Hatrack River Forum: What's wrong with *you*?

This is topic What's wrong with *you*? in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.

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Posted by Noemon (Member # 1115) on :

Find out here! Turns out I'm suffering from Noemon's Syndrome.

quote:

Cause: genetically-modified celery

Symptoms: mild fatigue, facial hair, beeping

Cure: take a day off work

Posted by suminonA (Member # 8757) on :

Apparently, it’s not random, and not case sensitive. Meaning that “noemon” and “Noemon” give the same result.

That's all that I need to know. [Big Grin]

Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :

The Rabbit's Disorder.

Cause: eating spicy food

Symptoms: talking like a pirate, impaired vision, excess of money, glowing eyes

Cure: take two anti-depressants a day until it goes away

Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :

I'd rather have Noemon's Syndrome. [Razz]

quote:
Rivka's Disease.

Cause: spaceborne bacteria

Symptoms: mildly high blood-alcohol level, buzzing noises, steam whistling from ears, leaning at 45 degrees

Cure: eat more toast

Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :

pooka's syndrome:

Cause: caught in hospitals

Symptoms: squawking, hydrophobia, occasional lockjaw, food cravings

Cure: take four sprigs of belladonna every day for the rest of your life

Alternately, Tricia's Syndrome:

Cause: lack of spam

Symptoms: froglike eyes, sore throat, dry rot

Cure: drink lots of water

Posted by erosomniac (Member # 6834) on :

quote:
You'd better sit down. You are suffering from
erosomniacosis.

Cause: bad broccoli

Symptoms: mild feather growth, enlarged liver and spleen, face swelling, bladder pain

Cure: pass it on to someone else within seven days

Who wants a hug?

Posted by xnera (Member # 187) on :

quote:
Textbook example. You are suffering from
Xneraosis.

Cause: overconsumption of chocolate

Symptoms: gargling, facial paralysis, pale skin

Cure: Kryptonite

Well, the overconsumption of chocolate has definitely been true in the past, but I haven't been eating chocolate lately. Also a bit concerned that my disease is cured by Kryptonite. Where the heck can I find some? I suppose I'll start by checking eBay...

*does so*

Apparently my disease is cured by bike locks. Huh. How peculiar.

Posted by Puffy Treat (Member # 7210) on :

Good lord! You are suffering from
Puffy Treatosis.

Cause: psychological

Symptoms: necrosis, abdominal pain, occasional chest hair growth, anxiety

Cure: wake up and realise it was all just a dream

It's all in my head. [Frown]

Posted by Javert Hugo (Member # 3980) on :

quote:
Cause: cursed Japanese video

Symptoms: extreme euphoria, mild thirst for human blood, neck swelling

Cure: none

Oh dear.

Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :

No one else has a symptom anywhere near as good as mine. Aren't you all just looking at The Rabbit's disorder and planning a nice spicy dinner. Seriously who doesn't want an excess of money, glowing eyes, talking like a pirate (OK impaired vision isn't desirable but with a large enough excess of money I'm sure that could be fixed with lasik)?

Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :

Cause: a blow to the head

Symptoms: panic attacks, fear of the number thirteen, coughing up blood, blinking

Cure: attempt to repeat cause

Any volunteers to administer the cure?

Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :

Blayne Bradleyitis

Cause: falling over

Symptoms: slightly inability to pronounce letter 'c', vague hunger, arm pain, slow heartbeat

Cure: wake up and realise it was all just a dream

Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :

quote:
I'm afraid it's bad news. You are suffering from ketchupqueenitis.

Cause: too much sleep

Symptoms: temporary invisibility, mild chest pain, sudden flacidity

Cure: smoke five cigarettes and come back in the morning

What's got me laughing so hard is that my husband thinks I sleep too much, and I have all the symptoms! Don't think I'll go for the cure, though!

Posted by Artemisia Tridentata (Member # 8746) on :

And all this time, I just thought I was old and chubby! There's hope after all.

Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :

quote:
Cause: allergy to chicken

Symptoms: pacing, flacidity, nosebleeds

Cure: sleep

Maybe it is an avatar problem? And nothing important is flacid...

I could certaining use some sleep, though.

Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :

Tante Shvester's Syndrome

Cause: Staying up all night

Symptoms: wisdom, laughter, awesomeness

Cure: Rub with salt and spices and hang in the smokehouse.

Posted by suminonA (Member # 8757) on :

Silly me, I forgot to answer the thread question:

quote:
Good lord! You are suffering from
*you*itis.

Cause: just one of those things

Symptoms: breast pain, vague deafness, excessive paranoia, mildly chapped lips

Cure: infect someone else

Posted by Tammy (Member # 4119) on :

Bad luck! You are suffering from
Tammyitis.

