put you at ease?"
"Dad, you've given me everything I've ever needed. All I've ever wanted was a pink polka-dot ping pong ball.
"I've never asked Tim, because it seemed so odd, by do you so badly want a pink polka-dot ping pong ball?"
Tim gazed at his father for a moment, as if considering, then drawing a deep breath said, "well dad, I've always wanted one so I could eeegghhhh.........."
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
RIP Timmy
Posted by anti_maven (Member # 9789) on :
*snap* The Aristocrats!
Posted by JonHecht (Member # 9712) on :
That's more sad than funny...
What do you guys think is the funniest one so far? The zen one is pretty good.
Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
I didn't find the Timmy joke funny...
But it did remind me of this other joke...
There was a mom and her daughter. One day, the daughter was hit by a car and in her last moments, her mom asked her, "Child, do you have any last words?"
The daughter turned and said, "Tan, tan!"
Posted by anti_maven (Member # 9789) on :
Why do ghosts like jewelery?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend...
*runs for cover*
Posted by anti_maven (Member # 9789) on :
quote:Originally posted by rivka: "Change must come from within!" intoned the vendor.
Excellent. You win!
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
quote:Originally posted by rivka:
quote:Originally posted by papastebu: What did the zen master say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
When the vendor failed to give back the zen master's change, he asked "My change?"
"Change must come from within!" intoned the vendor.
rivka wins the thread by far.
Posted by vonk (Member # 9027) on :
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where ever you left it.
Posted by Damien.m (Member # 8462) on :
My brothers favourite joke:
Knock knock. Whos there? Interrupting Cow. Interup... MOOOOOOO.
Posted by SC Carver (Member # 8173) on :
What did the fish say when it swam into the concret wall?
Dam
*
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef
* (Must be told with redneck, southern draw) What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No Idea (No eye-deer)
What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
Still no Idea
What do you call a deer with eyes, legs or pecker?
Still no F***ing idea.
*
Runs away to hide....
Posted by Damien.m (Member # 8462) on :
Im sorry in advance for this one...
Whats a pirates favourite country?
ARRRRRgentina.
Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
Speaking of redneck jokes...
What were a redneck's last words? "Tell my sister I love her!"
Posted by His Savageness (Member # 7428) on :
So, Ghandi was a great man, a spiritual leader and inspiration to billions, but there's some things about him I bet you haven't considered. For one: he walked. A lot. As such the bottom of his feet were probably all crusty and hard from that walking. For another, all that fasting took a lot out of him. Finally, all that fasting probably made his breath less-than-fresh (not a disparagement, just an observation). You may be asking yourself now, what does all this analysis get us?
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.
</goes back to lurking>
Posted by Lisa (Member # 8384) on :
quote:Originally posted by Damien.m: My brothers favourite joke:
It can be improved on. Link. Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
Interrupting sloth was the best part of that, hands down.
Posted by baduffer (Member # 10469) on :
Why are fire trucks red?
This is about an inch ______ correct? 12 inches make a foot. A ruler could be a foot. A queen is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is ruler and an ocean liner. Ocean liners sail over seas. Seas have fish in them. Fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians in a war. Another name for the Russians is Reds.
So fire trucks are red because they are always rushing aroung.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
I'd tell my favorite joke but it's probably not appropriate for a family forum.
Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks "The usual?" Descartes shakes his head, says "I think not" and disappears.
--Enigmatic
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
quote:Originally posted by ketchupqueen: I'd tell my favorite joke but it's probably not appropriate for a family forum.
email it to me through the forums, I could use a good laugh today.
edit: Enigmatic: A girl told me that joke the first time I'd heard it, I don't know what it is but girls finding that particular joke funny is definately attractive.
Posted by Seatarsprayan (Member # 7634) on :
I don't get the "Tan! Tan!" joke, unless the joke is that there is no punch line, like the ping pong joke.
"Why are fire trucks red?"
I heard this version:
A fire truck has 4 wheels and 8 firefighters. 4 + 8 is 12. 12 inches is a foot. A foot is a ruler. Queen Elizabeth is a ruler. The Queen Elizabeth is one of the largest ships on the seven seas. Seas have fish. Fish have fins. The Finns fought the Russians. The Russians are red. Fire engines are always rushin'.
Therefore fire engines are usually red!
