Well, I had to go to the hospital last night and spent the night on IV antibiotics for acute bronchitis and laryngitis. I wasn't going to post anything here because I'm a little tired of talking about it, but I'm stuck on a friend's couch in Houston, and now I can't stop thinking about it. Besides, you guys are a really supportive bunch, and many of you already know.
My 29-year-old rocket scientist boyfriend is actually 40. And he is engaged to be married in 3 weeks to a woman he has been seeing for four years. Of course, he had been seeing me for over a year and a half. Until I found this out on Friday. Nevermind the fact that on Wednesday we had been discussing marriage.
I am really too tired to put too many details. I just thought that those of you who aren't on Livejournal should know in case I seem a bit off in the next few days. This is surreal. I never thought things like this happened to real people.
-pH
Posted by MEC (Member # 2968) on :
Wow, you haave my condolences. I hope things work out for you.
Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
pH: Damn.
Posted by The Pixiest (Member # 1863) on :
Holy crap pH! I'm so sorry =(
Posted by JonHecht (Member # 9712) on :
Wow, I'm sorry.
Posted by Paul Goldner (Member # 1910) on :
i've talked to you already, but just want to put my support here.
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
You should tell him that you're actually a man. See how he likes a little turn-about!
P.S. Sorry to hear that, what a jerk.
Posted by MattP (Member # 10495) on :
Damn. Sorry to hear that. That guy is a total tool. It could be worse, though - you could be the one he's marrying.
Posted by Puffy Treat (Member # 7210) on :
That's terrible. My deepest sympathies.
Posted by JonHecht (Member # 9712) on :
I'm sorry to bring this up, but are you going to tell the woman that he is engaged to that he has been seeing you? It seems that she deserves to know.
Posted by Seatarsprayan (Member # 7634) on :
I second that.
Posted by Paul Goldner (Member # 1910) on :
I don't know if pH is going to read this thread or not anytime soon, and I don't think I'm betraying confidence saying this, but I understand she's trying to track down the other woman to let her know.
Posted by Olivet (Member # 1104) on :
Some of us have heard more about it on lj, but it's not our story to tell. I will say that pH is way ahead of you on that one, though.
Edit: Or, what Paul said.
Posted by James Tiberius Kirk (Member # 2832) on :
Oh, man. Hang in there pH.
--j_k
Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
Oh my! I thought stuff like this only happened on movies... Hang in there pH.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
Jesus, I'm sorry to hear that.
And I have to add: what a douchebag.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
I'm sorry to hear that.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Woah.
I'm so sorry pH. What an absolute... I can't quite think of the appropriate word.
Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :
That's awful, pH. I'm so sorry.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Wow. I'm sorry to hear that, pH. I really can't fathom what would motivate someone to do something like that. Is he really a rocket scientist?
Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
quote:Originally posted by imogen: Woah.
I'm so sorry pH. What an absolute... I can't quite think of the appropriate word.
I don't think there really is one...at least not for this site. >=/
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
On the plus side, this means that when you were feeling all crazy and paranoid about your situation a few months ago, you weren't actually crazy or paranoid. And the ad at the bottom right now is for a "Good Looking People Community," so obviously Google thinks you'll bounce right back.
Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on :
But now it's womansavers.com research and rate b4u date.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
I'm seeing "Your Next Boyfriend Is..."
Posted by SC Carver (Member # 8173) on :
Wow Ph
I am very sorry. I can't imagine going through that. I know I am just a part time lurker, but I have always enjoyed reading your post and hope you can get to feel at least somewhat normal soon.
As far as telling the other woman, I had a very close friend who found out his wife was cheating on him from the other man's wife. It was terribly shocking and my friend took a while to recover, but in the long run it was best for him. It got him out of a very bad relationship that he would have undoubtedly stuck in for many more years if he didn't know. He has remarried and has a great wife and kid. Even though it seems like a horrible thing to do, it's best to let them know what they are tangled up in.
Posted by Shanna (Member # 7900) on :
*hug*
I'm so sorry. Here's to moving onto to all the good things you deserve.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: On the plus side, this means that when you were feeling all crazy and paranoid about your situation a few months ago, you weren't actually crazy or paranoid. And the ad at the bottom right now is for a "Good Looking People Community," so obviously Google thinks you'll bounce right back.
You are very right Tom. I think this whole experience has taught me that my instincts really are generally good.
And yes, I very much want to tell his fiancee. I did tell his parents, though I'm not sure they believed me. He says that he came clean to his dad and had his dad leave me a voicemail to prove it (I still don't have the ability to speak because of being so sick), but the voicemail his dad sent seemed to imply, at least to me, that he tried to put the blame on me somehow, that he was trying to break up with me, and that I was clinging to him, and that simply was not the case. He talked about us getting married so much that I finally got it in my head that hey, maybe it would be really cool to be Mrs. Michael Jerome Campbell. Looking back on the stories he told me, I'm wondering how he even managed to say them...if he has a conscience at all. I really hope he gets help.
To a certain extent, I guess the news....well, it's horrifying and surreal, but it also somehow makes all the little pieces that I didn't quite understand kind of fall into place. I don't know how to explain it. This is probably the weirdest thing that I have ever gone through, and I can't believe he kept up the deception for 2+ years.
-pH
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Not to be nosy, but how did you find out?
I'm glad you found out when you did.
What did he expect to do, dump you when he got married? Commit bigamy?
Posted by Dragon (Member # 3670) on :
(((pH)))
That is unbelievable, that he would be able to live such a complete lie for so long, and that anyone would want to do that to you. I'm so sorry!
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
quote:Originally posted by ketchupqueen: Not to be nosy, but how did you find out?
I'm glad you found out when you did.
What did he expect to do, dump you when he got married? Commit bigamy?
I will let one of the other Hatrackers tell you the saga of how I found out if they are willing. It's an exhausting story for me to type out, but I don't mind you knowing.
-pH
Posted by Evie3217 (Member # 5426) on :
oh, pH, I'm so sorry. What a *insert expletive here*. If there's anything I can do, just let me know.
Posted by steven (Member # 8099) on :
I remember reading pH's threads about this months and months ago.
Posted by rollainm (Member # 8318) on :
Oh my...
That really sucks.
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
That's awful pH. I'm sorry. Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
quote:Originally posted by pH:
quote:Originally posted by ketchupqueen: Not to be nosy, but how did you find out?
I'm glad you found out when you did.
What did he expect to do, dump you when he got married? Commit bigamy?
I will let one of the other Hatrackers tell you the saga of how I found out if they are willing. It's an exhausting story for me to type out, but I don't mind you knowing.
-pH
Okay.
*waits for someone in the know to come on*
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Also, I asked him the same thing...what he was going to do when he got married. He said he was going to break it off with me, but I don't believe him. I honestly believe that if I hadn't found out, he would never have told me.
-pH
Posted by Tatiana (Member # 6776) on :
I still can't believe what a jerk he is. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<Pearce>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on :
On another hatracker's LJ an anonymous presumably woman replied to Pearce's post that she was asking Michael to take her to Hamlet in London, that he has many other girlfriends and she should go to a doctor. pH replied and the woman told more. I am not LJ friends with Pearce so I don't know if this same person targeted her lj.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
quote:Originally posted by breyerchic04: On another hatracker's LJ an anonymous presumably woman replied to Pearce's post that she was asking Michael to take her to Hamlet in London, that he has many other girlfriends and she should go to a doctor. pH replied and the woman told more. I am not LJ friends with Pearce so I don't know if this same person targeted her lj.
