I just went from reading headlines at "The Onion" to reading headlines in "The New York Times". The switch triggered some strange reactions in my brain.
Consider these headlines from today's times
quote:Crisis Spreads to Tech Sector as Sun to Cut Work Force.
What? The US economic crisis is now big enough to effect the sun?
quote:Wall Street Fades in Late Trading"
Is it just the paint or is the whole street actually fading out of existence?
quote:Billboard Going Green on the Great White Way
Mold perhaps? Have they considered an anti-fungal paint?
quote:Challenge for Jets Is Psychological
Auto-pilots have gone way to far if jets are now having psychological problems. There is no way I'm boarding a plan that is suffering from bipolar disorder or paranoid schizophrenia . What if it suddenly decides in mid-flight that it no longer wants to live, or believes that airtraffic control is trying to take its core with mind control waves?
So what other headlines have you seen recently that are easy to misconstrue?
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
I'll do the Post:
quote:Freddie Seeks Federal Aid After $25.3B Loss
Flossie, Nan, and Bert didn't squander their trust funds, so they don't need help.
quote:Metro Settles With Belgian Bank
The couple confirmed rumors that Metro is expecting twins in January.
quote:Pr. George's Schools Meet Target
The department store amazed everyone by remembering all 17,000 students' names.
quote:Chief Executive of Amtrak to Step Down
The CEO set a world record in flagpole sitting two weeks ago but continued to sit atop his perch until 10 AM this morning.
Posted by scifibum (Member # 7625) on :
Google news:
quote:Sun to shed 6000 employees to save $800 million
Won't it be hard to work crammed into sheds?
quote:Boehner to Face Leadership Challenge
quote:Dunwoody becomes first female four-star general
OK, that's just an unfortunate juxtaposition of headlines.
quote:Hillary Clinton mum on political future
She's still proud of little Hil, but doesn't want to get her hopes up again.
quote:Signs of Insecurity in Burma Crackdown
include averted gaze, nervous shuffling, and speaking very quietly.
quote:Brad's beef is with Jen
1. However, he got to keep the chicken. 2. Now that's emasculation! 3. Brad's vegetables' whereabouts unknown.
quote:Palin Urges GOP Governors to Keep Dems Honest
Gee Wally, don't they want to go home?
quote:Big Wins at this years CMAs
No longer notorious, though.
quote:Microsoft lowered "Vista Capable" bar for Intel
, and again declined to comment on the term "Vista-capped"
quote:Space Station residents to drink recycled urine
Nope, that one is pretty clear.
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
quote:Microsoft lowered "Vista Capable" bar for Intel
It makes one wonder whether they were doing the high jump or Limbo?
Posted by scifibum (Member # 7625) on :
Or the move known as a "clothesline".
Posted by Darth_Mauve (Member # 4709) on :
quote: Space Station residents to drink recycled urine
Nope, that one is pretty clear.
I hope its clear, or the recycling isn't working as well as we planned.
Posted by scifibum (Member # 7625) on :
I lob em up, you swat em out of the park. Posted by Darth_Mauve (Member # 4709) on :
quote:Eurozone officially in recession
Eur-Ozone may be recession, but my ozone is on an increase.
Posted by advice for robots (Member # 2544) on :
quote:Minnesota Senate Rivals Dig In for Recount Battle
Only in Minnesota do politics come with potlucks.
quote:Bridge Collapse Is Laid to Design Flaw
A story of illicit sexual favors in the complex world of flaw design.
quote:Group Set to Sue Over Clean Water Act
Scotty, beam us down. Team, set group to Sue. Sue, start the metronome.
quote:Despite Profit, Wal-Mart Lowers Forecast
The numbers just aren't lining up with Nostradamus' Q4 predictions.
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
quote:Stocks Slide in Final Minutes After Seesaw Day.
Evidently they skipped the swings, the monkey bars and the merry-go-round.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
The bonds were hogging the swings, and the monkey bars is where all the CDSs smoke, so no one else hangs out there.
BTW, Rabbit, did you get my response to your email the other day? My accounts did something wonky on outlook and I'm not sure what actually got delivered.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
I'll do CNN the world edition:
quote:Pirates holding Chinese ship,crew.
It's portage on a whole new level.
quote:U.N. feeding Congolese who fled fighting.
Perhaps by feeding Congolese he will be emboldened to reenter the fray?
quote:Zimbabwe opposition issues Mugabe warning
If anyone issued me a Mugabe warning I'd take it very seriously.
quote:Five children killed in Indian milk scare
Indian milk is pretty terrifying.
quote:Drogba charged for throwing coin at crowd
Hey if you're throwing away money, of course people are going to come flocking.
quote:Murray ends Federer's Masters Cup title bid
Going once...going twice...Sold!- NO WAIT! I'm sorry Mr. Federer you spoke too late.
[ November 15, 2008, 12:33 AM: Message edited by: BlackBlade ]
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
quote:Originally posted by Dagonee: BTW, Rabbit, did you get my response to your email the other day? My accounts did something wonky on outlook and I'm not sure what actually got delivered.
