This is the script for a SF/F sit-com I'm writing with my friend, Helen Lyttle. I considered putting this in 'Non-fiction' or 'Short Stories', but neither felt appropriate, so I've put it on here. I'm looking for readers of the whole 30-minute script, and I've put 13 lines of dialogue/stage directions (excluding chapter headings, etc) as a start. I did try IWW Script list, but not a single person offered a crit, so I'm having to try here.

I'm also including the logline, premise and dramatis personae:

Title: Tales from Wonderland
Genre: Sit com, fantasy/surreal
Authors: Adam Lowe & Helen Lyttle

Premise: What if a bunch of oddly mystical and inherently lazy
students were charged with saving the world?

Logline (Series): A group of bizarre supernatural undergraduates have joined a transdimensional detective agency and must juggle
crime-fighting with the inevitable inertia of student life.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Adam Drury – Auburn hair, freckled, tall & skinny. Child psychology student. Slightly nervous, self-conscious. Failed superhero whose only power is the spontaneous creation of apples.

Taryn Jagger – Dresses like a rock star. Big breasts. Beth Ditto-esque. Bolshy, crude, alcoholic. Lesbian alien princess who can’t remember why she came to earth.

Mikilas Dark – Petulant emo teenager. Lots of black and brightly-coloured eye make-up. Powerful witch but can’t control his powers.

Vincent Thorpe – Pinstriped suit. Business student. Very smart, neat. Quarter-vampire member of the Illuminati.

Blaze – Cheery, bubbly superheroine. Flame-coloured hair. Slightly innocent.

Jimbob – Runs StudentWorld. Bartender/manager/janitor/everything else. Manic. Fed up of crazy student pranks. Likes to dress up.

TALES FROM WONDERLAND

[THIRD DRAFT]

SCENE 1

INT. CASTLE, DUNGEON—NIGHT

SNOW WHITE brandishes an ornamental sword. She is duelling. Her assailant is only seen from the back, but from her clothes it is deducible that she is the WICKED QUEEN. SNOW WHITE looks scared, backed into a corner.

SNOW WHITE
No! You can’t . . .

She is suddenly backed up against the wall by her opponent, a sword to her throat.

SNOW WHITE
Please! Don’t kill me!

FADE TO BLACK.

OPENING CREDITS

SCENE 2

INT. STUDENT HOUSE, LIVING ROOM—DAY

Four students sit around, almost lifeless. VINCENT, in a pinstriped suit, sits at a desk, hammering away at his laptop keyboard—the only real movement in the room. The other three—TARYN, ADAM, MIKILAS—slump on the sofa, blankly staring at the TV. Jonathan Creek is on.

There is an almost imperceptible movement: ADAM, his hand on the remote, changes the channel.

TARYN
What are you doing?

ADAM
It’s four o’clock.

TARYN
It’ll be arse-kicking o’clock if you don’t change that back.

ADAM
Charmed’s starting!

TARYN
It’s such bollocks! If you sent Jonathan Creek in there, he’d sort ‘em out. He’d have none of their magic rubbish. Tell him, Miki; you’re the expert.

[This message has been edited by baduizt (edited January 01, 2008).]
 

Regards