We are not LJ friends?! There is much more to it than that.
-pH
Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on :
Why can't we be friends? (I friended you today after Olivet posted that there was more on lj). I knew there was more but knew as much as I posted and didn't want to go beyond comfort and words I was willing to post here.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
We are now friends. And you are on the filter to read the entirety of the...extravaganza.
-pH
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
I friended you as well, pH.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
quote:Originally posted by Phanto: pH: Damn.
Seconded.
That's at least amazing.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
quote:Originally posted by imogen: I friended you as well, pH.
Also friended. And filtered. You too may read the saga of Michael Campbell. And the insanity.
-pH
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
hey pearce we were aim buddies but I don't have a lj, can I still read it?
edit: or maybe I did have one.
Posted by Shanna (Member # 7900) on :
Also friended!
Posted by Stray (Member # 4056) on :
Holy crap, pH, that's horrible! I've also added you on LJ, if you feel like adding me back. no hard feelings if you don't.
*hugs*
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
Holy schnikies- I did have a live journal.
It's orincoro, surprisingly. And I knew the password.
Posted by brojack17 (Member # 9189) on :
Sorry to hear about this. I hate that these type folks are in the world.
Get better then get over him.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
As curious as I am, I refuse to let this be the incident that finally drove me to register at LiveJournal. *grin*
Posted by Saephon (Member # 9623) on :
I'm so sorry pH, you have my hopes and so many hugs I wish I could give. I mean that sincerely.
Something similar has happened to a couple in their 30s who used to babysit me since I was 5. They were the closest adults to me outside my immediate family, so I think I know what you mean when you say surreal.
Posted by porcelain girl (Member # 1080) on :
Remeber the Sex and the City episode where Samantha posted fliers all over the neighborhood about what a lying jerk her boyfriend Richard was? Best.
pH, I'm sorry that you had to go through that. One of the worst parts about these kinds of lies is that it goes back and infects all the good memories. It leaves you with nothing. I'm sorry for that, but I am also supremely glad that you just dodged an enormous bullet. And yes, our instincts are almost always, ALWAYS right. I am hard pressed to think of a single instance where I went against my instincts and it didn't come back and hit me in the face.
Here's for your health improving quickly, your heart and trust healing soon, and the right man finding and appreciating you. ((((pH))))
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
All friended/filtered.
-pH
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
Thankfully I was already registered. I don't know Ph's username though... unless it's PH?
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: As curious as I am, I refuse to let this be the incident that finally drove me to register at LiveJournal. *grin*
Like I said, if someone else wants to explain it here, they're free to do so. I'm just so....bleh right now that I don't want to type the whole thing out.
-pH
Posted by Tinros (Member # 8328) on :
pH, what's your livejournal? Mine's erinelf88, if you'd like to friend me.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Really... some people are just horrible.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
*hugs*
Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.
Nothing as big or finding out as dreadful, but I dated a guy for two months once who was telling the same lie. He went to Thanksgiving out of state, I picked him up from the airport, and he mentioned that he was getting married to his fiance over Christmas break. !!!
First I heard about it. And then he was surprised because I wasn't interested in continuing to date.
So, not as big, but it turns out that happens quite a lot. And to the very best of women!
(They got married that CHristmas and were divorced by the next Christmas. No big surprise there.)
Posted by pfresh85 (Member # 8085) on :
I must still be unfiltered after all these years. Dang.
Sorry this happened, Pearce. If you need someone to talk to, you know all the various ways you can reach me. My ears are open.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Boy oh boy.
Tom the story basically is an anonymous user posted a comment on another hatracker's LJ (as breyerchic said) insinuating that Michael was cheating on pH and also mentioned that he was 40.
pH didn't believe her at first (and was fairly creeped out by the whole thing) - she told Michael, who denied cheating on her. However, through some myspace contacts, pH found out that Michael might actually be 41, not 29 as she thought.
So she did some digging (with the help of internet ninjas) and found his birthdate (1966).
Ok, so pH is confused and upset - why on earth has this man been lying to her about his age for so long? In finding his birth date, she also found his parent's phone number (Note - pH never met Michael's parents, and this was an issue in their relationship. Turns out there was a reason Michael was keeping them apart!). So she rang Michael's parents, and spoke to his Dad who thought she must have got the wrong Michael, as his son (who was 41) was engaged and due to be married in 3 weeks.
pH knew she had the right Michael, because the address matched where she knew his parents lived.
So she rang Michael, he confessed all, cried and said he was sorry.
That's about it, I think. Obviously pH didn't accept the apology, and has changed her locks etc so Michael can't return.
Edit: I replaced some name calling. I think it's implicit anyway.
Posted by Shigosei (Member # 3831) on :
Wow. What a bizarre situation.
Posted by steven (Member # 8099) on :
Didn't she have another boyfriend at some point in time, and that also ended badly, or was that this guy too?
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
quote:Originally posted by steven: Didn't she have another boyfriend at some point in time, and that also ended badly, or was that this guy too?
Michael and I broke up for ~6 weeks during the summer because he hadn't introduced me to his parents, and he was spending too much time at his job (of course, who knows what kind of "job" he was doing). He got a new job working for Lockheed Martin (or at least that's what he told me), and promised to go to couples counseling and to introduce me to his parents, so I took him back.
Rest assured, he will not have such an opportunity ever again.
-pH
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
I hate to say it, but it sounds like the job was the excuse for seeing the other girl.
Oh man, I'm sorry.
I'll bet actual workaholics get a lot of suspicion because of guys like that.
Posted by Shigosei (Member # 3831) on :
I'm so sorry, pH. I can't believe he lied to you for so long. What a horrible thing to do!
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: As curious as I am, I refuse to let this be the incident that finally drove me to register at LiveJournal. *grin*
And once again, I agree with Tom. Hell. Ice.
pH, I'm so sorry you're going through this. No one deserves crap like this. What a jerk!
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
You know, he must have been a really incredibly well-preserved 40-year-old. I'm 32, and I don't think I could pass for 29.
Posted by quidscribis (Member # 5124) on :
I'm 39, and I regularly have people think I'm 25-28. Fahim's the same way. My sister, however, is only two years older than me, and looks *cough* her age. She hates it. Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on :
Tom, there are pictures you should be able to see on Facebook. He's blond. I'd believe 30.
Posted by Valentine014 (Member # 5981) on :
Pearce, I am a friend but I don't appeared to be filtered (unfiltered?).
And I am so sorry. I hope you get better fast (so you have more energy to exact revenge).
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: You know, he must have been a really incredibly well-preserved 40-year-old. I'm 32, and I don't think I could pass for 29.
I'm 23 and I don't think I could pass for anything below 25. Though when I shave my goatee off no one believes I'm older than 18.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
What a schmuck, good riddance I say! I'm sorry somebody you had so much emotion invested in turned out to be such a tool.
Who knew being decent could be too advanced for a rocket scientist?
Posted by Leonide (Member # 4157) on :
This guy sounds eerily -- Eerily -- like the man my sister was seeing. Not the same, but I think it's worse to know there are multiple iterations of him in the world.
i'd like to read the story on your lj...it's turnthepage, but i'm pretty sure i don't have access to your top secret stuff Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Random question....
