I don't know that Hatrack is the perfect place for this, as I am not one of the regular social support crowd here (mostly I lurk), but it is the best place I know to vent and hopefully get some constructive help.
As much as I love the advert Dogbreath posted in his thread (truly I do!), sometimes such things make me sad and frustrated rather than hopeful, and I feel worse for having watched it rather than better. It stings as a reminder of what I don't and likely may never have, while simultaneously inspiring me to long for it anyway.
...How would it be to propose to a partner, to become engaged to a fiance, my future husband, with supportive friends and family all around? Well, there are always dreams....
They say it's wise to avoid politics and religion around the family Thanksgiving table, but I am weary of avoiding ME, which is precisely what my family tacitly requires I do as my price of admission to participate in family gatherings. I am a gay man, raised in an ultra-conservative LDS family.
I am under orders from my brother and his wife not to say anything about myself around my nephews since, "they are too young to understand," (translated appropriately as: "we are afraid that our sons will potentially become homosexual if you confuse them"). My father took the opportunity over the holiday to try to help me with my loneliness by suggesting I try to marry a woman and just be up-front with her that I'm gay. Not one iota of a hint that there would be any support for me to be with a man. No one ever asks me about my personal life, about whether I'm dating or trying to, about whether I'm happy or fulfilled. They speak to me only about work, I guess the only "safe" subject. They all automatically suppose that my political views must now be ultra-liberal, as far left as one could get, and that somehow I must be now be an atheist since I no longer espouse the LDS church.
GAHHHHHH!!!!!! I am not an alien! I am not a lifestyle! I am not a viewpoint! I am not a perversion, not a "challenge", not a disability, not a "struggle"!! I feel like screaming the whole time I'm there, or I wish that somehow the ground would swallow me up and that I could just disappear, and other times I feel like castigating the whole lot of them.
I so dread going home. No one but my mother speaks to me openly about how I'm doing. (Thank God for my mother!) I look around at my brothers and their wives and children and I feel so lonely sometimes. How can they not understand that I'm lonely, and yet they ACTIVELY wish for me to remain alone in order to avoid involvement in a "sinful" relationship? They receive so much strength and comfort from their spouses, from loving and intimate relationships, from human touch. I told my brother that when I hear him say that he is against "that lifestyle," that what I hear him say is that he is against me receiving the strength of human touch, of loving bonds, of intimacy. And all he replies is, "Oh."
Posted by Dogbreath (Member # 11879) on :
This is one of those times I wish I could give a hug through a computer screen.
I'm so sorry to read about you and your family. I feel like this should be the part where I tell you that it'll eventually get better and that there's someone out there for you - but coming from a single man who spent Thanksgiving by himself in a foreign country, it might seem a little hypocritical. I felt a lot of the same wistfulness watching that video.
I can say being alone isn't so bad when you know you've got good friends. I don't know how old you are (is late teens a good estimate?), but I can assure you that if you look hard enough, you may not find your soul mate, but you will find other people who'll be there to laugh and cry with you and talk with and hold you. Of course, that's not an easy thing to believe when you don't have it.
Anyway, I'm really sorry about your family and the way they treat you. Perhaps one day they'll realize what they've been doing to you, but in the meantime, I hope you are able to find happiness without them somehow.
Posted by imogen (Member # 5485) on :
Anthonie, I'm really sorry.
I really hope it does get better for you. You obviously love your family, and I'm sure they love you, but you are not being treated fairly.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
I'm sorry. Were you my bro, I'd totally support you being yourself whole heartedly. Your family should open their eyes and realize being gay isn't a bad thing at all. Some swans are even gay. They ought to evolve!
Posted by Anthonie (Member # 884) on :
Dogbreath, imogen, Synesthesia thanks for the kind words.
quote:Originally posted by Dogbreath: I don't know how old you are (is late teens a good estimate?)
Oh my, LOL, I'm in my thirties now! This makes me wonder exactly how I come across when I write?!.... Maybe it was the comment about "going home." I mean going to my parents. I have my own house in another town, so for me it's "over the river and through the woods..." back to the parental homestead.
I only came out now just under 3 years ago. So hopefully it will get better with my family, but the signs aren't that great that anyone is coming around.
My loneliness for a companion is accentuated at home when I am around my siblings, their spouses, and my many nieces and nephews. My baby sister got married just over a year ago, and I feel rather left behind. I love their children tremendously, but I feel remnants of past shame when I cannot openly share their uncle with them. It has been especially bad this year, and I'm not sure why.
Posted by Anthonie (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by Synesthesia: Some swans are even gay. They ought to evolve!
Posted by Corwin (Member # 5705) on :
Sorry about what you're going through.
For the record you sounded older than late teens to me (from the way you write, the type of advice your father gave you, the fact that you seemed to go visit your parents as opposed to living there, etc.).
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
I'm terribly sorry you are going through this Anthonie, there's nothing easy about being a gay man in a conservative LDS family. But it doesn't have to be so completely miserable.
I myself am LDS, though I am married and happily heterosexual. Your family is probably frustrated just as you are with the situation. I doubt anybody talked to your parents growing up about the possibility of having a son who was gay and how to attend to their needs, so surprise, they have to figure it out on their own.
If you don't mind my asking, since you don't identify as an atheist, how would you describe your own religious beliefs?
In any case, you are welcome to vent here if ever you feel the need. Posted by T:man (Member # 11614) on :
That really sucks. I want to use stronger language, but I won't.
I can't even imagine how hard that is.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
It makes me really angry that this is made so very hard and heartbreaking for you. The attitude that your family shows is born of pure fear and is a contradiction of the loving God that I know. I am sorry for them because they are denying themselves the joy of knowing and loving the real you.
I hope that you find someone extraordinary with whom to share your life. I will, though, echo Dogbreath and say that being single doesn't have to mean being lonely.
Posted by scholarette (Member # 11540) on :
I am LDS and if I die, my husband dies and my sister dies, a gay man will raise my kids. My husband and I have 5 siblings total, so we did have options in that order. So, it is possible to be LDS and still be accepting. Though I will admit, I would find things more comfortable if said gay man had a committed partner. Explaining dating is harder to me than explaining homosexuality. The homosexual conversation was actually among the easier. Most men are with women but some men are with men and some women with women. Conversation over. I always wonder what I am supposed to discuss beyond that which is so damaging to kids.
Posted by Dogbreath (Member # 11879) on :
quote:Originally posted by Anthonie: Oh my, LOL, I'm in my thirties now! This makes me wonder exactly how I come across when I write?!....
Oh no, you come across as very mature. I suppose the part with your dad recommending you marry should've tipped me off. I have a bad habit of imagining people to be about my age.
Posted by Speed (Member # 5162) on :
I'm not gay, but I am from an ultraconservative LDS family, and I don't fit in with them. For years I did everything I could to gain their approval, but nothing worked. I eventually married an immigrant, which they didn't like, and they treated her worse than they treated me.
Finally, about 10 years ago, I couldn't figure out how to deal with them, so I just stopped taking their phone calls. I never intended it to be long term. I just got tired of the battles, so one day they called and I decided it would be easier to let it ring than to pick up the phone.
Then something strange happened. After I stopped talking to them for a few weeks, I felt happy. The longer I went apart from them, the better I felt. I finally realized how long I'd been making myself miserable trying to get approval from people who were determined to be disappointed with me. After about a month of being happier than I ever remember, I decided to make it permanent.
So I haven't talked to my parents or siblings for about 10 years now. I live in a different state where there is no chance I'll bump into them. It's kind of awkward explaining to friends why I don't have anywhere to go on Thanksgiving or Christmas. But apart from that, it's awesome.
I'm not recommending anything like this for you. Obviously it's the social equivalent of radical surgery. It's not the type of thing that's right for everyone. But maybe take a step back. Even if you don't want to sever all ties like I did, sometimes it helps to realize that the opinion of a group of narrow-minded people isn't essential to your happiness, no matter how similar their genes happen to be. I think that epiphany was more important to me than the actual separation.
Highly simplistic solution to a complex problem, I know. But I hope it helps. Feel better.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
Yeah, I don't know about severing ALL the ties, but, it would help not to be with people who are so NEGATIVE. I grew up Seventh Day Adventist, and I am bisexual, so I can kind of relate. Really, there are bigger problems we should work on besides pestering gay people and making them marry people of the opposite sex which does not sound like a fun arrangement. At least you have the courage to be yourself. Unlike these folks who sneak around and lie to everyone. So be proud of that.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
Synesthesia:
quote:Unlike these folks who sneak around and lie to everyone. So be proud of that.
Who are you talking about? So far as Anthonie has written, he hasn't suggested his family skulks about telling lies to people.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
The folks like Haggard who lie about being gay even when they get caught. Or all of the folks who get caught up in scandals instead of just admitting that what they are isn't a bad thing to be if you are not sneaking around, which is not healthy.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
When you use the phrase "these folks..." it implies you are talking about a group of people we are already talking about. It's pretty much a given nobody here approves of people who shame others into just being quiet, or lying about their own sexuality.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
I didn't have any trouble knowing who Synesthesia was talking about.
Posted by Geraine (Member # 9913) on :
Anthonie, I'm sorry your family treats you that way. I think sometimes in the LDS community people are mroe worried about what other people think than their own children.
