This is topic A question for Hatrackers that are Single and consider themselves Christian... in forum Books, Films, Food and Culture at Hatrack River Forum.
I'm curious about the challenges people are facing as singles of faith, so I'm doing a bit of research on a couple forums. A friend suggested I give Hatrack a try. (You guys are supposed to be a bit smarter than average, or somethin' ) So far I've heard things like:
'Having a narrowed selection because of wanting to find a Christian partner'
'Unequal expectations'
'Trying to discern whether dating the girl is God's will or not'
What do you think? What has been your experience? As a Christian man or woman, what's your one biggest frustration when it comes to dating/courtship? (I'm also a bit curious to see how this breaks down by gender.)
Thanks for your help!
Posted by T:man (Member # 11614) on :
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Posted by Lupus (Member # 6516) on :
I don't see it as a narrowed selection. I think everyone has preferences in an ideal partner.
If you have a certain set of beliefs you find yourself drawn to a certain sort of person. When I was in college my roommate was an atheist. He never would have wanted to date my girlfriend, because her beliefs were very different from his. On the same note, I never would have considered going out with his girlfriend.
As for unequal expectations, I think in any relationship it is important to be upfront with eachother about your beliefs and your expectations for the relationship. It is a bad idea to try to go out with someone who doesn't at least respect your beliefs.
I know I am different from some in my faith, but when entering a relationship I don't really worry about if it is God's will. I figure if someone is compatible with me, and shares my beliefs, then God would be happy for me. Why would he want me to avoid someone who was a good fit?
As for a frustration, perhaps it is slightly harder to meet someone as a Christian guy. Going out to bars and such isn't really the best way...and I think not enough churches to a good enough job of having a singles ministry. Some do, and some don't. I really think that more churches should have more activities for college age and young adult singles.
Though that being said, if you really try it is not hard to find people to date as a Christian. While I have not found the person that I want to marry yet, I haven't had any trouble finding dates.
Posted by Pennie-Lain (Member # 11932) on :
I agree with Lupus
Posted by DDDaysh (Member # 9499) on :
I cannot say that being CHRISTIAN has really narrowed my options. I think being smart has narrowed them more!
However, I do believe that having my particular set of moral beliefs and wanting my partner to share them has considerably narrowed the possibilities. I've met plenty of "Christian" guys who simply did not live in a way I thought any decent person (Christian or not) should.
Posted by Javert (Member # 3076) on :
How does holding a religious position that around 80% of the other people in the country hold narrow your options?
Posted by Puffy Treat (Member # 7210) on :
quote:Originally posted by Javert: How does holding a religious position that around 80% of the other people in the country hold narrow your options?
"Homogeneous whole" is not a term that applies to that 80%.
Posted by Colin Camden (Member # 11931) on :
To clarify, the bullet points I listed are just the answers that I've heard so far. I agree that they're not especially well thought out, but I'm trying to listen, not editorialize.
Posted by Christine (Member # 8594) on :
quote:Originally posted by Javert: How does holding a religious position that around 80% of the other people in the country hold narrow your options?
This is my thought whenever someone brings this up. I'm sorry...I'm neither single nor Christian so feel free to disregard my response, but it seems to me that Christians have an easier time finding one another than the rest of us do. Churches are great ways to meet people and a resource that I didn't have. Bars are only good places to find people who like to go to bars and I don't know any non-Christians who do. As a matter of fact, I know more Christians who like to go to bars. Aside from churches, there are dating services around here that advertise being for Christians only.
So I don't know about the 2nd and 3rd bullet points, but I don't believe wanting a Christian partner narrows the field.
Of course, within the 80% there are a lot of subtle and not-so subtle differences in what the people believe, how strongly a role they want religion to play in their lives, and how important those differences are. That probably gets into bullet point 2 and to that I'd just say that we all have different outlooks on life.
Posted by Mucus (Member # 9735) on :
On one hand, Puffy Treat is right, when the OP says 'Having a narrowed selection because of wanting to find a Christian partner' they probably implicitly mean 'Having a narrowed selection because of wanting to find a Christian partner (of my particular flavour)' rather than any random Christian denomination. Hence there are some large difficulties created by that restriction on your pool of candidates.
On the other hand, there *are* some people that are more accepting specifically of Christian partners specifically as opposed to non-Christian partners. This is less troublesome.
(And yes, mathematically either way this narrows the field. However, dating is not like running a government agency or hiring employees and you're rightfully free to restrict your own pool of candidates by whatever lines you choose even if those lines would be deemed discriminatory in those former contexts.)
It is not 100% clear to me if CC is referring to the former or the latter in the OP.
Posted by Raia (Member # 4700) on :
Christine: Correct me if I'm wrong (being Jewish, my information may be mixed up a bit), but I think there is a difference between "being Christian" (as in, raised Christian), and actually believing that you are CHRISTIAN. I know many who go to church because their parents do, consider themselves Christians because of how they grew up, but don't have any strong personal belief system at all. And others who don't necessarily put a label on themselves, but who have a very strong set of beliefs. Christianity as a title is not what Colin's getting at, I believe. Is that right, Colin?
