Seems like the only posts I ever put up are seeking help: Help - I hit a button on my computer and my screen looks strange now! Help - Can old bread hurt you?
Anyhow, I've got another one for you all, and would appreciate some informed advice.
I just had my first of two (though the date for the second one is yet unknown) wedding showers on Saturday, and while I've organized all the gifts into a nice wall-o-stuff in my fiancé's apartment, we're both kind of wondering when it's acceptable to actually start opening and truly putting away everything. We're three months from our wedding date as of this Friday.
To give you a little more to work with, he's also in a different state, so besides having to integrate the gift items into the apartment, eventually we'll have my things that are being moved in, too. It would be nice to work on the gift wall before having to also add my stuff to the mix.
Does anyone know what is usually considered proper? Thanks so much!
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
It's having the shower in the first place that's tacky; having done so, you cannot sink any lower, and may open the gifts whenever you like. Further, presents are the recipient's to do with as she wishes; once the guests are gone you are at liberty to throw the gifts in the trash if you so choose, or tear the wrapping open in a frenzy of greed, or indeed leave them on the shelf for twenty years. You must write thank-you notes, however.
Posted by scholarette (Member # 11540) on :
I would say that you can's use the present until you have written the thank you note. But that isn't so much an etiquette rule as a rule I made to make me write the dang thank you notes.
Posted by Mucus (Member # 9735) on :
Are gifts for a wedding shower distinct from those from the wedding themselves? (i.e. are you expected to provide both?)
Posted by MattP (Member # 10495) on :
A wedding shower is an independent event. You are generally expected to bring a gift and that gift is usually something focused on the bride, whereas the wedding present is generally focused on the couple. So the stinky expensive lotions go to the shower, the blender goes to the wedding.
Posted by SenojRetep (Member # 8614) on :
I believe my wife opened all her shower gifts at the shower itself, although her shower was only a month or so before the wedding itself. <edit>I'm assuming your "wedding shower" is a gender-neutral version of the more traditional "bridal shower," which is what we did</edit>.
Based on that experience I would say you should open them immediately so you can send thank you cards more quickly. I find it more meaningful to receive a card when I still remember what I gave to someone, rather than several months later when I've probably forgotten.
Posted by Orincoro (Member # 8854) on :
I'm also in on the idea that wedding showers as well as gifts are tacky. Should I get married, it would take some convincing for me to even accept gifts.
Posted by Mucus (Member # 9735) on :
MattP: Hmmm, alright. Thanks Have a few weddings to go to in the near and far future. These things seem to add up.
Posted by scholarette (Member # 11540) on :
If it is a good wedding shower, you should get all the stuff you want for the honeymoon there. Which of course, needs to be opened, sorted and packed for the honeymoon before the wedding occurs.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote:Originally posted by MattP: A wedding shower is an independent event. You are generally expected to bring a gift and that gift is usually something focused on the bride, whereas the wedding present is generally focused on the couple. So the stinky expensive lotions go to the shower, the blender goes to the wedding.
I strongly disagree, although I accept this may be a cultural issue. Wedding showers are a way for guests to avoid bringing the wedding present to the ceremony and the couple to have to lug them home afterwards. If you gave a gift at a shower (or dropped it off before the wedding), you certainly don't also need to bring one to the wedding.
Posted by MattP (Member # 10495) on :
I think it is a cultural thing. Around here there isn't a gender-neutral "wedding shower" so I had assumed this was the same thing as a "bridal shower" which is what I described - an independent event, focused on the bride, with separate presents. In fact, searching for "wedding shower" on Wikipedia redirects to the Bridal Shower article.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
The ones I'm used to are also bride-centered -- and the gifts are primarily household items.
Posted by mr_porteiro_head (Member # 4644) on :
When I got married, there wasn't one either. Even so, my group of friends threw what they called a "couples shower" for me, my best friend, and our fiances. It wasn't really about gifts, although I'm pretty sure that I walked away from it with a set of Vice Grips, which was nice.