I have a cousin who recently came out and his parents immediately kicked him out of the house. He is now living with a few other gay LDS guys that were also kicked out of their homes. There are some in our extended family who are angry at him, and some that are angry at his parents. My cousin is a really good kid, and I can't imagine what he is going through. I really can't believe my uncle and aunt are so...well...stupid.
I've talked to my wife about letting him move in with us and live here for free for a while. He's only 18, fresh out of high school, and has nothing but what his parents threw out on the lawn. I wouldn't let him bring boyfriends over to spend the night, though I would ask him not to bring girlfriends home if he were straight either. I'd certainly let him bring a guy over to hang out though.
I can't really give you any advice since I haven't gone through what you have, but I wish you the best. I hope everything turns out ok for you. Thank goodness for your mother!
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
quote:Originally posted by scholarette: I am LDS and if I die, my husband dies and my sister dies, a gay man will raise my kids. My husband and I have 5 siblings total, so we did have options in that order. So, it is possible to be LDS and still be accepting. Though I will admit, I would find things more comfortable if said gay man had a committed partner. Explaining dating is harder to me than explaining homosexuality. The homosexual conversation was actually among the easier. Most men are with women but some men are with men and some women with women. Conversation over. I always wonder what I am supposed to discuss beyond that which is so damaging to kids.
From a doctrinal perspective, here it is according to me:
The greatest blessing we can hope for is to be like Heavenly Father in every way, including the ability to have spirit children and help them grow. As far as we currently know, the ability to have spirit children after this life is reserved for men and women who are sealed together in celestial marriage. For an unknown reason, Heavenly Father has either not permitted same sex couples to have spirit children; or (given that the Mormon god is not classically omnipotent) cannot change the rules of the universe to allow same sex couples to have spirit children; or He has not chosen to give the revelation allowing same sex couples to be sealed.
I know a number of Mormons believe the third option; they cite the revelation on the extension of the priesthood to all worthy males as precedent. This has always seemed a bit shallow to me; there's a lot of recent material from the prophets in General Conference pointing to the fact that homosexual behavior is a sin and that SSM is frowned upon by the Lord. That said, the doctrine of continuing revelation means that such a possibility is open.
Given these parameters-- that is, as far as we know right now only worthy dual-gendered couples are capable of having spirit children-- it behooves parents, teachers, and Church leaders to teach it as such.
quote:How can they not understand that I'm lonely, and yet they ACTIVELY wish for me to remain alone in order to avoid involvement in a "sinful" relationship?
I don't want to cast judgement on someone's motivations when I don't know them. I am a Mormon; I suppose someone might call me orthodox or conservative, because I do not support same sex relationships (let alone marriage). (Though, that does not mean I vote against legal support structures that assist same sex couples seeking marriage-- and yes, this is a change from my previous stance on the subject.)
From my perspective, if you were my child, I'd want you to stay single and abstinent, because that's what I feel the Lord wants. Recognizing that such a position DOES foster loneliness and desperation, I would hope that I would do everything I could to support you-- that is, being kinder, more engaging, more forgiving, more willing to open my home to you...and anyone you choose to bring with you. I may not like the idea of a child of mine being homosexual; but I don't like the idea of a child of mine having a relationship with someone who isn't Mormon, either. I think the two positions are roughly analogous. I'm more likely, I think, to convince you to come to Christ and repent of your sins by showing my love for you and reaching out to you, than by pushing you away or by cutting you out of my life.
I believe in the power of Christ-like love and in the sealing power. I believe that setting forth a good example and living worthily qualifies parents to see miracles in their wayward children-- including those with same gender attraction. Joseph Smith, the founder of the Mormon church, promised that parents who had been sealed in the temple and whose children had gone astray, if they (the parents) would continue in the faith and in the love of their children, their children would be brought back to them eventually. I have a lot of faith in that promise.
Reading back on this, I use a lot of terminology that some folks might find a bit-- suffocating. While I've got no doubt that my relationship with a child would change should that child choose to follow a lifestyle I disagree with, I recognize that he or she is still my child; and that's more important to me than their lifestyle. So, no: I would not spend every moment with the kid tenderly administering to them, as it were; I'd try to keep things as level and normal as ever. Part of Christ's genius in dealing with sinners is that...you know, he didn't treat them like sinners.
Anyway-- rambling off.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
But, what if you can't have kids? Would adopting count has having spirit children?
I'm a heathen, but I'd want my kids to be whole and happy. Even if I did not approve... but... I wonder what I wouldn't approve? Murder or something like that... I think love is way important to me than say, doctrine or anything like that. I would not want to join a group that is going to make a fuss about being gay when it's not something worth making a fuss out of. It just exists. I'd just want to accept someone no matter what almost.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
Synesthesia, I agree with you (generally) but you have to understand that, often, people, from their point of view, aren't choosing between the happiness of their children and doctrine; they are choosing, from their perspective, between what they condsider temporary happiness for their children and what they believe is eternal happiness for them.
You would endure your child's temporary unhappiness (say by not letting them eat all the candy they want) in order to protect them from more serious harm (say, bad health). Right?
Posted by scholarette (Member # 11540) on :
Scott- if your small kids asked, would you really go into all that detail? Do you think a 4 year old has the capability to understand those concepts? We are still trying to explain the concept of DVRing (she doesn't get why when she seen a commercial on a DVRd show for what's coming on next, why isn't that show actually on next). Explaining doctrinal issues regarding gay marriage is well beyond her. Of course, this is my 4 year old atheist who has decided religion makes no logical sense so can't be true so my good parenting with religion skills are obviously suspect.
Posted by Dogbreath (Member # 11879) on :
quote:Originally posted by Scott R: Joseph Smith, the founder of the Mormon church, promised that parents who had been sealed in the temple and whose children had gone astray, if they (the parents) would continue in the faith and in the love of their children, their children would be brought back to them eventually. I have a lot of faith in that promise.
I remember when my sister decided to move in with her boyfriend, about 8 years ago, my parents (who are very religious, though not LDS) strongly disapproved, and sat down with her several times to try and explain to her why they thought it would be a sin. She went ahead and did it anyway, but afterwards she and her boyfriend were still welcome in their house and they were treated like they were part of the family. My parents of course continued to pray for her, but they didn't exclude her or make her unwelcome or forbid her to ever mention her boyfriend. (They're now happily married with a son)
Again, my parents aren't Mormon, so perhaps they don't view sexual sins to be quite as abhorrent, but I have a lot of trouble with the LDS practice of shunning gays. I find it especially disturbing when it's abstinent gay men and women they are shunning - men and women who have committed no sin other than being honest. I've seen so many horribly broken families and hurting people who have been torn apart by the Church and it's teachings, I wonder how long this will continue to happen.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
quote:Originally posted by scholarette: Scott- if your small kids asked, would you really go into all that detail? Do you think a 4 year old has the capability to understand those concepts? We are still trying to explain the concept of DVRing (she doesn't get why when she seen a commercial on a DVRd show for what's coming on next, why isn't that show actually on next). Explaining doctrinal issues regarding gay marriage is well beyond her. Of course, this is my 4 year old atheist who has decided religion makes no logical sense so can't be true so my good parenting with religion skills are obviously suspect.
On the contrary, I think that the fact that your four-year old expects things to make sense and wants to decide for herself speaks well of your parenting.
You might want to take that with a grain of salt, though, as I am still pretty fuzzy on DVRing.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
quote:but I have a lot of trouble with the LDS practice of shunning gays. I find it especially disturbing when it's abstinent gay men and women they are shunning - men and women who have committed no sin other than being honest.
The LDS church has explicitly discouraged that sort of behavior.
People often don't follow the tenets of their religion, or don't do what is right. News at eleven.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
The Vatican has also been explicit about treating gay people with compassion but as long as our churches continue to support treating them as second-class citizens, people will use that as a loophole for their own bad behavior.
Posted by Dan_Frank (Member # 8488) on :
quote:Originally posted by Scott R:
quote:Originally posted by scholarette: I am LDS and if I die, my husband dies and my sister dies, a gay man will raise my kids. My husband and I have 5 siblings total, so we did have options in that order. So, it is possible to be LDS and still be accepting. Though I will admit, I would find things more comfortable if said gay man had a committed partner. Explaining dating is harder to me than explaining homosexuality. The homosexual conversation was actually among the easier. Most men are with women but some men are with men and some women with women. Conversation over. I always wonder what I am supposed to discuss beyond that which is so damaging to kids.
From a doctrinal perspective, here it is according to me:
The greatest blessing we can hope for is to be like Heavenly Father in every way, including the ability to have spirit children and help them grow. As far as we currently know, the ability to have spirit children after this life is reserved for men and women who are sealed together in celestial marriage. For an unknown reason, Heavenly Father has either not permitted same sex couples to have spirit children; or (given that the Mormon god is not classically omnipotent) cannot change the rules of the universe to allow same sex couples to have spirit children; or He has not chosen to give the revelation allowing same sex couples to be sealed.
I know a number of Mormons believe the third option; they cite the revelation on the extension of the priesthood to all worthy males as precedent. This has always seemed a bit shallow to me; there's a lot of recent material from the prophets in General Conference pointing to the fact that homosexual behavior is a sin and that SSM is frowned upon by the Lord. That said, the doctrine of continuing revelation means that such a possibility is open.
