Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Rewriten piece needs comment

This is topic Rewriten piece needs comment in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000026

Posted by Chronicles_of_Empire (Member # 1431) on :

Hi all -

I've rewritten my first chapter, now designated as a prologue.

This isn't my natural style, and I'm finding the going a little arduous. So I would sincerely appreciate any comments, especially on my use of POV.

http://www.chroniclesofempire.net/hatrack/emp1.htm

Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :

For the sake of BB space, I emailed you my comments.

[This message has been edited by GZ (edited August 07, 2002).]

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

Hi CofE,
This reads SO much better. I cared about Arlissa. Before, she was only a figure.

I'm not sure about this whole thing being a prologue, though--I don't think prologues should have sections, although I may be wrong. But, as a prologue, maybe it should end at "lowered to land." Or keep the whole thing as the chapter lead-in, with only the lead-in in objective POV and then switch to third person; but then you might need an objective lead-in for each chapter. (No, I'm not trying to start another round of objective arguments. )

In either case, you can jettison the sectioning and extra spacing if you just transition the paragraphs into each other. Rather than extra spacing before the moon part, start that paragraph something like this:

Thick orange clouds choked the sky of the moon, the ground below a brash littering of sharp and dark rocks in deep basins of reddish dust, stirred up by a strong wind. The shuttle broke through...

That way, you've tied the red moon and the shuttle into the scene.

Again, "slow" needs to be "slowly."

"Accompanied" needs an object = "accompanied it."

"The red moon's surface" should be "the surface of the red moon."

Where did Numellan come from here? He didn't exit the shuttle.

"Undulating" means hilly or moving, but the plain is "mostly flat" and the tremors have not occurred yet. The word connoted heat to me, as in undulating heat eddies, but the moon is cold.

"Behind" needs a "him" after it.

"Simply said", "with simple curiosity," "demanded fearfully," "with panic"--these should be, simply, "she said," eliminated, "snapped out" and lose the adverb, and I already know he's panicked because he's shouting.

"Cramped to her helm" confused me. Is Arlissa back in the shuttle?

I loved the ending to this scene.

As I said, this reads much better. You're on track.

[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited August 08, 2002).]

Posted by srhowen (Member # 462) on :

Brian,

You are on the right track! I have a few comments to offer, but am e-mailing them to you as I hate the cut and paste thing.

As always, I like ot give long winded explinations for why something does or does not work. LOL

Shawn

Posted by Chronicles_of_Empire (Member # 1431) on :

GZ, Kolona, Shawn - you folks are just the best. Each one of you picked out different points from different angles. Invaluable - I simply don't have enough thanks.

Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :

I'll email a commentary. The narrative is much more interesting in this form.