Cause: bee sting

Symptoms: snoring, green skin, occasional lumps

Cure: electroshock therapy

I knew it!

Posted by suminonA (Member # 8757) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Tante Shvester:
Tante Shvester's Syndrome

Cause: Staying up all night

Symptoms: wisdom, laughter, awesomeness

Cure: Rub with salt and spices and hang in the smokehouse.

*Cough*

quote:
Bad luck! You are suffering from
Tante Shvester's Syndrome.

Cause: the wrong type of snow

Symptoms: mildly cockney accent, high blood-alcohol level, excessive deafness, inability to turn neck

Cure: drink four glasses of water a day until it goes away

This can be duplicated.

A.

Posted by baduffer (Member # 10469) on :

Baduffer's syndrome

Cause: allergy to chewing gum

Symptoms: dry rot, blisters, turning into a wolf

Cure: take seven placebo tablets every day before meals

Posted by Tammy (Member # 4119) on :

I put in you...and this is what I got....

Sounds like me to me as well.

Bad luck! You are suffering from
You's Disease.

Cause: psychological

Symptoms: slightly glow-in-the-dark spots, bowel infrequency, metallic spots, aphasia

Cure: exercise

Or rather ME...

Congratulations! You are suffering from
Me's Disease.

Cause: stress

Symptoms: frequent lack of reflection in mirrors, hallucinations, low blood pressure

Cure: eat more civet cats

Posted by Jon Boy (Member # 4284) on :

Jon Boy's Disease

Cause: old library books

Symptoms: double-jointedness, sleepwalking, aversion to bright light

Cure: psychiatry

Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :

quote:
Originally posted by ketchupqueen:
What's got me laughing so hard is that my husband thinks I sleep too much, and I have all the symptoms!

Do tell us us about this invisibility problem!

Posted by Uprooted (Member # 8353) on :

Goodness!

quote:
I'm afraid it's bad news. You are suffering from
Uprooted's Disorder.
Cause: mosquito bite

Symptoms: vomiting, extreme nightmares, slightly pointy ears

Cure: fire

Posted by Enigmatic (Member # 7785) on :

quote:
Enigmatic's Disease.
Cause: the wrong type of snow

Symptoms: slightly excess of money, tooth lengthening, glowing eyes, high blood-alcohol level

Cure: take three anti-depressants every day before meals

I think I'll stick with the symptoms, thanks.

--Enigmatic

Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :

You'd better sit down. You are suffering from
Scrivener's Disease.

Cause: zombie attack
Symptoms: sparks, pustules, skin lesions, rashes
Cure: take four ibuprofen a day until it goes away

a ZOMBIE attack!?!?!

Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :

It's just as I feared. You are suffering from
Kwea's Syndrome.

Cause: sexually transmitted

Symptoms: French accent, clicking sounds, being able to fire webs from wrists

Cure: take one and a half paracetamol with meals

Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Uprooted:

quote:
Originally posted by ketchupqueen:
What's got me laughing so hard is that my husband thinks I sleep too much, and I have all the symptoms!
Do tell us us about this invisibility problem!

I stand right in front of my daughter telling her to clean up the messes she made, and she looks right through me!

Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :

Synesthesia's Disease.
Cause: self-abuse

Symptoms: slightly dry mouth, glowing eyes, tongue retraction, occasional incontinence

Cure: take two aspirin a day until it goes away

Posted by ClaudiaTherese (Member # 923) on :

quote:
You'd better sit down. You are suffering from ClaudiaThereseosis.

Cause: excessive Internet usage

Symptoms: talking like a pirate, darkening of urine, beeping

Cure: acupuncture

It's like I am the unholy love child of Noemon and The Rabbit, but with extra-dark urine.

Cool.

Posted by Icarus (Member # 3162) on :

Damn, they nailed it:

quote:
Good lord! You are suffering from
Icarus' Lurgy.

Cause: overwork

Symptoms: regurgitation, stigmata, vague muscle spasms

Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait

Posted by Nighthawk (Member # 4176) on :

quote:
Congratulations! You are suffering from
Nighthawk's Syndrome.
Cause: secret military experiments

Symptoms: wrist pain, sudden tentacle growth, vague chills

Cure: take four placebo tablets every day before meals

"...sudden tentacle growth..."

Woohoo! Japan, HERE I COME! [Smile]

Posted by ElJay (Member # 6358) on :

quote:

You'd better sit down. You are suffering from
ElJayosis.