My joke:
A Chinese teak wood merchant named Chan noticed that his stock was disappearing every night.
He sprinkled flour near his door to catch the footprints of the thief. In the morning there were tiny little footprints, as of a small child.
That night he stayed up to catch the boy who was stealing from him, but when the intruder showed up, it was a ferocious bear! Snarling, he grabbed armfuls of the teak wood and started to run away. That's when Chan noticed the bear ran on two legs, and had small human feet instead of paws.
Arising from his hiding place, he cried out, "Stop! Boyfoot bear with teaks of Chan!"
Posted by SteveRogers (Member # 7130) on :
quote:Originally posted by RunningBear: Two cookies are in an oven, and one says to the other, "its really hot in here", and the other says "Holy **** a talking cookie!"
I always heard this one:
There were two talking muffins sitting in an oven. The oven was on, so it was hot. One muffin looked at the other and said, "It's really hot in here."
The other muffin exclaimed, in amazement, "Whoa! A talking muffin!"
Posted by RyanINPnet (Member # 8363) on :
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree...?
Because it was dead!
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
The replacing of cookies with muffins, the added note of the oven actually being on, the deft description of the muffin turning to the other, as well as noting the amazement of the muffin being addressed all make the "Oven Joke: Muffin Edition," far superior to the original cookie effort.
Couple that with the reduced G rating down from a PG-13 that the cookie version gleaned and everybody leaves the theatre happy!
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
Just made this one up,
Why did the Hyena cross the road?
It noticed that the chicken's attempt at crossing to the other side had not passed without a drunk driver automobile related incident.
Posted by Mathematician (Member # 9586) on :
This column really needs a math joke.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the mobius band? A. To get to the other....hey, wait a minute?!?
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
quote:Originally posted by RyanINPnet: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree...?
Because it was dead!
Why did the penguin fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the monkey!
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote:Originally posted by Lyrhawn:
quote:Originally posted by rivka:
quote:Originally posted by papastebu: What did the zen master say to the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
When the vendor failed to give back the zen master's change, he asked "My change?"
"Change must come from within!" intoned the vendor.
rivka wins the thread by far.
I'd take the credit, but that's just how I learned it. (Well, except it was a pizza place instead of a hotdog stand, but that doesn't really matter much.)
Posted by RunningBear (Member # 8477) on :
aristocrats is NOT funny.
no way.
Posted by Artemisia Tridentata (Member # 8746) on :
The guy in the zoo sees a sign that says "Beware the Llama spits!" And, he was.
(He was where the Llama spits)
Posted by Artemisia Tridentata (Member # 8746) on :
same guy is walking past a house, and a woman is sitting on the porch. He says "Lady, how's your dog?" And she did.
(House her dog)
Posted by BandoCommando (Member # 7746) on :
All right, time for some music jokes:
What's the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond? -The savings bond eventually matures and earns money.
How do trumpet players greet each other? -"Hi, I'm better than you."
How can you tell that it's the trombone player's kid on the playground? -"The kid doesn't know how to use the slide and can't swing."
What's the difference between an onion and a bassoon? -Nobody cries when you cut up a bassoon.
What's the difference between a violin and a cello? -The cello burns longer.
Define perfect pitch. -Getting the piccolo into the toilet with a toss from at least 20 yards.
A man is driving down the highway when he sees a turtle and a professional saxophonist crossing the street. Seeing that a collision is inevitable the driver swerves, narrowly missing the turtle and slamming full on into the saxophonist. When asked why he swerved and hit the saxophonist, the man replied, "Well, I didn't want to hit the turtle, because I thought he might actually be on his way to a playing gig! I knew the saxophonist wasn't!"
Posted by the doctor (Member # 6789) on :
How many lab rats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but they have to be really small.
Posted by Dan_raven (Member # 3383) on :
Did you realize that they couldn't hang a man with a wooden leg in the 18th century?
They had to use a rope.
or
Two brothers Butch and Percy, were good friends. One day Percy went up to Butch and said, "I'm going on a big vacation. Could you take care of my cat Simone?"
Butch shrugged his shoulders. "Sure." Butch didn't talk much.
A week later, Simone, and about 50 pounds of various toys, foods, medicines, and assorted junk were left with Butch, and Percy ran off on a cruise to Jamaica.
Two days later Percy decided to call home and check on things.
