Okay, so it's understandable that with Christmas around the corner, this being the last one before I get married in January, and with lots of things in transition that people would be a little emotional right now. Heck, I know I am.
I was just talking with my mom on the phone. She's coming down to my condo tonight, and we're going to do fun things like spackle holes in the walls and pack up a few more things to get ready for them to be moved to NJ (my future state of residence).
She says something along the lines of, "Oh, you're going to be around this weekend, right?" And I respond by telling her that I will be up in NJ again and will be there through Christmas (she knew about that part), and that prior to Christmas I will be doing things to organize and move into the apartment where my fiancé currently lives.
There is silence on the other end of the line, and then I hear her say in a shaky, quiet voice, "I have to go. Bye."
*sigh*
I mean, it was was nice of her to hold it together long enough to get that out and to refrain from breaking down on the phone, but I can't help but feel bad. What I am supposed to do, though? I don't think there is anything to soften such a blow, a blow that is simply caused by the new reality.
Posted by AchillesHeel (Member # 11736) on :
..... Get her a cat?
Posted by Phanto (Member # 5897) on :
People change and grow and things are different. Show your Mom you care in other ways, but don't feel bad for being who you are.
Posted by Mucus (Member # 9735) on :
How much further away will you be in the new place versus the old place (from her, say in terms of minutes)?
Posted by Traceria (Member # 11820) on :
Strangely enough, they may be taking one of my cats as it is... However did you know?!
That is a great suggestion, Phanto. Thank you. It hurts me also, though I'm going to something, whereas to her, I am just going away, but it could help us both to brainstorm and come up with ways to do that that fit the new situation better.
To answer your question, Mucus, I will be over an hour's drive farther away from her, 1 3/4 hours total. At the moment, if I am home on a weekend, I see both my parents at church on Sunday.
Posted by Katarain (Member # 6659) on :
Is there any way to change your plans so you can stay in town this weekend? You'll have plenty of time after you get married to spend with your husband, if that's it. Just a thought...
Posted by theresa51282 (Member # 8037) on :
You are still within driving distance. Anyway you could even spend an evening with her Christmas eve or day? I bet it would be worth the drive. I moved 20 hours away from my parents by car when I got married and especially now that I have a daughter I so wish we were only a drive away. My advice from someone a bit homesick for her own mom is make a trip even if it is a bit inconvenient and you feel super busy.
Posted by Tara (Member # 10030) on :
I have the same problem with my mom. I'm away at college and she lives alone. I very often worry about how happy she is. She always says she's doing fine, she never complains, she never burdens me with her problems - because she thinks I deserve to be happy at college without worrying about her. I still worry about her though - I try to reward her generosity by calling her often and spending time with her on breaks. But I also try to honor what she wants for me by not bothering her TOO much and concentrating on being happy myself.
I think she and I both think that, ultimately, you're responsible for your own happiness. It's okay to care for someone and try to make them happy, but you can't sacrifice TOO much of your own happiness. In the end, it's THEIR responsibility. Your mom has the ability to make herself happy - everyone does. You can help her along, but she has to get the ball rolling herself.
Posted by scholarette (Member # 11540) on :
I think I made my mother in law cry, but for opposite reasons. My plans of staying with my mom fell through so now we are staying with her. A week with her son, his evil wife and a three year old (her only grandchild) must be torture from the way she responded. Oh well.
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
The night of my oldest siser's wedding, when the reception was over and everyone had left. My mom went into my sister's room, sat on her bed and cried. Its not that my Mom would have changed a thing. She was very happy for my sister. It was just the emotions of having your first child marry and leave.
Don't worry too much about your Mom crying at this time. Make an effort to include her in your new life, she is clearly very important to you. But she is going to be emotional and cry about your getting married and moving away no matter how happy she is about it.
Posted by scholarette (Member # 11540) on :
What Rabbit said- that is how my mom was. She was thrilled to have my husband as her son in law, happy I had found someone I loved and wanted us to have our own lives, but still tough to have me growing up. I am the baby as well as the first married, so that might have made it worse. And my mom still cries every time my trips to see her end.
Posted by pooka (Member # 5003) on :
Hi Traceria! I had no idea you were on Hatrack. I know how your mom feels. I think I made my sister feel that way on Saturday night.
Posted by Traceria (Member # 11820) on :
Thanks for all the encouraging words!
What has made a lot of this so difficult is that my parents have had a hard time so far (though progress has been made) to let me go at all, so though I love them deeply, I know that the best thing we can do is to help set healthy boundaries. They have had many years to get in a routine of telling people the plans and expecting that those people would be there unless there was something of the nature of a health emergency. Now we're getting to a point where every time they bring something up, we are not necessarily in a position to be there and sometimes we've already made plans (be they to do something specific or the hopes that we won't have anything to do at all). We're having to learn to balance things.
I did get to talk with them both and we figured out where communication lines were breaking down. I reiterated that while we would appreciate them not coming to us with the expectation that we will always say "yes" or with albeit unintended designs to guilt-trip, they should still feel free to express a desire to see us and to see if plans can be made that work for everyone.
We ended up reworking the weekend because, frankly, I would like to do something that falls in what has been a "normal Christmas" for me and my family in the past, and we will not be seeing them on the actual day of Christmas this year. We will be four hours away on the shore in NJ. We'll be going down the day after, but all of the other regular family events will have taken place with out the presence of my fiance and I. We'll both get to see our families this way, but it won't be the same as past years. From here on out, it won't be either.
What we have decided to do this weekend, though, is to go over to their house to bake cookies and watch a movie. This is one "normal" thing that has been done in the past that we can repeat, and I'm greatly looking forward to it, too. It doesn't change the plans for Christmas day, but it will be really great to get something standard and meaningful to the holiday and family in amidst all the other busyness of moving, wedding planning, seeking a job, etc.
Hello pooka! I knew you were on here, but I didn't know your SN until now. Posted by Kwea (Member # 2199) on :
Great solution, and it sounds like something you will enjoy, and they will appreciate.
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)