Given these parameters-- that is, as far as we know right now only worthy dual-gendered couples are capable of having spirit children-- it behooves parents, teachers, and Church leaders to teach it as such.
quote:How can they not understand that I'm lonely, and yet they ACTIVELY wish for me to remain alone in order to avoid involvement in a "sinful" relationship?
I don't want to cast judgement on someone's motivations when I don't know them. I am a Mormon; I suppose someone might call me orthodox or conservative, because I do not support same sex relationships (let alone marriage). (Though, that does not mean I vote against legal support structures that assist same sex couples seeking marriage-- and yes, this is a change from my previous stance on the subject.)
From my perspective, if you were my child, I'd want you to stay single and abstinent, because that's what I feel the Lord wants. Recognizing that such a position DOES foster loneliness and desperation, I would hope that I would do everything I could to support you-- that is, being kinder, more engaging, more forgiving, more willing to open my home to you...and anyone you choose to bring with you. I may not like the idea of a child of mine being homosexual; but I don't like the idea of a child of mine having a relationship with someone who isn't Mormon, either. I think the two positions are roughly analogous. I'm more likely, I think, to convince you to come to Christ and repent of your sins by showing my love for you and reaching out to you, than by pushing you away or by cutting you out of my life.
I believe in the power of Christ-like love and in the sealing power. I believe that setting forth a good example and living worthily qualifies parents to see miracles in their wayward children-- including those with same gender attraction. Joseph Smith, the founder of the Mormon church, promised that parents who had been sealed in the temple and whose children had gone astray, if they (the parents) would continue in the faith and in the love of their children, their children would be brought back to them eventually. I have a lot of faith in that promise.
Reading back on this, I use a lot of terminology that some folks might find a bit-- suffocating. While I've got no doubt that my relationship with a child would change should that child choose to follow a lifestyle I disagree with, I recognize that he or she is still my child; and that's more important to me than their lifestyle. So, no: I would not spend every moment with the kid tenderly administering to them, as it were; I'd try to keep things as level and normal as ever. Part of Christ's genius in dealing with sinners is that...you know, he didn't treat them like sinners.
Anyway-- rambling off.
Hey Scott, speaking as an atheist bisexual man who has been living in sin with an unmarried partner for many years, I just wanted to say that I really respect and appreciate everything you said here. Your attitude is really admirable, in my opinion. I know a few conservative families who take a similar approach (either theoretically, like you, or, in at least one instance, more practically) and they generally seem to be really great parents. I think if more parents took this attitude, life would be a lot less difficult for gay kids.
So, yeah. I know that the approval of a random internet stranger means basically nothing, but I still wanted to offer it. Posted by Annie (Member # 295) on :
Our churches do not support treating them as second-class citizens. If you're going to say that marriage is a civil right and that by not allowing gays to marry they are treating them as second-class citizens, you are entitled to think that, but realize that you are defining that yourself and that the people who disagree with you on gay marriage are not at all convinced that it's the same thing.
The LDS church, along with other churches, openly teaches us not to shun gay people or to deny them the rights of friendship or citizenship that are due to all human beings. There is nothing in that worldview that treats them as second-class citizens.
Do we think they're sinning? Yes. But we think an awful lot of people are sinning, including ourselves. That's not the same as overt discrimination.
(ETA: that was a response to kmboots)
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
There are relatively few "sins" in the "we are all sinners" category that are treated like the "sin" of homosexuality. Folks who take the Lord's name in vain didn't have to struggle to be allowed into the military. People are not all that fussed about letting Sabbath breakers be Scout leaders.
We don't treat homosexuality as "just another sin" and claiming that we, as a society, do is either naive or misleading.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
Kate: I spent almost my entire childhood being excluded from sporting events, and was shunned from the gymnastics team because I couldn't compete on Sundays and they said I should have been more committed to the team if I wanted to be a part of it.
I can't expect the entire world to refrain from using Sunday for sporting events. It still hurt me, but I don't think there was any malice in it.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
BlackBlade, I am not sure what that has to do with what I posted. Kudos, though, on having Sabbath breaking not being one of your sins.
ETA: And I am sorry you couldn't do gymnastics.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
quote: what if you can't have kids? Would adopting count has having spirit children?
No-- sorry, I should have explained. In Mormonism, the children we have here in life are spirit children of God. They're not our children from a spiritual point of view; they're our brothers and sisters.
The term "spirit children" refers to the children we have after we have died and been resurrected. Being able to procreate post-mortality is the greatest blessing that we can hope for; and in our current understanding, that blessing is only available to dual-gendered couples sealed in a Mormon temple, who have lived righteously. Preparing for that state is partly what life is about; thus, the reason Mormonism "fusses" over homosexuality. It is in direct contradiction to the state on which God's greatest blessing is predicated. Considering that the character, attitudes, and behaviors that we adopt as habitual in life continue with us after we die, putting ourselves in line with what God wants for us is essential.
(That's not to say that repentance can't happen post-mortality; nor is it to say that God is not merciful. Just that, as mortals, we're not privy to all the cause-effect-cause that God is aware of; so we teach the doctrine as revealed, offer kindness and support for the sinner, and leave eternal judgment to God.)
Posted by Dan_Frank (Member # 8488) on :
That's really interesting, Scott. It also sheds a lot of light for me on one of OSC's most common themes (that the most important part of life is having kids).
I'd always wondered why exactly that was such a strong running theme for him... a reason he cites in-story is often, essentially, the biological imperative, but that never really seemed persuasive to me. To call a biological imperative the most important thing we can do seems to undermine the value of abstract thought, philosophy, and basically all the stuff that makes humans unique and awesome.
Certainly, having kids and raising them well to ensure the future flourishing of our species is a great thing, but there are a lot of other ways to advance the future of our species.
But taken with what you've said, I think it makes a lot more sense.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
quote:Originally posted by kmbboots: BlackBlade, I am not sure what that has to do with what I posted. Kudos, though, on having Sabbath breaking not being one of your sins.
ETA: And I am sorry you couldn't do gymnastics.
I'm saying a church's response to an act is not always based on how serious a sin it is. The church does not bar the morbidly obese from the temple, that does not mean people who eat themselves to death are not committing a serious sin. Trying to rank all the sins IMHO is a fool's errand.
Posted by Speed (Member # 5162) on :
quote:Originally posted by BlackBlade: The church does not bar the morbidly obese from the temple...
Good thing, it would be kind of embarrassing if the Prophet couldn't get a recommend. Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
quote:Originally posted by Speed:
quote:Originally posted by BlackBlade: The church does not bar the morbidly obese from the temple...
Good thing, it would be kind of embarrassing if the Prophet couldn't get a recommend.
I would not describe the prophet as "morbidly obese", not unless I wanted morbid to lose it's meaning completely in that phrase.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
Right. Which is why the, "homosexuality is a sin but we aew all sinners" is a nonsense platitude. Your church and mine don't treat homosexuality as just any old sin.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
quote:Originally posted by scholarette: Scott- if your small kids asked, would you really go into all that detail? Do you think a 4 year old has the capability to understand those concepts? We are still trying to explain the concept of DVRing (she doesn't get why when she seen a commercial on a DVRd show for what's coming on next, why isn't that show actually on next). Explaining doctrinal issues regarding gay marriage is well beyond her. Of course, this is my 4 year old atheist who has decided religion makes no logical sense so can't be true so my good parenting with religion skills are obviously suspect.
She sounds adorably precocious. Posted by scifibum (Member # 7625) on :
quote:The LDS church, along with other churches, openly teaches us not to shun gay people or to deny them the rights of friendship or citizenship that are due to all human beings. There is nothing in that worldview that treats them as second-class citizens.
Although this is a response to kmbboots, it's still kind of painful to see in a thread that started with concerns like these:
quote:How would it be to propose to a partner, to become engaged to a fiance, my future husband, with supportive friends and family all around?
quote:I told my brother that when I hear him say that he is against "that lifestyle," that what I hear him say is that he is against me receiving the strength of human touch, of loving bonds, of intimacy.
To experience the intimacy and physical love that is part of everyone's birthright, Anthonie either has to wait for an incredibly unlikely miracle that would allow him to happily behave as a heterosexual, or he gets to forego acceptance by his family's church.
In contrast with your claims here, homosexuals who aren't willing to forego the blessings of partnering with a sexually attractive mate do get treated very differently than temple-worthy members, even if that's their sole deviation from the script.
Churches and families aren't governments, so when we talk about them treating people like "second class citizens", we aren't talking exclusively about matters of civil law and government. We're talking about how they are included and accepted in the communities defined by those groups, as well as the civil protections and privileges that are influenced by those communities.
Your church says "treat gay people with love and kindness" but it also teaches you to shut them out of participation in church meetings and ordinances and temple marriages, unless they are willing to be celibate or take the grave risk of marrying against their orientation. That narrow exception doesn't feel like a warm embrace. It's not enough to justify your claim that they are not treated as a lower class of person.
Posted by Rakeesh (Member # 2001) on :
It's a medical term though, isn't it? I believe in the tethnical sense lots and lots and lots of Americans qualify.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
Yeah, pretty much, scifibum. You're not treated the same. You're relationships don't count the same as same sex relationships. It's sad to treat people that way. To not allow them to be alive and complete.