Percy: Hi Butch, how are things? Butch: OK. Percy: Great. I'm having a lot of fun, and I got some great gifts for Simone. How is he? Butch: Dead.
Percy was stunned. He then wept and said, "Butch, that was...was...just the worst way to say that. Why, why did you have to say it like that. Dead. I'm on vacation and you just say, 'dead'. Its too much a shock for my system." Butch: Oh. Sorry. Percy: Not good enough. Next time something like this happens, you have to ease me into it. You could have told me that he was out playing with his favorite toy, that little red rubber ball. And the next time I called you could have told me he fell off the roof while playing with his red rubber ball, but that the Vet was taking care of him. Then, the third time I called, I would have been prepared, and you could have told me that he was dead. Butch, can't you show just a little sympathy? Can't you show just a little understanding.
Butch: Sorry. Percy: I know. Ok. So. How is Mom? Butch: Um. She's on the roof playing with her red rubber ball...
Posted by Damien.m (Member # 8462) on :
What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?
A drummer.
Posted by theCrowsWife (Member # 8302) on :
quote:Originally posted by BandoCommando: What's the difference between an onion and a bassoon? -Nobody cries when you cut up a bassoon.
What's the difference between an oboe and a foghorn? -You can tune a foghorn.
Posted by GaalDornick (Member # 8880) on :
This is a joke my music teacher once told me when I told him it wasn't me that was off rhythm in a song, it was the rest of the band.
A woman is listening to the news on the radio when she hears about a crazy driver on the wrong side of the road on the highway her husband takes to get home from work. She immediately calls her husband.
"Honey, I heard on the news that there's a crazy driver on the wrong side of the road where you're driving right now!"
"One car on the wrong side of the road?!?! You should see how many there are!"
Posted by Raventhief (Member # 9002) on :
How do you tune two piccolos?
Shoot one of them.
Posted by Artemisia Tridentata (Member # 8746) on :
When Hector Berlioz was asked if he thought there was such a thing as Hell, he is said to have replied; "Hell is sixteen bassoons playing in unison."
Posted by Celaeno (Member # 8562) on :
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
To get to the other side.
Posted by Ecthalion (Member # 8825) on :
quote:Originally posted by Enigmatic: Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks "The usual?" Descartes shakes his head, says "I think not" and disappears.
Awww somone beat me to it.
Anyway: Pirate walks into a bar Has a steering wheel hanging out of his zipper the bartender says to him "Hey... you know you got a wheel in your zipper right?" Pirate says "ARRRR 'n it be drivin me nuts"
Two guys were playing golf one day. They took a small cigaret break. One man took a footlong lighter from his golf bag and lit his cigarret. The other man asked him "Why do you have such a big lighter?" The other man says "Well Jim and I were hunting one day and we found an old oil lamp. We picked it up and out came a Gennie. He gave us both one wish. Jim said he wished he had a million bucks, about that time about a million ducks flew overhead." he paused to take another drag. "So what did you ask for?" said the other man. "Well you dont seriously think i asked for a twlve inch Bic do you?"
Why do Ducks have webbed feet? -To stomp out forest fires Why to elephants have flat feet? -to stomp out burning ducks
How are elephants and plums different? -plums are purple how are elephants and plums the same? -they are both purple (except for the elephant) What did tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? -look.... here come the elephants What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming over the hill? -Look! here come the plums. (she was colorblind)
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms or legs? -Bob what do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other? -Ileene What do you call a man who hangs on walls? -Art
Posted by Ecthalion (Member # 8825) on :
two men went hunting, one of them fell to the ground suddenly, grabbing at his chest. The other called 911 on his cell phone. "Hello?" "Yes, my friend and I are out hunting and he just collapsed, i think he had a heart attack. He may be dead." "Well, first thing we need to do is make sure if he's dead" Suddenly over the line the operator hears a loud report. "Ok... now what?"
Posted by The Flying Dracula Hair (Member # 10155) on :
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
Posted by BandoCommando (Member # 7746) on :
OK. One of my students told me this one last year.
How do you get the elephant into the safeway bag?
Do you give up?
Ok, first, take the F out of 'safe' and then take the F out of 'way'.
"There's no f in 'way'" (No effin way!)
