Someone in my graduating class died last night. He was playing the choking game. He passed out before he undid the belt and his mom found him later. they rushed him to the hospital where they said if he made it he'd be brain dead. that was Thursday around midnight, I believe. He died the next night. He wasn't a close friend to me, but we still considered each other friends.
This is the first time anyone that we've known, like our age has died. it's so.. surreal. Like, this is the proof that we're not untouchable, we're not guaranteed a spot in life.
It seems so wrong because he was so young. Just 16. He was so close to getting out. To going on to college and just.. living, I guess.
How do you deal with something like this? What's... like, the healthy thing to do?
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
I'm sorry.
I had a friend (who I had known since Brownies) die when I was in 8th grade. She had cystic fibrosis; she died from a secondary infection that was a complication of the pneumonia that was a complication of the CF. She had been sick on and off for, well, all her life, I guess, but the infection struck suddenly and none of us really had warning; she was dead in the space of 3 days. She had been in the hospital with pneumonia before and recovered just fine, so it was unexpected.
Has your school provided grief counselors? I know that really helped me. We were encouraged to talk about it, and just talking about it helped. We also were encouraged to draw pictures, write, whatever our creative outlet was. I wrote and wrote and wrote, and it did help me understand and express my feelings. Do you have a creative outlet? If so, spending some time doing that may help; someone you know, someone your age, dying young brings up really intense emotions, I think it was harder for me than older family members who had been ill when they passed. You need to let yourself feel them.
I'm sorry for the pain his family and your whole community must be going through. It is always hard when someone young dies, especially when it is unexpected.
I hope you are able to work thorugh this, and remember we're always happy to listen here at Hatrack.
Don't expect it to go away. This is something that will probably stay with you all your life, that will shape how you view and deal with death if you don't let it heal (and maybe even if you do.) But that's okay. This is how we grow. Again, let yourself feel what you feel, don't be ashamed of it.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
That's horrible. I'm so sorry. I've never heard of the choking game, but I just had it explained to me (roommates looking over my shoulder), and I can't believe that someone's life ended for something that trivial. That's really and truly awful.
My cousin died about three and a half years ago, aged 14. So I can relate to the pain and the feeling of "what... what just happened??" and I can tell you that while it never goes away, it does get easier. I promise. And my cousin was someone I was very close to. My family, my friends, and Hatrack helped me through it a lot, and I just learned to accept it. I'm really sorry you have to go through this though. My thoughts are with you.
(((Endless Orion)))
Posted by Tara (Member # 10030) on :
A couple months ago a 16-year-old boy at my school died in a house fire, and his 11-year-old sister also died. I didn't know them personally, but I knew their older sisters, and I go to a small school, so the news effected everybody. It's been almost two and a half months now, and I still think of them nearly every day. Every now and then, the reality of it hits me like it never had before, and then it hits me over and over, and each time it feels like I never truly understood it before. I'm sure this is something that will effect me for my whole life. There's no way you can explain or rationalize when children die, so I suppose the best thing to do is not to try. But I really don't know what to say.
Posted by Launchywiggin (Member # 9116) on :
I did that a few times in high school. Never did it alone, though, always with other guys. It definitely gets you high, and it was definitely stupid in hindsight.
I hope you get through this okay. I had a friend overdose my freshmen year and it was tough.
Posted by adfectio (Member # 11070) on :
Mine was the only high school class in about 15 years to go without someone dying. We had a few close calls in my class, but the classes around mine had people pass away. So I was still familiar with death. It's never fun, and more often than not over incredibly trivial things.
I know there aren't many words that can make things better, and there are none that can actually make some of the pain and shock go away, but don't forget that you're not alone.
Hopefully this will have an overall positive outcome. Maybe people will realize how pointless the choking game is. Or at least that there should be others around you. Hopefully your community will take a positive lesson from this and that way he won't have died in vain.
Prayers and (((Endless Orion)))
Posted by Endless Orion (Member # 11017) on :
Yeah, the school's calling in grief councilors and all that stuff. I have done a little writing, but for the most part, everyone has just been talking about him. He was one of those fun natured people, so pleasant memories of him are in great supply. There's a candle lighting for him tonight. I'm gonna go.
Posted by Nighthawk (Member # 4176) on :
Sorry, but... "choking game"?!?
I had to look it up... I couldn't believe this is for real, much less that "...11% of youths aged 12-18 years and 19% of youths aged 17-18 reported ever having practiced it."
I can't begin to comprehend why people do things like this.
Posted by steven (Member # 8099) on :
"I can't begin to comprehend why people do things like this."
poor parenting?