Posted by Bella Bee (Member # 7027) on :
Is this a shower, plus the wedding, plus an earlier engagement party (all with presents)? Because three gifts could be seen as excessive for one couple, but as long as there wasn't any rule on how much you have to spend, two seems okay (something small and pretty at the bridal shower, posh wok for the wedding.) I hear that some people have begun to specify that they only want cash (which is okay) and the exact amount (not okay), on their wedding invitations. Now that's tacky.
With engagement parties, I have a one-engagement rule. If you're a serial fiancée , you don't get any more gifts.
In this case, it probably depends on how often the people who gave you the gifts come to visit. If they're not going to see what you do with the stuff until after the wedding, it doesn't matter when you use it.
Posted by King of Men (Member # 6684) on :
I don't know about the "small and pretty". For our wedding we were given a gold coin, quite valuable. We managed to lose it by stashing it inside the card it came in, then throwing out the cards. :oo
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
quote:Originally posted by Bella Bee: to specify that they only want cash (which is okay)
No, it's not. A gift is just that. It's not an obligation. Asking for money in lieu of gifts is extremely tacky.
Posted by FlyingCow (Member # 2150) on :
Very interesting to see all the differences on this.
In my experience (i.e. christian and jewish weddings for people from northern NJ, predominantly), there is both a shower and a wedding gift. There is not usually an engagement party - though it's not unheard of. (We had one, but it was almost two years before the wedding and was merged with a surprise 30th birthday party for me - we had specifically said "no gifts", but there ended up being birthday gifts instead of engagement gifts)
The shower gifts are usually household items (blenders, dishes, vacuums, glassware, kitchen stuff, etc). These are usually opened at the shower itself, or arrive by mail and are opened. The shower is a separate event, and should have its own thank you cards (though we didn't realize this at the time, and will be committing the faux pas of sending combined wedding/shower thank yous).
The wedding gifts are predominantly checks/cash. At our wedding, there were only four actual, physical gifts - everything else was a check or cash in a card. At the weddings I've gone to, there is usually a cage or box for cards, and a couple of gift bags propped next to it.
We are waiting to send our thank you's until we have a wedding picture that we can include with the card.
This actually might be a good question to ask on TheKnot.com message boards (my wife got a lot of good advice on there, actually).
Posted by Traceria (Member # 11820) on :
I should probably clarify that I did actually remove wrapping paper, tissue paper and such. I do know what we were given, but now, as a kid on Christmas morning, I just want to know if it's okay for me to take that cool remote-control truck out of the packaging to play with. Well, in our case, the cool toaster oven or cookware.
scholarette, good plan. I've been working on them during my lunch break.
Mucus, depending on the bride and groom and somewhat on the folks planning the shower(s), a lot of times these days people give gifts from off of the wedding registry at the shower(s). Often times, instead of bringing a large boxed gift to the wedding itself, it's easier to either a) send a gift to the couple's (new) address or b) bring a card with either a monetary gift or a gift card to a store/restaurant/etc. Hope that helps when you're called upon to wish the couple(s) well! Or as rivka noted, showers are a way of avoiding dragging that huge hamper they wanted to the wedding. You aren't obligated to give both times, but I'm sure the couple won't argue if you do. For the record, mine was bride-centered and included mostly household items. Lots of baking ones in particular, which made me happy.
Bella, this particular shower was planned for guests from the groom's side, so to speak. So, the second future shower is going to have minimal overlapping (i.e. his mom will be invited to the second shower and my mom and grandmother, who went to Saturday's, will be at the second as well) and will be primarily for ladies from my side. We definitely avoided including any kinds of gift expectations. I checked all that by Emily Post. I like your advice, too. Maybe we will try to start putting things away the next time we are at the apartment at the same time.
Thanks everyone for the input!
Posted by Traceria (Member # 11820) on :
Flying Cow, it's funny, but nearly all you've mentioned is exactly what I've picked up from...get this...a lot of ladies from Jersey (though south in my case)! Too funny!
