Things I was mad about ten years ago don't even register. I can't even summon up mild irritation.
Things I was happy about ten years ago are vague, muted, seem far away and insubstantial. I wonder if I ever really felt joy about such things at all.
Things I was ashamed of, though? I merely have to think about the feeling for all the humiliation, embarassment, and self castigation to flood back and overpower my emotions.
Why is that the emotion that remains vivid? Is it just me?
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
Very interesting question.
For me, remembering things that hurt me (emotionally not physically) tends to bring back very powerful emotions.
When I remember things that made be happy, I can remember the happiness but the happiness I feel at the memory is only a pale shadow of what I felt at the time.
I wonder why its so much easier for me to trigger the negative emotions with memory than the more positive ones.
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
I just had a thought. Perhaps there is a survival advantage involved in being able to vividly recall bad emotions.
When something causes strong negative emotions, its something we try hard to avoid in the future. Feeling those emotions when we remember the events reinforces our resolve to avoid similar situations.
In the converse however, if we were able elicit strong feelings of joy and contentment solely by remembering previous events -- we'd have little incentive to try to repeat them. We might even spend all our time lost in the memory of a past events.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
We don't remember anger or pain as much I think out of self-preservation. Things fade over time, and we might remember that they happened, but overall we'll forget how it ACTUALLY felt, but rather remember that we felt a certain way so as not to relive that pain or anger constantly, so we can live our lives.
On the other hand, humiliation, embarassment, etc, are all feelings we don't care to repeat, but can often be caused by our own actions. So we remember them more vividly I think so we won't do whatever it is that caused them in the first place, also an act of self-preservation.
Posted by C3PO the Dragon Slayer (Member # 10416) on :
Shame is the teacher that prevents second mistakes. Happiness is not a reward for making no mistakes, but a temptation to continue to do so.
If you didn't feel embarrassed about that thing twenty years ago, you could do it again and again, and, biologically speaking, making the same mistake over and over is bound to get on the ugly side of natural selection.
It works the other way for happiness. If you felt constant pleasure for something you did twenty years ago, you would feel too content to go after more. While it's pretty darn fine to be content if you are leading a lifestyle of stability in meeting one's own needs, our ancestors didn't evolve in an environment that offered basic needs and security with the same ease the average moderner gets.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
There are a variety of programs, self-help, group, and quasi-religious, that involve processing negative emotions. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, 12 step work, and Scientology all involve aspects of it (which is why scientology has such power over people - it does bring some benefit).
Mostly, I think honestly accepting the memory and truly loving the person you were and dealing with it voluntarily, rather than always shoving it aside until it hijacks you at a random, and often weak, moment.
One self help book that I think dealt with this was Goleman's Emotional Intelligence. I didn't finish reading it, so I'm not positive, but when I wrote "hijack" I remembered it.
It takes a lot of energy to dodge unpleasant emotions, and it made me chronically tired and depressed back when I was doing it more. I still have stuff to work on, but I let go of much of it a few years back.
Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
quote:Originally posted by The Rabbit: I just had a thought. Perhaps there is a survival advantage involved in being able to vividly recall bad emotions.
When something causes strong negative emotions, its something we try hard to avoid in the future. Feeling those emotions when we remember the events reinforces our resolve to avoid similar situations.
In the converse however, if we were able elicit strong feelings of joy and contentment solely by remembering previous events -- we'd have little incentive to try to repeat them. We might even spend all our time lost in the memory of a past events.
There was a time in my life when the opposite was true- much to my frustration. Basically, remembering the good in a previous long-term relationship when the one I was in was turbulent.
My frustration was the sensible, logical part of my brain saying, "Excuse me? With a gram of introspection, you'll remember perfectly well how utterly miserable you were when that relationship was on the rocks. You might even remember that it was far worse than your situation now.
Holding on to anger and hatred is poisonous, of course... But I can't help but wonder if even remembering (at least emotionally) only the good can't have its pitfalls, too.
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
quote:There was a time in my life when the opposite was true- much to my frustration. Basically, remembering the good in a previous long-term relationship when the one I was in was turbulent.
I think you missed the point. The problem isn't that we don't remember having good feelings, its that remember the situations that led to those feeling does not strongly evoke those same emotions. In contrast, remembering situations that made be angry, hurt or embarrassed does strongly evoke those same emotions.