Cause: bee sting

Symptoms: leg swelling, breast pain, glowing in the dark, vague deafness

Cure: click heels together three times

Posted by C3PO the Dragon Slayer (Member # 10416) on :

This is such a joke.

Posted by calaban (Member # 2516) on :

Here's a few that have been plauging me.

Obama's Lurgy.
Cause: too much sleep

Symptoms: depression, humming, fear

Cure: paint a black cross on your front door and wait

Clintonosis.
Cause: lack of alcohol

Symptoms: frequent Hitler moustache, skin whitening, loss of libido

Cure: eat more sausages

Huckabeeosis.
Cause: poor hygiene

Symptoms: cannibalism, bleeding gums, slightly black hair, food cravings

Cure: wake up and realise it was all just a dream

Romney's Lurgy.
Cause: allergy to fish

Symptoms: extremely collapsed lungs, finger pain, humming, leg swelling

Cure: take one and a half sprigs of belladonna with meals

Thompson's Syndrome.
Cause: caught in hospitals

Symptoms: drooping eyelids, hand tremors, snoring

Cure: none

McCain's Disorder.
Cause: allergy to bread

Symptoms: feather growth, sneezing, extreme tufts of hair

Cure: take three placebo tablets with meals

Edwardsitis.
Cause: zombie attack

Symptoms: buzzing noises, frequent terror, sudden fear of drowning

Cure: eat more chewing gum

Paul's Syndrome.
Cause: sporting injury

Symptoms: fingernail lengthening, hair tangling, neck shortening

Cure: drink four pints of beer with meals

Cardosis
Cause: poor hygiene

Symptoms: belching, frequent depression, excessive insomnia, frequent headaches

Cure: trepanning

Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :

I like mine.

quote:

Javertitis.

Cause: eating spicy food

Symptoms: yellow skin, excessive glimpses of underlying reality, red eye

Cure: wake up and realise it was all just a dream

Posted by SoaPiNuReYe (Member # 9144) on :

quote:
Cause: zombie attack

Symptoms: hissing, mildly enlarged liver and spleen, being able to fire webs from wrists, hair loss

Cure: acupuncture

Move over Peter Parker.

Posted by Tammy (Member # 4119) on :

It's interesting how you can treat a zombie attack with either acupuncture or by taking four ibuprofen a day until symptoms go away.

Posted by Goody Scrivener (Member # 6742) on :

That's just till the symptoms go away, not the zombies LOL

Posted by Eduardo St. Elmo (Member # 9566) on :

Estelmo's Disease

Cause: dancing

Symptoms: urine retention, occasional American accent, anger, leaning at 45 degrees.

Cure: acupuncture

but, but... I NEVER dance... I just move jerkily in my room every now and then while the radio is on... Now I see my lack of physical coordination must be caused by a permanently overloaded bladder and the full body tilt I seem to have overlooked until now. [Big Grin]

Posted by Dead_Horse (Member # 3027) on :

Dead_Horseosis.
Cause: excessive Internet usage

Symptoms: deafness, pointy ears, guilt, howling at the moon

Cure: acupuncture

I'm doomed.

Posted by String (Member # 6435) on :

String's Disease.

Cause: viral

Symptoms: frequent narcolepsy, extreme suicidal thoughts, frequent water retention, frequent puncture wounds

Cure: take four potions of extra healing before going to bed

Posted by Flaming Toad on a Stick (Member # 9302) on :

Oh dear...

quote:
I'm afraid it's bad news. You are suffering from
Flaming Toad on a Stick's Lurgy.

Cause: unknown

Symptoms: colour blindness, occasional dementia, cranial bloating

Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up

Posted by Tammy (Member # 4119) on :

quote:
Originally posted by Flaming Toad on a Stick:
Oh dear...

quote:
I'm afraid it's bad news. You are suffering from
Flaming Toad on a Stick's Lurgy.

Cause: unknown

Symptoms: colour blindness, occasional dementia, cranial bloating

Cure: cryogenic freezing until science catches up

Ew...that cures a toughy. Are you going to comply?

Posted by Rakeesh (Member # 2001) on :

Rakeesh's Disorder.
Cause: just one of those things

Symptoms: memory loss, vomiting blood, inability to pronounce letter 'c'

Cure: infect someone else

-----------

Woo-hoo! Finally, a legitimate medical justification for all that spreading pain and suffering I've been wanting to do!

Posted by Rake (Member # 9195) on :

Textbook example. You are suffering from
Rakeosis.
Cause: hot weather

Symptoms: mild thirst for human blood, glowing, high blood pressure, thirst for human blood

Cure: pass it on to someone else within seven days

But.. there is snow outside!