Did you and your wife start putting away household gifts before the wedding itself? I'd love to get my glasses in the cupboards and bust the toaster oven out of the box. What did you both do?
Posted by FlyingCow (Member # 2150) on :
We started opening things as we needed them. So, the toaster and waffle maker were opened very early, the vacuum and wine glasses were opened later, and the wok and towel sets are still in boxes.
We would only open things together (for instance, she wouldn't open something if I wasn't there, and vice versa). Some things (like the bathroom towels) we aren't going to put out until we repaint our bathroom, so they're likely to stay in boxes for a while, yet. Some of it was also done to make space, as the boxes were getting in the way and we needed to consolidate.
The checks/cash were deposited the day we got back from the wedding.
We are now in the process of completing out our Excel document outlining what everybody gave (segregaged by wedding and shower), and will be starting in on thank you notes this week (the wedding was on 10/4). Hopefully the wedding pictures will be in during the next two weeks, and we can stuff one in each envelope and send them out.
Posted by Bella Bee (Member # 7027) on :
quote:Originally posted by rivka:
quote:Originally posted by Bella Bee: to specify that they only want cash (which is okay)
No, it's not. A gift is just that. It's not an obligation. Asking for money in lieu of gifts is extremely tacky.
Okay, I should have specified. In the past some people without many funds have suggested that if people were thinking of getting gifts, they might make donations for the honeymoon, or to chip in for food and drinks at the wedding reception. No pressure, no amount - just any money which would have been spent on a gift in a more useful form.
I think that's okay. Asking for gifts of over 200, not so much.
Posted by scholarette (Member # 11540) on :
The worst thing though is when you get your stack of presents and you have three with no card and you can think of at least 5 people who attended but you have no present or card from. So, if you just send a generic thank you note (which is not good but better then nothing) then you have several people getting a thank you card that did not give presents (which could be interpreted as a passive aggressive where's my present). I did go with a semi rude thing and included a small card stating where I was registered. Some people say that is extremely rude, but others consider it acceptable, so long as it is not on the invitation. I had a friend who had included the little cards in her invite and I loved it, so that is why I decided to include it- after searching through the wedding books and seeing it was 50/50 on acceptability. But I have also gone to weddings without a present and not felt bad, so that could affect my perception.
Posted by Valentine014 (Member # 5981) on :
Yes, it is perfectly acceptable to open your gifts before the wedding, it's actually encouraged because you need to start sending thank yous to the people who sent them. This has a duel purpose, to tell them you have indeed received the gift, and that you are thankful for it.
My qualifications: I am the hostess for a wedding planning site.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
I wish we could do away with thank you cards to be quite frank. Being thanked in the line ought to be thanks enough. Or else accept an internet card. Between invitations, and thank you cards that's alot of postage.
Posted by scholarette (Member # 11540) on :
BB- when I was married, I would have had a horrible time getting e-mails for everyone. But I personally am not a big fan of receiving thank you notes. I glance and toss- seems like a waste. I didn't give the present to get a note and the note doesn't make me think wow, they liked it or appreciate it. But, going to their house and seeing it in use (or not) does affect me.
Posted by MrSquicky (Member # 1802) on :
For our thank you notes (which I hate) I've committed to putting in a note about the stuff I'm actually really thankful for. I mean, the gift was nice, but the people I invited to the wedding have done so much more for me and I figure this is a good opportunity to let them know that I appreciate it.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
That's a really nice touch, Squick.
Posted by scifibum (Member # 7625) on :
I feel kind of guilty about the wedding gifts my wife and I registered for. We actually already each had household items and didn't need anything additional to set up housekeeping together. We received gifts from our list that we are still using years later, but we'd have been fine without them. At the time I think we both just figured if we were getting married we should register for gifts, because everyone else was doing it. <Edit>: not to kid myself. Greed was part of it.</edit>
I'm sure we'd have received gifts either way - and I know some gift givers prefer a registry for convenience - but it really comes across as a request "please buy this for us", which in our case was a needless request. I wish we hadn't, and I even wish we'd indicated to our guests that we'd love to have them attend but gifts were not needed.