Does anyone know if they will let me bring my prescription cough syrup on the plane? I really need to have it with me; I don't know how else I will make it through the flight.
-pH
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: You know, he must have been a really incredibly well-preserved 40-year-old. I'm 32, and I don't think I could pass for 29.
You're 32?
To the random question- I would put doses of the syrup in small bottles of some kind and put them in my pockets.
Other option would be non-perscription cough meds in pill form to tide you over. Take your last dose of perscription before checking in, then midway take the non script. You'll probably be fine.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
quote:You may bring all prescription and over-the-counter medications (liquids, gels, and aerosols) including KY jelly, eye drops, and saline solution for medical purposes.
quote:You are not limited in the amount or volume of these items you may bring in your carry-on baggage. BUT if the medically necessary items exceed 3 ounces or are not contained in a one-quart, zip-top plastic bag, you MUST declare to one of our Security Officers at the checkpoint for further inspection.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Prescriptions are fine. Just bring a copy of the prescription, just in case.
I have declared kids' juice, diaper cream, etc. on the last few flights I've been on. They don't have a problem with it. You just tell them that it's there and put it through the x-ray with your other stuff.
Posted by littlemissattitude (Member # 4514) on :
Ah, pH. *Hugs*
There are names for boys like that (no matter what their age, males who act like that are boys, not men). But since every one of them aside from "lying scum" are composed of language I can't use here, I'll simply say that the whole thing sucks and I'm sorry you're having to go through this.
Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on :
Orincoro, curious would you have thought Tom was older or younger? I thought he was younger but not enough to matter (more I was stuck on 2005).
Posted by Leonide (Member # 4157) on :
i'm so sorry, pearce
(((hugs)))
Posted by ricree101 (Member # 7749) on :
Wow, that's pretty crazy, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Posted by Eaquae Legit (Member # 3063) on :
I'm so sorry, pH. That is truly despicable of him.
Posted by plaid (Member # 2393) on :
Sorry pH
...
My friend Karen got involved with a guy named Gary. Nice, hardworking guy. Six months later he disappeared, along with her car and a lot of her money.
She managed to track down Gary's sister, and when she explained who she was, Gary's sister said "Oh, not again." It turns out that Gary had abandoned his wife and kid, and for years had been doing the same thing to Karen and many other women.
Karen recovered the car, though not the money. After that, she took a vow of celibacy for a year. (And, eventually, got involved with a much better guy.)
It was disturbing -- most shady people, you can get a sense that they're shady. Gary was a sociopath -- he didn't give off any signals at all.
But knowing Gary was valuable in a way. I know a few folks who're suspicious types who're always speculating on whether someone is shady and claiming that they can tell when someone is... I like to tell them about Gary, because with someone like that, you really can't tell, and that being suspicious all the time is a waste of time because it still won't keep you safe. There's just going to be some jerks like Gary in the world, and being paranoid and mistrustful all the time wastes your time and keeps you from living your life.
Anyway... I hope you'll be able to learn what you can from this awful mess, and then put it behind you. Go ahead and have a real life, and leave Michael to the wreck he's made of his life.
Posted by 0Megabyte (Member # 8624) on :
Hmm. I remember reading about your problems in the past, ph, though I didn't have much to say since I don'[t know you or anything.
I remember all that time you said he spent "at work."
You complained he was working an absurd amount of the time... yeah. I think we all now know what he was doing.
Well. As Tom said, you weren't being paranoid, things were bugging you for a very good reason. There really WAS something wrong! *hugs* At the very least, it's comforting to know you weren't being crazy or stupid. Not at all pleasant situation, but now things fall into place. I mean... wow.
Posted by Jaiden (Member # 2099) on :
Wow... don't know what to say.... ((((hugs))))
Posted by Olivet (Member # 1104) on :
I think he's triple bad for using her past relationships to convince her that she was being paranoid and unreasonable. "I'm not like so-and-so." Jerk face.
There is at least one other girlfriend besides the wife-to-be, because she was the one who tipped her off, citing a code of 'chicks before dicks.' (I assume this the girl-power equivalent of Bros before Hos, and I certainly approve.)
I am not a violent person, but I wish someone would stomp his privates until they hear a popping sound.
On the bright side, pH is feeling totally vindicated and un-crazy, which is good. I mean, so many break-ups are emotionally murky, but this isn't. He's a bad person, plain and simple. I can see why that has made this a bit easier for pH.
Posted by TheTick (Member # 2883) on :
Holy crap, pH. I'm sorry this happened to you, what an asshole (sorry for the unfiltered profanity, but this is a situation that deserves it). Send me a message through the usual means if you need help with anything.
I hate when jerkwads sully the name Michael.
Posted by Javert Hugo (Member # 3980) on :
I swear, this makes me want to only date those to whom I am formerly introduced by trusted acquaintances who can vouch for his character.
Not that guarantees anything, but still.
Posted by Carrie (Member # 394) on :
((Pearce))
I vote we organize a private-stomping mission. I'd be happy to help.
Posted by sweetbaboo (Member # 8845) on :
Loves and support to you pH!
Posted by zgator (Member # 3833) on :
That sucks pH. And here I thought we engineers were such nice guys.
My wife had a similar situation happen years ago. She was dating someone and they had discussed getting married. He found out that he had a son by his ex-girlfriend in California (he lived in Florida) and decided that he wanted to be a part of his son's life, so he convinced K to move to California with him so they could be near him. He went out first to get things settled and K was to follow in a few weeks with the rest of their things.
She got a call from his parents a few days after he got there to tell her that he had married his ex-girlfriend. They were very apologetic that their son had been such a jerk and told her to keep anything he left to sell and try and recoup some of the financial loss.
It turned out he planned it all along, but just couldn't tell her. It was much easier to just move and never have to see her again. I bet he's turned out to be a great role model for his son.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote:I swear, this makes me want to only date those to whom I am formerly introduced by trusted acquaintances who can vouch for his character.
There was an ad for a service like this at the bottom of the page until a few hours ago, at which point Google started pushing "Amazon Breakthrough Novel" awards.
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
quote:Originally posted by pH: Michael and I broke up for ~6 weeks during the summer because he hadn't introduced me to his parents, and he was spending too much time at his job (of course, who knows what kind of "job" he was doing). He got a new job working for Lockheed Martin (or at least that's what he told me) ...
Assuming that he lives in Louisiana (rather than actually being 107 yrs old and/or living in California), I'd hazard a guess that he is or has been working for a Campbell family business.
Sucks, pH. As MattP said, at least you weren't to the point of married yet, and as TomD said, at least you weren't paranoid or crazy. Small favors.
But no more Ratfink Boy in your life! Yay! *shakes fist
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
quote:Originally posted by ClaudiaTherese:
quote:Originally posted by pH: Michael and I broke up for ~6 weeks during the summer because he hadn't introduced me to his parents, and he was spending too much time at his job (of course, who knows what kind of "job" he was doing). He got a new job working for Lockheed Martin (or at least that's what he told me) ...
Assuming that he lives in Louisiana (rather than actually being 107 yrs old and/or living in California), I'd hazard a guess that he is or has been working for a Campbell family business.