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
I don't find it is important to me to limit my choices by religion.
Posted by Liz B (Member # 8238) on :
I've been married for 11 years (going on 12! ), so I'm not your target question-answerer, but I did experience this...
I was with kmbboots when I was single--I happily dated any guy who fit my non-religious criteria. (To be fair, I was not attending church in college, which is when I was single, but I was definitely still a believer.)
I was in love with an atheist when I was 21. How we handled it was-- well, I had (and have) the kind of faith that wasn't/ isn't bothered or shaken by people mocking religion, or logically explaining why it doesn't make sense. In fact, I've always enjoyed those kinds of conversations. *shrug*
On the other hand, I am glad that that relationship eventually ended. Not because he wasn't a great guy--he is--and not just because I think my husband is a better match for me than the atheist was, in matters unrelated to religion--which he is. While religion would not have been a deal-breaker in terms of picking a spouse for me, I am very glad that I ended up with someone who is essentially the same flavor as me. (I was raised Methodist, he was raised Baptist. Now we're both Methodist.)
Our marriage has been shaped in many ways by our religion. Wonderful and terrible things have happened to us because of the church. And while I am still *very* *angry* at certain parts of the UMC (including a particular pastor who is flat out a bad person), I would not give up the pain it has caused us. I'm not even talking about not trading the pain because that would mean giving up the good parts--I mean that I wouldn't give up the bad parts even if I could keep the good parts only. We are better and stronger people--and stronger as a couple--because of the church. The bad as well as the good.
The current end to this story is that we are cautiously attending again--a new congregation.
So that's the long answer to my experience. The short answer to my biggest frustration was this--
Religion is important in picking a spouse, and I kept being attracted to smart, funny, critical guys who often happened to be atheists.
Posted by Stephan (Member # 7549) on :
Looking at my friends, the non-religious that didn't find someone in college are staying single a lot longer. My friends that have been heavily involved in any religion are all married. Could just be a fluke in my group though.
Posted by Christine (Member # 8594) on :
quote:Originally posted by Raia: Christine: Correct me if I'm wrong (being Jewish, my information may be mixed up a bit), but I think there is a difference between "being Christian" (as in, raised Christian), and actually believing that you are CHRISTIAN. I know many who go to church because their parents do, consider themselves Christians because of how they grew up, but don't have any strong personal belief system at all. And others who don't necessarily put a label on themselves, but who have a very strong set of beliefs. Christianity as a title is not what Colin's getting at, I believe. Is that right, Colin?
I think Mucus answered this the way I would. Yes, there are lots and lots of different types of Christians. There are those who were raised Christian and now are atheist, agnostic, or still go to church but may or may not believe. There are those who have faith but not a mainstream faith.
In short, religion isn't a check box. Even denomination doesn't necessarily tell you much.
That said, I think a great many people in the US consider themselves to be Christian and that is the only definition I was going by. I do not consider someone Christian just because they were raised that way or I would consider myself Christian. I do not find that there is any shortage of people who actively have faith in the whole God/Jesus thing. Posted by T:man (Member # 11614) on :
WEEE R TEH SARMTEST FOROM OT THER!!!~!!~!!!!!!!!1!1!!!1!one!!
Posted by Bella Bee (Member # 7027) on :
Well, I'm single but not Christian. However, I would say being an atheist has possibly narrowed my options somewhat in the past. I've had to accept that a potential relationship would not work out because the guy in question firmly believed that I would be damned for all eternity if I did not find Jesus. As a conversion was not a possibility, I thought that kind of judgement in a relationship would be unhealthy, rather as if he had told me that he was worried that I was too fat or something - so I gave up on the whole idea. It wasn't his fault, though. I had asked the question and he gave me an honest answer.
I, obviously, wouldn't be against a relationship with a religious guy, but he'd have to accept that I wasn't going to be an active part of that section of his life. I suppose there might also be a problem should we ever have kids - I wouldn't want to force atheism upon them but I would want to give them space to find their own understanding of religious beliefs, as I was allowed to. Someone should really set up an atheist dating agency, though.
Posted by Colin Camden (Member # 11931) on :
quote: I know many who go to church because their parents do, consider themselves Christians because of how they grew up, but don't have any strong personal belief system at all. And others who don't necessarily put a label on themselves, but who have a very strong set of beliefs. Christianity as a title is not what Colin's getting at, I believe. Is that right, Colin?
Yes, that's exactly what I was referring to. Posted by Colin Camden (Member # 11931) on :
quote:Originally posted by Bella Bee: Someone should really set up an atheist dating agency, though.
That's a really good idea. Looks like there are a couple already out there though:
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
) So far I've heard things like:![[Smile]](smile.gif)
), so I'm not your target question-answerer, but I did experience this...