Now, to the extent that people tend to find themselves on both sides of this kind of event, it's fine. It's a barn raising. As long as the collective expectation is that there will be a gift registry and everyone will take their turns giving as well as receiving, I don't even think it's tacky. (Not that such a context is completely prevalent.) Its just that we already had adequate shed space and didn't really need the barn, even though we were able to put it to use.
Asking for sizeable cash gifts is the ultimate in tacky, but I'm perversely curious about whether it works. I know it wouldn't work on me. I already get irritated when I see gift registries with luxury-grade items on them (not that it affects me - we just give something reasonable instead). I might be moved to, I don't know, say something if someone asked me to please pay at least $200, along with not doing it. The most plausible explanation I can think of was the reception was a helluva party and guests* got an expensive experience, but that in no way justifies it. If it wasn't just an ill advised attempt to offset expenses, perhaps they walked away with thousands of dollars, chuckling at their clever extortion. It'd be interesting to know how it worked out.
*To stretch the meaning of "guest" in that case.
Posted by Valentine014 (Member # 5981) on :
quote:I know it wouldn't work on me. I already get irritated when I see gift registries with luxury-grade items on them (not that it affects me - we just give something reasonable instead).
The bride and groom may not actually expect you to buy those items. Lots of stores offer a sizeable discount to the couple when they put items on their registry. They will put these expensive items on the registry with the intent of buying them for themselves with a nice 20% "registry completion discount."
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
quote:Originally posted by MrSquicky: For our thank you notes (which I hate) I've committed to putting in a note about the stuff I'm actually really thankful for. I mean, the gift was nice, but the people I invited to the wedding have done so much more for me and I figure this is a good opportunity to let them know that I appreciate it.
That's a really good idea MrSquicky. Posted by DDDaysh (Member # 9499) on :
Wow. Everything is so different in different places.
Around here the "bridal shower" went out of style about 10 years ago. Everything now is "couples shower" and not even remotely focused on the bride. My brother and his wife got everything from embarrassingly scanty underclothing for her, to toaster ovens, to Dallas Cowboy grilling utensils.
The general rule seems to be a gift for the shower and another for the wedding. I'm sure, however, that if you wanted to splurge on just one big gift for both, no one would complain. I actually bought two separate things for my brother and his wife, and ended up giving both at the shower and nothing at the wedding. That's because the first gift was breakable, and I didn't want to risk transporting it to another city just so they could then transport it back, and the second gift was alot of the things they'd registered for for their bathroom. Since they had already rented the apartment and were semi-trying to live in it before the wedding, I thought they might not want to wait another month before getting their shower curtain and towels.
I know they didn't wait before opening and putting away their shower gifts. In fact, the only rule I've ever heard about shower gifts is that the bride to be should either avoid (or try) cutting ribbons, because every ribbon she cuts is a pregnancy she will have in the future. Thus, if you don't want 22 kids, you'd better be really good at undoing knots!
Also, just an FYI. I think asking for cash is tacky. However, I was also in the position where I didn't really need any household goods at the wedding. Thus, I simply didn't register anywhere at all. While a few people did get me rather odd items, most resorted to cash because they had no idea what else to do! So - I highly suggest not registering if you'd prefer money to gifts. That way you're not asking for it, but you're also no encouraging people to give you random junk you really don't need. Whatever you do, don't be like my cousin and register for eight different brands of the same item! They ended up with like 6 toasters, 3 blenders, and an untold number of pot&pan sets!
Posted by scholarette (Member # 11540) on :
I registered for no toasters and ended up with four. Since we already had 2 toasters (one for each of us), we had a lot of returns. I think asking for expensive items is ok since some people do big group presents. And if ten people want to just get one thing, it is a lot more difficult to pick out a bunch of small items then just get one big item.
Posted by FlyingCow (Member # 2150) on :
We registered for a ton of stuff, from low to high end. We didn't know what range people would be looking for, so we had lots of little things (even under $5), a fair number of mid-sized things, and a few bigger things.