Antonie, read this book called Stranger at the Gate by Mel White. Though it starts off talking about something most Mormons do not agree with, it's still an interesting book I haven't read in years about coming to terms with being gay and Christian.
Posted by Dogbreath (Member # 11879) on :
quote:Originally posted by BlackBlade: The LDS church has explicitly discouraged that sort of behavior.
People often don't follow the tenets of their religion, or don't do what is right. News at eleven.
I realize that as an outsider, my knowledge of the Church's current teachings are going to be at best foggy. I don't attend meetings, don't get any magazines or newsletters. My present understanding of how the church works comes almost exclusively from friends who are/were LDS and from the internet.
That being said, I have personally known several gay men who have been shunned by their Mormon families, and have read the stories of many, many more. And - from my perspective as an outsider - it seems to me that the Church fosters an environment where this sort of behavior is viewed as acceptable, if not outright encouraged.
If I recall correctly, homosexuality is condemned in three places in the entire bible. But the Lord speaks in every book of the Bible about the importance of love, family, and compassion towards the less fortunate. I think it's telling that the myth that Sodom was destroyed because of homosexuality is so widely spread the act of sodomy is named after it, despite the fact that the Lord himself tells us why he destroyed Sodom:
quote:Ezekiel 16:49 Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy.
I've seen many, many articles (many of them published by the Church) condemning the sin of homosexuality and warning that ssm will bring about the downfall of our society. Why do you never see articles published saying "treat gay people with love and respect" or "don't turn out your family members for being gay"? I'm sure the Church does advocate those positions, but I wonder how much of it is done just to cover their butts so when all the horrible things Mormons do to their own families happen, they can say "look! See? We didn't *tell* them to do it!"
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
quote:Your church says "treat gay people with love and kindness" but it also teaches you to shut them out of participation in church meetings and ordinances and temple marriages, unless they are willing to be celibate or take the grave risk of marrying against their orientation. That narrow exception doesn't feel like a warm embrace. It's not enough to justify your claim that they are not treated as a lower class of person.
It depends on what you mean by "participation in Church meetings." All respectful persons, no matter their sins, are welcome to come to church and participate in classes and so forth; some sins disqualify individuals from holding callings (like being a class teacher, or from other leadership positions).
But yes: worthiness, according to the commandments, can tend to stratify membership. I mean, duh. Let me point out the other sins/conditions that could potentially disqualify one specifically for temple worship:
Atheism Dishonesty Spousal/child abuse Non-support of children/spouse from a previous marriage Sexual relationships outside of marriage Affiliating or sympathizing with organized Mormon splinter groups Non-payment of tithing
(I say "potentially" because in the end, it is up to the participant to decide whether they are worthy or not.)
Straight is the gate, narrow is the way...etc. I'm amazed that people think the path to God should be accommodating. That is: the people on the path can be helpful, tender, kind, loving, etc-- and we're commanded to be. But the path itself, the commandments, I mean: they don't bend. When God says, "Sexual relations outside of marriage is a sin," there's not much room for honest argument.
quote:To experience the intimacy and physical love that is part of everyone's birthright, Anthonie either has to wait for an incredibly unlikely miracle that would allow him to happily behave as a heterosexual, or he gets to forego acceptance by his family's church.
I'm not sure intimacy and physical love are a birthright. And while I do believe in miracles, I don't wait around for them.
The last Prophet made it clear: homosexuals who obey the law of chastity can serve in any position of the church that doesn't require a spouse.
quote:Why do you never see articles published saying "treat gay people with love and respect" or "don't turn out your family members for being gay"? I'm sure the Church does advocate those positions, but I wonder how much of it is done just to cover their butts so when all the horrible things Mormons do to their own families happen, they can say "look! See? We didn't *tell* them to do it!"
Er...didn't you just mention how you didn't know much about the Church? Do you think it wise to go casting aspersions about a stranger's motives like this, given your admitted lack of knowledge?
Posted by ladyday (Member # 1069) on :
Anthonie, I remember meeting you many years ago (I won't be at all offended if you don't remember me, but this is Billie, from, ah, EnderCon weekend, [geez, that long ago] when Katie came out to visit and I stayed with her at her parent's house) and you struck me as an irrepressibly bright and charming gentleman (yes, you made an impression ). I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time with your family. You don't have to have a bazillion posts or comment on every thread in order to rant or seek (and hopefully find!) support here. Best wishes and good vibes to you.
Posted by Anthonie (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by BlackBlade: If you don't mind my asking, since you don't identify as an atheist, how would you describe your own religious beliefs?
Good question. I am not sure, really. No definitive religion, but I still believe in God. He's the one I yell at the most to express a lot of the anger I've been experiencing over recent months. (Now, if anyone's thinking this is sacrilegious or damning, I don't see it that way at all. If anyone can handle being yelled and cursed at, I figure God's the best candidate.)
The LDS belief system is quite easy to be black-and-white with, luckily. They make very clear lines of absolutes, so leaving was the only viable conclusion for me. (My name is still not removed, but that is too long a story.)
quote:Originally posted by BlackBlade: In any case, you are welcome to vent here if ever you feel the need.
Thanks! Posted by Anthonie (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by Speed: So I haven't talked to my parents or siblings for about 10 years now. I live in a different state where there is no chance I'll bump into them. It's kind of awkward explaining to friends why I don't have anywhere to go on Thanksgiving or Christmas. But apart from that, it's awesome.
I'm not recommending anything like this for you. Obviously it's the social equivalent of radical surgery. It's not the type of thing that's right for everyone. But maybe take a step back. Even if you don't want to sever all ties like I did, sometimes it helps to realize that the opinion of a group of narrow-minded people isn't essential to your happiness, no matter how similar their genes happen to be. I think that epiphany was more important to me than the actual separation.
Highly simplistic solution to a complex problem, I know. But I hope it helps. Feel better.
Wow, this hits home more than you could have realized.
About two years before I came out to my family, I was struggling with my own acceptance and trying to process how life could have meaning for me. I severed all ties of communication with my family for 18 months; I couldn't figure out how to face them or speak to them about things and it was easier to be away. Different situation than what you're describing, but I understand the part about feeling more comfortable being away from them.
However, it was killing my parents, my mom especially. For my situation it's better for me to maintain a relationship involving regular communication with them, mom especially. In fact, the thing that drove me back to communication with her was when I was going through my first break-up after my first real (well, quasi-at-best) relationship.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
Dogbreath:
quote:That being said, I have personally known several gay men who have been shunned by their Mormon families, and have read the stories of many, many more. And - from my perspective as an outsider - it seems to me that the Church fosters an environment where this sort of behavior is viewed as acceptable, if not outright encouraged.
And yet, I grew up in that same church. Two of my best friends are gay men who I met through this board.
I served a mission, and when I came home I voted against a measure in Utah that defined marriage as being exclusively between a man and woman.
I was never once, not *once* taught by my Sunday school teachers, my bishops, my stake presidents, the apostles, my prophet, my parents, my seminary teachers, or any of the members I worshiped along side to treat gay people disrespectfully, poorly, maliciously, or with any ill intent. The only vestiges of homophobia I ever dealt with were of my own making, and I dealt with them, with the help of my religion.
I still have to contemplate homosexuality often, because on the one hand I do absolutely believe the church I belong to is God's true church here on earth. But on the other, I do look at homosexuality and find myself not able to properly place it along side other vices. I don't see the effects that I see other sins produce, and so that paradox is something I have to work out for myself.
In any case, you are wrong that the leadership of my church feels anything but compassion and love for gay LDS men and women who are trying to work out their own relationships with their fellow man and with God. If you ever heard them speak at our annual conferences you'd be hard pressed to find that sort of evil in them.
Posted by Anthonie (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by Geraine: I have a cousin who recently came out and his parents immediately kicked him out of the house. He is now living with a few other gay LDS guys that were also kicked out of their homes. There are some in our extended family who are angry at him, and some that are angry at his parents. My cousin is a really good kid, and I can't imagine what he is going through. I really can't believe my uncle and aunt are so...well...stupid.
I've talked to my wife about letting him move in with us and live here for free for a while. He's only 18, fresh out of high school, and has nothing but what his parents threw out on the lawn. I wouldn't let him bring boyfriends over to spend the night, though I would ask him not to bring girlfriends home if he were straight either. I'd certainly let him bring a guy over to hang out though.
It breaks my heart to hear of LGBT youth being kicked out. I attended a conference here in Utah for LGBT Mormons. The first evening, a mother stood up to relate how her 16 year old son had just come out to them a month or so prior. After he came out, he told his mother that he would leave the house because he knew he wouldn't be welcome anymore. She was in tears to think that her son would so deeply believe that he would be discarded. As she related her anguish, it sounded like she was most hurt by the thought that somehow her son believed there were limits to her love and that he would be outcast from it. It was heart wrenching. BUT, I am SO GLAD that she did not agree and actually cast him out. It makes me wonder what we can do differently in our community here so that gay people don't EXPECT to be thrown out when they come out.
With respect to homeless youth, the statistics are horrifying in general and especially bad here in Utah. In Salt Lake City, "... Utah's Homeless Youth Resource Center reports that 42% of the clients they serve are LGBT." Compare that against a population rate of around 2%-3% gay youth, it's sickening how disproportionately LGBT youth face displacement from their homes.