Sucks, pH. As MattP said, at least you weren't to the point of married yet, and as TomD said, at least you weren't paranoid or crazy. Small favors.
But no more Ratfink Boy in your life! Yay! *shakes fist
That first listing (Campbell Racing Systems, LLC) is his company. This I know for sure. Wow, it's crazy what you can find on the internet.
Edit: Are websites like that legit? Like, if I paid the $40, would they steal my credit card info, or would I actually get a whole bunch of good information?
-pH
Posted by MattP (Member # 10495) on :
quote:Are websites like that legit? Like, if I paid the $40, would they steal my credit card info, or would I actually get a whole bunch of good information?
I don't know if that particular site is legit, but there is a substantial economy in "background check" web sites. These companies subscribe to a number of government and private databases from which they can get employment histories, previous addresses, names and relationships of family members, real estate transaction info, etc.
Posted by Shan (Member # 4550) on :
pH, I just caught the thread -- I'm really sorry about what happened, and really glad that you are safe.
Don't do crazy things and compromise your safety and wellness, okay?
Jerks like this guy could be far creepier and jerkier than you even want to suspect.
Take care and give yourself time to heal.
*gentle hug*
Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :
quote:Originally posted by Shan: Don't do crazy things and compromise your safety and wellness, okay?
Exactly. The more you stay involved, the more chance he has to continue messing up your life, either directly or indirectly.
The worst damage you can do to him is remove your wonderful and lovely self from his life utterly. Do it. Anything else is attention, and any attention is good attention for people like this.
Posted by Paul Goldner (Member # 1910) on :
... Aside from telling his other girlfriends.
Oh. And BTW. Private-stomping is good. I think OSC's idea of flaying and dipping in boiling oil is better, though.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
Isn't JT near you, and a strong dude? I imagine he'd be excited to go private-stomping.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Please avoid the private stomping. I think he deserves it, but it can't help, especially if it's been plotted out in public on the Internet.
The law can at times be somewhat forgiving of things done in response to such low behavior. Pre-meditation makes such legal forgiveness much harder to obtain.
More important, though, is what CT said.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I don't think anyone here is serious about any kind of physical violence toward Michael, Dag.
-pH
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
Disclaimer: I'm not actually advocating vigilante action, private-stomping or otherwise.
But it is awfully satisfying to talk about.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
quote:Originally posted by pH: I don't think anyone here is serious about any kind of physical violence toward Michael, Dag.
-pH
I assumed so, but I figured it couldn't hurt to make sure. Posted by Primal Curve (Member # 3587) on :
I alwasy pre-medicate before I go private-stomping.
Posted by anti_maven (Member # 9789) on :
Wow.
((((((pH))))))
Posted by Olivet (Member # 1104) on :
quote:Originally posted by erosomniac: Disclaimer: I'm not actually advocating vigilante action, private-stomping or otherwise.
But it is awfully satisfying to talk about.
Exactly.
I don't hold grudges, and I don't go for revenge.
But imagining sweet, sweet retribution is very cathartic.
I'm just saying... Posted by ludosti (Member # 1772) on :
ICK! I didn't see this when you first posted it, but I want to join in with everyone else. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It may be small consolation, but I'm glad you found out about this now before wasting any more time on someone who definitely doesn't deserve it. Hopefully you're able to contact his fiance. No more thinking you're paranoid. Heal and be happy!
Posted by sarahdipity (Member # 3254) on :
Ack, that just sounds fantastically awful.
As an aside, I feel like I need to join the hatrack livejournal club. *feels left out*
[ October 23, 2007, 09:59 PM: Message edited by: sarahdipity ]
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
Is it illegal to pee in someone's gas tank? Not that I'm suggesting that, just wondering what someone could conceivably do and not get in trouble... it's research for a book. Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
Even if it's not illegal...would that really do much damage...especially with the..ahem, risks involved?
Posted by Morbo (Member # 5309) on :
Only if you're diabetic.
Posted by Pegasus (Member # 10464) on :
quote:Originally posted by MightyCow: Is it illegal to pee in someone's gas tank? Not that I'm suggesting that, just wondering what someone could conceivably do and not get in trouble... it's research for a book.
Would you really want to hold that little flap on the filler neck open while you do it? ewww Posted by CaySedai (Member # 6459) on :
I read this earlier and pH, I am sorry that this happened, but this is definitely the kind of thing I prefer would happen (if it must) before, say, a wedding. IMHO, of course.
Posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion (Member # 6473) on :
I read this earlier and pH, I am sorry that this happened, but this is definitely the kind of thing I prefer would happen (if it must) before, say, a wedding. IMHO, of course.
Hmm, I thought the sugar in the tank thing was for diesels.
Posted by Belle (Member # 2314) on :
pH, I don't have anything new to add, I just echo others in saying I'm sorry this happened, but glad it happened before a wedding took place, and that you are vindicated in trusting your own judgment and instincts.
Try to look on this as an opportunity for growth and making you a better person. The guy is out there taht will appreciate and love you for yourself and be willing to be honest with you. I hope you find him soon.
I agree with what's been said about not dwelling on this and moving on. Don't give him any more of your emotional energy and attention. He doesn't deserve it.
(((pH)))
Posted by Olivet (Member # 1104) on :
I really have to add here that I truly believe nothing vindictive should actually be done to this man, or his possessions.
His bride to be should know he's a skank and that she should maybe be tested for STDs, but you know he's going to weasel out of it all as best he can.
That's fine. If there's anything I've learned from living as long as I have, it's that being a person like that is its own punishment. What goes around WILL come around.
pH doesn't need to do a thing, and neither does anybody else. She's done. Find a way to let the bride to be know in the least confrontational way possible, and turn the page.
Posted by NotMe (Member # 10470) on :
Egging the car is so in-your-face. I'd prefer to put the egg in the oil tank (and wiper fluid and transmission fluid...)
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
The best place for egg is liberally applied to all the intake areas of the car, especially in warm climates.
The easiest way to screw with someone's vehicle is to superglue their locks. Easy and fast, but costly to repair.
Not that I advocate that sort of thing.
Not at all.
Especially not with a note written in lipstick on the windshield.
Posted by Samprimary (Member # 8561) on :
I've never really understood trying to find out 'clever' ways to break a car all small kine.
I mean, windows are too easily broken. I'm serious -- this has puzzled me.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
Windows make loud sounds when broken, and set off car alarms, and are easily fixed, even if it does cost a bit of money, whereas most screw-with-your-car tricks I've heard of revolve around one of several things:
1) Making the ride more unpleasant in a way that cannot be easily detected and/or fixed. 2) Causing a problem that is an inconvenience, but costly to fix, thereby creating a "should I bother to fix it" situation. 3) Causing comparatively high damage to the amount of effort involved. 4) Able to be accomplished stealthily.
It's why keying a car, which can be done quickly and quietly and without setting off an alarm, is more popular than a baseball bat to the windshield.
Posted by Samprimary (Member # 8561) on :
Right, but I'm talking about stuff that's at least as hard to conceal as, say, fruitlooping a car or trying to pour X into the gas tank or putting a fistful of pennies down the oil cap or whatever. Except maybe without the special access under the hood.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
Yeah, that crap never made a whole lot of sense to me.