Of course, we barely scratched the surface of what we registered for, but we get 20% off all of it now that the wedding has passed - and will be buying a bunch of it ourselves.
It's strange to us, though, the gifts that we got that we would never, ever use (or already had plenty of) from people who obviously never even thought to look for a wedding registry (some of whom even helped plan the bridal shower). We have a small pile of gifts that either will a) get regifted, b) end up in storage forever, or c) be given to the Salvation Army.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
Some of us object to registries on principle.
I do try to give things that are unique enough not to be duplicates (or that don't matter if they are, like nice tablecloths).
Posted by Mucus (Member # 9735) on :
quote:Originally posted by Bella Bee: ... No pressure, no amount - just any money which would have been spent on a gift in a more useful form.
I actually found this to be very helpful at a couple of weddings. At traditional Chinese weddings, it is pretty much expected to give cash in little red pockets, but I was not sure as to how Westernized the couple was and whether an actual gift was more appropriate.
So a reminder about this was good, for me anyways.
Posted by MrSquicky (Member # 1802) on :
We had an engagement party, she had a bridal shower thrown for her, and then the wedding.
I tried to stress that people shouldn't feel like they had to bring a gift for anything, especially for the engagement party (I just really wanted to celebrate and eat some ribs), but we got gifts at all three.
I was uncomfortable with the registry. We tried to have a wide range of prices on there, but most everything we put on there was high quality (read: expensive) stuff. I mean, we registered for kitchen tools, some of which you could get for $5 or so, but they were the good kitchen tools. My wife convinced me that if people were going to be spending that money on us, we might as well get the high quality stuff that was better than what we already had. (Incidentally, we're donating just about two full kitchens worth of pots and pans, kitchen tools, various plates, bowls, glasses, and silverware to Goodwill)
The most expensive thing we registered for was a steamer bar that we both loved and were expecting to maybe buy with the registry completion discount, but that friends of ours dropped off at our place like three weeks after we put it on the registry (they split the cost among many couples).
We just bought a lot of stuff that was remaining on our registry, using the completion discount (which is another reason why doing the registry was a good idea) and gift cards we were given. Another reason was that some of the brands (Kitchenaid and Circulon for us) offer free gifts if you register for enough stuff and then more if you get that stuff bought for you (or buy it yourself).
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
My experience with showers is that the gifts are opened at the party and that they are usually less formal and less expensive than the wedding gifts.
I find registries very helpful, especially ones that ship. Also the proper way for people to find out where you were registered is for them to ask some close female relative.
Posted by Traceria (Member # 11820) on :
Valentine, so you would say it's perfectly acceptable for me to start washing towels for the bathroom and putting away things in the kitchen (provided I've sent thank you cards, all of which I plan to have completely done and sent out by Friday)?
It's definitely more than easy to give the idea by registering (or not) that you expect things. I've read up on a lot of Emily Post wedding stuff that suggests you, for example, don't include registry cards in your actual wedding invitations and instead give them to folks throwing showers or simply try to pass along the message by word of mouth (others doing this for you is even bette than you yourself). Also, I think it was The Knot that mentioned registering for $50-$75 worth of stuff per invitation (or was it guest?), which seemed REALLY high to me. It did until my finace's mom said a lot of people wanted to buy more than what was "available" on the registry. Now despite having three (I know that sounds excessive, but we kind of ended up with a surprise registry) registries, we're facing not having enough on them because folks are coming back and saying they want to know what we'd like but there's not much left to choose from! It's a strange place to be in. That said, we're not adding a thing more.
All this said, I've been a guest many more times than a bride (obviously since this is my first and we're planning last marriage), and I've always felt that I'd rather get the couple something I know they want or need rather than guessing and getting them something they might do with as FlyingCow has mentioned (give away, regift, or store for the rest of time).