Received! Thanks!
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
From Yahoo.
quote:Obama weighs Clinton, Richardson for secretary of state
Both of them failed to meet their weight loss target for this month. As the thinnest President in decades, Obama unveils plan to meet the America's growing Obesity epidemic that begins by establishing strict weight guidelines for his cabinet members. Obama's office issued the following statement on the weighing, "We are doing this to demonstrate our commitment to cutting the fat out of govornment."
quote:Oil prices fall on expected pullback in energy spending.
Pullback rushed to emergency room where it remains in critical condition.
quote:Sarkozy questions US missile shield plan
If plan refuses to answer, Sarkozy says he has not ruled out water boarding.
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
quote:Obama 'ponders Clinton top job'
Although he just won the US Presidential election, Obama is considering taking a top position at the Clinton foundation instead. While he agreed that being President of the US and most powerful person in the world was a highly prestigious position, he noted that the Job with the Clintons offered a higher salary and excellent benefit package.
Posted by Dagonee (Member # 5818) on :
Well done! I couldn't find any way to do that one that was only PG-13.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
In a potentially shocking move, Obama is thinking about moving the white house to the top of Wyoming's Mount Clinton.
Posted by Sterling (Member # 8096) on :
quote:From CNN: Study ID's effective irritable bowel therapies
Next step: making identification cards palatable to patients
quote:New York Times: World Leaders Vow Joint Push to Aid Economy
Cannabis advocates praise efforts
Posted by All4Nothing (Member # 11601) on :
Taken from Yahoo...
quote:President-elect Obama reaches out to former rivals
and pulls back a stump.
quote:India space agency celebrates planting flag on moon
With a little water they expect it to be full grown in 10 years.
quote:Unhappy people glue themselves to television, survey finds
Has spread to epidemic proportions due to happy people missing their favorite t.v. shows.
quote:23 missing as bridge collapses in Indian Kashmir
They are currently being sought for questioning.
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
quote:Unhappy people glue themselves to television, survey finds
Emergency rooms and 911 getting rushed by people who want to know how to remove the super glue without damaging their new plasma screeen.
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
quote:Will the Safety Net Catch Economy’s Casualties?
The New York fire department expresses concerns that their aging safety nets may not be adequate to meet the anticipated increase in bankers jumping from Wall Street windows.
Posted by scifibum (Member # 7625) on :
"Coleman vs. Franken: The Rematch"
The sequel to the relatively unknown "Diff'rent Strokes goes to Transylvania" TV movie special, subtitled "Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Igor?", hit video shelves today.
Posted by Tante Shvester (Member # 8202) on :
quote:Originally posted by The Rabbit: From Yahoo.
quote:Obama weighs Clinton, Richardson for secretary of state
Both of them failed to meet their weight loss target for this month. As the thinnest President in decades, Obama unveils plan to meet the America's growing Obesity epidemic that begins by establishing strict weight guidelines for his cabinet members. Obama's office issued the following statement on the weighing, "We are doing this to demonstrate our commitment to cutting the fat out of govornment."
Well done!
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
quote: Brazil Hopes to Find Tribes Using Heat-Seeking Cameras
Researchers recently made the startling discover that an uncontacted tribes in the Amazon, which were previously believed to be extremely primative, are using heat-seeking camera technology. Questions remain about how these previously uncontacted tribes obtained heat-seeking cameras and what other technologies these tribal peoples may have developed without contact to industrialized peoples. Concerns have arisen about how to protect these people from venture capitalists anxious to exploit this potential new source of innovation.
Posted by Corwin (Member # 5705) on :
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
quote:Critics question Obama staff picks
Obama is reported to have narrowed down the choices for his official presidential staff to the following three options.
option one (proven effectiveness in middle east negotiations) option two (Proven effective by powerful commander in chief) option three (Proven effectiveness against axis of evil).
Critics think all three options are suggestive of a Messiah complex and point toward more practical working options. Posted by vonk (Member # 9027) on :
quote:'Perfect storm' led to current economic crisis
I knew I hated that movie for a reason.
Posted by Tara (Member # 10030) on :
Posted by dabbler (Member # 6443) on :
Interestingly, these kinds of headlines are used in neurologic testing. I was taught to ask someone, "If you saw the headline 'Thief gets 9 months in violin case,' what do you think the story would be about?" Then you can ask if they can see why the headline might be funny to someone. People with right hemisphere damage often have difficulty with puns, double-entendre, etc.
The breadth of testing a neurologist can use to test brain functioning is impressive.
Posted by Magson (Member # 2300) on :
James Taranto's "Best of the Web Today" has a (nearly) daily feature of such headlines from papers around the country. He generally makes some sort of snarky comment about how it could be misconstrued -- quite funny.
My favorite headline I ever saw -- was in the Financial Times of India or something like that about 5 or 6 years ago:
quote:Mysis Gives Pecker Head Job
Say it out loud -- dare you!
It was perfectly innocent though -- the company Mysis had promoted Rudolph Pecker to CEO. Still... you KNOW that the headline writer did that one on purpose. . . . .
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