Posted by Nathan2006 (Member # 9387) on :
This is the conversation God had with a devout Christian Blonde (This isn't religiously charged, don't worry):
God: Hello
Blonde: Oh my Goodness. Lord, I'm so honored that you've visited me in person.
God: Well, you've served me faithfully for all of your life and I wanted to express my appreciation. I've decided to grant you one wish.
Blonde: Oh, Lord. You're being here is gift enough.
God: Nonsense, I insist. Go ahead, anything.
Blonde: Well... It's just --
God: What? Really. I'll do anything.
Blonde: It's just those M 'n' M's, Lord. They're so hard to peel!
Did you hear the one about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?
He sat up all night wondering if there really was a dog. __________________________________________________________________________
Bill Gates, Bill Clinton (Outdated, I know), A young hippie, and an old woman are all on a plane together.
Meanwhile, in the engine compartment, something goes horribly wrong. It explodes.
The pilot rushes out, explains the situation, and then gave even worse news.
"There's on 4 parachutes", said he, "And I've got one of them." He jumped of the plane.
Bill Clinton stood up. "I believe that I am one of the most influential men in the world, so I should have a parachute." He took one, and jumped off.
Bill Gates stood up. "I believe that the Smartest man in the world should have a parachute." He took one, and also jumped off.
The elderly lady turned to the young hippie, looking past his long hair and scraggly clothes, and said "Son, I lived my life. I've loved, lost, laughed, cried, and everything in between. You have your life ahead of you. Go. Take the parachute."
The hippie just smiled. "Don't worry. We'll both go. The smartest man in the world just took my backpack."
Posted by Lisa (Member # 8384) on :
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Bill Gates are in a plane together, and it crashes. They find themselves before the pearly gates, where they're told that they have to have a short interview with God before a decision is made whether they can go in or not.
Clinton stands before God, who asks, "Mr. Clinton, what do you believe?"
Clinton thinks about this for a moment and then says, "I believe in peace in the Middle East."
"Enter," booms God.
Al Gore is ushered in, and God asks him the same thing: "Mr. Gore, what do you believe?"
Gore doesn't have to think long. "I believe in the environment."
"Enter," God says in a deep and resonant voice.
Bill Gates is the last. "Mr. Gates," says God, "what do you believe?"
Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my seat."
Posted by anti_maven (Member # 9789) on :
Did you read about the dyslexic who went to a toga party dressed as a goat?
BTW, I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day. Couldn't find any...
Posted by happysmiley (Member # 9703) on :
A blonde, brunette and a redhead were hiking in the woods when they got lost. They came to a cliff and could see their camp on the other side. One of them found a magic lamp and out popped a genie who said,"If you jump of this cliff and say the name of something I will turn you into it." The brunette leaped off and said "eagle!" Sure enought, she turned into an eagle, flew to the other side and became a person again. The redhead jumped, and said, "Plane!" She turned into a plane and did what the brunette did. The blonde was about to jump when she stripped and fell of the cliff, "Crap!"
Two guys are out in the desert when one gets bitten by a poisonous snake on the butt. His friend calls the doctor. "What should i do, my friend just got bit by a snake!" The doctor answered, "Ok, you need to suck out the poison and get him to a hospital" The guy hangs up the phone. His snake-bitten friends asks, "what'd he say?" "You're gonna die."
Don't read the below if you are under 12. Mary went to a catholic school. One day, the teacher was asking the students questions about religion when Mary fell asleep. "Mary, who created Adam and Eve?" the teacher asked her. When Mary didn't answer, the boy behind her named Jim poked her hard with his pencil. "OH MY GOD!" Mary exclaimed and shortly went back to sleep. A little later... "Mary, who died on the cross?" Mary didn't answer so jim poked her with the pencil again. "JESUS CHRIST!" Mary said, then fell asleep. Even later... "Mary, what did Eve say after her second child?" Jim jabbed her one last time. "I swear, if you jab me with that one more time I'll rip it in half!" The teacher fainted.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
A kindergarten teacher has a taste test for her class. Little Johnny is first up. She blindfolds him, pops a Hershey's kiss in his mouth and asks, "What is it Johnny?"
"I'm not sure. . ."
"OK, Johnny, I'll give you a hint: it's something your daddy gets from your mommy every morning before he leaves for work."
Suddenly, a girl at the back of the room yells out, "Spit it out, Johnny! It's a piece of ass!"
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