Posted by Launchywiggin (Member # 9116) on :
Can't begin to comprehend? It gets you high--extremely high if you get close to blacking out but don't. It's cheaper than nitrous and much cheaper than marijuana--and it's not "illegal", so you can't get in trouble if you're caught doing it. It's not just easy to comprehend, it's obvious.
Posted by Blayne Bradley (Member # 8565) on :
I got 2$ once for letting someone put me in a chokehold.
Posted by porcelain girl (Member # 1080) on :
Oh dear. I am sorry. Just earlier this week an article popped up on a news site about the choking game, and how many youths had died from it. So dangerous. My brother and his friends used to make each other pass out (pressing on chest, not choking) in order to get out of school. Also, not smart.
We had several students die, especially seniors, at my high school every year. Very sad. I hope you and your community finds some solace. I also hope children will realize what a dangerous and stupid game it is to play.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote:Originally posted by Launchywiggin: Can't begin to comprehend? It gets you high--extremely high if you get close to blacking out but don't. It's cheaper than nitrous and much cheaper than marijuana--and it's not "illegal", so you can't get in trouble if you're caught doing it. It's not just easy to comprehend, it's obvious.
Except for the fact that it can KILL YOU. As for not getting into trouble, I'm betting many teens' parents would debate that. (Which goes back to it killing you, only this time at the hands of your parents. )
I realize many teens think they are invulnerable, but they are NOT. This is not trivial, and it is extremely stupid.
I agree with Nighthawk.
Posted by TomDavidson (Member # 124) on :
quote:I got 2$ once for letting someone put me in a chokehold.
I can imagine that this could be potentially lucrative for you.
Posted by romanylass (Member # 6306) on :
I am so sorry. What a tragic and trivial way to die.
Posted by cassv746 (Member # 11173) on :
In my experience you just deal with it and move on, it may not be the best advice but that's how I got through it. I had one kid die in my class my freshman year. NO ONE in my class let this go, and still to this day 4 years later they still make a huge deal about the anniversary of his death. It happened on a valentines day so I guess I can understand. The school even brought in outside grief counselors the week after. Class wasn't normal for days.
However, the one that really sticks with me to this day is the man who died days before graduation. Graduation was June 2nd last year and Josh had died May 23rd. He had gotten in a motorcycle accident. Yes, he was wearing his helmet, not drinking or under the influence of anything, he just didn't make it. With it being that close to graduation it really hit me. He was RIGHT there life was just beginning. He was ready for a career in the Army, he had already gone through some training and was looking forward to serving his country. It's not fair he was taken but it's life.
I still remember him, I always will. But in my experience you let it go to the best of your ability and use it as a wake up call where needed. Because, contrary to popular belief teenagers aren't invincible.
(((Endless Orion)))
Posted by ReikoDemosthenes (Member # 6218) on :
You have my deepest, empathetic sympathies. I knew a fellow who died that way, playing blackout, as they called it, using the linen dispensers. He was in grade 5 or 6 at the time. All you can really do is just keep walking, is what I've found with people I've known in school who've died. You have my prayers and empathy...
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
I did it once in high school, I guess what I found interesting about it was that I had seen a friend do it and I had no idea what it was like to pass out.
Unfortunately, I was sitting on a bench and my friends thought I was faking it and shoved me sideways and I fell off the bench. A sharp rock on the ground cut my face not half a centimeter from my eye.
Pretty much decided then and there I was done with that experience.
For most teenagers I don't think it ever enters their minds that they might die, I certainly would have been very surprised and extremely angry if I had lost the sight of one of my eyes doing that.
Posted by Launchywiggin (Member # 9116) on :
quote:I realize many teens think they are invulnerable, but they are NOT. This is not trivial, and it is extremely stupid.
I agree with Nighthawk.
For the record, I never said it was trivial, and I agree that it's extremely stupid.
The reason I argued with Nighthawk's claim (about not comprehending why kids would do this) in the first place--was that I think it's important to acknowledge and realize why so many kids do try it. Not being able to comprehend why they would is a mistake, in my opinion.
Posted by Tammy (Member # 4119) on :
I don't understand the attraction of the choking game. I completely don't get it.
Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
It's normal at that age to have the first wisps of death: a grandparent passes away, or a teacher. But for someone you know - that's an odor at too young an age.
Best of luck. I highly suggest talking to a counselor, but realize that with time this will pass. Like any wound, how you deal with it during the healing will determine how much scarring there is.
Posted by Launchywiggin (Member # 9116) on :
quote:I don't understand the attraction of the choking game. I completely don't get it.
