quote:Best practice for YA queries is to indicate the character's age early on. Also, personally, I'm not a big fan of starting with a log line or pitch. It's not a requirement of queries. If it works, fine, but this one doesn't quite, at least for me. How does Raina know that she has to become something she never thought existed?
Originally posted by melinda.jean.lehman:
Dear agent:
The Elders want her because a law has been broken so they’ve sent The Fell. All Raina Harris knows is that the safety of those she loves hangs on her ability to become something she never thought existed.
quote:It should be "eight-year-old".
Raina’s life revolves around her eight year old half-sister, Amy. But time with Amy is running short as Raina starts her senior year of high school. There are still water fights to have, books to read, hikes to go on, there just never seems to be enough time to do it all.
quote:I have no sense at all of Orin in this query. and it looks like know who--or what--Orin is could be important.
Once Raina meets Orin, time seems to be cut back even more. There’s something different about Orin and as Raina grows closer to him strange things start to happen. Shadows appear in forests, Raina has terrifying dreams that feel like memories, and Amy is convinced monsters are after them.
quote:I think the "uncertain danger" is part of the problem. I want a better sense of the stakes.
Amid uncertain danger Orin and Raina fall in love adding more fuel to the fire that threatens to burn everything.
quote:I wouldn't use a semi-colon there. And I still have no idea why Orin shouldn't be in love with a human.
Orin being in love with a human breaks the most important law. The Elders, the corrupt keepers of the law, won’t allow it. They’ll send The Fell; a “boogeyman”, a creature created from pure hate, a being that shouldn’t exist.
quote:That's a little long for YA. Not impossibly long. Also, agents and editors want to know that this book stands alone. It's okay to say that it's potentially the first of a series.
But something happens that no one expected, a disruption in the balance of power between legendary beings and humans in METAMORPHOSIS, a YA fantasy of 105,941 words, and the first book of a series.
quote:This bit of bio has nothing to do with this story. Personally, I'd leave it out.
This is my first book. I’m the wife of an Army man which keeps me happily busy.
quote:This is assumed.
If I have been able to pique your curiosity METAMORPHOSIS is ready upon your request.
quote:
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Gratefully,
Melinda Lehman
quote:Yes, I know what a query is supposed to contain. Yes, I know you don't give away the climax or the ending (but you do in the synopsis). Yes, I've even read the query shark (and recommended her). I'll also recommend Elana Johnson's FROM THE QUERY TO THE CALL (scroll down to the last book on the page).
Originally posted by melinda.jean.lehman:
Thank you extrinsic for clarifying what Meredith may have meant. Her comments on my query were frustrating in that I was not sure she actually knew what a query was supposed to contain. In a query the writer should not give away the climactic parts of the book and the writer only has about 250 words to write a grabby query.
But I did appreciate her comments anyway. She gave me some things to think about and that is always helpful.
Queries are always funny business because everyone has a slightly different form they think should be used. And even the most basic query form doesn't apply if you can make an agent WANT to read your story. In the end, the most important part of a query is to get the agent to ask for pages. Everything past that is just format.
quote:1. I think it's not working because it's too vague. I don't yet know what or who the Elders are. (Still don't by the end of the query, btw.) And I don't understand how Raina can know she needs to become something she doesn't know exists. It's a logical paradox.
Originally posted by melinda.jean.lehman:
Of course Meredith. Thank you so much. I hope that I didn't offend you. I didn't mean that. I really am grateful for your feedback on my query. Sometimes online its difficult to know if the person that's typing is just saying stuff to say stuff or if they actually know what they are talking about.
My questions/Comments:
1. On my opening line I'm not sure why it's not working for you. I've read a lot of queries and most all of them start with a hook. (I'm not saying mine is perfect or anything like that). Is it just my phrasing?
2. Also the questions you asked like 'why Orin shouldn't be in love with a human' is kind of a big part of the book. Isn't that a question I would want the agent to ask and therefor ask me for pages?
3. Bios dont really need to have a connection to the story. It's a bio. Plus I dont have any writing credits to mention.
Really, thank you for commenting on my query. You're going to help make me a better writer.
quote:See my query for my most recent novel, THE BARD'S GIFT, here.
Originally posted by melinda.jean.lehman:
Thank you for the clarification Meredith. I greatly appreciate it. Why dont you put up a query of one of your books so I can see how you do it. You seem so knowledgeable. I would love to see that put to practice.
quote:Sometimes it is simply better not to engage. That's how I choose to handle this.
Originally posted by melinda.jean.lehman:
I've even had others read her stuff and read online reviews.
code:Naming a member is acceptable when reinforcing or pointing out an astute insight or carrying on about and building upon a writing principle raised by a member, perhaps for courteous writing-related professional and social networking. Otherwise, stay on writing topics and off persons.First law of writing workshop
and Hatrack River particularly:
address the writing, not the writer.