[Edited to add: The stats I linked for homeless youth in SLC were from 2009, but I would suppose that trends are still somewhat similar. Though I would hope that they are improved.]
Posted by just_me (Member # 3302) on :
Anthonie -
I'm not in your situation, and have no first-hand experience to offer.
I do have a thought I'll share though... it's based somewhat on the experiences I've had with my gay brother and how he deals with our family - immediate and extended. Luckily our family has been accepting, but it's still been awkward with my parents because they just don't seem to be as accepting as they should.
Anyway, he lives pretty far away and so doesn't visit that often, and living far away is a good excuse for that, but one thing I've noticed is that he tends to avoid the holidays, and he tends to avoid seeing the whole family at once. I think the more of the family that is together the more pressure there is, and the holidays just add to that.
So, I don't know if it would work for you, but maybe you could consider skipping a holiday now and then. It sounds like it just makes you miserable, and there's no reason to put yourself in that situations. Instead maybe you can visit with your family in smaller, more casual visits.
Also, it sounds like your mom is pretty cool with your being gay and is your best relationship in the family. If she's the only one that really accepts you as you are maybe you could spend more time with her, just the two of you.
Like I said... these are just some thoughts I had reading this thread and they may not be worth the time it takes to read them, but I felt like I should at least share them with you.
and best of luck... I don't envy you but I do admire you...
Posted by Anthonie (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by Synesthesia: Antonie, read this book called Stranger at the Gate by Mel White. Though it starts off talking about something most Mormons do not agree with, it's still an interesting book I haven't read in years about coming to terms with being gay and Christian.
Thanks, Synesthesia, I'll check it out.
Posted by Anthonie (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by ladyday: Anthonie, I remember meeting you many years ago (I won't be at all offended if you don't remember me, but this is Billie, from, ah, EnderCon weekend, [geez, that long ago] when Katie came out to visit and I stayed with her at her parent's house) and you struck me as an irrepressibly bright and charming gentleman (yes, you made an impression ). I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time with your family. You don't have to have a bazillion posts or comment on every thread in order to rant or seek (and hopefully find!) support here. Best wishes and good vibes to you.
Wow, blast from the past! What a great memory you have. Katie introduced me to the forums here. Yes, I do remember meeting you at her parents' home. I hope you and yours are well.
Thanks for the kind words.
...and yeah, I don't even come close to qualifying with a bazillion posts (168 over ten years...)
Posted by Dogbreath (Member # 11879) on :
BlackBlade, I feel I should apologize to you and Scott R for my last post... I think ended up being far more venomous than I intended, as well as a little underhanded. I've felt the frustration of having an organization I'm part of derided because of the actions of a few members, and I realized I allowed myself to become far too judgmental.
I suppose what I mean is, if it wasn't for this board, I probably wouldn't know any active Mormons who share your opinion. Some of my perception was colored by a Mormon acquaintance of mine (from Idaho) who referred to gays as "f'ing faggots" and was pretty verbally abusive and hateful. Likewise, I've known many lapsed Mormons (many of them in the military) who've talked to me at length about what drove them away from the Church. From the media and my experiences in my daily life, I've seen the Church as a disproportionately large and powerful part of the current political movement to oppose equal rights for gays.
I understand that perception isn't reality. Yet I have a hard time understanding why there's such a common and pervasive misconception of the LDS Church as being more bigoted towards gays than the general population if there isn't some basis in fact.
I appreciate being able to read your posts and see that your experience with Mormonism has been far different from mine, and hope you can forgive me for my angry words earlier.
Posted by Lyrhawn (Member # 7039) on :
Out of curiosity, is there a difference in how the Mormon church treats gay men versus lesbians?
It seems like most of the references in this thread have been to stories about gay men, so I'm wondering if there's a difference. Or it could just be because the main focus of this thread is about a gay man so those are the stories.
I had two second cousins who are in their mid-40s now who hid their sexuality until well into their 30s. A great deal of my family is very conservative, and many of them are greatly religious as well. There's even a youth minister on the other side of my family. I've never really gone in depth with them about why they kept it hidden for so long, but really it's not surprising given the negative reaction they were likely to receive.
When they finally did come out though, the family was surprisingly accepting. My mom, who isn't really a big fan of gay people in general, even went to one of their commitment ceremonies a few months ago and was just as giddy as anyone at weddings with taking pictures and what not. She's not a big fan of the "gay lifestyle," but she said it was family, and you always support family. I was pretty proud of her, and very happy for my cousin, who is a great guy.
My family is a weird bunch. I know that if I ever had a major problem or revelation to put before them, they might disapprove on one hand, but they would band together to support me because they believe in the power of family so strongly. I realize more with each passing year how thankful I should be for that.
Posted by Anthonie (Member # 884) on :
quote:Originally posted by just_me: Like I said... these are just some thoughts I had reading this thread and they may not be worth the time it takes to read them, but I felt like I should at least share them with you.
They are definitely worth the time to read them. Thank you. I appreciate you sharing some of your thoughts relating to experiences with your brother. Perhaps I would do better to visit with my family in smaller groups.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
Dogbreath: Apology accepted. It'd be hypocritical for me not to forgive you.
I completely understand that many LDS men and women face being ostracized by their family and community when they come out. In the past the church has absolutely mis-stepped (It's not the first time, and it won't be the last) on how to respond to homosexuality. KarlEd does not post much here anymore but his stories of how he was handled when he came to terms with it boils the blood.
I think much of the vitriol stems from ignorance. Many people in Utah don't know any openly gay people who are comfortable in their sexuality, and have the patience to bear with them. So they have media portrayals, and pretentious self-righteous shows like Glee where the gay characters are decent folks, while the religious people are blithering idiots who don't know anything about why they believe what they do, much less why they don't agree with the gay characters. This fosters a martyr complex where members of the church think it's "Us vs Them, and they will mock and scorn us for our belief just as all believers in all times have been treated."
This sentiment is usually met with, "Who gives a crap how they feel, I won't tolerate intolerance!" Well great, when we don't tolerate each other there can't be dialogue anymore, and differences have to be resolved in some other manner that doesn't involve talking. I don't see any positive alternatives.
Posted by Dogbreath (Member # 11879) on :
quote:Out of curiosity, is there a difference in how the Mormon church treats gay men versus lesbians?
FWIW, the only hint of lesbianism in the bible is in Romans 1:26 where Paul says "For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature." Some interpret that to mean gayness. Others think maybe prostitution, or bestiality, or anything else, really. There's no specific condemnation of women having sex with each other anywhere in the bible. Because of this, most conservative Christian groups have focused most of their condemnation on gay men. (I don't know about the LDS Church specifically)
quote:So they have media portrayals, and pretentious self-righteous shows like Glee where the gay characters are decent folks, while the religious people are blithering idiots who don't know anything about why they believe what they do, much less why they don't agree with the gay characters.
I watched Glee about halfway through season 2 before I got too sick of it to continue. They've basically made Kurt into a walking ball of negative stereotypes, which makes me wonder what the guy who plays him (who is also gay) must think - especially since all of the other gay and lesbian characters on the show are portrayed far more realistically. He was actually an enjoyable character in the first season, before they decided to turn the show into a weekly hour long political statement.
Posted by Samprimary (Member # 8561) on :
"And lo, be they both women who lie with each other, well, so, if they are both pretty hot, I mean..."
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
quote:is there a difference in how the Mormon church treats gay men versus lesbians?
Not officially.
Unofficially, I think male homosexuality is a bit more frowned upon because the male gender role is so...set. Like, you can be a lesbian and still be womanly. For many Mormons (and people in general) I think there is a sense that when a man is gay he is no longer manly somehow.
Note again that this isn't doctrinal but cultural, and is an element shared by society in general.
quote:Scott- if your small kids asked, would you really go into all that detail? Do you think a 4 year old has the capability to understand those concepts?
Yes, I would really go into all that detail. I might simplify the words a bit, and I'd use flannel board to illustrate, but sure: I think a four year old can conceive of eternal families and the laws governing them just fine.
(BTW-- my oldest, who is now a teenager, was also an atheist when she was a little kid.)
quote: It also sheds a lot of light for me on one of OSC's most common themes (that the most important part of life is having kids).
Xenocide is Mormonism.
But let me correct something-- the most important part of life, in terms of family, is marrying the right person, and building and strengthening that relationship. Kids will come and will hopefully leave to start their own families-- but your spouse is meant to be with you forever.
Posted by Dogbreath (Member # 11879) on :
quote:Originally posted by Scott R: I think there is a sense that when a man is gay he is no longer manly somehow.
Again, this may be due to many of my friends being military, but I know several big hulking linebacker-in-high school gay men who would strongly disagree with this.
Our media often broadcasts ridiculously over the top gay stereotypes - similar to the black stereotypes seen in 70s movies. Glee has already been mentioned. I think part of the stereotype comes from the fact that it's more socially acceptable for effeminate gay men to *act* effeminate in public than for effeminate straight men to do the same. (And boy have I met some girly straight men in my life) And also because the effeminate gay men are the ones who you typically notice as being gay right off the bat. So we've somehow come to believe as a society that if you're born gay, you must also be born with a strong fashion sense, a lisp, and a love of Broadway musicals.