Posted by porcelain girl (Member # 1080) on :
You do not pee in gas tanks...you pee in the air vents. :::innocent whistle:::
Posted by MightyCow (Member # 9253) on :
I just want an excuse to pee on someone's car. Heck, I'm just going to to outside and pick some random cars. BRB!
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
quote:Originally posted by porcelain girl: You do not pee in gas tanks...you pee in the air vents. :::innocent whistle:::
The next door neighbour's cat pees in air vents. Luckily we were warned, so chase said kitty off the car when we can.
Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
quote:Originally posted by Altáriël of Dorthonion: I don't think there really is one...at least not for this site. >=/
Sonuva...Muther...A....Ba...Ah, no.
Damn, I'm sorry, pH.
I cannot adequately contribute to the ingenious and bloodthirsty (and entirely hypothetical <whistles innocently>) mayhem proposed by others.
But I can say that my mother's first marriage was anulled because her husband was a lying, gambling-debt accruing louse, and that both my sisters have gone through awful boyfriends... And that my mother had been married to my father for some twenty-five years when she died, and that both my sisters found people they wanted to spend their lives with who deserved their trust.
You will find someone you can care about who deserves your trust. I hope it won't be too hard to give them that trust when it comes along.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I think it's finally starting to get to me. Really, really get to me. I just keep thinking about the way he used to look at me, the things he said to me....mostly just the way he would look at me, the way he would hold me...and I wonder, how could that not have been real? And if that wasn't real...how will I ever know if it's real with anyone? I was so sure of him. So completely and utterly sure. How can anyone ever really know anyone else? I thought I knew him...I was so sure of his love for me. I was so sure that we could have a life together. And yet...it was a lie. Or was it? How much of it was a lie? He was the one person that finally got me to really...think about the future and be okay with that. And to not freak out about the idea of sharing my life with someone.
But I was his midlife crisis. I was his red Lamborghini. I really don't see any other way to explain it. A 40-year-old man with a 36-year-old fiancee gets a 22-year-old, skinny blonde girlfriend. Why couldn't he just have bought himself an impractical car and spared my heart?
-pH
Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on :
I'd take you over a red lamborghini anyday pearce! A porche could be a bit more tempting.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
*hugs pH* I'm so sorry. I agree with everything. It doesn't make any sense.
As for explanation, what follows is NOT an excuse for him. It doesn't make it okay at all. It is an attempt at an explanation of how what he said could still be real amidst all the facts.
I think people, and often men, compartmentalize in both space and time. If Michael had a Work Life and Parents Life and a Fiance Life and they are all separate from each other, then maybe he had a PH Life as well, and within that PH Life he did meant everything he said. It was possible because he compartmentalized it away from everything else.
I swear, I think this explains the popularity of the "Nobody puts Baby in the corner." line - that it does happen that people are pushed into just a corner of their SO's life, and that is unacceptable.
*hugs* A good man will not compartmentalize y'all's relationship. Michael isn't/wasn't that, but it doesn't mean that everything he said was a lie.
quote:He was the one person that finally got me to really...think about the future and be okay with that. And to not freak out about the idea of sharing my life with someone.
I could have written that. I broke up with Matt recently, and it was the same thing - first person that didn't make me want to run the other direction. I actually even resent it a little, because now I want that and I didn't before.
On the upside (for both of us), wanting that makes it more likely to get it, and maybe the next guy will be evaluated in part for the likelihood of that happening.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
pH, I know I've never been too warm toward you, but I just wanted to lend my support and outrage to the mix.
((pH))
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
I think it's also possible that Michael's a sociopath, and therefore believed all the lies as he said them.
Posted by katharina (Member # 827) on :
Yeah, that too. They are often charming.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
What katharina is saying makes alot of sense. I could easily see him as falling into that niche. I think him crying on the phone while confessing it all could possibly be him partially coming to terms with the reality of his situation. He had been in denial up until then. Doesn't excuse him from anything he has done, it just makes it apparent and comprehendable.
pH: This shock may last for a long time, but speaking from experience it's important you learn to trust again. Human beings are not all scum, you will find one who is worth believing in if you want to. It's too soon to see it now, but when you think you are up to it, move on. Don't wallow in this depression and fear.
Its horrible that you have to go through this, but you are smarter and wiser now because of it, use that knowledge to your advantage down the road. Know what to look for in a man, know what a red flag is, know what a green light is. The only thing that could make Michael's gross infidelity worse is that it damages you permanently. Why let him ruin your life, you've worked damn hard at it for over 20 years? Who is he to cancel on your party permanently?
Of course your feelings for him are/were real, they are as real as anything you are going to experience, but the situation has changed, you have to respond to it. Any more emotion you invest in him you will see no return on. Invest in you and pick yourself up again. Change the things in your life you need so that this stage of your life can fall behind you. When you think you can, forgive him, and calmly erase him from your life; open yourself to your friends and family. Get back on a normal routine and be productive.
This is all general advice but it's what I had to do when I had my own crisis of a similar nature to deal with. It's very hard for me to even touch on this subject and I was tempted to post this anonymously, but I wanted to be just alittle brave, as you have demonstrated ALOT of courage. I honestly want you to get through this with as few bruises as possible.
Best of luck, BlackBlade.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I do think that to a certain extent, this experience has taught me about how wonderful people can be, despite how horrible he has been. I just can't believe how supportive people have been, even people who have never met me in person or who don't live anywhere nearby...calling to check up on me, trying to help me out any way they can...it's a weird dichotomy, emotionally.
-pH
Posted by Tatiana (Member # 6776) on :
I'm so glad you are taking it that way. I think in the end this shows you're a strong and mature person and will come out on top despite some really bad experiences you've had along the way. I'm really proud to be your friend. I'm proud to know you.
Posted by Paul Goldner (Member # 1910) on :
It'll get better, Pearce. *hugs* You'll find someone someday that deserves yuor love, and will really love you back.
And, meanwhile, you have all these hatrackers here who love you.
Posted by Stan the man (Member # 6249) on :
(((((pH))))) I gues that would explain the "long hours" he was working.
Posted by Alcon (Member # 6645) on :
Wow, pH that's... terrifying. I didn't think crap like that actually happened... you know, outside of the TV shows I tend to avoid. ((((((((pH))))))) *echos what everyone else has said*
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Well, according to the wedding registries we found, the wedding was supposed to be tomorrow. Er, today, since it's after midnight.
Apparently he dropped my things off at JT's house when JT wasn't there. He didn't even have the guts to look me in the eye again. And he obviously didn't want to face one of my friends, either. What a wuss.
I'm pretty sure he's a sociopath. I realized that last night, thinking over the conversation we had a few days ago. That made me cry. Because it makes me sad to think that nothing I can do will ever make him feel the tiniest bit of guilt over what he's done. I really wish I knew there was some shred of humanity in him.
-pH
Posted by breyerchic04 (Member # 6423) on :
Pearce, IM me I don't have your current sn saved. I'm up and available.
Posted by foundling (Member # 6348) on :
pH, that's a horrible thing to have to go through. I can relate to the frustration of knowing that nothing you say will penetrate a consciousless persons thick hide. I've got to say, coming to the realization that it really didnt matter whether I was able to affect them, that the only important thing was that they not affect ME anymore was a very liberating moment for me. It's still new and raw for you, but I hope you can come to that realization faster than I did. He's not worth your time, your thoughts, your heart, your pimples, the crap on the bottom of your shoe... He's just not worth it.
