I'm writing a fantasy novel where in the beginning the MC is an outcast in her 'tribe' because they believe she is a vessel for the spirits and very unlucky. So, essentially she has grown up in a situation where no one ever speaks to her or touches her or even acknowledges her existence. (she is the shaman's 'assistant' so she has few constraints on her freedom or anything, just no real contact with people). Under these circumstances it seems reasonable that she would start talking aloud to herself. I've been using this method to get into her POV and show what's going on in her head. I'm just worried it might be too trite or too obvious a ploy, or sound too much like narration. I included an example:
Then the wolf appeared, only arm-lengths away. The starlight bleached his fur of color leaving him as white as a shape cut of snow. For a moment, Asande was disoriented. “Am I dreaming? Did I not kill you two summers ago?” The wolf merely turned and trotted down the trail. The tip of his tail was crooked, broken when he was a pup. Asande realized her mistake and rolled her eyes at herself. “It’s only Crook-Tail, silly girl. He doesn’t look a bit like the white wolf. And the white wolf is dead besides, so unless this is a dream, it couldn’t possibly be him.” Crook-Tail glanced over his shoulder and whuffed. Asande followed him down the trail. “What does he want, I
Any thoughts? is this a legitimate way of showing POV or is it too dull or distracting...?
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 10, 2007).]
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
i think it's kind of fun. see where it goes. my only suggestion is that she talk to herself in the now, when she's commenting on events in the now. "he usually stays at a distance. I can hardly believe he still remembers me.”
Posted by LindskoldCardFan (Member # 5564) on :
I didn't think it stuck out at all, because of speaking out loud. I liked it. She seemed really different.
However, the phrase 'I wonder' seems out of place to me, personally, because everything she says is about what she wonders, right?. "What does he want, I wonder?" seems a little redundant. But, that all goes to style. In context it may make a lot more sense. It's very likely I'm wrong.
Sometimes the talking seems a little long. But, it's not because its talking. Even if they were her thoughts, they would stick out, I think. Some details may not be necessary for coherence, and they are the ones that make it seem long, I think. it's not necessarily the literal length of the monologue, but just some details seem unneeded.
Am I doing this right? I mean, the critiquing. Have I broken any rules or anything? It's my first post, and I'm very unsure of myself.
Posted by Rommel Fenrir Wolf II (Member # 4199) on :
Talking to one self dose not make you crazy and if you respond you are still not crazy. trust me i go through it all the time. oh the conversations.
as for the char in your story it seams good to i. altho usuly when crazys (for lack of better word) dont usuly see things when they talk to themselves, they usuly are talking to the voice(s) they hear, few realy see things.
why did she kill the wolf? dose it fit into the story in some way? Rommel Fenrir Wolf II
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
I was thinking about your story last nightr (it really is intriguing). I am thinking the word you want to use might be shunned instead of outcast - outcast sounds like she has been thrown out by the tribe, i was suprised when you said she is still there and performs and important function. But shunned more covers it, I think. Just an idea