It's gotten so pervasive that a buddy of mine was once accused of "acting straight" because he likes drinking beer and watching football and wearing flannel shirts and driving his pickup. Which is odd, because none of those activities is in any way related to sex or sexuality. I'm pretty sure the only way you could "act straight" is, you know, act like you are interested in women.
Posted by MrSquicky (Member # 1802) on :
quote:The only vestiges of homophobia I ever dealt with were of my own making, and I dealt with them, with the help of my religion.
quote:In any case, you are wrong that the leadership of my church feels anything but compassion and love for gay LDS men and women who are trying to work out their own relationships with their fellow man and with God. If you ever heard them speak at our annual conferences you'd be hard pressed to find that sort of evil in them.
If this is true, would there be something potentially useful in Anthonie (or people in more direct conflict with their LDS families) appealing to church authorities in dealing with his family? I have no real grasp of the situation, but I'm just throwing out the idea to see if there are resources that are in place to help.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
I'll note that when I say Church Leadership or Authorities, I mean the general authorities that govern the church as a whole, not local leaders.
But yes-- a bishop or branch president SHOULD be able to counsel the folks involved in Anthonie's situation.
Posted by BlackBlade (Member # 8376) on :
quote:Originally posted by MrSquicky:
quote:The only vestiges of homophobia I ever dealt with were of my own making, and I dealt with them, with the help of my religion.
quote:In any case, you are wrong that the leadership of my church feels anything but compassion and love for gay LDS men and women who are trying to work out their own relationships with their fellow man and with God. If you ever heard them speak at our annual conferences you'd be hard pressed to find that sort of evil in them.
If this is true, would there be something potentially useful in Anthonie (or people in more direct conflict with their LDS families) appealing to church authorities in dealing with his family? I have no real grasp of the situation, but I'm just throwing out the idea to see if there are resources that are in place to help.
A member of the bishopric or stake presidency absolutely should be able to help with the rift, even if Anthonie no longer identifies as LDS.
Posted by John K (Member # 12303) on :
quote:Originally posted by MrSquicky:
quote:The only vestiges of homophobia I ever dealt with were of my own making, and I dealt with them, with the help of my religion.
quote:In any case, you are wrong that the leadership of my church feels anything but compassion and love for gay LDS men and women who are trying to work out their own relationships with their fellow man and with God. If you ever heard them speak at our annual conferences you'd be hard pressed to find that sort of evil in them.
If this is true, would there be something potentially useful in Anthonie (or people in more direct conflict with their LDS families) appealing to church authorities in dealing with his family? I have no real grasp of the situation, but I'm just throwing out the idea to see if there are resources that are in place to help.
Mostly a lurker here, but I don't think that local authorities would do anything different. I think that Anthonie's family appears to be following the church's policy here. While the church definitely teaches love and acceptance, it looks like this: (This is Elder Oaks a member of the quorum of the 12 apostles - second highest governing body of the church):
quote: PUBLIC AFFAIRS: At what point does showing that love cross the line into inadvertently endorsing behavior? If the son says, ‘Well, if you love me, can I bring my partner to our home to visit? Can we come for holidays?’ How do you balance that against, for example, concern for other children in the home?’
ELDER OAKS: That’s a decision that needs to be made individually by the person responsible, calling upon the Lord for inspiration. I can imagine that in most circumstances the parents would say, ‘Please don’t do that. Don’t put us into that position.’ Surely if there are children in the home who would be influenced by this example, the answer would likely be that. There would also be other factors that would make that the likely answer.
I can also imagine some circumstances in which it might be possible to say, ‘Yes, come, but don’t expect to stay overnight. Don’t expect to be a lengthy house guest. Don’t expect us to take you out and introduce you to our friends, or to deal with you in a public situation that would imply our approval of your “partnership.”
There are so many different circumstances, it’s impossible to give one answer that fits all.
Edited to add link. Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
That is cold. Nothing on earth or in heaven would make me be that cold towards a kid. Besides, gay isn't really contagious you know. It's not like standing in an elevator full of gay people turns you gay.
Man.... It's like they are using this part of a person to ostracize them. Not cool.
Also, womanly?
I think I will stop reading that link now. I'm home with a horrible stomachache.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
Synesthesia, again, I think you are misreading what is going on here. I don't think that parents want to shun their children. I think that it probably breaks their hearts. They are just trapped.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
They need to rebel. For the sake of their children. The rate of depression is so high among GLTB folks.
It's not difficult to see why.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
Well, yes. That is easy to see from where we are. But, remember these parents believe that they are doing what is best for their children. They are considering not only the happiness of their children in this life but what they believe is happiness eternally. Being accepting of homosexuality would be like being accepting of drug abuse (for example).
Some do rebel, but that is because their beliefs change.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
A change must ensue. Even Beardy Orthodox Dude is against this sort of thing. He says folks should be held accountable for gay suicides. Perhaps if there is a God such a thing might happen.
It might not be respectful to call him Beardy Orthodox Dude. He's so cool! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9TQwuDYANhQ&feature=related This guy. He also has a video about transgendered people. I will have to read one of his 40 books. Also check out what he has to say on evolution. He's interesting.
Posted by Geraine (Member # 9913) on :
Anthonie, those are some interesting statistics. I can't believe there are that many parents willing to kick out their children and write them off so easily. I don't have kids yet, but I can't imagine ever kicking my child out for being who he is.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
A bit further into the discussion with Elder Oaks and Elder Wickman:
quote: ELDER WICKMAN: It’s hard to imagine a more difficult circumstance for a parent to face than that one. It is a case by case determination. The only thing that I would add to what Elder Oaks has just said is that I think it’s important as a parent to avoid a potential trap arising out of one’s anguish over this situation.
I refer to a shift from defending the Lord’s way to defending the errant child’s lifestyle, both with him and with others. It really is true the Lord’s way is to love the sinner while condemning the sin. That is to say we continue to open our homes and our hearts and our arms to our children, but that need not be with approval of their lifestyle. Neither does it mean we need to be constantly telling them that their lifestyle is inappropriate. An even bigger error is now to become defensive of the child, because that neither helps the child nor helps the parent. That course of action, which experience teaches, is almost certainly to lead both away from the Lord’s way.
ELDER OAKS: The First Presidency made a wonderful statement on this subject in a letter in 1991. Speaking of individuals and families that were struggling with this kind of problem, they said, “We encourage Church leaders and members to reach out with love and understanding to those struggling with these issues.” Surely if we are counseled as a body of Church membership to reach out with love and understanding to those ‘struggling with these issues,’ that obligation rests with particular intensity on parents who have children struggling with these issues… even children who are engaged in sinful behavior associated with these issues.
I tend to emphasize "case-by-case basis" over the explicit examples given by Elder Oaks.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
Those statistics are horrifying and, yes, change must happen. I object to the word "easily" though. I don't think that it is easy for those parents.
Geraine, what about an adult child who was abusing drugs and influencing younger children? As much as it would break your heart, couldn't you imagine withholding support to that child both to save the others and to hope that the first child gets help? That is what these misguided parents believe they are facing.
Posted by Stone_Wolf_ (Member # 8299) on :
Forgive me for not reading every word of this thread (I read the first half and skimmed the second). I just wanted to give some unasked for advice to Anthonie...I don't know a lot about you, only what you chose to share here, but perhaps you might consider doing some traveling. I'm not sure your job is one that would allow that, or if you can afford a vacation, but I tend to think that it really helps to gain perspective to see other places, filled with other people who have different attitudes. Maybe New York or San Fran, maybe get involved into some community theater there. At the risk of making an asshat of myself, if you were to find a gay community and learn to accept the part of yourself so thoroughly that your family rejects that it might give you impenetrable armor when dealing with them. The ol' "I'm so comfortable in my own skin that I just don't care what you think anymore." kinda deal. Of course I should say that I am only speaking from general knowledge of rejection and pain, and not specifically your pain. I'm married with children and my parents are pretty live and let live to boot. I've just found that if you are confident, passionate and utterly comfortable with yourself then the rejections of others, even those close to you, tend to flow right off you like the proverbial water from a duck's back.
As to God and gays, I tend to think that if God cares about us as individuals, it is more that he cares who we hurt intentionally, and not who we love. Were I god (thank Me I'm not!) I would be happy that people found each other, and shared their happiness regardless of who they found.
Happiness is hard work, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It takes guts to look for it, and even more guts to risk going after it once you've found it. Sometimes you have to disregard what other people want for you, and how your happiness will make them feel, but to live a life with perimeters set by others, with a slow, burning resentment building of their loving imprisonment is not a good thing. Love is acceptance. Have faith that although it may take time and hard work those you love will accept you no matter what. And know that even if they don't, that it is their loss and it should not stop you from reaching for your stars.
Posted by John K (Member # 12303) on :
quote:Originally posted by Scott R: A bit further into the discussion with Elder Oaks and Elder Wickman:
quote: ELDER WICKMAN: It’s hard to imagine a more difficult circumstance for a parent to face than that one. It is a case by case determination. The only thing that I would add to what Elder Oaks has just said is that I think it’s important as a parent to avoid a potential trap arising out of one’s anguish over this situation.
I refer to a shift from defending the Lord’s way to defending the errant child’s lifestyle, both with him and with others. It really is true the Lord’s way is to love the sinner while condemning the sin. That is to say we continue to open our homes and our hearts and our arms to our children, but that need not be with approval of their lifestyle. Neither does it mean we need to be constantly telling them that their lifestyle is inappropriate. An even bigger error is now to become defensive of the child, because that neither helps the child nor helps the parent. That course of action, which experience teaches, is almost certainly to lead both away from the Lord’s way.