Do you understand why people experiment with drugs? Sniff glue? Drink on weekends? Drive fast? Jump out of airplanes with parachutes on? They're not doing it for the purpose of choking themselves, they're doing it because it gets you HIGH--and also because of peer pressure and experimentation. Instead of communicating our disgust and inability to understand it, maybe we should look into what we can do to communicate how much more dangerous it is than your regular experimentation.
Like I said, I did it probably 9-10 times in high school because it DIDN'T seem particularly dangerous. I stopped because it was more socially acceptable to smoke weed.
Posted by Tammy (Member # 4119) on :
I understand what your saying Launchywiggin, to a certain extent.
I understand the drinking, driving fast and jumping out of airplanes. Those are your good old fashion highs that have certainly been taken to great extremes and abused. They can however, be enjoyed safely, in moderation. The driving fast of course should be in a controlled environment, a race-track for example.
What I don't understand is the extent that some go to, to achieve certain highs. The glue sniffing, paint huffing and choking games, I do not understand. These things are certainly more dangerous than the above. I’m very saddened that people are backed into the act of trying these due to peer pressure or feel like they’ve reached and surpassed every potential safe high available to them, so they delve yet deeper into the insanity.
I agree that the discussion should be what can be done to communicate how dangerous this is.
I'm not trying to communicate any disgust.
Posted by Tara (Member # 10030) on :
Have you ever smelled glue?
Posted by Fusiachi (Member # 7376) on :
quote:Originally posted by Tammy: I agree that the discussion should be what can be done to communicate how dangerous this is.
That should be a fairly straightforward ad campaign.
"Surgeon General's warning: Choking oneself may lead to asphyxiation and death."
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
"Yeah, but I know lots of people who have done it and never died!"
Posted by Fusiachi (Member # 7376) on :
quote:Originally posted by ketchupqueen: "Yeah, but I know lots of people who have done it and never died!"
That's a shame.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
It's the same kind of reasoning you hear about everything else.
Especially from teenagers and other very young people.
Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
My condolences, EO. My experience is that the initial shock of these things passes, but the point at which they become "real" is harder to deal with.
I hope the vigil brings you some peace.
Posted by Fusiachi (Member # 7376) on :
quote:Originally posted by ketchupqueen: It's the same kind of reasoning you hear about everything else.
Especially from teenagers and other very young people.
Oh, for sure.
I'll leave it ambiguous as to which part I think is a shame.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Now, don't you think that's just a bit cruel?
Though I will admit that I have occasionally wanted to strangle people who let their two-year-olds ride in expired low-back boosters because "he only rides in it twice a week anyway."
Posted by Fusiachi (Member # 7376) on :
Cruel? Oh, maybe a little.
Edit:
and in retrospect, certainly lacking in tact. Condolences to the original poster (and to those who have lost someone in similar circumstances). I didn't mean to trivialize your loss.
It just seems like a ridiculous way to go. I guess a Darwin Award makes for poor consolation.
Posted by Bob_Scopatz (Member # 1227) on :
In my schooldays we lost people the old-fashioned way. Doing stupid things in motor vehicles.
If I recall correctly, there are likely to be a lot of very stupid things said by your peers over the next few days/weeks. The thing to remember is that many people lack the maturity and empathy at that age to really see the tragic aspects of something like this -- regardless of fault/blame, etc.
I don't really know about lasting effects of things like this, to be honest. I think most people move on relatively quickly and forget -- or basically don't think about it for years and years at a time and it becomes a fading memory.
Posted by Tara (Member # 10030) on :
quote:Originally posted by Bob_Scopatz:
If I recall correctly, there are likely to be a lot of very stupid things said by your peers over the next few days/weeks. The thing to remember is that many people lack the maturity and empathy at that age to really see the tragic aspects of something like this -- regardless of fault/blame, etc.
I'm not sure you have the right to judge his peers that way.
Posted by Paul Goldner (Member # 1910) on :
And yet, the statement is absolutely correct....
Posted by Tara (Member # 10030) on :
How do you know that?
Posted by Paul Goldner (Member # 1910) on :
Because we're dealing with teenagers.
Teens often say stupid things, and for exactly the reason bob says... many teens lack enough maturity and empathy enough to see the situation as a mature adult would.
Its not a comment on the quality of the people involved. Its a comment on the aging process, and the fact that, by and large, teens aren't equipped to handle tragedy.
Posted by adfectio (Member # 11070) on :
quote:Originally posted by Tara: I'm not sure you have the right to judge his peers that way.
I'm not sure he's commenting specifically on EO's peers. More like society as a whole. While it is possible his peers are all mature enough to handle what is most assuredly a terrible thing, if his class mates are anything like those that are in the average school, this is not likely.
correct me if I'm wrong, but that seems true to me.