As others have said, I'm hoping but not necessarily getting those hopes up that people will give us gift cards so that we can utilize the completion discount to get the larger ticket items (like the cafe table and chairs for near the kitchen of what will be our small apartment that we so desparately need so we have a place to eat together).
Posted by Traceria (Member # 11820) on :
Oh yes! I wanted to add this in case anyone ever needs a spectacular shower idea for one that involves a lot of people the bride or groom don't know very well.
My mother-in-law-to-be had passed around index cards for each woman to write down some words of wisdom. When I would get to her gift, she would not only share those but also some things about herself so that we'd end up learning a little more about one another and it wasn't like getting a gift from a stranger. It worked wonderfully, and it is making writing meaningful thank you notes (as MrSquiky has touched upon) easier since I can incorporate more than just a thank you for the gift itself.
Posted by FlyingCow (Member # 2150) on :
rivka, I'm sure you would get a very nice gift... not, you know, a manual, plastic "as seen on TV" version of the Cuisinart or KitchenAid appliance the couple already owns.
Squick, we did the same thing. We only put quality items on our registry, because quite frankly I always buy products to last (not to be replaced). I'd much rather get a single, good Circulon pan or Henkels knife, for instance, than an equally priced box of 15 pots/pans or 20 knives from Amazing Savings. We had friends who registered for Cutco knives - which are very expensive, but also guaranteed practically forever.
Ultimately, we didn't get a whole lot off our registry (shower was small, and some people gave cash even there) - but we do have the option to get the items we want at a reduced rate, which is awesome.
Posted by dkw (Member # 3264) on :
I ended up having three or four bridal showers, since there were non-overlapping groups of people in my life who wanted to have showers. I liked what the women from church did -- I talked to the woman organizing it about feeling awkward about the gift aspect so they had a recipe shower. Each guest wrote down 2 or 3 of their favorite recipes and the hostess bought a nice wooden recipe-card file for them.
Posted by dabbler (Member # 6443) on :
Oooh I like the recipe shower!
Posted by Wendybird (Member # 84) on :
As a guest I appreciate a registry because that way I get stuff in the colors the couple likes or avoid getting stuff they don't need when combining households etc. Just please don't put things like a mega box of condoms or KY intense pleasure or the like. Yes one registry I looked at for a wedding I was invited too had that and many other tacky things. I ended up not getting them anything off the registry and just gave them a gift certificate because it was so inappropriate.
Posted by FlyingCow (Member # 2150) on :
Wow, Wendy... that's just... I don't know what that is. Just.. wow.
My wife also had a food/recipe theme, as each person was supposed to bring with them a spice for our spice rack and a recipe card.
Posted by ambyr (Member # 7616) on :
quote:Originally posted by Wendybird: As a guest I appreciate a registry because that way I get stuff in the colors the couple likes or avoid getting stuff they don't need when combining households etc. Just please don't put things like a mega box of condoms or KY intense pleasure or the like. Yes one registry I looked at for a wedding I was invited too had that and many other tacky things. I ended up not getting them anything off the registry and just gave them a gift certificate because it was so inappropriate.
Each to their own, I guess? Among many of my friends that wouldn't cause the slightest blink. But I agree you have to judge your audience accurately.
Posted by Valentine014 (Member # 5981) on :
quote:Valentine, so you would say it's perfectly acceptable for me to start washing towels for the bathroom and putting away things in the kitchen (provided I've sent thank you cards, all of which I plan to have completely done and sent out by Friday)?
Yep!
quote:I've read up on a lot of Emily Post wedding stuff that suggests you, for example, don't include registry cards in your actual wedding invitations and instead give them to folks throwing showers or simply try to pass along the message by word of mouth (others doing this for you is even bette than you yourself).
Yes, no mention of gifts in the wedding invite. You tell your close family and attendents and they will spread the word for you. Since you aren't hosting the shower, it is acceptable for your host to include information about your registry in the invite.
quote:Also, I think it was The Knot that mentioned registering for $50-$75 worth of stuff per invitation (or was it guest?), which seemed REALLY high to me. It did until my finace's mom said a lot of people wanted to buy more than what was "available" on the registry.