ELDER OAKS: The First Presidency made a wonderful statement on this subject in a letter in 1991. Speaking of individuals and families that were struggling with this kind of problem, they said, “We encourage Church leaders and members to reach out with love and understanding to those struggling with these issues.” Surely if we are counseled as a body of Church membership to reach out with love and understanding to those ‘struggling with these issues,’ that obligation rests with particular intensity on parents who have children struggling with these issues… even children who are engaged in sinful behavior associated with these issues.
I tend to emphasize "case-by-case basis" over the explicit examples given by Elder Oaks.
That is a fair reading, but Elder Oaks explicitly states that the response of most parents to a request to bring a boyfriend home would be: "I can imagine that in most circumstances the parents would say, ‘Please don’t do that. Don’t put us into that position.’"
While I agree that he leaves the door open for other possibilities, If I were a parent reading that looking for guidance, I don't know that I'd react any differently than Anthonie's do/did.
Edited to add: The bulk of what you quoted seems to be aimed at making sure the parents don't commit the even bigger error ("an even bigger error is now to become defensive of the child")
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
quote:Geraine, what about an adult child who was abusing drugs and influencing younger children? As much as it would break your heart, couldn't you imagine withholding support to that child both to save the others and to hope that the first child gets help? That is what these misguided parents believe they are facing.
It depends on what you mean by support. I could see withholding monetary support; I could see demanding that when he or she comes into my home, they do so clean and sober.
I could even see preventing them from having contact with my other children, if their addiction and the lengths they go to to feed it are serious enough.
But I'd like to think that I'd never withhold my love or my involvement with their life.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
I left "support" fairly open as the point was to see what Geraine could imagine.
Scott, you are a great dad. I can't imagine you withholding love or involvement either. My point here is that, even when parents do withhold something it isn't done easily.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
I do not think they should withhold anything at all really... but. I wonder if folks will learn that being gay isn't like drug addiction. Though, depression can lead you into the arms of that particular dark angel. Though on Intervention folks are taught not to enable their children by giving them money they could use towards drugs. I would hope folks would eventually think, hmmm. Huge difference...
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
I think that parents should sometimes withhold stuff. Too much candy, sharp knives for toddlers, freedom to cross busy streets or start fires, approval for bad behaviour. All of which have to potential to make children unhappy.
It will be great when people of all faiths and their leaders recognize that homosexuality is not bad behaviour, but until that happens we can know that they are wrong, but thinking that they are (in general) uncaring is neither helpful or fair.
Posted by John K (Member # 12303) on :
quote:Originally posted by kmbboots: It will be great when people of all faiths and their leaders recognize that homosexuality is not bad behaviour, but until that happens we can know that they are wrong, but thinking that they are (in general) uncaring is neither helpful or fair.
I really like this and hope this day comes soon. I see so much positive in my life that has come from my LDS church membership, but it pains me whenever I read stories like this one, where church teachings lead to so much sorrow and separation.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
You know, you can work towards that day as well as hoping for it. (Of course, you may already be doing that. )
Posted by John K (Member # 12303) on :
Probably don't do as much as I should, but I do push the issue with family, coworkers, and neighbors. Unfortunately change can be slow.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
I am a Catholic. You guys are downright zippy. Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
quote:It will be great when people of all faiths and their leaders recognize that homosexuality is not bad behaviour
Homosexual behavior can stifle eternal progress. That's the reason why, in simple terms, it is "bad" and why Mormons (at least) can't accept it as a neutral factor.
Given the doctrine as I understand it, there will never be a day when Mormonism accepts homosexual behavior as anything but detrimental to our eternal welfare.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
Scott, I understand that you believe that - and why*. I choose to be more optimistic. The Vatican has said that its stance is never going to change and I don't believe that either.
*ETA: Not because I claim any insight due to our internet interactions but because you have explained it pretty clearly.
[ November 29, 2011, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: kmbboots ]
Posted by John K (Member # 12303) on :
"and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God"
Part of me thinks that you are right Scott. But a larger part of me just thinks we haven't started asking the right question yet. Does being married to someone for time only damn your eternal progression? I have an ancestor who was not sealed to his wife nor his children (she was sealed to her first husband who died before she made the trek to Utah). Is his eternal progress stifled because he was not sealed in this life to his spouse and children, and will not be in the life to come? From his writings he appears to have thought so. I think there is way too much that we don't know.
I don't think we have reached the point where the church leadership has seriously taken this issue to the Lord for further light and direction. While David O McKay was open to the idea of blacks holding the priesthood (unlike many of his predecessors), it wasn't until Spencer W Kimball spent years on his knees, imploring the Lord on the matter, and seeking the counsel of those around him that further light was given. I don't think we have seen all there is to see on this issue. I also recognize that I might ultimately be wrong, but that won't stop me from weeping after those that feel such pain from the current doctrine of the my church.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
There. Cause for optimism.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
Stifle it how?
Gay folks are totally welcome in my web of life. (I never got that in that book. A dude can't be with a dude he loves? Adopt a child? Get someone to be a surrogate? Lesbians do have two uteruses to work with at least.) I wish they'd hurry up and see the light. This causes so much pain. Why cause more pain in this life when you don't have to? Also, I read that homosexuality has an evolutionary function. Gay uncles. But they didn't mention lesbian aunts.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
quote:Stifle it how?
I think I've explained it pretty well, Syn, and in this very thread. I'm fairly certain I've explained it before, too.
quote:I have an ancestor who was not sealed to his wife nor his children (she was sealed to her first husband who died before she made the trek to Utah). Is his eternal progress stifled because he was not sealed in this life to his spouse and children, and will not be in the life to come? From his writings he appears to have thought so. I think there is way too much that we don't know.
Salvation is between an individual and the Lord; I don't have a say in others' salvation.
That said, the Lord has made it quite clear through the Prophets, especially modern day prophets, what He thinks of homosexual behavior. Elder Oaks in your link:
quote:Homosexual behavior is and will always remain before the Lord an abominable sin.
It's the Lord's prerogative to judge as He sees fit. He knows the ins and outs of the soul, all the nature/nurture questions, and He knows best to say, "John is not responsible for his actions, and so is covered under the grace of Jesus Christ; David is a willful rebel who refused to repent."
It's my duty to teach the doctrine as I understand it, and to love those around me. If the doctrine on homosexual behavior changes-- and there's no scriptural, historical, canonical, or even anecdotal support for the idea that it will-- then I suppose I'll change what I teach.
quote:Why cause more pain in this life when you don't have to?
Again: the path to God is not accommodating.
Posted by Geraine (Member # 9913) on :
quote:Originally posted by kmbboots: Those statistics are horrifying and, yes, change must happen. I object to the word "easily" though. I don't think that it is easy for those parents.
Geraine, what about an adult child who was abusing drugs and influencing younger children? As much as it would break your heart, couldn't you imagine withholding support to that child both to save the others and to hope that the first child gets help? That is what these misguided parents believe they are facing.
Illicit or illegal activity has to be treated differently. I would not stop loving my child. I would try to get them help. If they didn't want help I would try to convince them to seek it.
As long as they weren't high or brought any drugs to my home, I would certainly invite them to family functions. If my child needed something and asked for financial assistance, I would go with them to purchase the item. I wouldn't give them cash.
It has to be a case by case basis. I may not agree with my child's actions, but they are still my child, and it is my responsibility given by God to do whatever I can to make sure they have someone that is always there for them and that will love them no matter what. That doesn't mean I let them do whatever they want, nor try to help them sidestep the consequences for their actions.
I think the problem is that so many parents (Especially in the LDS community) think that if their son or daughter is gay, it means they were a failure as a parent. They don't know how to cope with that, so they just write the child off, not realizing how difficult life is (or will be!) for their child.
I spoke to my cousin last night about coming down to Las Vegas and staying with us for a while, but I didn't realize that he hasn't graduated from high school yet. He has 15 days left before he graduates (early). For the last 3 months since coming out and being kicked out by his parents he has been living with a high school friend. He goes to school during the day and works at a restaurant at night as a host.
He said he might come down to visit everyone in a couple months, so we planned to go get some sushi. I'll probably ask him if he wants to stay with us then. The community here in Vegas is a lot more accepting then in Utah. I have a couple of friends I used to work with that are gay, and they have been through what he is going through now. They have a large support group of friends, and I think that could really help my cousin out right now.
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
Geraine, I think your plans for helping your cousin are great.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
I agree. You go!
Posted by Dogbreath (Member # 11879) on :
quote:Originally posted by Scott R: Again: the path to God is not accommodating.
quote:John 14 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.
quote:Acts 16 ...Sirs, what must I do to be saved?
And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house.
quote:Jesus, Matthew 25 When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory:
And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth his sheep from the goats:
And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.
Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.
Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?
When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee?
Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:
For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink:
I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not.
Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?
Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me.
And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.
Of course, Jesus and the Apostles simply forgot to add on "unless you're gay, then all that doesn't count" when they spoke on the subject of salvation? Because the Bible makes the path to God pretty clear.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Dogbreath:
I'm curious as to how much of the Bible you believe to be true. How do you account for discrepancies?