I read this book called "The Sociopath Next Door", by Martha Stout, that helped me to realize that I was by far not the only person to be taken in by someone like that. It also helped me actually feel some pity for someone who genuinely isnt capable of feeling what I needed them to feel. Only a little pity, mostly surrounded by anger and disgust, but it still helped to put things in perspective.
Anyways, I wish you good luck in moving past the black spot this person inflicted on your life.
Posted by TheGrimace (Member # 9178) on :
<<hugs from another stranger>>
In addition to well-wishes that you continue to get through this as unscathed as possible, let me just throw a good word in there for the rest of the rocket scientist population. Honestly, we're not all bad, and could use more good romantic opportunities so don't hate us on principle.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
*siiiiiidles over* Oh, really?
-pH
Posted by miamiandy (Member # 8906) on :
I'm new to the forum so don't really know you much. But I still feel the need to say that people can be really bad and if you haven't yet you should definitely try to reach his new wife and inform her before to much happens. Kids or the like.
For the sake of the person he cheated on. It is the right thing to do and might make you feel a bit better too. Having helped someone else from his grasp and having dealt a blow and show him that there are repercussions to doing what he did.
But remember that life goes on and don't let this horrible experience ruin life for you.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
quote:Originally posted by miamiandy: ...if you haven't yet you should definitely try to reach his new wife and inform her before to much happens. Kids or the like.
For the sake of the person he cheated on. It is the right thing to do and might make you feel a bit better too. Having helped someone else from his grasp and having dealt a blow and show him that there are repercussions to doing what he did.
She's on it, no worries.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I have a question...because I've never had a relationship last this long before...but also...the way that it ended isn't really typical of the ending of most long-term relationships. Or at least, I hope it isn't.
If I get a crush on someone, how do I know if I really like them, or if it's a "rebound?" I honestly don't know how to tell the difference. I don't really think I understand what a rebound is, either.
-pH
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Basically, after a LTR ends, you'll be (understandably) lonely and desperate for closeness, affection, and physical contact. This means that you'll tend to look faster and less closely at anyone who might offer you those things. The only real way to tell the difference between a rebound relationship and a "real" relationship is this: a "real" relationship lasts once you get over the heartbreak of the old one. Since that's not very useful, I recommend a rule: stay single -- without dating -- for twice the time you were in your last relationship, up to a maximum of one year.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson: only real way to tell the difference between a rebound relationship and a "real" relationship is this: a "real" relationship lasts once you get over the heartbreak of the old one. Since that's not very useful, I recommend a rule: stay single -- without dating -- for twice the time you were in your last relationship, up to a maximum of one year.
This is a very, very good rule to follow, in my experience.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
A very, very good, very, very difficult rule to follow.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
quote:Originally posted by erosomniac: A very, very good, very, very difficult rule to follow.
Yeah....I really can't see myself doing that....
Although I will say that I don't think I'm heartbroken over this so much as...well, pissed off, of course. And paranoid.
And I have to go get tested for everything under the sun now, and that makes me really scared. To be honest, that is the one thing that DOES make me really upset/heartbroken...because I trusted him enough to be intimate with him, and he knowingly put me at all kinds of risk. So I'm terrified of going, but I know that I need to go. He said that he is putting a check in the mail today to pay for me to get tested, but I'm going to make the appointment and worry about whether or not he actually sent a check later. Because that is more important.
-pH
Posted by TheGrimace (Member # 9178) on :
I think the key (or guideline) for me would be that you want to hold off on serious attachment until you are stable and at a point where you can start a relationship again fresh and not rush it too much. I think rebound dating tends to escalate quickly (because you want to get back to the level of intimacy that you just lost) but is generally not healthy in the long run (or short run for that matter)
Edit: I think it really boils down to you getting comfortable being single again. Cause our identity changes at least some as we get further and further into a relationship. so when that's no longer there to at least partly define us, we have to get settled back into being single before we can really start fresh with a new person.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
quote:Originally posted by TheGrimace: I think the key (or guideline) for me would be that you want to hold off on serious attachment until you are stable and at a point where you can start a relationship again fresh and not rush it too much. I think rebound dating tends to escalate quickly (because you want to get back to the level of intimacy that you just lost) but is generally not healthy in the long run (or short run for that matter)
So what you're saying is, you won't be my rebound rocket scientist? Darn.
-pH
Posted by TheGrimace (Member # 9178) on :
well, I think you'd have to give it some time anyway cause I'm on the other side of the country... but by the time you got out this way I could potentially be your rebound rocket scientist and when I tell you I'm 25 I'm not lying Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
*siiiiiiiiiidles over again* So....how YOU doin', rocket boy?
-pH
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
I know lots of single rocket scientists. But most of them are kinda weird, and all are awaaaay out her in California. So I don't think I'll introduce you. Posted by CaySedai (Member # 6459) on :
I would keep a photocopy of that check he's supposed to be sending, BTW.
Okay, well I shouldn't, but think you should. Something along those lines.
Posted by TheGrimace (Member # 9178) on :
hey now kq... we need as much help as we can get
and for the record I'm doing alright if a bit tired and happy that you can definately still manage some cheerful banter amidst the justified anger pH Posted by porcelain girl (Member # 1080) on :
quote:Originally posted by ketchupqueen: I know lots of single rocket scientists. But most of them are kinda weird, and all are awaaaay out her in California. So I don't think I'll introduce you.
I'm in California
Oh, and I love space.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
How old are you? Most of the single ones I know well (not all, but most) are older... And still single for a reason...
Posted by Javert Hugo (Member # 3980) on :
quote:And still single for a reason...
I hate that phrase. It implies that if someone isn't married, then there must be something wrong with them. First, it encourages people to get married as soon as possible regardless of whether it's a good decision, and second, it's quite uncharitable.
Third, it implies that there getting married equals a stamp of approval. It isn't.
quote: "You're like a serial killer in prison." "Women marry them all the time!"
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
quote:Originally posted by Javert Hugo:
quote:And still single for a reason...
I hate that phrase. It implies that if someone isn't married, then there must be something wrong with them. First, it encourages people to get married as soon as possible regardless of whether it's a good decision, and second, it's quite uncharitable.
Third, it implies that there getting married equals a stamp of approval. It isn't.
quote: "You're like a serial killer in prison." "Women marry them all the time!"
My brother is not married, and there is nothing wrong with him. But he does not socialize enough to make friends. He won't get married until he does.
Posted by Javert Hugo (Member # 3980) on :
And you're prescient now?
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
I think rushing into a marriage is a lot riskier than waiting to get married, even if waiting means you get stigmatized.
Posted by Rakeesh (Member # 2001) on :
quote:He won't get married until he does.
While I agree that 'still single for a reason' is an unkind thing to say, from a purely pragmatic standpoint not socializing enough to make friends does make one's chances of finding a suitable partner for marriage worse. If you don't socialize, what's left? Random chance meetings, and work?
Posted by Javert Hugo (Member # 3980) on :
Shy, introverted people do get married all the time.
To answer the question directly, how many couples here met on the internet?
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
quote:Originally posted by Javert Hugo: To answer the question directly, how many couples here met on the internet?
Is that not considered socializing?