Posted by ketchupqueen (Member # 6877) on :
Yes, I can't think of a tragedy I experienced as a teenager where someone did NOT say something stupid, inappropriate, and hurtful to me, whether it was ill-intentioned or not.
Come to think of it, I've heard some stupid things after tragedies I experienced well after I was a teen, too.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
quote:Originally posted by Launchywiggin: I did that a few times in high school. Never did it alone, though, always with other guys. It definitely gets you high, and it was definitely stupid in hindsight.
I hope you get through this okay. I had a friend overdose my freshmen year and it was tough.
I think what he was probably doing was an... "alone" type activity? That's the impression I have, and I have heard that it happens fairly often.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
quote:Originally posted by Launchywiggin:
Like I said, I did it probably 9-10 times in high school because it DIDN'T seem particularly dangerous. I stopped because it was more socially acceptable to smoke weed.
You have WEED? And you held out on me?
Posted by Starsnuffer (Member # 8116) on :
The first person around my age I heard of dieing was a fried of a friend of a friend, but it still affected me. Subsequently I've heard of other friends of friends dieing, the father of a kid at my school crashed, killing two middle school aged kids and their mother, lots of people knew them, someone I went to middle school with passed out after playing soccer, hit his head and died. And last night I had my own scare: driving home on the highway, only like 40 mph on what appeared to be a perfectly fine road everyone was bunched up into one lane so I thought I'd go around them at like 50, 60, but the second I tried to pull out my car fishtailed and did a 360. I was fine, nobody around me crashed into me or anyone else, but while facing backward briefly I was thinking "I really hope those headlights are slowing down" and luckily they were already going really slow by that time. (the closest car behind me had been quite far).
So. Yeah. I just try to remember to be safe, and savor the time I have. (And drive slow!! even when it seems totally fine)
Posted by Alcon (Member # 6645) on :
quote:Teens often say stupid things, and for exactly the reason bob says... many teens lack enough maturity and empathy enough to see the situation as a mature adult would.
Funny thing. As a recently turned adult, one of the shocks of entering the adult world has been that far too many adults aren't really that much more empathetic or mature than teens on the whole. They think they are, but they really aren't, which almost makes it worse. Guess a lot of people never grow up... or really take their time anyway.
Edit to add: I had a friend die here at Skidmore my freshman year. He was a junior who I had several classes with and played frisbee with a lot. I'd only known him a few months, but I was starting to see him as a mentor type since he was exactly the sorta crazy, half-hippie engineering type I kinda wanted to be back then. He got hit by a car going 90 mph on his 21st birthday. It was an off-duty cop. He died a few hours later. He'd been on the way to a bar for his first legal drink.
Even though I didn't know him that well, I still catch myself thinking about him sometimes and wondering what life would be like if he'd survived. How it would have been different. I can only imagine how much harder it is for someone you know well. You have my condolences, good thoughts, and good vibes.
Posted by Tammy (Member # 4119) on :
In my haste to post my thoughts, I completely failed to be empathetic. For that, I apologize.
You have my sympathy EO, in the loss of your friend.
I know that talking about the loss, which you’re doing, helps greatly.
(((((Endless Orion))))))
Posted by Endless Orion (Member # 11017) on :
Alright, so to update things: School has calmed down. Yesterday was horrible. the halls were completely quiet. His locker was decorated and people were signing little things to him, so there was a constant mob in the hall his locker was on. We had an in-school memorial, and some of his inner-circle friends told stories about him, and there was much laughing and crying. 7th period was horrible. The boy that died was without a doubt, and unquestionably, the teachers favorite student. His seat was there, and it was just empty. For some reason seeing that empty desk made me cry more than anything else had that day...
But today was better, each class we ended up breaking down into little groups and just kind of talked about him, or life.
We keep coming back to the whys of the situation. It's a lose-lose situation, but I guess its natural.
At least I'm slowly settling back into a normal rate. Eventually, I'll get by this, and be the better for it, I know.
Posted by Xann. (Member # 11482) on :
Overall i think (being a teenager myself) think that it is not the lack of thought, but the thought that "well that wouldnt happen to me"
I personally longboard everywhere i go, i go downhill up to twenty miles an hour, on busy streets. The owner of the longboard shop recently fell and was in a coma for months, but i'm still longboarding around all the same.
Posted by adfectio (Member # 11070) on :
That's good to hear, EO. I'm really happy that things are improving, no matter how slow. Don't rush it, and don't let other people rush you, either. You'll deal with it in your own time, and that's perfectly fine. Classes will slowly get better, and things will return to *almost* normal."
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