Posted by Qaz (Member # 10298) on :
This isn't science, but I still think it's right, based partly on personal experience.
Emotions stay potent if they are not resolved. There's nothing to resolve about joy, so it can come and go freely. But even if no longer in danger or being offended against, I have felt fear and anger from childhood situations, when I couldn't accept, forgive, believe I was strong enough, or whatever it took for the story to no longer grip me. Psychodrama is one way to resolve stories like this.
Another thing about emotions IMJ is that they come back if they are resisted. Resist sadness, and it builds up. Few of us would resist joy!
I think shame is also more potent partly because it's also a little less basic; it covers anger or fear or sadness, so it's got a double impact.
Also, shame provides its own catch-22: the best way to resolve it is talk openly about the thing I'm ashamed of until it's no longer of interest, but of course if I'm ashamed the *last* thing I want to do is tell anyone!
So I think the best thing to do with shame is talk about the thing that's felt to be shaming, until done with it. (But probably not on Internet.)
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
I don't know that it's the case that "bad" emotions have more force than good ones.
I know people who are high on life all the time, and they sort of lack motivation.
Posted by The Pixiest (Member # 1863) on :
I can still feel humiliated, embarassed or ashamed of stuff I did when I was 6. That's a long time ago for someone of my advanced age.
The problem with this, aside from the pointlessness of laying awake at night worrying about something that happened in front of someone who is dead, is that it contributes to my reclusiveness. As Lyr was saying, Shame encourages us not to do something again. Since being around people leads to embarassment, it's best just to stay away from them.
Of course, that's not the only reason I hate being around people. Not by a long way. But it's a pretty good one.
Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
quote:Originally posted by The Rabbit: I think you missed the point. The problem isn't that we don't remember having good feelings, its that remember the situations that led to those feeling does not strongly evoke those same emotions. In contrast, remembering situations that made be angry, hurt or embarrassed does strongly evoke those same emotions.
But sometimes we can evoke good emotional feelings through memory, even when evoking those emotions might be to our detriment- leading to a sense of nostalgia that inaccurately causes us to gauge our present circumstances.
I think either response- memories re-creating feelings of anger, embarassment, loss, or conversely feelings of contentment, love, and joy- can have its benefits and its pitfalls. If the feeling causes us to avoid similar situations that might hurt us, that's to the good; if it raises stress reactions where its inappropriate, or makes us unable to try things again, that's probably not a good thing.
Likewise, if we "re-feel" good times, that might help us get through bad ones- or it might cause us to think our present circumstances worse than they are, and to live in the past.
I don't think I'm missing something; I just don't think the recreation of feeling based on memory is limited to embarassment, fear, and anger.
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
quote:But sometimes we can evoke good emotional feelings through memory, even when evoking those emotions might be to our detriment- leading to a sense of nostalgia that inaccurately causes us to gauge our present circumstances.
In my experience, the good feelings I get through remembering a joyful occasion just aren't that similar to the joy I felt at the time. They may be pleasant, but they are never powerful. Memories just don't evoke the deep feelings of the original experience.
Nostalgia is almost the opposite of that. Rather than remembering a joyful event and feeling as happy as we did in the original moment, we remember the joyful event and depressed because that moment has passed.
For me at least, remembering events that made me angry or ashamed or embarrassed is entirely different. I don't just remember how I felt then in comparison to how I feel now, the memory makes me feel like I felt then.
Posted by Mike (Member # 55) on :
It's definitely also been my experience that of the emotions evoked by memories, embarrassment is one of the strongest. On the other hand, I think I've experienced a sort of a shift in the last two or three years: I am far less easily embarrassed. (For reference, I am 27 now.) In the same time period I've also become generally more sociable. I'm not sure whether there's any causality here, or in which direction, but it is curious to note.
Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
quote:Originally posted by The Rabbit: For me at least, remembering events that made me angry or ashamed or embarrassed is entirely different. I don't just remember how I felt then in comparison to how I feel now, the memory makes me feel like I felt then.
Perhaps I'm the strange one, then; remembering my elation upon screwing up the courage to tell my first serious girlfriend that I loved her and having her return the sentiment is almost as strong as the sadness at remembering when my father and I finally broke down after my mother's death.