I certainly consider it socializing - it helps me meet my quota. Posted by Ben (Member # 6117) on :
eros beat me to it.
internet forums ARE social.
Posted by Javert Hugo (Member # 3980) on :
Forums are not the only way people meet on the internet.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
Yes, but how many ways are there to meet people on the internet that you wouldn't consider social?
Posted by Javert Hugo (Member # 3980) on :
*sigh* Don't split hairs.
I'm saying that you don't have to chat up every barista and go to dances in order to get married.
Posted by Rakeesh (Member # 2001) on :
quote:Shy, introverted people do get married all the time.
I think you're being overly defensive about this. I didn't suggest it was impossible to get into a good marriage if you don't 'chat up every barista...' just that insofar as such things can be tangibly guessed at, one's chances are not improved by not socializing.
You're less likely to draw the ace of hearts if you only rarely draw from the deck.
Posted by Javert Hugo (Member # 3980) on :
Sure - but that's certainly not reason enough for other to walk around passing out judgments.
Added: That also implies that everyone is waiting for the ace of hearts as opposed to something in the higher cards in a red suit.
[ November 06, 2007, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: Javert Hugo ]
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
quote:Sure - but that's certainly not reason enough for other to walk around passing out judgments.
quote:Shy, introverted people do get married all the time.
To answer the question directly, how many couples here met on the internet?
Er.
Posted by Javert Hugo (Member # 3980) on :
You'll have to spell out your objections directly, e.
Posted by Sharpie (Member # 482) on :
I know that I'm shy, quite, and I'm fairly defensive when people use the word "shy" in a negative way. Shy isn't bad. Shy isn't good or bad. It's just shy.
I hate parties, but I love the people in my life. I love solitude. I am energized by time alone and thinking, just the way (I understand) that extroverts are energized by interacting with people.
Don't be surprised when shy people are defensive. We hear things like "she'll never find a husband" or "she's so gifted, too bad she is backwards". There are books (written by unshy people) about how to help your child not be shy. Then if we are smart, we look at our lives, our very full lives with friends and happiness, and think about those poor people who have to go to party after party :-).
To be somewhat on topic, pH, I am sorry that this person was a scumbag and I'm glad that you found out. I hope for great happiness in the future for you.
Posted by Rakeesh (Member # 2001) on :
Javert Hugo,
quote:Sure - but that's certainly not reason enough for other to walk around passing out judgments.
Added: That also implies that everyone is waiting for the ace of hearts as opposed to something in the higher cards in a red suit.
Well, of course it's not. I thought I already made it clear I thought it wasn't a good reason to pass judgement.
As for higher cards...heh, well, it depends on what game you're playing. An ace is either high card or low card...but in the games I most commonly play, it's the high card. In some games it's the high card OR the low card. Anyway, I didn't suggest that people waiting were waiting for the lowest.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote:There are books (written by unshy people) about how to help your child not be shy.
That's because shyness is a mental disorder. Posted by Javert Hugo (Member # 3980) on :
I think my metaphor was muddled. I was saying that some people are waiting for the ace of hearts and only the ace of hearts and even if they meet the ace of diamonds then no good because that isn't the ace of hearts, and other people are a go when they meet someone who is anything from a 10 to an ace in either a diamond or a heart.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
quote:As for higher cards...heh, well, it depends on what game you're playing. An ace is either high card or low card...but in the games I most commonly play, it's the high card. In some games it's the high card OR the low card. Anyway, I didn't suggest that people waiting were waiting for the lowest.
I'm pretty sure she was implying that not everyone is waiting for the best, but is willing to settle for (or is actively seeking) great, good or above average.
Edit: or she could post while I was posting, making my post useless!
Posted by Reshpeckobiggle (Member # 8947) on :
What if I'm looking for a set? Or a full house even (why not?)
Posted by Sharpie (Member # 482) on :
quote:Originally posted by TomDavidson:
quote:There are books (written by unshy people) about how to help your child not be shy.
That's because shyness is a mental disorder.
Pshaw. Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
I need to clarify that there are real reasons. Like commitment issues, abandonment issues, anger management issues, and a lot of other baggage these people would have to overcome before they would be in a relationship. Reasons. Reasons that meeting someone nice is not going to change, and reasons that have in fact broken several hearts.
I love these folk to be friends with them, but the ones I'm thinking of, I would not want to be in a relationship with, because I'm pretty sure I'd end up hurt.
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
As would kpc, probably.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
Javert: I doubt he will get married until he does, is that better?
Look being an introvert is not a bad thing in of itself. In the case of my brother he actually is not introverted. But he fails to empathize with others, and is very rigid in how he acts around people. Hence he is starting to withdraw from society.
Those behaviors DO lower his chances of finding a suitable partner for life, which is something HE desperatly wants.
Posted by Shigosei (Member # 3831) on :
That's how I interpreted your post, kq. Not "They're not married, there must be a reason!" but "I know from experience that they have problems that would make it unlikely for them to be in a relationship."
I have a friend who feels lonely and wants a relationship. But I don't think that will happen until he addresses the problems he has. I'm not judging him because he's single -- I'd think the same things if he were in a relationship.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Exactly, Shig-- except when they're in a relationship it's two people hurting instead of one.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
quote:Originally posted by Noemon: As would kpc, probably.
I'd like to hope so. Posted by TheGrimace (Member # 9178) on :
kq, I understand where you're coming from and it's why I phrased things that a lot of us are normal/decent guys (certainly not everyone) and I'd even be willing to grant that my field probably has a greater proportion than some others of people with let's call them "personality oddities" that don't lend so much towards good/stable relationships.
I'm just arguing that there's some of us who are single atm primarily because we don't have/take enough opportunities to get out there and meet others and/or meet other women (though I shouldn't complain since my work environment has proportionally a lot more women than many other areas within the industry). at least for me it's more of the "not as many cards drawn out of the deck" thing (to borrow an earlier analogy).
And that could launch me into a whole 'nother discussion (which has already been partly started) but I don't know that it's appropriate to derail pH's thread more than it already is Posted by Squish (Member # 9191) on :
quote:Originally posted by pH: If I get a crush on someone, how do I know if I really like them, or if it's a "rebound?" I honestly don't know how to tell the difference. I don't really think I understand what a rebound is, either.
-pH
I know this input is out of nowhere but I just thought I'd say that for me, a rebound is someone who helps you get over the first person by helping with physical contact withdrawals. I always miss hugs and whatnot and rebounds are stand-ins until I'm in a better situation. I don't know if anyone else sees it this way, but if I only think about a person when I don't want to be alone, I think he/she might be a rebound. If I start thinking about them as far as what I like about their personality and notice I'd choose to hang out with them for a specific reason, then I think they're less of a rebound and more of a possibility.
Hope things get better for you, pH. Hugs.
Posted by Nick (Member # 4311) on :
I'm very sorry to hear that this happened to you Pearce.
As for knowing when to date again, I've had trouble with that too. I think Tom's advice is spot-on about timing. It's been almost a year since my fiancee passed away, and I'm starting to feel like I'm ready to go and date again. I feel like I should. I'm still young like you are, I'm 23, so we both have time. I'ts just hard being single after years of a long term relationship. I'm finding it very hard to determine whether feelings I have for one girl or another are the beginnings of a "rebound" relationship, and I honestly doubt if it's possible to tell.
