Today, my cousin invited me to come see the variety show that her students were putting on. After I said sure, she told me that it was a group of people with disabilities who were putting on the show (all with some type of brain damage, I think--some with cerebral palsy, most in chairs). While this surprised me ("wow, that's so cool that you work with them!" I said) I was all the more excited to go.
There was a crowd of maybe 20 people that came (parents and friends) for the 15 or so kids (and adults) in the show. This made it a very intimate setting, where, as the audience, we had to fill a very big hall with our applause. The show was completely created by the students, with lots of music, dance, skits, poetry, jokes, and finally a "dance party" where the audience got up and danced with the cast. There was a great band that provided background music for the whole program. Some of the acts were really amazing: One guy with palsy (I think he was my age--22) played a drum machine with his feet/toes, and he would create beats for some of the other students to rap or sing. They choreographed a wheelchair dance with 4 chairs that was amazingly graceful. The skits were all creative and hilarious. The highlight, for me, was a choreographed dance where a girl with palsy (mid 20's), who could only grip with her arms, got strapped to a (body-skateboard with multi-directional wheels) kind of like the ones mechanics use to slide under a car, and she got pulled around the floor by an assistant (quite gracefully)--so it was like she was flying. I could tell it was exhilarating for her.
I'm posting here because I'm completely at odds with my emotions. I was on the verge of tears throughout the show, and I was wiping my eyes during the "flying" dance. Despite how beautiful all of the acts were and how happy I was to see these people get the opportunity to express themselves, I was sad, uncomfortable, guilty--I felt inadequate and ungrateful. And I don't know why. I felt so sorry for them even though they have so much love in their lives. Their lives are SO MUCH more difficult than mine, and they persevere. I'm feeling so many different things. I feel like I should be overflowed with joy, like the parents of the kids. I feel guilty because part of me is so grateful that I do have a body that works, allowing me to do all of the things that I love.
Does anyone know what I'm going through? I feel awful, and because of that, I feel like there's something wrong with me.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
But it also means you're alive inside, and I think that's good.
OSC wrote a column one time about a young man he saw in a wheelchair at the theater and how he wished he could explain that he wasn't "staring" but missing his son. I feel somewhat that way.
My son died of an internal hemorrhage and something someone tried to say once to cheer me up was that if he had lived, he probably would have had brain damage. For some reason I remember that whenever I see someone with challenges and remember the question "Is that what you would want?" And my answer, selfish though some find it, is "yes."
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
I think the feeling, to me, is always one of amazing humility and guilt that I am not a better person. I feel that I have so many faults, and I meet so many people with disabilities who are so incredibly sweet, loving, giving, thoughtful, brave... I wonder what is wrong with me that I am not more grateful for and giving and loving with what I have.
We are taught in our church that people who are born with disabilities (or acquire them early in life) are not accountable in the same way we are. They have a very real purpose, several in fact-- to gain a body, which is an important thing to us, and to endure trials of their own, and to teach those around them. I am always very much taught by being around people with disabilities.
I am not sure exactly where I am going with this but just to share that I sometimes have similar emotions, and what is behind them for me.
Posted by Qaz (Member # 10298) on :
Sometimes people cry when good things happen. Sometimes something just hits you a particular way. I dont' think you have to be ashamed of what you feel.