If you accept the Old and New Testaments in your standard King James Version of the Bible, here are some verses from both books commanding against the sin of homosexuality:
quote: Leviticus 18:22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.
quote:Romans 1
24 Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:
25 Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.
26 For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:
27 And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.
In regards to salvation, recall that Jesus also said the following:
quote: St. John 3:
5 Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God.
quote:Matthew 28: 19 Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:
20 Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen.
quote: Mark 16: 16 He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned.
Don't mistake me: I believe that the parable of the sheep and the goats is immensely valuable and absolutely true. I don't believe that those, even those who have been baptised and who work miracles in Christ's name, can neglect the poor, sick, or need and expect to obtain salvation. Christ said:
quote:
quote:36 Master, which is the great commandment in the law?
37 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
38 This is the first and great commandment.
39 And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
40 On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
Loving God, and loving others does NOT mean that the rest of the commandments magically disappear. ALL the commandments hinge on our obedience and dedication to those primary attitudes; when we love God, we seek to follow His will and to do good to those who are around us. The commandments give us specifics on how God expects us to accomplish that.
And yes: it's obviously more complicated than the parable of the sheep and goats (assuming acceptance of the rest of the bible).
Posted by Xavier (Member # 405) on :
Edit 2: On second thought, I really am not as interested in having this conversation as I thought I was.
[ December 02, 2011, 09:43 AM: Message edited by: Xavier ]
Posted by The Rabbit (Member # 671) on :
Anthonie, I have no idea if you are still following this thread. If you are, I think you could benefit from interacting with other gays from Mormon families. There are a couple of such people who used to post here and who still post on the sakeriver forum.
I'd also like to encourage you to be patient and accepting of your family. I know that when you are lonely and struggling that's hard, but they are clearly also struggling. Since you grew up Mormon, you are undoubtedly aware of how important the Church is to many members. I have no idea how religious your family is, but many members of the LDS Church see Mormonism is a central defining characteristic of themselves. For many Mormons, their entire life revolves around Church activity, socially, politically, financially, intellectually and spiritually. If this is true for your family, leaving the church would create difficulties even if you weren't gay. I have a sister who is no longer active in the church and she often feels awkward in family gatherings because so much of the small talk revolves around the church. My parents struggle balancing wanting her to feel loved and accepted in the family and wanting her to return to the church. None of us want the Church to be something that divides our family, but the fact is that it does and as long as it remains very important to some members of the family and not others it will.
You are asking your family to accept you fully as a gay man, without any reservations or regrets or desire that you change. Can you accept them as devout Mormons without wanting them to change?
I know that analogy isn't perfect. Deeply held religious beliefs aren't identical to deeply ingrained desires and inclinations, but they do have do have a great deal common. You can't make them accept that you are gay but perhaps as you work on accepting, embracing and loving your family as they are, the pain you feel will diminish.
edit to add: I hope that this doesn't come across as insensitive or accusatory. I know its very painful to feel like an outsider in your own family. The way they are treating you is not right. It's not your fault and I did not mean to imply it was. One of things I've learned as a Mormon is that people don't have to change in order for me to forgive them and accept them. Forgiving people and accepting them without expecting change helps me hurt less. I don't expect other people to be able to do that. If you can't do it, I understand. I'm not sure its even possible without divine grace.
[ December 02, 2011, 11:07 AM: Message edited by: The Rabbit ]
Posted by Dogbreath (Member # 11879) on :
quote:Originally posted by Scott R: Dogbreath:
I'm curious as to how much of the Bible you believe to be true. How do you account for discrepancies?
You mean, how much of it should be followed? I view the book of Leviticus as being human laws, written to govern a human society of that time. There is, of course, inspiration to be taken from it, but not specific commandments. For example,
quote:Ye shall keep my statutes. Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woolen come upon thee.
In the same way I wouldn't really condemn someone for wearing polyester, or breeding mules, or planting a garden with more than one vegetable, I wouldn't take the laws from Leviticus as being a statement of "this is what is right and wrong", merely "this is what is and is not permissible for this nation at this time." The vision the Lord sends Peter in Acts 10 is often interpreted as why we don't follow the Kosher laws (or for that matter, almost any of the laws in the OT) any more - I don't see why the laws in the OT should be any different.
I realize you're LDS, so if you believe the Lord has actually spoken in recent times condemning homosexuality, it gives you a lot more legitimate reason to feel that way than, say, someone merely justifying their argument from the Bible.
I actually quoted Romans 1 in this thread earlier. While I find that far more troubling, you'll notice it's not a commandment or a condemnation, it's simply a result of the fall. It still means Paul saw it as something less than desirable. He also saw women speaking in Church as being less than desirable. I don't want it to sound like I'm dismissing it out of hand - I've wrestled with that passage frequently, but I think if he was was actually going to condemn homosexuality (which was a very common practice in the cities he was writing to) he would do it in a more direct way, like he condemns numerous other sins. I've also heard that this passage was written referring to the common practice of pederasty.
The words of the Savior, on the other hand, are something I take to be the literal words of God (albeit imperfectly scribed by men), and I don't think there's as much wiggle room - though I do have my own interpretations and beliefs. I absolutely believe if you mean to call yourself a follower of Christ you should confess him as lord and be baptized. I don't think if you die unbaptized that God won't be merciful to you. (many even regard the sheep and the goats as his judgement of the pagans - since the sheep apparently didn't know him, but are accepted anyway) Nonetheless, if you mean to call yourself a Christian, the bible clearly demonstrates you should be baptized.
Yet for all that the Savior speaks about sexual sins (he explicitly condemns lust, adultery, and divorce), he never once speaks on the matter of homosexuality.
quote:Loving God, and loving others does NOT mean that the rest of the commandments magically disappear. ALL the commandments hinge on our obedience and dedication to those primary attitudes; when we love God, we seek to follow His will and to do good to those who are around us. The commandments give us specifics on how God expects us to accomplish that.
And yes: it's obviously more complicated than the parable of the sheep and goats (assuming acceptance of the rest of the bible). [/QB]
I suppose my problem is twofold - first, I don't believe the Bible provides enough substantial evidence to condemn homosexuality as a sin. I've read it through several times, and I feel like the entire thing, as a whole, paints a pretty accurate picture of what the Lord considers to be important - and that always seems to be (by the amount of times it's mentioned) love, respect, and adoration for himself, justice for the poor, the stranger, and the oppressed (which could be seen as love, respect, and adoration for his creation), and righteous and holy living. (the same, but for ourselves) The laws of Leviticus seem to be the "training wheels", so to speak. A very ridged and regimented set of instructions for a stiff necked people to follow. But then Jesus came and gave the new covenant, the old has passed away.
Second, if you are going to accept the condemnation from Leviticus as indication that it's a sin, then there's a LOT of sins committed by Christians in America that have not been acknowledged or repented of. There are a lot of sins we probably don't even know we're committing!
And even of the sins we do know to be sins, such as gluttony, for example (which, unrepented, causes obesity, a drastic shortening of one's lifespan, and a highly detrimental effect on one's relationship with himself, others, and the natural world), many are often ignored or accepted by the Church. And the key element seems to be - what is socially acceptable? In America, because we as a people are greatly crippled by the sins of overindulgence, those sins are often ignored or sidelined in order to attack the sins which your congregation is less likely to be guilty of.
Anyway, I hope this post demonstrates that I do take the Bible seriously, and that my careful and diligent study of it, along with my current relationships with other human beings and my observation of creation, has led me to believe what I do. I've seen plenty of people completely disregard the Bible - except when they can use it to score a cheap shot against people who do respect it. I want to assure you I'm not one of those people.
Posted by Synesthesia (Member # 4774) on :
I'm just like- science. Science has caught up when it comes to sexuality. Homosexuality is even considered by some to have an evolutionary function. Plus it's not a big deal. Why don't the churches spend more energy on child abuse and domestic violence instead of something that hurts no one? In fact, all of this viewing homosexuality as a sin stuff hurts gays a lot more and alienates them from their families and friends.
It should stop.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
Dogbreath:
I find myself not disagreeing with anything in particular in your post.
Posted by Dogbreath (Member # 11879) on :
quote:Originally posted by Synesthesia: Why don't the churches spend more energy on child abuse and domestic violence instead of something that hurts no one?
Many of them *do*. In fact, many of the churches that condemn homosexuality also spend time condemning child abuse and domestic violence. Those aren't exactly controversial things to condemn, though, so it's not like you're going to read many stories about it.
Posted by Scott R (Member # 567) on :
quote:Many of them *do*. In fact, many of the churches that condemn homosexuality also spend time condemning child abuse and domestic violence. Those aren't exactly controversial things to condemn, though, so it's not like you're going to read many stories about it.
I'm glad someone else told her this time. Maybe she'll believe you.
Dogbreath, a quick amendment to my post above: there are things I disagree with, but I'm having a hard time articulating right now. Maybe later...
Posted by kmbboots (Member # 8576) on :
Dogbreath and others who might be interested in what the Bible says about homosexuality (and other things like slavery and racism) and how to put ancient writings into context and understand what was really meant, I would highly recommend The Good Book by Peter Gomes.
The Reverend Dr. Gomes was a highly respected scholar and the Plummer Professor of Christian Morals at Harvard.
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