I wish you the very best in finding a good and honest man, they are out there. I know everybody has said this, but my email is always open if you want to talk about it at all. Posted by Kasie H (Member # 2120) on :
quote:I know this input is out of nowhere but I just thought I'd say that for me, a rebound is someone who helps you get over the first person by helping with physical contact withdrawals. I always miss hugs and whatnot and rebounds are stand-ins until I'm in a better situation. I don't know if anyone else sees it this way, but if I only think about a person when I don't want to be alone, I think he/she might be a rebound. If I start thinking about them as far as what I like about their personality and notice I'd choose to hang out with them for a specific reason, then I think they're less of a rebound and more of a possibility.
I think this is about right. I can identify people I'm rebounding with because when I step back from the situation, I can tell that I'm "settling" for them, and I almost always have put up roadblocks in my head to having a serious relationship.
Also, I've noticed that if a man is a rebound and not a serious possibility, I continue to rehash the old relationship emotionally even while being with the other person physically. And if I feel like I'm starting to have serious feelings toward the new person, they're usually a shadow of the feelings I had for the person I just broke up with.
I know it's not a rebound when I'd rather think about the new person than the old.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
quote:Originally posted by Kasie H:
I know it's not a rebound when I'd rather think about the new person than the old.
I can see that. Although right now, I'm still occasionally struck with the angry-type-feelings...speaking of which...
You guys, I'm fairly certain he did get married. He gave my things back with a few weird items that weren't even mine, and in between asking him about them, I asked him several times if he'd gotten married. He answered the questions about the items, but he would never give me a simple yes or no about the marriage. And if he did get married, I feel obligated to tell his wife. Does this count as dwelling on it? At what point should I just let it go? It just makes me so angry that he might not have told her anything...or might have invented some weaselly lie that made her still okay with going through with the wedding. And I feel a little guilty that I couldn't contact her in time to prevent this from happening. At the same time, I know that dwelling on this is bad....but I really feel bad for her and want her to know the truth. I know that none of this is directly my fault, but I still feel kind of guilty for not...I'm not exactly sure what it is that makes me feel guilty.
-pH
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
Presumably he is living with his wife. Call and leave a message.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I don't have a home phone number for him....ever. I have 2 cell phones. Although I suppose she probably changed her name, based on some things he told me in the past...perhaps I can find something that way.
-pH
Posted by Javert Hugo (Member # 3980) on :
You should ABSOLUTELY NOT feel guilty.
I know exactly what you mean. That brief period where I was made complicit in that one guy's cheating without knowing left ME feeling like I'd done something wrong.
This goes a long way towards explaing my absolute abhorence and disgust towards anyone who is cheating in just about any way. It's despicable and selfish, because it hurts everyone they have contact with.
For this...I don't know. If you think she doesn't know, then maybe...but you don't have to. It might be dwelling on it.
My feeling is that whoever told you also told her. My experience says that it isn't going to last regardless of what you do. The best thing for you is to burn his stuff and forget him completely. He's not worth a second more thought.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
I'm taking his stuff to give to charity today, actually. Along with all the stuffed animals and things that he gave me. Maybe some kids will have a nice Christmas.
-pH
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Why don't you ask the person who told you about him if she also told his then fiancee?
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Because the person who told me did so through anonymous Livejournal comments. I suppose I could reply to the comments again, but I doubt she's still reading them.
-pH
Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :
Ah, I see; I'd thought that at some point the two of you had taken the conversation to email.
Posted by El JT de Spang (Member # 7742) on :
Or, you could check wedding registries at the likely places and call some churches that they may have gotten married at (location and denomination should be easy to figure out). Whether they did get married or are planning to, the girl deserves to know.
And don't call him again, for any reason.
Posted by Paul Goldner (Member # 1910) on :
She deserves to know.
Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :
Pearce, have you tried all the grassroots methods of attracting her attention? Put up flyers, post on Craigslist, put up a notice on any prominent local bulletin boards, put up a notice in all Planned Parenthood clinics near you (most of them are very cooperative in this regard).
It doesn't have to be caustic, threatening or anything else that would expedite such a notice being removed, just a picture with a note like "Do you know this man's wife? If so, please contact me at (anonymous e-mail address)." It may not reach her directly, but there's a good chance someone who knows her will find it. Now's the best time, since they just got married and their faces & names are prominent in the minds of those who know them.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
We've found wedding registries of theirs, but as yet no marriage certificate. I think they were planning on living in Abita Springs, so anything I do around here would probably be useless. I did email the one coworker of his that I've met, but he hasn't responded. Michael seems to have deleted his entire online presence, and I assume that if she hasn't found out by his Myspace and such before now, she probably doesn't use the Internet much at all.
Her name is SO common, too. It's frustrating! Part of me just wants to give up and let it go, but that's the part that's worried that this is me dwelling on it too much. I guess it's because in this case, revenge and doing the right thing fall neatly into the exact same action: making sure the wife is informed. So I guess that makes me worry if I'm doing this for the right reasons. But she really does need to know. And get tested. Speaking of which, the check he supposedly mailed me to cover testing still hasn't come. Fortunately, I just went ahead and had it done without waiting for said check. So if it does show up, hooray, I won't be quite so tight on money. If it doesn't, at least I'll know.
-pH
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
By the way, his gifts and things have been donated. The people seemed really happy to have all those boxes of stuffed animals and stuff, especially right at the holidays. That cheered me up today.
But I allowed myself to be a little selfish. I did not donate the Wii.
-pH
Posted by Javert Hugo (Member # 3980) on :
That sounds great, especially the stuffed animals and things.
And I don't blame you about the Wii. Do you play Guitar Hero? That's the one I've been hearing about.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
Augh. One of the people who could have been most helpful in finding the wife (a coworker of his) thinks that I only want to find her to get revenge.
Cutting my losses just isn't enough for me right now. I really, honestly don't feel right about having been a part of this situation, and I feel like there must be some way for me to make amends. And I think the best way would be to make sure the woman is informed.
But yeah. It's frustrating when people think you're some kind of spiteful person. I mean....she DOES deserve to know...at least, I think so. And it seems like a lot of you guys think so, as well.
I don't know. This whole situation is exhausting.
Edit: And no! I've never played guitar hero, even though many of my friends are totally addicted to it. I should give it a try sometime.
-pH
Posted by scholar (Member # 9232) on :
Ok- possibly mean, dishonest way to make sure the coworker helps you- tell the coworker that one of your tests came back positive and so you just want to make sure she knows to test for it too.
Posted by pH (Member # 1350) on :
See, that would be crossing the line for me. I feel like then it would be vengeful. I dunno why.
-pH
Posted by scholar (Member # 9232) on :
I think it would become vengeful then because telling someone they have a disease and majorly freaking them out is mean. But the problem is, realistically, she could have a disease. And she doesn't know to be tested. And let's say she does have a disease, when they try diagnosing, they may discount STDS because she is supposedly in a committed monogomous relationship. In this day and age, the coworker should realize that and at the very least, pass on this message.
edit to add- I wouldn't actually tell her she had a disease, but I would try to get the coworker to understand why it matters. I personally know women who don't get pap smears because they are married and have no family history. I don't think telling her is vengeance. I think it is looking out for her health.
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