Hatrack River Writers Workshop: A little advice?

This is topic A little advice? in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Chronicles_of_Empire (Member # 1431) on :

Hi all -

Having a little trouble with the rewrite. Namely a block on the first lines of the first chapter [after prologue]. I figure I'm going for third Person Omniscient.

I'm simply looking for comments on whether it looks wrong - I can never get it to seem right. It just refuses to flow.

Here's the current version:

_________________________________

Brother Xarios walked the marble arcade outside the eastern wing of the Jeridian Temple complex, lawns stretching out beyond into the view of the city of Xiosa, golden ziggurats striking into the clear blue sky.

Again, I am a failure.

Brother Xarios cast his gaze down as he walked in the sunlight and shadow behind the elegant marble arches, his sandals rhythmically slapped the hard stone, black robes rustling at his ankles.

Always, I am a failure.

He reached a hand to the back of his shaved head, fingers touching where the hood was withdrawn, feeling at where calcified tissue still remained despite accelerated healing.

He had broken his neck again during meditation with a lightstaff. Master Rufellus was worried that Brother Xarios would kill himself with devotion.

_________________________________

Posted by Rahl22 (Member # 1411) on :

Well it is interesting, but you're right - it doesn't really flow.

The first sentence is just too big, I think, to be a comfortable read. There are quite a few nouns and adjectives floating around--kinda makes things bulky.

I don't know if you're going for mysterious here, or what, but I'd really like to get into this guys head. Instead of repeatedly saying "Again, I am a failure." I'm sure that he is thinking about it, but I'm not sure if the same though, exactly, is running through his head like that. Show me what he's feeling, give me more emotion, not just what he's doing.

And as for the end, when you switch POV, you should be more careful. It kind of caught me by surprise. If you talk about the other character a little bit before you switch, and give the reader plenty of warning, it might not feel quite so jarring.

Posted by Kolona (Member # 1438) on :

Actually, I think it's pretty good--with minor reservations. First paragraph does need reworking. End the first sentence at "complex," then do something like "Lawns stretched beyond the view of the city, the golden ziggurats of Xiosa striking into the clear blue sky." Instead of repeating "Brother Xarios" at the start of the third paragraph, just say "he"--it'll flow better, and since there's no one else in the scene, no problem. In the last sentence, to solve the POV snag, you could write something on the order of "Xarios knew Master Rufellus worried that he would kill himself with devotion." This is assuming Rufellus is not actually there in the scene. If Rufellus is in the scene, I would suggest letting the reader know sooner that Rufellus is there.
If this was too much comment, I apologize. It's a curse.

[This message has been edited by Kolona (edited September 01, 2002).]

Posted by Chronicles_of_Empire (Member # 1431) on :

Sincere thanks for that, Rahl and Kolona. My main problem has actually been trying to introduce the character, immediate surroundings, and background view - without the scene distracting from the immediacy of the character.

The thoughts stated are intended to be an immediate statement of inner conflict, which is then described.

I'll modify according to the comments.

Thanks again,

Brian

Posted by GZ (Member # 1374) on :

Interesting enough stuff going on but here’s the big thing I see.

Your sentence structure is very repetitive. Sentences 1, 3, & 5 all roughly have the form:
Brother Xarios/He [physical action], [descriptive action], [descriptive action].

I think it would do wonders for flow to vary this more. Vary sentence length. Vary number of sentences per paragraph (These all have just 1 long sentence).

And I agree that there is a POV situation brewing with the last section about Master Rufellus.

Posted by Chronicles_of_Empire (Member # 1431) on :

Thanks, GZ - yes, I've been pulled over on the repetitive sentence structure before, and have adjusted the offending sentences. Definitely something to watch myself with.

The last sentence looks like a POV error simply because it's a fragment of a larger paragraph dealing with Xarios's inner conflict. I still haven't written that in a satisfactory way.