She's right, it's not too high. People are often very generous when it comes to giving wedding gifts. Oh, and while the Knot is a nice place to get ideas, there are much better places to go. The girls on the Knot message boards are the meanest, nastiest women on the internet. You have been warned. Try Project Wedding or Weddingbee. They both have forums with nice people.
quote:Now despite having three (I know that sounds excessive, but we kind of ended up with a surprise registry) registries, we're facing not having enough on them because folks are coming back and saying they want to know what we'd like but there's not much left to choose from!
Three registries are pretty standard. You can always add more to the registry as gifts start to get bought.
quote:As others have said, I'm hoping but not necessarily getting those hopes up that people will give us gift cards so that we can utilize the completion discount to get the larger ticket items (like the cafe table and chairs for near the kitchen of what will be our small apartment that we so desparately need so we have a place to eat together).
If you want gift cards, don't have a registry. People will buy off of the registry if you have one. People will continue to ask you what you "really" want. You can try to have some answers prepared for this. If you know that some people are crafty, you can ask for something they will make.
Posted by andi330 (Member # 8572) on :
quote:Originally posted by rivka:
quote:Originally posted by Bella Bee: to specify that they only want cash (which is okay)
No, it's not. A gift is just that. It's not an obligation. Asking for money in lieu of gifts is extremely tacky.
Actually, there are reasons for this, especially among couples (say mid-thirties and up) getting married. The longer you live single, the more likely you are to have a lot of the things you need to run a household. I have enough dishes and silverware to set an 8 place table, and nearly all the appliances I need too. However, I don't own a house.
Since the purpose of wedding gifts is to help the new couple ensure that they have everything they need to begin life together (which is why registries are so focused on household objects) couples that don't have a need or desire for these objects may choose to ask for cash in lieu of gifts as say, as way of adding to or creating a down payment on a house.
I do agree that specifying an amount of cash is extremely tacky however.
Posted by rivka (Member # 4859) on :
If you want cash, you pass that info along informally, just like registry info.
Including either with the invitation is tacky. No matter how old and established the couple is.
Also, even if I grant that this is true:
quote:the purpose of wedding gifts is to help the new couple ensure that they have everything they need to begin life together
that implies that established couples need fewer gifts. Not that they need money.
If I ever get remarried, I expect to get very few wedding gifts. And I am perfectly fine with that.
Posted by FlyingCow (Member # 2150) on :
I even had guests ask me outright whether there was a registry or if I wanted cash, because they couldn't find any mention of it in the invitation.
I think the etiquette with regard to this is all over the map, with cultural and even regional divides as well as movement away from tradition and more toward practicality (and vice versa).
I learned from my aunt at my own wedding that it was a major faux pas for bridesmaids not to wear some type of hat when my parents were married - which just seems odd to think about today.
Posted by Traceria (Member # 11820) on :
Thanks for all the great advice, Valentine!!
Posted by MrSquicky (Member # 1802) on :
It seems to me that a lot of etiquette is predicated on the idea that people don't actually mean what they say.
To me, if I said, along with the invitation "If you want to get us a gift, we're registered at..." I'd actually mean that and not "You better get us a gift, you cheap skinflints." I'd be providing information to people who wanted use it, which, although we're somehow supposed to pretend that there's not a strong societal expectation of bringing gifts to a wedding, I'm well aware would be the vast majority of people coming to the wedding.
However, instead of including a piece of paper with that information, we included one that had, among other things, a link to our wedding website, which had a page dedicated to our registries.
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Of course, if I had my way, most of my friends would have gotten an eVite to the wedding instead of an elaborate invitation that they opened, looked at and then put aside, and promptly lost. The people that the paper invitation is important to would have gotten one, but electronic communication offers so many benefits here in comparison.
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
It worked wonderfully, and it is making writing meaningful thank you notes (as MrSquiky has touched upon) easier since I can incorporate more than just a thank you for the gift itself.
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)