This is topic Does it work? in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.


To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/main/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=2;t=049987

---

Posted by Ivygirl1937 (Member # 10918) on :
 
So I'm supposed to do a narrative story-telling speech for my speech class. I'm reaching to try and figure out what story to tell. This is the story I'm considering, basically. Keep in mind this was just stolen from an email I wrote to someone else and I haven't added an intro or edited at all. Also keep in mind I go to a Christian college.

"I got to help catch some criminals, with God's help. Two ladies came in this morning when I was cashiering. Now normally we DO NOT work split shifts because it's confusing, but I had to run the Science club booth at the opportunites fair in the afternoon, so I was working morning and evening. Anyway, the two ladies bought 175 dollars worth of stuff. Since the amount was so large and the check was from Bloooberville, I got their driver's license number and telephone number.
Turns out the check was a bad check from a fake account. I was none too pleased about that happening on my shift. So Adam, the big manager, called the police to the store and talked with them and it was a huge mess for awhile. I told the other cashier, Shirley, what had happened, but she wasn't there and didn't really know what was going on. Plus I told her it was two women.
Later that evening, after I had gotten back and about half an hour before we closed, two guys walked in. I immediately recognized the item they were carrying to return as one of the items I had sold to the two women that morning because that was the first and only one I'd ever sold. And sure enough, I checked the receipt and it was the one for the bad check. The item was about 90 dollars, thankfully, so I had to call the manager anyway to return it. So I called Adam and hinted wildly that the people were back. But I didn't want to scare the guys off because if need be I would've chased them down and tackled them. I was NOT happy about getting a bad check.
So Adam got the hint and came right up, and I called the other two guys to the front in case the two men made a run for it. Adam chewed their bottoms for twenty minutes and told them he was taking the stuff to the county prosecutor. One guy was almost in tears. Apparently this was a scam they had been running for awhile. And they got caught in a small country store. So we totally caught them.
But I give all the credit to God, because normally I wouldn't have worked the evening and morning shift to get them both times, and Shirley wouldn't have recognized the receipt as being the one for the bad check. Only Adam or I would have. So it was totally a God thing that I was there and we caught them. And that I kept my cool because it was difficult at the time. I also know it was God because I had asked Him earlier to help us catch them because I DON'T have people write bad checks on my watch."

Any remarks, constructive critisms, suggestions, etc. would be much appreciated.

Ivy

Edited: Changed names and places because of current prosecution since this was an actual happening.

[ September 07, 2007, 03:40 PM: Message edited by: Ivygirl1937 ]
 

---

Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
 
If you're in a storytelling class, you want to be careful with your opening line. It's too abrupt for oral storytelling -- and actually reads (to me, a cynic) as setup for a satire.

I tried to mentally rewrite this so that it'd sound more like a traditional oral story, but there's not really enough to it. You can embellish detail, but as it stands the only really "interesting" element from a character standpoint is that you're claiming to have been used by God to prevent a robbery. I think that's a fascinating concept to build a story around, but you'd need to flesh it out a little.

I think the man/woman swap team is an interesting detail; try describing them a bit more. The item they bought, the first one you ever sold, is ALSO something that you should probably describe. Why was it so unique? Why haven't you sold more of them? At the very least, that can add color (and possibly even humor) to the telling.

I'd go into more detail about how you felt about working the split shift. Since you're using that as a way of introducing God's influence into the story, you should emphasize its uniqueness and its effect on you.

Basically, you need to make us care -- and you do that by giving us humanizing detail.

I'd consider leading off with a line like "I hate working split shifts. We don't have to do it often, but I had to run the Science Club booth for the school's Opportunities Fair that afternoon and needed to get more hours from somewhere...."
 

---

Posted by Ivygirl1937 (Member # 10918) on :
 
That helps a lot. Like I said, I haven't really reworked it or anything, that was just out off an email I wrote. I hadn't decided whether or not I was going to actually use it for my speech so I haven't even done the intro or anything. That was just a casual email to an intimate friend. She knew what I was talking about. Thanks!
 

---

Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
 
Excellent advice from Tom. It has potential if you work with it as he suggested.
 

---

Posted by brojack17 (Member # 9189) on :
 
How can it work if it doesn't do anything?
 

---

Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
 

quote:

---

I got to help catch some criminals, with God's help.

---

This has definite potential as a "Law & Order" spin-off.


 

---

Posted by Farmgirl (Member # 5567) on :
 
I think if you're going to use the whole "with God's help" with this story (which will be difficult, but I realize you go to a Christian college and they like having that in there as well) -- you almost have to only mention it near the end of the story.

Much like the overall theme of the movie "Signs" -- you know "nothing is coincidence, everything happens for a reason" thing - or somehow where you express that you don't feel like it was a "coincidence" that things happened in this way.

(edit: and yeah, I know I should just tell you this one-on-one, but you're not online this morning....)
 

---

Posted by Ivygirl1937 (Member # 10918) on :
 
Ooh! I love Law & Order. Well, really, just CI and SVU, but still. Good show. I love mystery/medical shows.

Yeah, I wondered how I was going to fit the part about God's help in because it just sounds awkward where I initially said it. The beauty of casual emails; no one cares. However, speech teachers are a little more picky.

I had to work this morning.
 

---

Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
 
Is your speech teacher really requiring that you work God into the speech somewhere? That's a shame.
 

---

Posted by Ivygirl1937 (Member # 10918) on :
 
No, not necessarily, but I would like to work it in anyway. It's part of what happened. It IS a Christian school after all.
 

---

Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
 

quote:

---

Originally posted by TomDavidson:
Is your speech teacher really requiring that you work God into the speech somewhere? That's a shame.

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by brojack17:
How can it work if it doesn't do anything?

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by Lisa:
See, that's the first thing I thought of when I saw the name of the topic. What have I become!?

---